THE 
ETERNAL 

BOY 


OWLN 
JOHNSON 


THE  1  [BRARY 


THE  UNIVERSITY 


OF  CALIFORNIA 


LOS  ANGELES 


GIFT  OF 

Mrs.  Ben  B.  Lindsey 


THE  ETERNAL  BOY 


Nothing  but  a  "  suveneer,"  gents,  nothing 
guaranteed  '  "  (Page  123) 


THE   ETERNAL  BOY 

BEING  THE  STORY 

OF 
THE    PRODIGIOUS    HICKEY 


BY 
OWEN  JOHNSON 

AUTHOR  OF  "MAX   FARGUS,"  ETC. 


NEW  YORK 

DODD,  MEAD   &   COMPANY 
1909 


COPYRIGHT,  1908,  BY 
THE   CENTURY    CO. 

COPYRIGHT,  1907,  1908,  1909,  BY 
THE  CURTIS   PUBLISHING   COMPANY 

COPYRIGHT,  1908,  BY 
DODD,    MEAD    AND    COMPANY 

PUBLISHED,  JANUARY,  1909 


CONTENTS 

PAGE 

The    Awakening    of    Hickey  .  3 

The   Great    Pancake   Record          .          ...          ..      25 

The  Run  That  Turned  the  Game          ..         ...     55 

The    Future    President          .....     81 

Further  Persecution  of  Hickey     .          ..          .104 

Making  Friends  .          .:          .          >          ..   128 

The  Hero  of  an  Hour  .          .          :.          .   167 

The  Protest  Against  Sinkers          .          .           .   194 

Beauty's  Sister 209 

The    Great    Big    Man  .           .          .           .241 

The  Political  Education  of  Mr.  Baldwin          .   271 
The  Martyrdom  of  William  Hicks          ..           .   321 


1106257 


ILLUSTRATIONS 

"  '  Nothing  but  a  "  suveneer,"   gents,  nothing 

guaranteed.' "          .          (p.  123)     Frontispiece 

FACING   PAGE 

"  Hickey  it  was    .    .    .  who    .    .    .    organised 

the  midnight  feasts."      .           .  .           .12 

"  *  I'll  stop  when  it's  time,'  said  Smeed ;  *  bring 

'em  on  now,  one  at  a  time.'  "  .  .50 
"  A  stinging  hand  descended  upon  the  crouch 
ing  Piggy."  .  .  .  .  .62 
"  All  day  long  he  walked  with  drawn  sword."  98 
"  Then  he  lost  track  of  the  rounds."  .  .  160 
"  '  I  don't  know— I'm  full  of  gravel ! '  "  .  178 
"  Trousers  that  were  limp  and  discouraged, 

grew  smooth."      .          .          .          .          .   £24 
" '  Get  off  my  feet !    .    .    .    A  fine   lady  you 

are!'"      ' 230 

"  '  He  hadn't  any  proof,'  he  said,  brokenly,  *  no 

proof— damn  him ! ' "      .         ...          .           .   330 


THE  ETERNAL  BOY 


THE   AWAKENING   OF    HICKEY 


"  *  HE  forged  a  thunderbolt  and  hurled  it  at  what? 
At  the  proudest  blood  in  Europe,  the  Spaniard,  and 
sent  him  home  conquered ;  at  the  most  warlike  blood 
in  Europe,  the  French }  "  .  .  . 

Shrimp  Davis,  on  the  platform,  piped  forth  the 
familiar  periods  of  Phillips's  oration  on  Toussaint 
L'Ouverture,  while  the  Third  Form  in  declamation, 
disposed  to  sleep,  stirred  fitfully  on  one  another's 
shoulders,  resenting  the  adolescent  squeak  that  ren 
dered  perfect  rest  impossible.  Pa  Dater  followed 
from  the  last  bench,  marking  the  position  of  the 
heels,  the  adjustment  of  the  gesture  to  the  phrase, 


4  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

and  the  rise  and  fall  of  the  voice  with  patient  en 
thusiasm,  undismayed  by  the  memory  of  the  thou 
sand  Toussaints  who  had  passed,  or  the  certainty  of 
the  thousands  who  were  to  come. 

"  I  would  call  him  Napoleon,  but  Napoleon  made 
his  way  to  empire  over  broken  oaths  and  through  a 
sea  of  BLOOD,"  shrieked,  the  diminutive  orator  with 
a  sudden  crescendo  as  a  spitball,  artfully  thrown, 
sung  by  his  nose. 

At  this  sudden  shrill  notice  of  approaching  man 
hood,  Hickey,  in  the  front  row,  roused  himself  with 
a  jerk,  put  both  fists  in  his  eyes  and  glanced  with 
indignant  reproach  at  the  embattled  disturber  of 
his  privileges.  Rest  now  being  impossible,  he  de 
cided  to  revenge  himself  by  putting  forth  a  series 
of  faces  as  a  sort  of  running  illustration  to  the 
swelling  cadences.  Shrimp  Davis  struggled  man 
fully  to  keep  his  eyes  from  the  antics  of  his  tor 
mentor.  He  accosted  the  ceiling,  he  looked  sadly  on 
the  floor.  He  gazed  east  and  west  profoundly, 
through  the  open  windows,  seeking  forgetfulness  in 
the  distant  vistas.  All  to  no  purpose.  Turn  where 
he  might  the  mocking  face  of  Hickey  danced  after 
him.  At  the  height  of  his  eloquence  Shrimp  choked, 
clutched  at  his  mouth,  exploded  into  laughter  and 


THE    AWAKENING    OF   RICKEY         5 

tumbled  ingloriously  to  his  seat  amid  the  delighted 
shrieks  of  the  class. 

Pa  Dater,  surprised  and  puzzled,  rose  with  solem 
nity  and  examined  the  benches  for  the  cause  of  the 
outbreak.  Then  taking  up  a  position  on  the  plat 
form,  from  which  he  could  command  each  face,  he 
scanned  the  roll  thoughtfully  and  announced,  "  Wil 
liam  Orville  Hicks." 

Utterly  unprepared  and  off  his  guard,  Hickey 
drew  up  slowly  to  his  feet.  Then  a  flash  of  inspira 
tion  came  to  him. 

"Please,  Mr.  Dater,"  he  said  with  simulated  re 
gret,  "  I  chose  the  same  piece." 

Delighted,  he  settled  down,  confident  that  the  for 
tunate  coincidence  would  at  least  postpone  his  ap 
pearance. 

"  Indeed,"  said  Mr.  Dater  with  a  merciless  smile, 
"  isn't  that  extraordinary !  Well,  Hicks,  try  and 
lend  it  a  new  charm." 

Hickey  hesitated  with  a  calculating*  glance  at  the 
already  snickering  class.  Then  forced  to  carry 
through  the  bravado,  he  climbed  over  the  legs  of  his 
seat-mates  and  up  to  the  platform,  made  Mr.  Dater 
a  deep  bow,  and  gave  the  class  a  quick  bob  of  his 
head,  accompanied  by  a  confidential  wink  from  that 


6  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

eye  which  happened  to  be  out  of  the  master's  scru 
tiny.  He  glanced  down,  shook  the  wrinkles  from  his 
trousers,  buttoned  his  coat,  shot  his  cuffs  and  as 
sumed  the  recognised  Websterian  attitude.  Twice 
he  cleared  his  throat  while  the  class  waited  expect 
antly  for  the  eloquence  that  did  not  surge.  Next 
he  frowned,  took  one  step  forward  and  two  back, 
sunk  his  hands  in  his  trousers  and  searched  for  the 
missing  sentences  on  the  moulding  that  ran  around 
the  edge  of  the  ceiling. 

"  Well,  Hicks,  what's  wrong?  "  said  the  master 
with  difficult  seriousness.  "  Haven't  learned  it  ?  " 

"  Oh,  yes,  sir,"  said  Hickey  with  dignity. 

"  What's  the  matter  then?  " 

"  Please,  sir,"  said  Hickey,  with  innocent  frank 
ness,  "  I'm  afraid  I'm  a  little  embarrassed." 

The  class  guffawed  loud  and  long.  The  idea  of 
Hickey  succumbing  to  such  an  emotion  was  irre 
sistible.  Shrimp  Davis  sobbed  hysterically  and  grate- 
fully. 

Hickey  alone  remained  solemn,  grieved  and  mis 
understood. 

"  Well,  Hicks,"  continued  the  master  with  the 
ghost  of  a  smile,  "  embarrassment  is  something  that 
you  should  try  to  overcome." 


THE    AWAKENING    OF   RICKEY         7 

At  this  Turkey  Reiter  led  Shrimp  Davis  out  in 
agony. 

"  Very  well,"  said  Hickey  with  an  injured  look, 
"  I'll  try,  sir.  I'll  do  my  best.  But  I  don't  think  the 
conditions  are  favourable." 

Mr.  Dater  commanded  silence.  Hickey  bowed 
again  and  raised  his  head  cloaked  in  seriousness.  A 
titter  acclaimed  him.  He  stopped  and  looked  ap- 
pealingly  at  the  master. 

"  Go  on,  Hicks,  go  on,"  said  Mr.  Dater.  "  Do 
your  best.  At  least,  let  us  hear  the  words." 

Another  inspiration  came  to  Hickey.  "  I  don't 
think  that  this  is  quite  regular,  sir,"  he  said  aggres 
sively.  "  I  have  always  taken  an  interest  in  my 
work,  and  I  don't  see  why  I  should  be  made  to  sacri 
fice  a  good  mark." 

Mr.  Dater  bit  his  lips  and  quieted  the  storm  with 
two  upraised  fingers. 

"  Nevertheless,  Hicks,"  he  said,  "  I  think  we  shall 
allow  you  to  continue." 

"  What ! "  exclaimed  Hickey  as  though  loath  to 
credit  his  ears.  Then  adding  calm  to  dignity,  he 
said,  "  Very  well,  sir, — not  prepared !  " 

With  the  limp  of  a  martyr,  he  turned  his  back  on 
Mr.  Dater,  and  returned  to  his  seat,  where  he  sat  in 


8  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

injured  dignity,  disdaining  to  notice  the  grimaces  of 
his  companions. 

Class  over,  the  master  summoned  Hicks,  and  bent 
his  brows,  boring  him  with  a  look  of  inquisitorial  ac 
cusation. 

"  Hicks,"  he  said,  spacing  his  words,  "  I  have  felt, 
for  the  last  two  weeks,  a  certain  lack  of  discipline 
here.  Just  a  word  to  the  wise,  Hicks,  just  a  word  to 
the  wise!  " 

Hickey  was  pained.  Where  was  the  evidence  to 
warrant  such  a  flat  accusation?  He  had  been  ar 
raigned  on  suspicion,  that  was  all,  absolutely  on  mere 
haphazard  suspicion.  And  this  was  justice? 

Moreover,  Hickey's  sensitive  nature  was  shocked. 
He  had  always  looked  upon  Pa  Dater  as  an  antag 
onist  for  whose  sense  of  fair  play  he  would  have  an 
swered  as  for  his  own.  And  now  to  be  accused  thus 
with  innuendo  and  veiled  menace — then  he  could  have 
faith  in  no  master,  not  one  in  the  whole  faculty !  And 
this  grieved  Hickey  mightily  as  he  went  moodily 
along  the  halls. 

Now,  the  code  of  a  schoolboy's  ethics  is  a  marvel 
lously  fashioned  thing — and  by  that  each  master 
stands  or  falls.  To  be  accused  of  an  offence  of  which 
he  is  innocent  means  nothing,  for  it  simply  demon- 


THE   AWAKENING    OF   RICKEY         9 

strates  the  lower  calibre  of  the  master's  intelligence. 
But  to  be  suspected  and  accused  on  mere  suspicion 
of  something  which  he  has  just  committed, — that 
is  unpardonable,  and  in  absolute  violation  of  the 
laws  of  warfare,  which  decree  that  the  struggle  shall 
be  one  of  wits,  without  recourse  to  the  methods  of 
the  inquisition. 

Hickey,  disillusionised  and  shocked,  went  glumly 
down  the  brownstone  steps  of  Memorial  and  slowly 
about  the  green  circle,  resisting  the  shouted  invita 
tions  to  tarry  under  the  nourishing  apple  trees. 

He  felt  in  him  an  imperative  need  to  strike  back, 
to  instantly  break  some  rule  of  the  tyranny  that  en 
compassed  him.  With  this  heroic  intention  he  walked 
nonchalantly  up  the  main  street  to  the  jigger-shop, 
which  no  underformer  may  enter  until  after  four.  As 
he  approached  the  forbidden  haunt,  suddenly  the 
figure  of  Mr.  Lorenzo  Blackstone  Tapping,  the  young 
assistant  housemaster  at  the  Dickinson,  more  popu 
larly  known  as  "  Tabby,"  rolled  up  on  a  bicycle. 

"  Humph,  Hicks ! "  said  at  once  Mr.  Tapping 
with  a  suspicious  glance  at  the  jigger-shop  directly 
opposite,  "  how  do  you  happen  to  be  here  out  of 
hours  ?  " 

"  Please,  sir,"  said  Hickey  glibly,  "  I've  got  a 


10  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

nail  that's  sticking  into  my  foot.  I  was  just  going 
to  Bill  Orum's  to  get  it  fixed." 

"  Humph !  "  Mr.  Tapping  gave  him  a  searching 
look,  hesitated  and  mounting  his  wheel  continued,  un 
convinced. 

"  He  looked  back,"  said  Hickey  wrathfully,  peer 
ing  through  the  misty  windows  of  the  cobbler's  shop. 
Then  smarting  at  the  injury,  he  added,  "  He  didn't 
believe  me — the  sneak ! " 

It  was  a  second  reminder  of  the  tyranny  he  lived 
under.  He  waited  a  moment,  found  the  coast  clear 
and  flashed  across  to  the  jigger-shop.  Half  drug 
store,  half  confectioner's,  the  jigger-shop  was  the 
property  of  Doctor  Furnell,  whose  chief  interest  in 
life  consisted  in  a  devotion  to  the  theory  of  the  mil 
lennium,  to  the  lengthy  expounding  of  which  an  im 
poverished  boy  would  sometimes  listen  in  the  vain 
hope  of  establishing  a  larger  credit.  On  every-day 
occasions  the  shop  was  under  the  charge  of  "  Al," 
a  creature  without  heart  or  pity,  who  knew  the  ex 
act  financial  status  of  each  of  the  four  hundred  odd 
boys,  even  to  the  amount  and  date  of  his  allowance. 
Al  made  no  errors,  his  sympathies  were  deaf  to  the 
call,  and  he  never  (like  the  doctor),  committed  the 
mistake  of  returning  too  much  change. 


THE   AWAKENING    OF   HICKEY        11 

Al  welcomed  him  with  a  grunt,  carefully  closing 
the  little  glass  doors  that  protected  the  tray  of 
eclairs  and  fruit  cake,  and  leaning  back  drawled: 

"What's  the  matter,  Hickey?  You  look  kind  of 
discouraged." 

"  Give  me  a  coffee  jigger,  with  a  chocolate  syrup 
and  a  dash  of  whipped  cream — stick  a  meringue  in 
it,"  said  Hickey.  Then  as  All  remained  passively  ex 
pectant,  he  drew  out  a  coin,  saying,  "  Oh,  I've  got 
the  money ! " 

He  ate  gloomily  and  in  silence,  refusing  to  be 
drawn  into  conversation.  Something  was  wrong  in 
the  scheme  of  things.  Twice  in  the  same  hour 
he  had  been  regarded  with  suspicion  and  an  accusing 
glance, — his  simplest  explanation  discountenanced! 
Up  to  this  time,  he  had  been  like  a  hundred  other 
growing  boys,  loving  mischief  for  mischief's  sake, 
entering  into  a  lark  with  no  more  definite  purpose 
than  the  zest  of  an  adventure.  Of  course  he  re 
garded  a  master  as  the  Natural  Enemy,  but  he  had 
viewed  him  with  the  tolerance  of  an  agile  monkey 
for  a  wolf  who  does  not  climb.  Now  slowly  it  began 
to  dawn  upon  him  that  there  was  an  ethical  side. 

He  vanished  suddenly  behind  the  counter  as  Mr. 
Tapping,  returning,  made  directly  for  the  jigger- 


12  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

shop.  Hickey,  at  the  end  of  the  long  counter, 
crouching  amid  stationery,  heard  him  moving  sus 
piciously  toward  his  hiding  place.  Quickly  he 
flicked  a  pencil  down  behind  the  counter  and  vanished 
through  the  back  entrance  as  Tapping,  falling  into 
the  trap,  sprang  in  the  direction  of  the  noise. 

The  adventure  served  two  purposes:  it  gave 
Hickey  the  measure  of  the  enemy,  and  it  revealed 
to  him  where  first  to  strike. 


The  President  of  the  Dickinson  by  virtue  of  the 
necessary  authority  to  suppress  all  insubordination 
was  Turkey  Reiter,  broad  of  shoulder,  speckled  and 
battling  of  face,  but  the  spirit  of  the  Dickinson  was 
Hickey.  Hickey  it  was,  lank  of  figure  and  keen  of 
feature,  bustling  of  gait  and  drawling  of  speech, 
with  face  as  innocent  as  a  choir-boy's,  who  planned 
the  revolts  against  the  masters,  organised  the  mid 
night  feasts  and  the  painting  of  water-towers.  His 
genius  lived  in  the  nicknames  of  the  Egg-head, 
Beauty  Sawtelle,  Morning  Glory,  Red  Dog,  Wash 
Simmons  and  the  Coffee  Cooler,  which  he  had  be 
stowed  on  his  comrades  with  unfailing  felicity. 

Great  was  Hickey,  and  Macnooder  was  his  pro- 


Hickey  it  was  .    .    .  who  .    .    .  organised  the 
midnight  feasts  " 


THE   AWAKENING    OF    RICKEY        15 

phet.  Doc  Macnooder  roomed  just  across  the  hall. 
He  was  a  sort  of  genius  of  all  trades.  He  played 
quarter  on  the  eleven  and  ran  the  half  mile  close  to 
the  two-minute  mark.  He  was  the  mainstay  of 
Banjo,  Mandolin  and  Glee  Clubs.  He  played  the 
organ  in  chapel  and  had  composed  the  famous  Hamill 
House  March  in  memory  of  his  requested  departure 
from  that  abode.  He  organised  the  school  dramatic 
club.  He  was  secretary  and  treasurer  of  his  class 
and  of  every  organisation  to  which  he  belonged.  He 
received  a  commission  from  a  dozen  firms  to  sell  to 
his  likenesses,  stationery,  athletic  goods,  choice  sets 
of  books,  fin  de  siecle  neckties,  fancy  waistcoats, 
fountain  pens  and  safety  razors,  all  of  which  arti 
cles,  if  report  is  to  be  credited,  he  sold  with  ease  and 
eloquence  at  ten  per  cent,  above  the  retail  price. 
His  room  was  a  combination  of  a  sorcerer's  den  and 
junk-shop.  At  one  corner  a  row  of  shelves  held  a 
villainous  array  of  ill-smelling  black,  green  and  blue 
bottles,  with  which  he  was  prepared  to  instantly  cure 
anything  from  lockjaw  to  snake  bite. 

The  full  measure  of  Macnooder's  activities  was 
never  known.  Turkey  Reiter  had  even  surprised 
him  drawing  up  a  will  for  Bill  Orum,  the  cobbler, 
to  whom  he  had  just  sold  a  cure  for  rheumatism. 


16  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

It  was  to  Macnooder  that  Hickey  opened  his 
heart  and  his  need  of  vengeance.  It  cannot  be  said 
that  the  ethical  side  of  the  struggle  appealed  to 
Macnooder,  who  had  small  predilection  for  phi 
losophy  and  none  at  all  for  the  moral  sciences,  but 
the  love  of  mischief  was  strong.  The  encounter  with 
Tapping  in  the  morning  had  suggested  a  victim  near 
at  hand  and  conveniently  inexperienced. 

Mr.  Tapping  in  advance  of  young  Mr.  Bald 
win  (of  whom  it  shall  be  related)  had  arrived  at 
Lawrenceville  the  previous  year  with  latter-day 
theories  on  the  education  of  boys.  As  luck  would 
have  it,  Mr.  Rogers,  the  housemaster,  would  be  ab 
sent  that  evening  at  a  little  dinner  of  old  classmates 
in  Princeton,  leaving  the  entire  conduct  of  the  Dick 
inson  in  the  hands  of  his  assistant.  In  passing,  it 
must  be  noted  that  between  the  two  masters  there 
was  little  sympathy.  Mr.  Rogers  had  lived  too  long 
in  the  lair  of  the  boy  to  be  at  all  impressed  with  the 
new  ideas  on  education  that  Mr.  Tapping  and  later 
Mr.  Baldwin  advocated  in  the  blissful  state  of  their 
ignorance. 

At  three  o'clock,  Tapping  departed  to  convey  to 
a  class  of  impatient  boys,  decked  out  in  athletic 
costumes  with  base-balls  stuffed  in  their  pockets  and 


THE   AWAKENING   OF   RICKEY         17 

tennis  rackets  waiting  at  their  sides,  the  interesting 
shades  of  distinction  in  that  exciting  study,  Greek 
prose  composition.  Then  Hickey  gleefully,  while 
Macnooder  guarded  the  stairs,  entered  the  study,  and 
with  a  screw-driver  loosened  the  screw  which  held  the 
inner  door-knob,  to  the  extent  that  it  could  later  be 
easily  removed  with  the  fingers. 

At  half  past  seven  o'clock,  when  study  hour  had 
begun,  Hickey  entered  the  sanctum  ostensibly  for 
advice  on  a  perplexing  problem  in  advanced  algebra. 

Mr.  Tapping  did  not  like  Hickey.  He  regarded 
him  with  suspicion,  with  an  instinctive  recognition 
of  an  enemy.  Also  he  was  engaged  in  the  difficult 
expression  of  a  certain  letter  which,  at  that  time,  pre 
sented  more  difficulties  than  the  binomial  theorem. 
So  he  inquired  with  short  cordiality,  concealing  the 
written  page  under  a  blotter: 

"Well,  Hicks,  what  is  it?" 

"  Please,  Mr.  Tapping,"  said  Hickey,  who  had 
perceived  the  move  with  malignant  delight,  "  I  wish 
you'd  look  at  this  problem, — it  won't  work  out." 
He  added  (shades  of  a  thousand  boys!),  "I  think 
there  must  be  some  mistake  in  the  book." 

Now,  the  chief  miseries  of  a  young  assistant  mas 
ter  centre  about  the  study  hours;  when  theory  de- 


18 

mands  that  he  should  be  ready  to  advise  and  instruct 
the  discouraged  boyish  mind  on  any  subject  figuring 
in  the  curriculum,  whatever  be  his  preference  or  his 
prejudice.  Mr.  Tapping,  who  romped  over  the 
Greek  and  Latin  page,  had  an  hereditary  weakness 
in  the  mathematics,  a  failing  that  the  boys  had  dis 
covered  and  instantly  turned  to  their  profit.  He 
took  the  book,  glanced  at  the  problem  and  began  to 
jot  down  a  line  of  figures.  Hickey,  meanwhile,  with 
his  back  to  the  door,  brazenly  extracted  the  loosened 
screw. 

Finally,  Mr.  Tapping,  becoming  hopelessly  en 
tangled,  raised  his  head  and  said  with  a  disdainful 
smile:  "Hicks,  I  think  you  had  better  put  a  little 
work  on  this — just  a  little  work!" 

"  Mr.  Tapping,  I  don't  understand  it,"  said 
Hickey,  adding  to  himself,  "  Old  Tabby  is  up  a 
tree!" 

"  Nonsense — perfectly  easy,  perfectly  simple," 
said  Tapping,  returning  the  book  with  a  gesture  of 
dismissal,  "  requires  a  little  application,  Hicks,  just 
a  little  application — that's  all." 

Hickey,  putting  on  his  most  injured  look,  bowed 
to  injustice  and  departed  at  the  moment  that  Turkey 
Reiter  entered,  seeking  assistance  in  French.  Upon 


THE   AWAKENING   OF   RICKEY         19 

his  tracks,  without  an  interval,  succeeded  Macnooder 
with  a  German  composition,  Hungry  Smeed  to  dis 
cuss  history,  the  Egghead  on  a  question  of  spelling, 
and  Beauty  Sawtelle  in  thirst  for  information  about 
the  Middle  Ages.  Finally,  Mr.  Tapping's  patience, 
according  to  Macnooder's  prophetic  calculation, 
burst  on  a  question  of  biblical  interpretation,  and 
announcing  wrathfully  that  he  could  no  longer  be 
disturbed,  he  ushered  out  the  last  tormentor  and  shut 
the  door  with  violence. 

Presently  Hickey  stole  up  on  tiptoe  and  fastening 
a  noose  over  the  knob,  gave  a  signal.  The  string, 
pulled  by  a  dozen  equally  responsible  hands,  carried 
away  the  knob,  which  fell  with  a  tiny  crash  and  spun 
in  crazy  circles  on  the  floor.  The  fall  of  the  inner 
useless  knob  was  heard  on  the  inside  of  the  door  and 
the  exclamation  that  burst  from  the  startled  master. 
The  tyrant  was  caged, — the  house  was  at  their 
pleasure ! 

Mr.  Tapping  committed  the  initial  mistake  of 
knocking  twice  imperiously  on  the  door  and  com 
manding,  "  Open  at  once." 

Two  knocks  answered  him.  Then  he  struck  three 
violent  blows  and  three  violent  echoes  returned,  while 
a  bunch  of  wriggling,  chuckling  boys  clustered  at 


20  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

every  crack  of  the  door,  listening  with  strained  ears 
for  the  muffled  roars  that  came  from  within. 

While  one  group  began  a  game  of  leap-frog,  an 
other,  under  the  guidance  of  Hickey,  descended  into 
the  housemaster's  quarters  and  proceeded  to  attend 
to  the  rearrangement  of  the  various  rooms.  Work 
ing  beaver-like  with  whispered  cautions,  they  rapidly 
exchanged  the  furniture  of  the  parlour  with  the 
dining-room,  grouping  each  transformed  room,  ex 
actly  as  the  original  had  been. 

Then  they  placed  the  six-foot  water-cooler  directly 
in  front  of  the  entrance  with  a  tin  pan  balanced,  to 
give  the  alarm,  and  shaking  with  silent  expectant 
laughter  extinguished  all  lights,  undressed  and  re 
turned  to  the  corridors,  white,  shadowy  forms,  to 
wait  developments.  Meanwhile,  the  caged  assistant 
master  continued  to  pound  upon  the  door  with  a 
fury  that  betokened  a  state  of  approaching  hysteria. 

At  half  past  ten,  suddenly  the  tin  pan  crashed 
horribly  on  the  floor.  A  second  later  every  boy  was 
sleeping  loudly  in  his  bed.  Astonished  at  such  a  re 
ception,  Mr.  Rogers  groped  into  the  darkness  and 
fell  against  the  water-cooler,  which  in  his  excitement 
he  embraced  and  carried  over  with  him  to  the  floor. 
Recovering  himself,  he  lighted  the  gas  and  perceived 


THE  AWAKENING   OF  HICKEY        21 

the  transformed  parlour  and  dining-room.  Then  he 
started  for  the  assistant  housemaster's  rooms,  with 
long,  angry  bounds,  saying  incoherent,  expressive 
things  to  himself. 

The  ordeal  that  young  Mr.  Tapping  faced,  from 
his  superior,  one  hour  later  when  the  door  had  been 
opened,  was  distinctly  unpleasant,  and  was  not  made 
the  more  agreeable  from  the  fact  that  every  rebuke 
resounded  through  the  house,  and  carried  joy  and 
comfort  to  the  listening  boys. 

The  housemaster  would  hear  no  explanation;  in 
fact,  explanations  were  about  the  last  thing  he 
wanted.  He  desired  to  express  his  disgust,  his  in 
dignation  and  his  rage,  and  he  did  so  magnificently. 

"  May  I  say  one  word,  sir?  "  said  Mr.  Tapping 
in  a  lull. 

"  Quite  unnecessary,  Mr.  Tapping,"  cut  in  the 
still  angry  master ;  "  I  don't  wish  any  explanations. 
Such  a  thing  as  this  has  never  happened  in  the  his 
tory  of  this  institution.  That's  all  I  wish  to  know. 
You  forget  that  you  are  not  left  in  charge  of  a 
young  ladies'  seminary." 

"  Very  well,  sir,"  said  the  mortified  Mr.  Tapping. 
"  May  I  ask  what  you  intend  to  do  about  this  act  of 
insubordination?  " 


22  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

"  That  is  what  I  intend  to  ask  you,  sir,"  replied 
his  superior.  "  Good-night." 

The  next  day  after  luncheon,  Mr.  Tapping  sum 
moned  the  house  to  his  study  and  addressed  them  as 
follows : 

"  Young  gentlemen  of  the  Dickinson  House,  I 
don't  think  you  have  any  doubt  as  to  why  I  have 
called  you  here.  A  very  serious  breach  of  discipline 
has  taken  place — one  that  cannot  be  overlooked.  The 
sooner  we  meet  the  situation  in  the  right  spirit, 
gravely,  with  seriousness,  the  sooner  will  we  meet 
each  other  in  that  spirit  of  harmony  and  friendly  un 
derstanding  that  should  exist  between  pupil  and  mas 
ter.  I  am  willing  to  make  some  allowance  for  the 
spirit  of  mischief,  but  none  for  an  exhibition  of  un- 
truthfulness.  I  warn  you  that  I  know,  that  I  know 
who  were  the  ringleaders  in  last  night's  outrage." 
Here  he  stopped  and  glanced  in  succession  at  each 
individual  boy.  Then  suddenly  turning,  he  said: 

"  Hicks,  were  you  concerned  in  this?  " 

"  Mr.  Tapping,"  said  Hickey,  with  the  air  of  a 
martyr,  "  I  refuse  to  answer." 

"  On  what  ground  ?  " 

"  On  the  ground  that  I  will  not  furnish  any  clue 
whatsoever." 


THE    AWAKENING   OF   HICKEY         23 

"  I  shall  deal  with  your  case  later." 

"  Very  well,  sir." 

"  Macnooder,"  continued  Mr.  Tapping,  "  what 
do  you  know  about  this  ?  " 

"  I  refuse  to  answer,  sir." 

At  each  demand,  the  same  refusal. 

Tapping,  repulsed  in  his  first  attempt,  hesitated 
and  reflected.  Above  all  things  he  did  not  wish  to 
perpetuate  last  night's  humiliation,  and  to  continue 
the  combat  meant  an  accusation  en  bloc  against  the 
Dickinson  House  before  the  head  master. 

"  Hicks,  Macnooder  and  Reiter,  wait  here,"  he 
said  suddenly ;  "  the  rest  may  go." 

He  walked  up  and  down  before  the  three  a  moment, 
and  then  said :  "  Reiter,  you  may  go ;  you,  too, 
Macnooder." 

Hickey,  thus  deprived  of  all  support,  remained 
defiant. 

"May  I  ask,"  he  said  indignantly,  "why  I  am 
picked  out?  " 

"  Hicks,"  said  Mr.  Tapping  sternly,  without  re 
plying  to  the  question,  "  I  know  pretty  well  who  was 
the  ringleader  in  this,  and  other  things  that  have 
been  going  on  in  the  past.  I  warn  you,  my  boy,  I 
shall  keep  my  eye  on  you  from  this  time  forth. 


24  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

That's  all  I  want  to  say  to  you.  Look  out  for 
yourself !  " 

Hickey  could  hardly  restrain  the  tears.  He  went 
out  with  deadly  wrath  boiling  in  his  heart.  The  idea 
of  signalling  him  out  from  the  whole  house  in  that 
way!  So  then  every  hand  was  against  him;  he  had 
no  security ;  he  was  marked  for  suspicion,  his  down 
fall  determined  upon! 

For  one  brief  moment  his  spirit,  the  spirit  of  in 
domitable,  battling  boyhood,  failed  him,  and  he  felt 
the  grey  impossibility  of  contending  against  ty 
rants.  But  only  a  moment,  and  then  with  a  return 
of  the  old  fighting  spirit  he  suddenly  conceived  the 
idea  of  single-handed  defying  the  whole  organised 
hereditary  and  intrenched  tyranny  that  sought  to 
crush  him,  of  matching  his  wits  against  the  hydra 
despotism,  perhaps,  going  down  gloriously  like  Spar- 
tacus,  for  the  .cause,  but  leaving  behind  a  name 
that  should  roll  down  the  generations  of  future  boys. 


THE    GREAT    PANCAKE    RECORD 

LITTLE  Smeed  stood  apart,  in  the  obscure  shelter 
of  the  station,  waiting  to  take  his  place  on  the 
stage  which  would  carry  him  to  the  great  new 
boarding-school.  He  was  frail  and  undersized,  with 
a  long,  pointed  nose  and  vacant  eyes  that  stupidly 
assisted  the  wide  mouth  to  make  up  a  famished  face. 
The  scarred  bag  in  his  hand  hung  from  one  clasp, 
the  premature  trousers  were  at  half-mast,  while 

25 


26  THE    PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

pink  polka-dots  blazed  from  the  cuffs  of  his  nerv 
ous  sleeves. 

By  the  wheels  of  the  stage  "  Fire  Crackers  "  Glen- 
denning  and  "  Jock "  Hasbrouck,  veterans  of  the 
Kennedy  House,  sporting  the  'varsity  initials  on 
their  sweaters  and  caps,  were  busily  engaged  in 
cross-examining  the  new  boys  who  clambered  timidly 
to  their  places  on  top.  Presently,  Fire  Crackers, 
perceiving  Smeed,  hailed  him. 

"  Hello,  over  there — what's  your  name?  " 

"Smeed,  sir." 

"Smeed  what?"    - 

"  Johnnie  Smeed." 

The  questioner  looked  him  over  with  disfavour 
and  said  aggressively: 

"  You're  not  for  the  Kennedy  ?  " 

"  No,  sir." 

"What  house?" 

"  The  Dickinson,  sir." 

"The  Dickinson,  eh?  That's  a  good  one,"  said 
Fire  Crackers,  with  a  laugh,  and,  turning  to  his 
companion,  he  added,  "  Say,  Jock,  won't  Hickey 
and  the  old  Turkey  be  wild  when  they  get  this 
one?" 

Little  Smeed,  uncomprehending  of  the  judgment 


THE    GREAT   PANCAKE   RECORD      27 

that  had  been  passed,  stowed  his  bag  inside  and 
clambered  up  to  a  place  on  the  top.  Jimmy,  at  the 
reins,  gave  a  warning  shout.  The  horses,  stirred  by 
the  whip,  churned  obediently  through  the  sideways 
of  Trenton. 

Lounging  on  the  stage  were  half  a  dozen  new 
comers,  six  well-assorted  types,  from  the  well- 
groomed  stripling  of  the  city  to  the  aggressive,  big- 
limbed  animal  from  the  West,  all  profoundly  under 
the  sway  of  the  two  old  boys  who  sat  on  the  box 
with  Jimmy  and  rattled  on  with  quiet  superiority. 
The  coach  left  the  outskirts  of  the  city  and  rolled 
into  the  white  highway  that  leads  to  Lawrenceville. 
The  known  world  departed  for  Smeed.  He  gazed 
fearfully  ahead,  waiting  the  first  glimpse  of  the 
new  continent. 

Suddenly  Fire  Crackers  turned  and,  scanning  the 
embarrassed  group,  singled  out  the  strong  Westerner 
with  an  approving  glance. 

"  You're  for  the  Kennedy  ?  " 

The  boy,  stirring  uneasily,  blurted  out: 

"Yes,  sir." 

"  What's  your  name?  " 

"  Tom  Walsh." 

"  How  old  are  you  ?  " 


28  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

"  Eighteen." 

"  What  do  you  weigh  ?  " 

"  One  hundred  and  seventy." 

"  Stripped?  " 

"  What?     Oh,  no,  sir — regular  way." 

"  You've  played  a  good  deal  of  football  ?  " 

"  Yes,  sir." 

Hasbrouck  took  up  the  questioning  with  a  criti 
cal  appreciation. 

"What  position?" 

"  Guard  and  tackle." 

"You  know  Bill  Stevens?" 

"Yes,  sir." 

"  He  spoke  about  you ;  said  you  played  on  the 
Military  Academy.  You'll  try  for  the  'varsity  ?  " 

"  I  guess  so." 

Hasbrouck  turned  to  Fire  Crackers  in  solemn  con 
clave. 

"  He  ought  to  stand  up  against  Turkey  if  he 
knows  anything  about  the  game.  If  we  get  a  good 
end  we  ought  to  give  that  Dickinson  crowd  the  fight 
of  their  lives." 

"  There's  a  fellow  came  from  Montclair  they  say 
is  pretty  good,"  Fire  Crackers  said,  with  solicitous 
gravity.  "  The  line'll  be  all  right  if  we  can  get  some 


THE    GREAT   PANCAKE   RECORD        29 

good  halves.  That's  where  the  Dickinson  has  it  on 
us." 

Smeed  listened  in  awe  to  the  two  statesmen  study 
ing  out  the  chances  of  the  Kennedy  eleven  for  the 
house  championship,  realising  suddenly  that  there 
were  new  and  sacred  purposes  about  his  new  life 
of  which  he  had  no  conception.  Then,  absorbed  by 
the  fantasy  of  the  trip  and  the  strange  unfolding 
world  into  which  he  was  jogging,  he  forgot  the 
lords  of  the  Kennedy,  forgot  his  fellows  in  ignorance, 
forgot  that  he  didn't  play  football  and  was  only  a 
stripling,  forgot  everything  but  the  fascination 
of  the  moment  when  the  great  school  would  rise 
out  of  the  distance  and  fix  itself  indelibly  in  his 
memory. 

"  There's  the  water-tower,"  said  Jimmy,  extend 
ing  the  whip ;  "  you'll  see  the  school  from  the  top  of 
the  hill." 

Little  Smeed  craned  forward  with  a  sudden  thump 
ing  of  his  heart.  In  the  distance,  a  mile  away,  a 
cluster  of  brick  and  tile  sprang  out  of  the  green, 
like  a  herd  of  red  deer  surprised  in  the  forest. 
Groups  of  boys  began  to  show  on  the  roadside. 
Strange  greetings  were  flung  back  and  forth. 

"  Hello-oo,  Fire  Crackers !  " 


30 

"  How-de-do,  Saphead !  " 

"Oh,  there,  Jock  Hasbrouck!" 

"  Oh,  you  Morning  Glory !  " 

"  Oh,  you  Kennedys,  we're  going  to  lick  you ! " 

"  Yes  you  are,  Dickinson !  " 

The  coach  passed  down  the  shaded  vault  of  the 
village  street,  turned  into  the  campus,  passed  the 
ivy-clad  house  of  the  head  master  and  rolled  around 
a  circle  of  well-trimmed  lawn,  past  the  long,  low 
Upper  House  where  the  Fourth  Form  gazed  at  them 
in  senior  superiority;  past  the  great  brown  masses 
of  Memorial  Hall  and  the  pointed  chapel,  around  to 
where  the  houses  were  ranged  in  red,  extended 
bodies.  Little  Smeed  felt  an  abject  sinking  of  the 
heart  at  this  sudden  exposure  to  the  thousand  eyes 
fastened  upon  him  from  the  wide  esplanade  of  the 
Upper,  from  the  steps  of  Memorial,  from  house, 
windows  and  stoops,  from  the  shade  of  apple  trees 
and  the  glistening  road. 

All  at  once  the  stage  stopped  and  Jimmy  cried: 

"  Dickinson ! " 

At  one  end  of  the  red-brick  building,  overrun  with 
cool  vines,  a  group  of  boys  were  lolling  in  flannels 
and  light  jerseys.  A  chorus  went  up. 

"Hello,  Fire  Crackers!" 


THE    GREAT   PANCAKE    RECORD        31 

"Hello,  Jock!" 

"Hello,  you  Hickey  boy!" 

"  Hello,  Turkey ;  see  what  we've  brought  you !  " 

Smeed  dropped  to  the  ground  amid  a  sudden  hush, 

"  Fare,"  said  Jimmy  aggressively. 

Smeed  dug  into  his  pocket  and  tendered  the  neces 
sary  coin.  The  coach  squeaked  away,  while  from 
the  top  Fire  Crackers'  exulting  voice  returned  in 
insolent  exultation: 

"  Hard  luck,  Dickinson !  Hard  luck,  you,  old 
Hickey!" 

Little  Smeed,  his  hat  askew,  his  collar  rolled  up, 
his  bag  at  his  feet,  stood  in  the  road,  alone  in  the 
world,  miserable  and  thoroughly  frightened.  One 
path  led  to  the  silent,  hostile  group  on  the  steps, 
another  went  in  safety  to  the  master's  entrance.  He 
picked  up  his  bag  hastily. 

"  Hello,  you — over  there !  " 

Smeed  understood  it  was  a  command.  He  turned 
submissively  and  approached  with  embarrassed  steps. 
Face  to  face  with  these  superior  beings,  tanned  and 
muscular,  stretched  in  Olympian  attitudes,  he  realised 
all  at  once  the  hopelessness  of  his  ever  daring  to 
associate  with  such  demi-gods.  Still  he  stood,  shift 
ing  from  foot  to  foot,  eyeing  the  steps,  waiting  for 


32  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

the  solemn  ordeal  of  examination  and  classification 
to  be  over. 

"Well,  Hungry — what's  your  name?" 

Smeed  comprehended  that  the  future  was  decided, 
and  that  to  the  grave  he  would  go  down  as  "  Hun 
gry  "  Smeed.  With  a  sigh  of  relief  he  answered : 

"Smeed— John  Smeed." 

"Sir!" 

"  Sir." 

"  How  old?  " 

"  Fifteen." 

"Sir!!" 

"  Sir." 

"  What  do  you  weigh?  " 

"  One  hundred  and  six — sir !  " 

A  grim  silence  succeeded  this  depressing  informa 
tion.  Then  some  one  in  the  back,  as  a  mere  matter 
of  form,  asked: 

"  Never  played  football?  " 

"  No,  sir." 

"Baseball?" 

"No,  sir." 

"  Anything  on  the  track?  " 

"  No,  sir." 

"  Sing?  " 


THE   GREAT   PANCAKE    RECORD        33 

"  No,  sir,"  said  Smeed,  humbly. 

"Do  anything  at  all?" 

Little  Smeed  glanced  at  the  eaves  where  the  swal 
lows  were  swaying  and  then  down  at  the  soft  couch 
of  green  at  his  feet  and  answered  faintly: 

"  No,  sir — I'm  afraid  not." 

Another  silence  came,  then  some  one  said,  in  a 
voice  of  deepest  conviction : 

"A  dead  loss!" 

Smeed  went  sadly  into  the  house. 

At  the  door  he  lingered  long  enough  to  hear  the 
chorus  burst  out: 

"  A  fine  football  team  we'll  have !  " 

"It's  a  put-up  job!" 

"  They  don't  want  us  to  win  the  championship 
again — that's  it !  " 

"  I  say,  we  ought  to  kick." 

Then,  after  a  little,  the  same  deep  voice: 

"  A  dead  loss !  " 

With  each  succeeding  week  Hungry  Smeed  com 
prehended  more  fully  the  enormity  of  his  offence 
in  doing  nothing  and  weighing  one  hundred  and  six 
pounds.  He  saw  the  new  boys  arrive,  pass  through 
the  fire  of  christening,  give  respectable  weights  and 


34  THE   PRODIGIOUS   H1CKEY 

go  forth  to  the  gridiron  to  be  whipped  into  shape 
by  Turkey  and  the  Butcher,  who  played  on  the  school 
eleven.  Smeed  humbly  and  thankfully  went  down 
each  afternoon  to  the  practice,  carrying  the  sweat 
ers  and  shin-guards,  like  the  grateful  little  beast 
of  burden  that  he  was.  He  watched  his  juniors, 
Spider  and  Red  Dog,  rolling  in  the  mud  or  flung 
gloriously  under  an  avalanche  of  bodies ;  but  then, 
they  weighed  over  one  hundred  and  thirty,  while 
he  was  still  at  one  hundred  and  six — a  dead  loss ! 
The  fever  of  house  loyalty  invaded  him ;  he  even  came 
to  look  with  resentment  on  the  Faculty  and  to  re 
peat  secretly  to  himself  that  they  never  would  have 
unloaded  him  on  the  Dickinson  if  they  hadn't  been 
willing  to  stoop  to  any  methods  to  prevent  the 
House  again  securing  the  championship. 

The  fact  that  the  Dickinson,  in  an  extraordi 
nary  manner,  finally  won  by  the  closest  of  margins, 
consoled  Smeed  but  a  little  while.  There  were  no 
more  sweaters  to  carry,  or  pails  of  barley  water  to 
fetch,  or  guard  to  be  mounted  on  the  old  rail-fence, 
to  make  certain  that  the  spies  from  the  Davis  and 
Kennedy  did  not  surprise  the  secret  plays  which 
Hickey  and  Slugger  Jones  had  craftily  evolved. 

With  the  long  winter  months  he  felt  more  keenly 


THE   GREAT   PANCAKE   RECORD       35 

his  obscurity  and  the  hopelessness  of  ever  leaving 
a  mark  on  the  great  desert  of  school  life  that  would 
bring  honour  to  the  Dickinson.  He  resented  even 
the  lack  of  the  mild  hazing  the  other  boys  received 
— he  was  too  insignificant  to  be  so  honoured.  He 
was  only  a  "  dead  loss,"  good  for  nothing  but  to 
squeeze  through  his  recitations,  to  sleep  enormously, 
and  to  eat  like  a  glutton  with  a  hunger  that  could 
never  be  satisfied,  little  suspecting  the  future  that 
lay  in  this  famine  of  his  stomach. 

For  it  was  written  in  the  inscrutable  fates  that 
Hungry  Smeed  should  leave  a  name  that  would  go 
down  imperishably  to  decades  of  schoolboys,  when 
Dibbles'  touchdown  against  Princeton  and  Kafer's 
home  run  should  be  only  tinkling  sounds.  So  it  hap 
pened,  and  the  agent  of  this  divine  destiny  was 
Hickey. 

It  so  happened  that  examinations  being  still  in 
the  threatening  distance,  Hickey's  fertile  brain  was 
unoccupied  with  methods  of  facilitating  his  scholarly 
progress  by  homely  inventions  that  allowed  formu 
las  and  dates  to  be  concealed  in  the  palm  and  disap 
pear  obligingly  up  the  sleeve  on  the  approach  of 
the  Natural  Enemy.  Moreover,  Hickey  and  Hickey's 
friends  were  in  straitened  circumstances,  with  all 


36  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

credit  gone  at  the  jigger-shop,  and  the  appetite 
for  jiggers  in  an  acute  stage  of  deprivation. 

In  this  keenly  sensitive,  famished  state  of  his 
imagination,  Hickey  suddenly  became  aware  of  a 
fact  fraught  with  possibilities.  Hungry  Smeed  had 
an  appetite  distinguished  and  remarkable  even  in 
that  company  of  aching  voids. 

No  sooner  had  this  pregnant  idea  become  his 
property  than  Hickey  confided  his  hopes  to  Doc 
Macnooder,  his  chum  and  partner  in  plans  that  were 
dark  and  mysterious.  Macnooder  saw  in  a  flash  the 
glorious  and  lucrative  possibilities.  A  very  short 
series  of  tests  sufficed  to  convince  the  twain  that  in 
little  Smeed  they  had  a  phenomenon  who  needed  only 
to  be  properly  developed  to  pass  into  history. 

Accordingly,  on  a  certain  muddy  morning  in 
March,  Hickey  and  Doc  Macnooder,  with  Smeed  in 
tow,  stole  into  the  jigger-shop  at  an  hour  in  defiance 
of  regulations  and  fraught  with  delightful  risks  of 
detection. 

Al,  the  watch-dog  of  the  jigger,  was  tilted  back, 
near  a  farther  window,  the  parted  tow  hair  falling 
doglike  over  his  eyes,  absorbed  in  the  reading  of 
Spenser's  Faerie  Queen,  an  abnormal  taste  which 
made  him  absolutely  incomprehensible  to  the  boyish 


THE    GREAT   PANCAKE    RECORD        37 

mind.  At  the  sound  of  the  stolen  entrance,  Al  put 
down  the  volume  and  started  mechanically  to  rise. 
Then,  recognising  his  visitors,  he  returned  to  his 
chair,  saying  wearily : 

"  Nothing  doing,  Hickey." 

"  Guess  again,"  said  Hickey,  cheerily.  "  We're 
not  asking  you  to  hang  us  up  this  time,  Al." 

"  You  haven't  got  any  money,"  said  Al,  the  re 
corder  of  allowances ;  "  not  unless  you  stole  it." 

"  Al,  we  don't  come  to  take  your  hard-earned 
money,  but  to  do  you  good,"  put  in  Macnooder 
impudently.  "  We're  bringing  you  a  little  sporting 
proposition." 

"  Have  you  come  to  pay  up  that  account  of 
yours  ?  "  said  Al.  "  If  not,  run  along,  you  Macnoo 
der  ;  don't  waste  my  time,  with  your  wildcat  schemes." 

"  Al,  this  is  a  sporting  proposition,"  took  up 
Hickey. 

"  Has  Tie  any  money  ?  "  said  Al,  who  suddenly  re 
membered  that  Smeed  was  not  yet  under  suspicion. 

"  See  here,  Al,"  said  Macnooder,  "  we'll  back 
Smeed  to  eat  the  jiggers  against  you — for  the 
crowd ! " 

"  Where's  your  money  ?  " 

"  Here,"  said  Hickey ;  "  this  goes  up  if  we  lose." 


38  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

He  produced  a  gold  watch  of  Smeed's,  and  was  about 
to  tender  it  when  he  withdrew  it  with  a  sudden  cau 
tion.  "  On  the  condition,  if  we  win  I  get  it  back  and 
you  won't  hold  it  up  against  my  account." 

"  All  right.     Let's  see  it." 

The  watch  was  given  to  Al,  who  looked  it  over, 
grunted  in  approval,  and  then  looked  at  little 
Smeed. 

"  Now,  Al, "  said  Macnooder  softly,  "  give  us  a 
gambling  chance;  he's  only  a  runt." 

Al  considered,  and  Al  was  wise.  The  proposition 
came  often  and  he  had  never  lost.  A  jigger  is  un 
like  any  other  ice  cream;  it  is  dipped  from  the 
creamy  tin  by  a  cone-shaped  scoop  called  a  jigger, 
which  gives  it  an  unusual  and  peculiar  flavour. 
Since  those  days  the  original  jigger  has  been  con 
taminated  and  made  ridiculous  by  offensive  alliances 
with  upstart  syrups,  meringues  and  macaroons  with 
absurd  titles ;  but  then  the  boy  went  to  the  simple 
jigger  as  the  sturdy  Roman  went  to  the  cold  waters 
of  the  Tiber.  A  double  jigger  fills  a  large  soda- 
glass  when  ten  cents  has  been  laid  on  the  counter, 
and  two  such  glasses  quench  all  desire  in  the  normal 
appetite. 

"If  he  can  eat  twelve  double  jiggers,"  Al  said 


THE    GREAT   PANCAKE    RECORD        39 

slowly,  "  I'll  set  them  up  and  the  jiggers  for  youse. 
Otherwise,  I'll  hold  the  watch." 

At  this  there  was  a  protest  from  the  backers  of 
the  champion,  with  the  result  that  the  limit  was  re 
duced  to  ten. 

"  Is  it  a  go  ?  "  Al  said,  turning  to  Smeed,  who  had 
waited  modestly  in  the  background. 

"  Sure,"  he  answered,  with  calm  certainty. 

"  You've  got  nerve,  you  have,"  said  Al,  with  a 
scornful  smile,  scooping  up  the  first  jiggers  and 
shoving  the  glass  to  him.  "  Ten  doubles  is  the  record 
in  these  parts,  young  fellow ! " 

Then  little  Smeed,  methodically,  and  without  ap 
parent  pain,  ate  the  ten  doubles. 

Conover's  was  not  in  the  catalogue  that  anxious 
parents  study,  but  then  catalogues  are  like  epitaphs 
in  a  cemetery.  Next  to  the  jigger-shop,  Conover's 
was  quite  the  most  important  institution  in  the 
school.  In  a  little  white  Colonial  cottage,  Conover, 
veteran  of  the  late  war,  and  Mrs.  Conover,  still  in 
active  service,  supplied  pancakes  and  maple  syrup 
on  a  cash  basis,  two  dollars  credit  to  second-year 
boys  in  good  repute.  Conover's,  too,  had  its  tradi 
tions.  Twenty-six  pancakes,  large  and  thick,  in  one 


40  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

continuous  sitting,  was  the  record,  five  years  old, 
standing  to  the  credit  of  Guzzler  Wilkins,  which  suc 
ceeding  classes  had  attacked  in  vain.  Wily  Conover, 
to  stimulate  such  profitable  tests,  had  solemnly 
pledged  himself  to  the  delivery  of  free  pancakes  to 
all  comers  during  that  day  on  which  any  boy,  at  one 
continuous  sitting,  unaided,  should  succeed  in  swal 
lowing  the  awful  number  of  thirty-two.  Conover 
was  not  considered  a  prodigal. 

This  deed  of  heroic  accomplishment  and  public 
benefaction  was  the  true  goal  of  Mickey's  planning. 
The  test  of  the  jigger-shop  was  but  a  preliminary 
trying  out.  With  medical  caution,  Doc  Macnooder 
refused  to  permit  Smeed  to  go  beyond  the  ten  doubles, 
holding  very  wisely  that  the  jigger  record  could 
wait  for  a  further  day.  The  amazed  Al  was  sworn 
to  secrecy. 

It  was  Wednesday,  and  the  following  Saturday 
was  decided  upon  for  the  supreme  test  at  Conover's. 
Smeed  at  once  was  subjected  to  a  graduated  system 
of  starvation.  Thursday  he  was  hungry,  but  Friday 
he  was  so  ravenous  that  a  watch  was  instituted  on 
all  his  movements. 

The  next  morning  the  Dickinson  House,  let  into 
the  secret,  accompanied  Smeed  to  Conover's.  If  there 


THE    GREAT   PANCAKE    RECORD        41 

was  even  a  possibility  of  free  pancakes,  the  House 
intended  to  be  satisfied  before  the  deluge  broke. 

Great  was  the  astonishment  at  Conover's  at  the 
arrival  of  the  procession. 

"  Mr.  Conover,"  said  Hickey,  in  the  quality  of 
manager,  "  we're  going  after  that  pancake  record." 

"  Mr.  Wilkins'  record? "  said  Conover,  seeking 
vainly  the  champion  in  the  crowd. 

"  No — after  that  record  of  yours?  answered 
Hickey.  "  Thirty-two  pancakes — we're  here  to 
get  free  pancakes  to-day — that's  what  we're  here 
for." 

"  So,  boys,  so,"  said  Conover,  smiling  pleasantly ; 
"  and  you  want  to  begin  now  ?  " 

"  Right  off  the  bat." 

"Well,  where  is  he?" 

Little  Smeed,  famished  to  the  point  of  tears,  was 
thrust  forward.  Conover,  who  was  expecting  some 
thing  on  the  lines  of  a  buffalo,  smiled  confidently. 

"  So,  boys,  so,"  he  said,  leading  the  way  with  alac 
rity.  "  I  guess  we're  ready,  too." 

"  Thirty-two  pancakes,  Conover — and  we  get  'em 
free!" 

"  That's  right,"  answered  Conover,  secure  in  his 
knowledge  of  boyish  capacity.  "  If  that  little  boy 


42  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

there  can  eat  thirty-two  I'll  make  them  all  day  free 
to  the  school.  That's  what  I  said,  and  what  I  say 
goes — and  that's  what  I  say  now." 

Hickey  and  Doc  Macnooder  whispered  the  last 
instructions  in  Smeed's  ear. 

"  Cut  out  the  syrup." 

"  Loosen  your  belt." 

"  Eat  slowly." 

In  a  low  room,  with  the  white  rafters  impending 
over  his  head,  beside  a  basement  window  flanked 
with  geraniums,  little  Smeed  sat  down  to  battle  for 
the  honour  of  the  Dickinson  and  the  record  of  the 
school.  Directly  under  his  eyes,  carved  on  the  wooden 
table,  a  name  challenged  him,  standing  out  of  the 
numerous  initials — Guzzler  Wilkins. 

"  I'll  keep  count,"  said  Hickey.  **  Macnooder  and 
Turkey,  watch  the  pancakes." 

"Regulation  size,  Conover,"  cried  that  cautious 
Red  Dog;  "no  doubling  now.  All  fair  and  above- 
board." 

"  All  right,  Hickey,  all  right,"  said  Conover,  leer 
ing  wickedly  from  the  door ;  "  if  that  little  grasshop 
per  can  do  it,  you  get  the  cakes." 

"  Now,  Hungry,"  said  Turkey,  clapping  Smeed 
pn  the  shoulder.  "Here  is  where  you  get  your 


THE    GREAT   PANCAKE    RECORD        43 

chance.  Remember,  Kid,  old  sport,  it's  for  the 
Dickinson." 

Smeed  heard  in  ecstasy;  it  was  just  the  way  Tur 
key  talked  to  the  eleven  on  the  eve  of  a  match.  He 
nodded  his  head  with  a  grim  little  shake  and  smiled 
nervously  at  the  thirty-odd  Dickinsonians  who 
formed  around  him  a  pit  of  expectant  and  hungry 
boyhood  from  the  floor  to  the  ceiling. 

"  All  ready ! "  sang  out  Turkey,  from  the  door 
way. 

"  Six  pancakes ! " 

"  Six  it  is,"  replied  Hickey,  chalking  up  a  monster 
6  on  the  slate  that  swung  from  the  rafters.  The 
pancakes  placed  before  the  ravenous  Smeed  vanished 
like  snow-flakes  on  a  July  lawn. 

A  cheer  went  up,  mingled  with  cries  of  caution. 

"  Not  so  fast." 

"  Take  your  time." 

"  Don't  let  them  be  too  hot." 

"  Not  too  hot,  Hickey ! " 

Macnooder  was  instructed  to  watch  carefully  over 
the  temperature  as  well  as  the  dimensions. 

"  Ready  again,"  came  the  cry. 

"  Ready — how  many?  " 

"Six  more." 


44  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

"  Six  it  is,"  said  Hickey,  adding  a  second  figure  to 
the  score.  "  Six  and  six  are  twelve." 

The  second  batch  went  the  way  of  the  first. 

"  Why,  that  boy  is  starving,"  said  Conover,  open 
ing  his  eyes. 

"  Sure  he  is,"  said  Hickey.  "  He's  eating  'way  back 
in  last  week — he  hasn't  had  a  thing  for  ten  days." 

"  Six  more,"  cried  Macnooder. 

"  Six  it  is,"  answered  Hickey.  "  Six  and  twelve 
is  eighteen." 

"  Eat  them  one  at  a  time,  Hungry." 

"  No,  let  him  alone." 

"  He  knows  best." 

"  Not  too  fast,  Hungry,  not  too  fast." 

"  Eighteen  for  Hungry,  eighteen.     Hurrah ! " 

"  Thirty-two  is  a  long  ways  to  go,"  said  Conover, 
gazing  apprehensively  at  the  little  David  who  had 
come  so  impudently  into  his  domain ;  "  fourteen  pan 
cakes  is  an  awful  lot." 

"  Shut  up,  Conover." 

"  No  trying  to  influence  him  there." 

"  Don't  listen  to  him,  Hungry." 

"  He's  only  trying  to  get  you  nervous." 

"  Fourteen  more,  Hungry — fourteen  more." 

"  Ready  again,"  sang  out  Macnooder. 


THE   GREAT   PANCAKE   RECORD       45 

"  Ready  here." 

"  Three  pancakes." 

"Three  it  is,"  responded  Hickey.  "Eighteen 
and  three  is  twenty-one." 

But  a  storm  of  protest  arose. 

"Here,  that's  not  fair!" 

"  I  say,  Hickey,  don't  let  them  do  that." 

"I  say,  Hickey,  it's  twice  as  hard  that  way." 

"  Oh,  go  on." 

"  Sure  it  is." 

"  Of  course  it  is." 

"  Don't  you  know  that  you  can't  drink  a  glass  of 
beer  if  you  take  it  with  a  teaspoon  ?  " 

"  That's  right,  Red  Dog's  right !    Six  at  a  time." 

"  Six  at  a  time !  " 

A  hurried  consultation  was  now  held  and  the  rea 
soning  approved.  Macnooder  was  charged  with  the 
responsibility  of  seeing  to  the  number  as  well  as 
the  temperature  and  dimensions. 

Meanwhile  Smeed  had  eaten  the  pancakes. 

"  Coming  again !  " 

"  All  ready  here." 

"  Six  pancakes !  " 

"  Six,"  said  Hickey ;  "  twenty-one  and  six  is  twen 
ty-seven." 


46  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

"  That'll  beat  Guzzler  Wilkins." 

"  So  it  will." 

"  Five  more  makes  thirty-two." 

"  Easy,  Hungry,  easy." 

"  Hungry's  done  it ;  he's  done  it." 

"  Twenty-seven  and  the  record !  " 

"Hurrah!" 

At  this  point  Smeed  looked  about  anxiously. 

"  It's  pretty  dry,"  he  said,  speaking  for  the  first 
time. 

Instantly  there  was  a  panic.  Smeed  was  reaching 
his  limit — a  groan  went  up. 

"  Oh,  Hungry." 

"  Only  five  more." 

"  Give  him  some  water." 

"  Water,  you  loon ;  do  you  want  to  end  him  ?  " 

"Why?" 

"  Water'll  swell  up  the  pancakes,  crazy." 

"  No  water,  no  water." 

Hickey  approached  his  man  with  anxiety. 

"What  is  it,  Hungry?  Anything  wrong?"  he 
said  tenderly. 

"  No,  only  it's  a  little  dry,"  said  Smeed,  un 
moved.  "  I'm  all  right,  but  I'd  like  just  a  drop  of 
syrup  now." 


THE   GREAT   PANCAKE   RECORD       47 

The  syrup  was  discussed,  approved  and  voted. 

"  You're  sure  you're  all  right,"  said  Hickey. 

"Oh,  yes." 

Conover,  in  the  last  ditch,  said  carefully : 

"  I  don't  want  no  fits  around  here." 

A  cry  of  protest  greeted  him. 

"  Well,  son,  that  boy  can't  stand  much  more. 
That's  just  like  the  Guzzler.  He  was  taken  short 
and  we  had  to  work  over  him  for  an  hour." 

"  Conover,  shut  up ! " 

"  Conover,  you're  beaten." 

"  Conover,  that's  an  old  game." 

"  Get  out." 

«  Shut  up." 

"  Fair  play." 

"  Fair  play !    Fair  play !  " 

A  new  interruption  came  from  the  kitchen.  Mac- 
nooder  claimed  that  Mrs.  Conover  was  doubling  the 
size  of  the  cakes.  The  dish  was  brought.  There  was 
no  doubt  about  it.  The  cakes  were  swollen.  Pan 
demonium  broke  loose.  .Conover  capitulated,  the 
cakes  were  rejected. 

"Don't  be  feazed  by  that,"  said  Hickey,  warn- 
ingly  to  Smeed. 

"  I'm  not,"  said  Smeed. 


48  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

"  All  ready,"  came  Macnooder's  cry. 

"  Ready  here." 

"  Six  pancakes ! " 

"  Regulation  size?  " 

"  Regulation." 

"  Six  it  is,"  said  Hickey,  at  the  slate.  "  Six  and 
twenty-seven  is  thirty-three." 

"  Wait  a  moment,"  sang  out  the  Butcher.  "  He 
has  only  to  eat  thirty-two." 

"  That's  so — take  one  off." 

"  Give  him  five,  Hickey — five  only." 

"  If  Hungry  says  he  can  eat  six,"  said  Hickey, 
firmly,  glancing  at  his  protege,  "  he  can.  We're  out 
for  big  things.  Can  you  do  it,  Hungry  ?  " 

And  Smeed,  fired  with  the  heroism  of  the  moment, 
answered  in  disdainful  simplicity: 

"Sure!" 

A  -cheer  that  brought  two  Davis  House  boys  run 
ning  in  greeted  the  disappearance  of  the  thirty- 
third.  Then  everything  was  forgotten  in  the  amaze 
ment  of  the  deed. 

"  Please,  I'd  like  to  go  on,"  said  Smeed. 

"  Oh,  Hungry,  can  you  do  it?  " 

"Really?" 

"  You're  goin'  on  ?  " 


THE   GREAT   PANCAKE   RECORD       49 

"Holy  cats!" 

**  How'll  you  take  them?  "  said  Hickey,  anxiously. 

"  I'll  try  another  six,"  said  Smeed,  thoughtfully, 
"  and  then  we'll  see." 

Conover,  vanquished  and  convinced,  no  longer 
sought  to  intimidate  him  with  horrid  suggestions. 

"Mr.  Smeed,"  he  said,  giving  him  his  hand  in 
admiration,  "  you  go  ahead ;  you  make  a  great  rec 
ord." 

"  Six  more,"  cried  Macnooder. 

"  Six  it  is,"  said  Hickey,  in  an  awed  voice ;  "  six 
and  thirty-three  makes  thirty-nine !  " 

Mrs.  Conover  and  Macnooder,  no  longer  antag 
onists,  came  in  from  the  kitchen  to  watch  the  great 
spectacle.  Little  Smeed  alone,  calm  and  unconscious, 
with  the  light  of  a  great  ambition  on  his  forehead, 
ate  steadily,  without  vacillation. 

"  Gee,  what  a  stride !  " 

"  By  Jiminy,  where  does  he  put  it  ?  "  said  Con- 
over,  staring  helplessly. 

"Holy  cats!" 

"  Thirty-nine — thirty-nine  pancakes — gee ! ! !" 

"  Hungry,"  said  Hickey,  entreatingly,  "  do  you 
think  you  could  eat  another — make  it  an  even 
forty?" 


50  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

"  Three  more,"  said  Smeed,  pounding  the  table 
with  a  new  authority.  This  time  no  voice  rose  in  re 
monstrance.  The  clouds  had  rolled  away.  They 
were  in  the  presence  of  a  master. 

"  Pancakes  coming." 

"  Bring  them  in ! " 

"  Three  more." 

"  Three  it  is,"  said  Hickey,  faintly.  "  Thirty-nine 
and  three  makes  forty-two — forty-two.  Gee !  " 

In  profound  silence  the  three  pancakes  passed 
regularly  from  the  plate  down  the  throat  of  little 
Smeed.  Forty-two  pancakes! 

"  Three  more,"  said  Smeed. 

Doc  Macnooder  rushed  in  hysterically. 

"  Hungry,  go  the  limit — the  limit !  If  anything 
happens  I'll  bleed  you." 

"Shut  up,  Doc!" 

"  Get  out,  you  wild  man." 

Macnooder  was  sent  ignominiously  back  into  the 
kitchen,  with  the  curses  of  the  Dickinson,  and  Smeed 
assured  of  their  unfaltering  protection. 

"  Three  more,"  came  the  cry  from  the  chastened 
Macnooder. 

"  Three  it  is,"  said  Hickey.  "  Forty-two  and 
three  makes — forty-five." 


I'll    stop  when     it's    time,'    said    Smeed  ; 
'  bring  'em  on  now,  one  at  a  time  ' 


THE   GREAT   PANCAKE   RECORD        53 

"  Holy  cats !  " 

Still  little  Smeed,  without  appreciable  abatement 
of  hunger,  continued  to  eat.  A  sense  of  impending 
calamity  and  alarm  began  to  spread.  Forty-five 
pancakes,  and  still  eating!  It  might  turn  into  a 
tragedy. 

"  Say,  bub — say,  now,"  said  Hickey,  gazing  anx 
iously  down  into  the  pointed  face,  "  you've  done 
enough — don't  get  rash." 

"  I'll  stop  when  it's  time,"  said  Smeed ;  "  bring 
'em  on  now,  one  at  a  time." 

"  Forty-six,  forty-seven,  forty-eight,  forty- 
nine!" 

Suddenly,  at  the  moment  when  they  expected 
him  to  go  on  forever,  little  Smeed  stopped,  gazed 
at  his  plate,  than  at  the  fiftieth  pancake,  and  said: 

"  That's  all." 

Forty-nine  pancakes!  Then,  and  only  then,  did 
they  return  to  a  realisation  of  what  had  happened. 
They  cheered  Smeed,  they  sang  his  praises,  they 
cheered  again,  and  then,  pounding  the  table,  they 
cried,  in  a  mighty  chorus: 

"We  want  pancakes!" 

"  Bring  us  pancakes ! " 

"  Pancakes,  pancakes,  we  want  pancakes !  " 


54  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

Twenty  minutes  later,  Red  Dog  and  the  Egghead, 
fed  to  bursting,  rolled  out  of  Conover's,  spreading 
the  uproarious  news. 

"  Free  pancakes !     Free  pancakes !  " 

The  nearest  houses,  the  Davis  and  the  Rouse, 
heard  and  came  with  a  rush. 

Red  Dog  and  the  Egghead  staggered  down  into 
the  village  and  over  to  the  circle  of  houses,  throw 
ing  out  their  arms  like  returning  bacchanalians. 

"Free  pancakes!" 

"  Hungry  Smeed's  broken  the  record ! " 

"  Pancakes   at   Conover's — free  pancakes ! " 

The  word  jumped  from  house  to  house,  the  cam 
pus  was  emptied  in  a  trice.  The  road  became  choked 
with  the  hungry  stream  that  struggled,  fought, 
laughed  and  shouted  as  it  stormed  to  Conover's. 

"  Free  pancakes !    Free  pancakes ! " 

"  Hurrah  for  Smeed ! " 

"  Hurrah  for  Hungry  Smeed ! ! " 


THE  RUN  THAT  TURNED  THE  GAME 

IN  this  same  fall  of  Hungry  Smeed's  arrival,  when 
the  Dickinson,  the  Cleve,  the  Woodhull,  the  Gris- 
wold,  the  Hamill,  the  Kennedy,  and  the  Davis,  were 
each  separately  convinced  that  the  faculty  was  seek 
ing  to  prevent  its  winning  the  football  championship, 
by  filling  the  house  with  boys  under  weight  and 
under  size,  there  arrived  at  the  Kennedy  the  now 
celebrated  "  Piggy  "  Moore.  He  did  not  come  on 
the  top  of  the  stage  as  new  boys  should,  but  drove  up 
in  a  carriage,  in  the  company  of  an  aunt,  who  de 
parted  with  misgivings,  after  kissing  him  in  the  full 
sight  of  the  campus. 

55 


56  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

For  she  had  raised  Piggy  on  the  bottle  of  gentle 
manners  and  rocked  him  in  the  cradle  of  innocent 
and  edifying  ambitions  until  the  manly  age  of  six 
teen.  His  hands  were  soft  and  manicured,  he  en 
tered  a  room  with  grace  and  left  it  with  distinction. 
His  body  was  swathed  in  plumpness.  His  face  was 
chubby  and  well  nourished,  with  fat,  indolent  eyes 
and  wide  nostrils.  He  was  five  feet  eight  and 
weighed  a  hundred  and  fifty. 

Without  embarrassment  or  anxiety  he  went  to  his 
room,  removed  his  coat,  folded  it  neatly  on  a  chair, 
turned  up  his  sleeves  and  proceeded  to  spread  on 
his  bureau  a  toilet-set  of  chaste  silver.  He  was 
neatly  arranging  eight  pairs  of  shoes,  carefully 
treed,  when  his  name  was  shouted  from  the  hall. 

"  Oh,  Moore !     Hello  there !  " 

He  emerged  hurriedly  to  find  Captain  Hasbrouck 
in  football  togs,  eyeing  him  critically  and  without 
enthusiasm. 

"  Football  practice,  Moore !  " 

"  It  will  take  me  an  hour  or  so,  I'm  afraid,"  said 
Moore,  smiling  politely,  "  that  is,  to  put  my  things 
in  order  and  get  thoroughly  unpacked." 

"Sir!" 

Piggy  was  surprised.     The  voice  was  harsh,  rude 


RUN  THAT  TURNED  THE  GAME   57 

and  ominous,  and  the  figure  of  Hasbrouck  quite 
obscured  the  doorway. 

"  Yes,  sir  !•"  he  said  hastily.  "  I'll  be  right  down, 
sir." 

"Have  you  got  any  football  togs?"  said  Has 
brouck,  looking  at  the  toilet  set. 

"No,  sir." 

"  A  sweater  ?  " 

"No,  sir." 

"  Well,  we  only  want  a  little  light  practice.  Get 
your  things  to-night  in  the  Tillage.  On  the  jump 
now!" 

Moore  hastily  trooped  down  with  the  others  and 
followed  across  the  long  green  stretches  in  the 
tingly  September  air,  a  little  apprehensive  of  what 
the  term  "  light  practice  "  might  mean.  The  vet 
erans  in  scarred  suits  and  rent  jerseys  marched 
gloriously  in  front,  gambolling  and  romping  with 
the  ball,  shouting  out  salutations  to  parties  who 
swarmed  over  the  campus  from  other  houses  on 
the  way  to  the  playgrounds.  The  newcomers  in 
hastily  patched-up  costumes,  incongruous  and  ab 
surd,  clustered  together  talking  in  broken,  forced 
monosyllables.  Suddenly  the  advance  halted  and  a 
shout  went  up. 


58  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

"  Here  come  the  Dickinsons.  Gee,  look  at  the 
material  they've  got ! " 

Piggy,  uncomprehending,  beheld  a  group  of  thirty- 
odd  boys  swinging  toward  them,  shouting  and  laugh 
ing  as  they  came.  From  the  advancing  crowd  came 
a  challenging  yell. 

"  We're  going  to  wipe  the  earth  up  with  you, 
Kennedy." 

"  Good-bye,  Kennedy.    Good-bye ! " 

From  the  Kennedys  the  challenge  was  flung  back: 

"  We've  got  you  where  we  want  you." 

"  You'll  be  easy,  Dickinson." 

"  We'll  attend  to  the   championship  this  year." 

The  two  crowds  halted  while  the  leaders  inspected 
their  antagonists,  sizing  up  the  new  material.  Moore, 
in  a  tailor-cut  suit  of  English  tweed,  a  stiff  collar 
and  a  derby  hat,  felt  for  the  first  time  a  little  out 
of  the  picture  when  Hickey  of  the  enemy  paused  in 
front  of  him  and  derisively  asked: 

"Where  did  that  come  from?" 

"  Oh,  that's  been  specially  raised  for  us." 
"He   has?      In   a   hothouse,   yes!      What'Il  %rf 
play?  " 

"  He'll  play  all  over  the  field.  He's  a  regular  de 
mon!" 


RUN  THAT  TURNED  THE  GAME   59 

"Huh!" 

"  We'll  twist  your  tail,  Dickinson." 

"  We'll  skin  you,  Kennedy." 

"Yes,  you  will!" 

"Yes,  we  will!" 

The  groups  departed,  each  vowing  that  it  was 
disheartening  the  way  the  faculty  had  favoured  the 
other. 

On  the  playground  "  Jock "  Hasbrouck  and 
"  Fire  Crackers  "  Glendenning  held  a  consultation 
while  the  old  boys  frolicked  with  the  ball  and  the 
new  arrivals  huddled  in  an  embarrassed  group. 

The  new  material  was  excellent,  beyond  expecta 
tion,  but  no  joy  appeared  on  the  face  of  the  cap 
tain. 

"  How  in  the  deuce  are  we  ever  going  to  beat  the 
Dickinsons  with  such  a  bunch  as  that  ? "  he  said, 
with  a  shake  of  his  head.  "  What  do  we  need  any 
how?" 

"  Both  ends,  a  tackle  and  the  halves,"  said  Fire 
Crackers,  gloomily. 

"  Well,  we've  got  to  do  our  best,  that's  all,"  said 
the  captain,  with  a  glance  that  made  every  newcomer 
miserable.  "  Let's  see  how  we  can  line  up.  Fatty 
Harris,  get  in  at  centre,  there.  Keg,  you'll  have 


60  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

to  go  in  at  right  guard.  Buffalo,  you  stay  at 
left." 

The  old  boys,  brawny  and  hard,  formed  into  a 
centre  trio. 

"  If  you  take  left  tackle  we'd  better  put  Walsh 
in  at  right  to  face  Turkey,"  said  Fire  Crackers. 
"  Legs  Brockett,  there,  plays  end,  he  says." 

Walsh  and  Brockett,  eyes  to  the  ground,  took 
their  places  in  the  line  at  a  nod  from  "  Jock." 

"  Duke  Wilson,  full ;  Fire  Crackers,  quarter. 
What  then?  "  he  said  slowly  to  his  counsel.  "Sup 
pose  we  give  Pebbles  Stone  a  chance  at  half  this 
year?  " 

"What  do  you  weigh,  Pebbles?"  asked  Fire 
Crackers. 

"  One  hundred  and  forty-five,"  brazenly  answered 
the  lithe,  but  rather  frail  person  addressed. 

"Honest?" 

"  Honest  to  God,  Jock." 

"  Stripped?  " 

"  No — o-o.    With  ten  pounds  in  me  pockets." 

"  Well,  get  in  there,  you  old  liar,  you've  got  the 
sand  all  right." 

Pebbles,  with  a  delighted  whoop,  sprang  into 
line.  Then  Fire  Crackers  and  Jock  stopped  before 


RUN   THAT   TURNED   THE    GAME      61 

a  trim,  cleanly-built  boy  with  a  suit  that  looked 
worthy. 

"  You're  Francis,  ain't  you?  " 

"  Yes,  sir." 

"Played  half?" 

"  Yes,  sir." 

"What  do  you  weigh?  " 

"  One  hundred  and  fifty,  stripped,  sir." 

"  Take  right  half." 

Francis,  quickly,  but  with  an  air  of  ease,  took 
his  place.  Only  one  position  remained  vacant,  left 
end.  Hasbrouck  glanced  over  the  squad  of  slight, 
overgrown  boys,  and  his  eye  by  a  process  of  elim 
ination,  rested  on  Moore,  standing  stiff  and  immac 
ulate. 

"  Moore,  get  in  to  right  end." 

"  Me  ?  "  said  Moore  in  horror. 

"Sir!" 

"  Sir." 

"Quick!" 

"  But  I — I've  never  played,  sir ! " 

"  Get  into  line !  " 

Piggy  went  sullenly,  indignant  and  cherishing  re 
sistance.  Hasbrouck  gave  a  professionally  pessimis 
tic  glance  at  the  whole  and  said: 


62  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

"  Well,  fellows,  we'll  only  take  a  little  light  prac 
tice  to-day.  Try  a  few  starts." 

The  candidates  in  threes  and  fours  crouched  on  a 
designated  line,  dug  their  toes  in  the  sod  and  raced 
forward  at  the  clap  of  a  hand,  for  a  good  fifteen 
yards. 

"  Take  your  place,  Moore,"  said  Jock  finally. 
"  Dig  down  and  get  off  with  a  jump." 

Piggy,  embarrassed  by  the  stiffness  of  his  collar 
and  the  difficulty  of  retaining  his  derby  without  loss 
of  dignity,  made  a  lumbering  attempt. 

"  Try  again.  You're  not  racing  a  baby  buggy ! 
Get  back  on  your  marks,"  said  Hasbrouck,  and  mov 
ing  to  a  position  directly  behind  him,  he  thundered : 
"  Now,  one — two — three!  " 

A  stinging  hand  descended  upon  the  crouching 
Piggy,  who  leaped  forward  in  indignant  amazement. 

"  That  helped,"  said  Jock,  with  an  approving  nod. 
"  Once  more." 

Piggy,  red  to  the  ears,  a  second  time  was  forced 
to  humble  himself  and  receive  the  indignity  of  such 
propulsion. 

"Here,  Piggy,  catch!" 

Moore  had  just  time  to  spin  around,  when  a  foot 
ball  vigorously  thrown,  smote  him  full  in  the  stomach. 


'A  stinging  hand  descended  upon  the  crouch 
ing  Piggy  " 


RUN  THAT  TURNED  THE  GAME   65 

"  Oh,  butter-fingers !  " 

"  Clumsy !  " 

"  Get  your  arms  in  to  it !  " 

"Now!" 

Warned  by  a  chorus  of  instructions  Moore  strove 
a  dozen  times  to  retain  the  tantalising  spinning  oval, 
which  constantly  slipped  his  grasp  with  a  smart 
reminder  as  it  bounded  away. 

"  My  boy,  your  education  has  been  neglected," 
said  Jock  in  disgust.  "  At  least  try  and  learn  how 
to  fall  on  the  ball.  Watch." 

Rolling  the  pigskin  in  front  of  him,  he  dove  for 
it,  pouncing  on  it  as  a  beagle  on  a  rabbit. 

"  Now,  Piggy,  let  her  go ! " 

Moore,  who  loved  his  tailor-suit  with  the  pride 
and  affection  which  a  father  bestows  only  on  the  first- 
(born,  desperately  essayed  to  secure  the  pigskin  with 
the  minimum  of  danger  possible. 

A  shriek  of  derision  burst  forth. 

"  No,  my  dear  Miss  Moore,  I  did  not  ask  you  to 
lie  down  and  pillow  your  head  upon  it,"  said  Jock 
in  disgust.  "  That  is  not  what  is  -called  falling  on 
the  ball.  Go  at  it  like  a  demon ;  chew  it  up,  mangle 
it!  Here,  Morning  Glory,"  he  added,  turning  to 
a  scrubby  little  urchin  who  was  gambolling  about, 


66  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

"  take  this  young  lady  and  show  her  how  it's 
done." 

To  Piggy's  culminating  mortification,  the  diminu 
tive  Morning  Glory,  with  a  contemptuous  sneer,  be 
gan  to  instruct  him  in  the  new  art,  with  a  rattling 
fire  of  insults  which  drew  shrieks  of  laughter  from 
the  squad. 

"  Now  then,  old  ice-wagon — get  your  nose  in  it." 

"  Don't  spare  the  daisies,  dearest." 

"  Jump,  you  Indian,  jump !  " 

"  Ah,  watch  me — like  this." 

The  urchin  hurled  himself  viciously  on  the  ball, 
ploughing  up  the  soft  turf,  and  bounding  gloriously 
to  his  feet,  with  scornful,  mud-stained  face,  cried: 

"Ah,  what're  you  afraid  of!  Now  then,  old 
house-boat ! " 

Piggy's  collar  clung  limply  to  his  neck,  half  the 
buttons  of  his  coat  had  gone,  streaks  of  yellow  and 
green  decorated  the  suit  a  custom  tailor  had  fash 
ioned  for  fifty  dollars  cash,  but  still  he  was  forced 
to  go  tumbling  after  the  ball,  down  and  up,  up  and 
down,  head  over  heels,  at  the  staccato  shriek  of  the 
Morning  Glory,  like  the  one  dog  in  the  show  who 
circles  about  the  stage,  tumbling  somersaults. 

"  That's  enough  for  to-day,"  came  at  last  Jock's 


RUN  THAT  TURNED  THE  GAME   67 

welcome  command.  "  We  must  begin  easily.  To 
morrow  we'll  get  into  it.  Practice  over!  Moore, 
jog  around  the  circle  six  times  and  cut  out  pastry  at 


supper." 


During  the  dinner  a  great  light  dawned  over 
Moore,  as  he  sat  silently  investigating  his  new  mas 
ters  with  sidelong,  calculated  glances.  He  went  to 
his  room  and  with  one  sweep  eliminated  the  solid 
silver  toilet  set,  removed  the  trees  from  his  boots, 
packed  away  the  pink  embroidered  bedroom  slippers 
so  neatly  arranged  under  the  bed  and  pruned  solicit 
ously  among  the  gorgeous  cravats.  Then  he  went 
to  the  village  and,  un<Jer  skilful  prompting,  bought 
a  pair  of  corduroy  trousers,  a  cap,  a  red-and-black 
jersey,  the  softest  pair  of  football  trousers  in  stock, 
a  jersey  padded  at  the  elbows  and  shoulders,  a 
sweater,  a  pair  of  heavy  shoes,  a  nose  protector,  and 
a  pair  of  shin-guards.  Incased  in  every  possible 
protection  he  reported  next  day  for  the  dreadful  or 
deal  of  tackling  and  being  tackled. 

"  So  you've  all  got  your  togs,"  said  Fire  Crackers, 
surveying  the  squad  of  freshmen  on  the  field.  "  Let's 
see  how  you  made  out." 

With  Keg  Smith  and  Jock,  he  passed  them  over 


68  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

in  inspection,  punching  and  poking  the  new  suits 
with  brief  interjections,  until  Moore  was  reached. 
Before  that  swollen  figure  the  three  halted  in  mock 
amazement. 

"  Who's  this  ?  "  said  Keg,  with  a  blank  face. 

"  It's  Moore,  sir,"  said  Piggy  innocently. 

"  What's  happened  to  you  ? "  continued  Fire 
Crackers  with  great  seriousness. 

Moore,  perceiving  he  had  blundered  again,  grew 
red  with  mortification,  while  Fire  Crackers  stripped 
the  sweater  from  him  and  examined  the  jersey. 

"  Say,  just  see  what  Bill  sold  him! "  he  exclaimed. 
"  Isn't  it  a  shame  how  he'll  impose  on  the  green 
ones?  Look  at  that  bedticking!  And  those  pads! 
Gee,  I'll  fix  that!" 

Before  Moore  could  protest,  Fire  Crackers  had 
ripped  off  the  protections  and  flung  them  away. 

"  Now  you'll  feel  easier,"  he  said  with  a  friendly 
smile.  "  Bill  Appleby  is  an  infernal  old  swindler : 
selling  you  shin-guards  and  a  nose-protector!  Huh! 
Throw  'em  away." 

"  Thank  you,  sir,"  said  Moore  gratefully,  "  I'll 
make  him  take  them  back." 

"  That's  right,"  said  his  inquisitor  with  a  queer 
nod,  "you're  pretty  green  at  this,  aren't  you?" 


RUN   THAT   TURNED   THE   GAME      69 

"  I  have  never  done  much,  sir." 

"  Well,  let  me  give  you  a  pointer ;  when  you  tackle, 
you  want  to  grit  your  teeth  and  slam  down  hard, 
then  you  don't  feel  it  at  all." 

"  Thank  you,  sir." 

"  And  when  you're  tackled,"  continued  Fire 
Crackers  with  perfect  seriousness,  "  just  let  your 
self  go  limp;  then  you  can't  break  any  bones — 
see?" 

"Yes,  sir." 

"  You  like  the  game,  don't  you?  " 

"  Oh,  very  much." 

Fire  Crackers'  advice  did  him  scant  good.  On  the 
whole  it  was  probably  the  most  painful  afternoon  he 
had  ever  known  in  his  life.  He  had  no  instinct  for 
tackling,  that  was  certain.  His  arms  slipped,  his 
hands  could  not  fasten  to  anything  and  he  accom 
plished  nothing  more  than  to  go  sprawling,  face 
downward. 

"  Funny  you  don't  get  on  to  that,"  said  Jock, 
shaking  his  head.  "  I  tell  you  what  you  do.  Run 
down  the  line  and  take  a  few  tackles ;  then  you'll  see 
how  it's  done." 

Moore  stood  balancing,  looking  down  to  where 
Jock's  one  hundred  and  sixty-five  pounds  were  gath' 


70  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

ering  for  a  model  tackle.  Every  natural  instinct  in 
him  bade  him  turn  tail  and  run. 

"  Come  on  now ! "  cried  Jock,  spitting  on  his 
hands.  "  Hard  as  you  can." 

Piggy  went  as  a  horse  goes  to  a  road-crusher, 
faltering  and  finally  stopping  dead.  The  next  mo 
ment,  Jock,  cleaving  the  air  in  a  perfect  dive,  caught 
him  about  the  knees  and  threw  him  crashing  to  the 
ground.  Piggy  rose  with  difficulty. 

"  Do  you  get  it  now  ?  "  said  Jock  solicitously. 

"  I  think  I  do,"  said  Moore  faintly. 

"  Well  now,  try  one  on  me,"  said  Jock,  brighten 
ing.  "  Put  your  shoulder  into  it  and  squeeze  it. 
Remember  now." 

Piggy  remembered  only  the  sensation  of  being 
tackled,  and  with  the  thought  of  that  greater  evil, 
improved  astonishingly. 

"  That's  the  way  to  learn,"  said  Jock  approv 
ingly.  "  Now,  notice  how  I  pull  your  legs  from  un 
der  you,  and  try  to  get  that." 

That  evening  after  supper,  Moore  valiantly  de 
termined  to  take  the  bull  by  the  horns.  Seizing  a 
favourable  opportunity,  he  accosted  his  captain  with 
the  resolution  of  despair,  and  told  him  point  blank 
that  he  would  not  be  eligible  for  the  team. 


RUN  THAT  TURNED  THE  GAME   71 

"  Why  not?  "  said  Jock  aggressively. 

"  I  don't  know  anything  about  the  game,  sir," 
said  Moore  defiantly,  "  and  I  don't  like  it." 

"  Is  that  the  only  reason?  " 

"  I  don't  want  to  play,  sir — that  ought  to  be 
enough." 

"  We're  not  asJcmg  you  what  you  want  to  do." 

"  But,  sir,  I  don't  like  it,"  said  Moore,  beginning 
to  shrink  under  the  cold,  boring  gaze  of  Hasbrouck. 

"  That  has  nothing  to  do  with  it,  either." 

"  Nothing " 

"  Certainly  not.  We  don't  want  you ;  in  fact,  we're 
crying  because  we've  got  to  take  you.  You're  a  flub 
dub  and  a  quitter.  But  there's  no  one  else,  and  so, 
Piggy,  mark  you — we're  going  to  make  a  demon  out 
of  you,  a  regular  demon.  Mark  my  words !  " 

All  of  which  was  accomplished  easily  and  naturally 
within  a  short  two  weeks  by  the  discipline  and  tra 
dition  which  has  put  courage  into  the  hearts  of  gen 
erations  of  natural  cowards. 

The  crisis  came  in  the  first  game  of  the  series; 
when  for  the  first  time,  Piggy  beheld  the  terrifying 
spectacle  of  an  end  run  started  in  his  direction.  At 
the  sight  of  the  solid  front  of  bone  and  muscle  ready 
to  sweep  him  off  his  feet  and  send  him  tumbling  head 


72  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

over  heels,  he  shut  his  eyes  and  funked  deliberately 
and  ingloriously. 

The  next  moment  Jock  had  him  by  the  small  of 
the  neck;  Jock's  hand  jerked  him  to  his  feet  and 
Jock's  voice  cried: 

"You  cowardly  little  pup!  You  do  that  again 
and  I'll  tear  the  hide  off  you !  " 

Piggy,  chilled  to  the  bone,  went  to  his  position. 
The  opposing  team,  with  a  shout  of  exultation,  sent 
the  same  play  crashing  in  his  direction.  Piggy, 
desperate  with  fear,  tore  through  the  advancing 
mass,  found  the  runner  and  hurled  him  to  the  ground. 
Jock  smiled  contentedly.  Moore  was  a  coward,  he 
knew,  but  from  that  time  forth,  no  passing  menace 
before  him  could  comuare  with  the  abiding  terror 
that  waited  behind. 

Had  Moore  been  possessed  of  even  moderate 
courage  the  task  would  have  been  difficult,  for  then 
it  would  have  resolved  itself  into  a  mere  question  of 
natural  ability.  But  being  an  arrant  and  utter 
coward,  his  very  cowardice  drove  him  into  feats  of 
desperate  recklessness.  For  always,  in  lull  or  storm, 
in  the  confusion  of  the  melee  or  the  open  scramble 
down  the  field  to  cover  a  punt,  Moore  felt  the  om- 


RUN  THAT  TURNED  THE  GAME   73 

inous  presence  of  Hasbrouck  just  at  his  shoul 
der  and  heard  the  sharp  and  threatening  cry : 

"  Get  that  man,  you,  Piggy !  " 

So  blindly  and  rebelliously  he  served  the  tyrant, 
and  unwilling  and  revolting  learned  to  despise  fear, 
little  suspecting  how  many  reckless  spirits  of  other 
teams  had  been  formed  under  the  same  rude  dis 
cipline. 

The  earlier  contests  developed  the  strength  of  the 
two  long-time  rivals,  the  Kennedy  and  the  Dickinson, 
between  whom  aft  last  lay  the  question  of  supremacy. 
The  last  week  approached  with  excitement  at  fierce 
heat.  Every  day  a  fresh  rumour  was  served  up; 
Hickey,  the  wily  Dickinson  quarter,  had  a  weak 
ankle;  Turkey,  the  captain,  was  behind  in  his 
studies ;  a  Princeton  'varsity  man  was  over,  coaching 
the  enemy;  the  signals  were  discovered  and  a  dozen 
trick  plays  were  being  held  in  reserve,  each  good 
for  a  touchdown. 

Each  night  on  the  Kennedy  steps,  the  council  of 
war  convened  and  plans  were  discussed  in  utter  grav 
ity  for  temporarily  crippling  and  eliminating  from 
the  contest  Turkey,  Slugger-Jones,  Hickey  and  the 
Butcher.  For,  of  course,  it  was  conceded  that  Jock, 
Tom  Walsh  and  Fire  Crackers  would  probably  be 


74  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

maimed  for  life  by  the  brutal  and  unscrupulous 
enemy. 

Piggy,  whose  critical  sense  of  humour  had  been  un 
der  early  disadvantages,  took  this  as  exact  truth 
and  beheld  the  horrible  day  arrive  with  an  absolute 
conviction  that  it  would  be  his  last.  He  did  not 
sleep  during  the  night ;  he  could  eat  nothing  during 
the  day;  his  fingers  trembled  and  snarled  up  the 
lacings  as  he  forced  himself  into  his  football  clothes. 
Then  he  stood  a  long  moment,  viewing  his  white  face 
in  the  mirror — the  last  look,  perhaps — and  went 
weakly  to  join  the  squad  below.  He  heard  nothing 
of  the  magnificent  address  of  Jock  to  his  followers; 
one  idea  only  was  in  his  head :  to  sell  his  life  as  dearly 
as  possible. 

While  the  captains  conferred  and  tossed  for  po 
sition,  the  two  teams,  face  to  face  at  last,  paced  up 
and  down,  eyeing  each  other  with  contempt,  breath 
ing  forth  furious  threats. 

The  Egghead  assured  Fatty  Harris  that  the 
first  scrimmage  would  be  his  last.  Fatty  Harris  re 
turned  the  compliment  and  suggested  that  the  Egg 
head  leave  a  memorandum  for  the  hearse.  The 
Coffee  Cooler  looked  Buffalo  Brown  over  and  sneered ; 


RUN    THAT    TURNED    THE    GAME      75 

Keg  Smith  did  as  much  to  the  Butcher  and  laughed. 
The  diminutive  Spider  at  right  end,  approached  his 
dear  friend  Legs  Brockett,  his  opponent,  and  mut 
tered  through  his  teeth: 

"  I'm  going  to  slug  you ! " 

While  these  friendly  salutations  were  taking  place, 
Flea  Obie  and  Wash  Simmons,  the  Dickinson  halves, 
approached  Piggy,  who,  sick  at  heart,  was  stamp 
ing  his  feet  and  churning  his  arms  to  convey  to  Red 
Dog,  opposite,  the  impression  that  he  was  thirsting 
for  his  blood. 

Wash  gave  Piggy  one  withering  glance  and  said 
loudly  to  the  Red  Dog: 

"  This  fellow's  a  quitter.  He's  got  yellow  in  his 
eyes.  Smash  him  good  and  hard,  Red  Dog.  Don't 
waste  any  time  about  it,  either." 

"  He's  got  a  chicken  liver,"  said  Red  Dog,  who 
looked  a  reed  beside  the  sturdy  Piggy.  "  He  shuts 
his  eyes  when  he  tackles !  I'll  fix  him.  Huh !  " 

"  Ah,  go  on  now,  go  on,  go  on,"  said  Piggy,  with 
a  desperate  attempt  at  lightheartedness. 

Flea  Obie,  lovely  no  longer  in  mud-stained  jacket 
and  pirate  band  around  his  forehead,  strode  up  to 
Piggy  and  added: 


76  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

"  Old  Sport,  let  me  give  you  a  word  of  advice. 
When  we  strike  your  end,  the  best  thing  you  can  do 
is  to  lie  down  quick  and  soft.  Savez?  " 

Luckily  for  Piggy,  whose  imagination  was  panic- 
driven  by  this  perfectly  innocuous  braggadocio,  the 
torrent  of  conversation  was  checked  by  a  cry  of 
exultation. 

The  Kennedy  had  won  the  toss  and  chose  the  kick- 
off.  Bat  Finney,  umpire  from  the  Fourth  Form, 
called  the  two  teams  together  and  said  solemnly: 

"  Now  I  want  it  understood  by  you  fellows  this  is 
going  to  be  a  gentleman's  game.  No  roughing  it, 
no  slugging,  nothing  bru-tal.  Take  your  sides." 

Immediately  the  air  resounded  with  war  cries: 

"  Get  in  there,  Dickinson." 

"  Chew  'em  up,  Kennedy." 

"  Hit  'em  hard,  Buffalo." 

"  Sock  'em,  Turkey." 

"  Knock  'em  out,  boys !  " 

Piggy,  at  left  end  with  his  eye  on  the  ball,  waited 
hopelessly  for  Jock  to  send  the  oval  spinning  into 
Dickinson  territory.  He  was  shivering,  in  a  dead 
funk.  The  whistle  blew,  the  run  was  on.  Piggy  went 
perfunctorily,  helplessly  down  the  field  to  where  the 
dreaded  Hickey,  ball  under  arm,  was  dodging 


RUN   THAT    TURNED    THE    GAME      77 

toward  him.  Suddenly  the  vigorous  form  of  Wash 
Simmons  hove  into  view,  headed  directly  for  him. 
He  wavered  and  the  next  moment  was  knocked  off  his 
feet,  while  Hickey,  the  way  thus  cleared  for  him, 
went  bounding  back  for  a  run  of  forty  yards. 

Meanwhile  Piggy  was  in  the  hands  of  Jock,  who 
administered  to  him  before  the  eyes  of  every  spec 
tator,  a  humiliating  and  well-placed  kick. 

"  You  funked,  I  saw  you  funk,  you  miserable 
shivery  little  coward ! "  he  cried,  shaking  his  fist  in 
his  face.  "  You  jump  in  there  now  and  cripple  a 
few  of  those  fellows  or  I'll  massacre  you!" 

He  added  a  few  words  which  shall  remain  sacred 
between  them  and  shoved  him  into  place.  The  old 
fear  awoke  triumphant  in  Piggy.  He  rushed  in  like 
a  demon,  whirling  over  the  field,  upsetting  play  after 
play,  making  tackles  that  brought  Flea  Obie  and 
Wash  Simmons  to  their  feet  rubbing  their  sides. 
Nothing  could  stop  him,  for  at  last  he  was  panic- 
stricken,  utterly  and  horribly  afraid. 

The  two  teams,  evenly  matched,  fought  each  other 
to  a  standstill.  The  first  half  closed  without  any 
perceptible  advantage.  The  second  half  continued 
the  deadlock,  the  precious  minutes  slipping  away. 
Such  a  struggle  had  never  been  known  in  a  House 


78  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

contest.  Several  eyes  were  closed,  several  bandages 
had  appeared.  The  frenzy  of  battle  had  taken  pos 
session  of  the  descendants  of  Goth  and  Viking. 
Challenges  to  future  encounters  were  flung  recklessly 
and  recklessly  accepted.  After  each  melee  little 
clusters  of  battling  boyhood  were  disentangled  with 
difficulty,  while  Bat  Finney,  the  umpire,  joyfully 
proclaimed : 

"  No  roughing  it,  fellows — remember,  this  is  a 
gentleman's  game." 

The  dusk  began  to  cloud  the  field  and  the  players, 
one  of  those  tragic,  melancholy  mists  that  come  only 
at  the  close  of  a  desperate  second  half.  Two  minutes 
only  to  play  and  the  ball  in  the  Kennedy's  possession, 
exactly  at  midfield,  without  a  score. 

"  6-5-8-15-2-3 ! "  shrieked  Fire  Crackers,  grimy 
and  unrecognisable. 

The  team,  converging  swiftly  for  a  revolving  mass 
play  on  tackle,  strove  wearily  to  make  headway 
against  the  reeling  Dickinsons,  who,  too  fagged  to 
upset  the  play,  could  only  hold,  surging  and  twisting. 
Piggy,  scrambling  and  pushing,  head  down  in  the 
melee,  whirled  and  spun  with  the  revolving  mass. 
Then  his  feet  tripped  and  he  went  underneath,  shield 
ing  his  head  from  the  vortex  of  legs  that  swirled 


RUN  THAT   TURNED    THE   GAME      79 

above  him.  Suddenly,  lying  free,  a  scant  five  yards 
in  front  of  him,  he  perceived,  to  his  horror,  the 
precious  ball!  With  a  lurch,  he  freed  himself  from 
the  mass,  scrambled  to  his  feet,  picked  up  the  ball 
and  set  out,  break-a-neck,  for  the  far-away  goal. 
Five  yards  behind  was  Hickey,  the  fleet  quarter, 
bounding  after  him. 

In  a  twinkling  the  whole  scene  had  changed  into 
the  extraordinary  spectacle  of  a  stern  chase,  two 
figures  well  in  front,  striving  for  the  mastery  of  the 
fates,  and  behind  the  futile,  scrambling,  exulting,  or 
desperate  mass  of  players,  sweeping  helplessly  on 
the  tracks  of  destiny. 

Forty  yards  to  the  interminable  goal!  Piggy  re 
membered  with  dread  the  stories  of  Hickey's  fleetness. 
He  glanced  back.  His  pursuer  had  not  gained  an 
inch.  On  the  contrary,  his  freckled  face  was  dis 
torted,  his  arms  were  churning,  his  teeth  were  hor 
ribly  displayed,  biting  at  the  stinging  air,  with  the 
agony  of  the  effort  to  increase  his  speed.  So  he 
was  beating  out  Hickey,  the  famous  Hickey!  Then 
the  touchdown  was  a  fact!  Above  the  uproar  he 
heard  a  strident  shriek: 

"Piggy,  oh,  you  damned  Piggy!" 

The  terror  of  that  familiar  voice  gave  a  new  im- 


80  THE   PRODIGIOUS  HICKEY 

petus  to  his  chubby  legs.  Some  one  else  must  be 
gaining  on  him.  Thirty  yards  still  to  go ! 

He  ran  and  ran,  hugging  the  ball  in  his  arms,  his 
head  thrown  back,  gasping  for  breath.  Twenty 
yards  —  fifteen  yards !  Suddenly  swift,  glorious 
visions  rose  before  him,  scenes  of  jubilation  and  ex 
ultation,  of  cheering  comrades,  celebrations  that 
would  wipe  out  the  long  record  of  humiliation. 
Hickey  was  closer  now,  but  Piggy  did  not  dare  to 
turn  his  head ;  five  yards  more  and  the  game  would  be 
over  and  the  kingdom  of  the  Kennedy  in  his  grasp. 
He  sped  over  the  last  white  chalk  line  and  dropped 
triumphant  behind  the  goal  posts.  The  next  mo 
ment,  Hickey,  wily  Hickey,  screaming  with  laughter, 
flung  himself  on  him. 

Piggy  gazed  about  wildly  with  a  sudden  horrible 
suspicion.  He  had  run  over  his  own  goal  line  and 
scored  a  safety  for  the  Dickinson. 

Then  Hasbrouck  arrived. 


THE    FUTURE    PRESIDENT 


"  SNOEKY  "  GREEN,  at  the  fourth  desk  of  the  middle 
aisle,  gazed  dreamily  at  the  forgotten  pages  of  the' 
divine  Virgil.  The  wide  windows  let  in  the  warm 
breath  of  June  meadows  and  the  tiny  sounds  of  con 
tented  insects  roaming  in  unhuman  liberty.  Outside 
were  soft  banks  to  loll  upon,  from  which  to  watch  the 
baseball  candidates  gambolling  over  the  neat  dia 
mond,  tennis  courts  calling  to  be  played  upon,  and 
the  friendly  "  j  igger  "  ready  to  soothe  the  parched 
highway  to  the  aching  void.  And  for  an  hour  the 
tugging  souls  of  forty-two  imprisoned  little  pagans 
would  have  to  construe,  and  parse,  and  decline,  se- 

81 


82  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

cretly  cursing  the  fossils  who  rediscovered  those  un 
necessary  Latin  documents. 

Eight  rows  of  desks,  nine  deep,  were  swept  by  the 
Argus  eye  of  the  master  from  his  raised  pulpit. 
Around  the  room,  immense  vacant  blackboards  shut 
them  in — dark,  hopeless  walls  over  which  no  convict 
might  clamber,  on  which  a  thousand  boys  had  blun 
dered  and  guessed  and  writ  in  water. 

Lucius  Cassius  Hopkins,  "  The  Roman,"  man  of 
heroic  and  consular  mould,  flunker  of  boys,  and  de 
viser  of  systems  against  which  even  the  ingenuity 
of  a  Hickey  hurled  itself  in  vain,  sat  on  the  rostrum, 
pitilessly  mowing  down  the  unresisting  ranks. 

Snorky's  tousled  hair  was  more  rumpled  than  ever, 
a  smudge  was  on  one  cheek,  where  his  grimy,  ball- 
stained  hand  had  unknowingly  left  its  mark.  He 
was  dirty,  bored,  and  unprepared.  The  dickey  at 
his  throat,  formed  by  the  junction  of  a  collar  and 
two  joined  cuffs,  saved  the  proprieties  and  allowed 
the  body  to  keep  cool.  But  the  spirit  of  dreams  was 
upon  Snorky,  and  the  hard,  rectangular  room  began 
to  recede. 

He  heard  indistinctly  the  low,  mocking  rumble  of 
the  Roman  as  his  scythe  passed  down  the  rows. 

"  Anything  from  the  Simpson  twins  to-day?    No, 


THE   FUTURE   PRESIDENT  82 

no?  Anything  from  the  Davis  House  combination? 
Too  bad!  too  bad!  Nothing  from  the  illuminating 
Hicks  ?  Yes  ?  No  ?  Too  bad !  too  bad !  " 

Snorky  did  not  hear  him;  his  eyes  were  on  the 
firm  torsos  of  Flash  Condit  and  Charley  De  Soto 
before  him — Condit,  wonder  of  the  football  field, 
hero  of  the  touchdown  against  the  Princeton  'varsity, 
and  De  Soto  the  phenomenal  shortstop,  both 
Olympian  spirits  doomed  to  endure  the  barbed  shafts 
of  Lucius  Cassius  Hopkins. 

He,  too, — Snorky, — would  go  down  in  the  an 
nals  of  school  history.  He  remembered  the  be 
ginning  of  an  out-curve  he  had  developed  that 
morning  in  the  lot  back  of  the  Woodhull — a 
genuine  out-curve,  Ginger  Pop  Rooker  to  the  con 
trary,  notwithstanding.  With  a  little  practice  he 
would  master  the  perplexing  in-curve  and  the  drop. 
And  the  Woodhull  needed  a  pitcher  badly. 
McCarthy  had  no  courage;  the  Dickinson  would 
batter  him  all  over  the  field  in  the  afternoon's  game, 
and  then  good-bye  to  the  championship.  In  his  mind 
he  began  the  game,  trotting  hopelessly  out  into  left 
field.  He  saw  Hickey,  first  up  for  the  Dickinson, 
get  a  base  on  balls — four  wide  ones  in  succession. 
Slugger  Jones,  four  balls — heavens,  to  be  beaten  like 


84  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

that!  Turkey  Reiter,  third  man  up,  hit  a  two-bag 
ger;  two  runs.  Doc  Macnooder  knocked  the  first 
ball  pitched  for  a  clean  single ;  a  two-bagger  for  the 
Egghead!  Again  four  balls  for  Butcher  Stevens! 
The  Red  Dog,  of  all  people  in  the  world,  to  hit 
safely!  And  still  they  allowed  the  slaughter  to  go 
on!  The  Dickinson  House  was  shrieking  with  joy, 
dancing  war-dances,  back  of  third,  and  singing  de 
risive  songs  of  triumph.  Flea  Obie  went  to  first 
on  another  base  on  balls,  filling  the  bases.  And 
five  runs  over  the  plate !  Hickey  and  Turkey  on  the 
line  began  to  dance  a  cake-walk.  From  the  uproar 
ious  Dickinsonians  rose  the  humiliating  wail : 

"  We're  on  to  his  curves,  we're  on  to  his  curves ; 
Long-legged  McCarthy  has  lost  his  nerves." 

McCarthy  had  lost  his  nerves.  Five  runs,  the  bases 
full,  and  "  Wash  "  Simmons,  the  Dickinson  pitcher, 
to  the  bat.  The  infield,  badly  rattled,  played  in  to 
catch  the  runner  at  home  in  approved  professional 
style.  Snorky  stole  in  closer  and  closer  until  he  was 
almost  back  of  shortstop.  Simmons  he  knew  couldn't 
send  it  out  of  the  diamond.  But  Wash  knocked  what 
looked  to  be  a  clean  single,  clear  over  the  heads  of 
the  near  infield.  That  was  what  he  had  been  waiting 


THE   FUTURE   PRESIDENT  85 

for ;  on  the  full  run  he  made  a  desperate  dive,  caught 
the  ball  one-handed,  close  to  the  ground,  turned  a 
somersault,  scrambled  to  second  base,  and  shot  the 
ball  to  first  before  the  runner  could  even  check  him 
self! 

Nothing  like  it  had  ever  been  seen  in  Lawrenceville. 
Even  the  Dickinsons  generously  applauded  him  as 
he  came  up  happy  and  flushed. 

"  Snorky,  that's  the  greatest  play  I  ever  saw 
pulled  off.  I  wish  I  had  made  it  myself." 

He  looked  up.  The  speaker  was  the  dashing  De 
Soto.  That  from  Charley,  the  greatest  ball-player 
who  ever  came  to  Lawrenceville!  Snorky's  throat 
swelled  with  emotion.  At  last  they  knew  his  worth. 

One  run  for  the  Woodhull.  Again  the  Dickinsons 
to  the  bat,  and  again  the  rout ;  one  single,  a  base  on 
balls,  two  bases  on  balls — oh,  if  he  only  would  get  his 
chance !  One  ball,  two  balls,  three  balls.  Suddenly 
McCarthy  stopped  and  clutched  his  arm  with  an  ex 
clamation  of  pain.  The  team  gathered  about  him. 
Snorky  sniffed  in  disdain;  he  knew  that  trick,  pre 
tending  it  was  all  on  account  of  his  arm !  What  a 
quitter  McCarthy  was,  after  all !  Still,  what  was  to 
be  done?  The  team  gathered  in  grave  discussion. 
No  one  else  had  ever  pitched. 


86  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

"  Give  me  a  chance,"  he  said  suddenly  to  "  Rock  " 
Bemis,  the  captain. 

"  You ! "  said  Rock,  with  a  laugh ;  "  you, 
Snorky !  "_ 

"  Look  at  me !  I  can  do  it,"  he  answered,  and 
met  the  other's  glare  with  steady  look  as  heroes 
do.  Something  of  the  fire  in  that  look  convinced 
Bemis. 

"Why  not?"  he  said.  "The  game's  gone,  any 
how.  Go  into  the  box,  Snorky,  and  put  them  over  if 
you  can." 

The  teams  lined  up.  With  clenched  teeth  and  a 
cold  streak  down  his  spine  he  strode  into  the  box. 
An  insulting  yelp  went  up  from  the  enemy. 

Three  balls,  no  strikes,  and  the  bases  full !  Turkey 
at  the  plate  stepped  back  scornfully  to  wait  for  the 
fourth  ball. 

"Strike  one!" 

Turkey  advanced  to  the  utmost  limit  of  the  bat 
ter's  box,  turned  his  back  deliberately  on  Snorky,  and 
called  out : 

"  You  hit  me,  and  I'll  break  your  neck ! " 

"  Strike  two ! " 

Turkey  turned  in  surprise,  looked  at  him,  and  de 
liberated. 


THE   FUTURE   PRESIDENT  87 

"  He  can't  put  it  over,"  yelled  the  gallery.     "  Yi, 

Then  Turkey  seated  himself  Indian  fashion,  his 
back  still  to  Snorky,  and  gazed  up  into  the  face  of 
"  Tug  "  Moff at,  the  catcher.  A  furious  wrangle 
ensued,  the  Woodhull  claiming  that  his  position  was 
illegal,  the  Dickinson  insisting  that  nothing  in  the 
rules  prohibited  it.  "  Stonewall "  Jackson,  the  um 
pire,  a  weak-minded  fellow  from  the  Rouse  House, 
allowed  the  play. 

"Strike  three!" 

Turkey,  crestfallen  and  'muttering,  arose  and 
dusted  himself  amid  the  jeers  of  the  onlookers.  Doc 
Macnooder  smote  high  and  low,  and  then  forgot  to 
smite — three  strikes  and  out.  The  Egghead,  despite 
the  entreaties  of  the  Dickinson  to  bring  in  his  house 
mates,  could  only  foul  out.  The  Woodhulls  went 
wild  with  delight.  He  heard  Tug,  the  catcher,  whis 
pering  excitedly  to  De  Soto. 

"Charley,  just  watch  him!  He's  got  everything 
— everything ! " 

Then  the  Woodhull  tied  the  score  on  two  bases 
on  balls,  and  his  own  two-bagger. 

When  he  walked  lightly  into  the  box  for  the  third 
inning,  Stonewall  Jackson  had  been  replaced  by  De 


88  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

Soto  with  the  imperious  remark :  "  Here,  get  out ! 
I  want  to  watch  this." 

He  gave  the  great  Charley  a  modest  nod. 

"  When  did  you  ever  pitch?  "  said  De  Soto,  crit 
ically. 

"  Oh,  now  and  then,"  he  answered. 

"  Well,  Snorky,  let  yourself  out." 

"  Tug  can't  hold  me,"  he  said  impudently. 
"  That's  the  trouble,  Charley." 

"  Try  him." 

Tug  signalled  for  an  in-shoot.  He  wound  himself 
up  and  let  fly.  Butcher  Stevens  flung  himself  from 
the  plate,  Moffat  threw  up  his  mit  in  sudden  fear. 
The  ball  caromed  off  and  went  frolicking  past  the 
back-stop. 

"Strike  one!" 

Tug,  puzzled  and  apprehensive,  came  up  for  a  con 
sultation. 

"  Gee !  Snorky,  give  me  warning !  What  do  you 
think  I  am — a  Statue  of  Liberty?  " 

"  Charley  wants  me  to  let  myself  out.  I'll  slow 
down  on  the  third  strike,"  he  said  loftily.  "  Let  the 
others  go  if  you  want." 

Tug,  like  a  Roman  gladiator,  with  undying  re 
solve,  squatted  back  of  the  plate  and  signalled  for  an 


THE   FUTURE   PRESIDENT  89 

out.  No  use;  no  mit  of  his  could  ever  stop  the 
frightful  velocity  of  that  shoot. 

"Stri-iketwo!" 

"  Now  ease  up  a  bit,"  cautioned  De  Soto. 

He  sent  a  floating  out-drop  that  seemed  headed  for 
Butcher  Stevens's  head,  and  finally  settled  gently  over 
the  plat  at  the  waist-line. 

"Striker  out!" 

Moffat  no  longer  tried  to  hold  him,  admitting  him 
self  outclassed  by  the  blinding  speed  of  ins  and  outs, 
jump  balls,  and  cross  fire  that  Snorky  hurled  uner 
ringly  across  the  plate.  The  Red  Dog  and  Flea 
Obie,  plainly  unnerved,  died  like  babes  in  their 
tracks.  Five  strike-outs  in  two  innings ! 

Then  De  Soto  spoke. 

"  Here,  Snorky,  you  get  out  of  this ! " 

A  cry  of  protest  came  from  the  Woodhull. 

"  Yell  all  you  like,"  said  De  Soto ;  "  Snorky  is 
going  with  me  where  he  belongs." 

And,  to  the  amazement  of  the  two  houses,  he  drew 
his  arm  under  Snorky's  and  marched  him  right  over 
to  the  'varsity  diamond. 

How  the  school  buzzed  and  chattered  about  the 
phenomenal  rise  of  the  new  pitcher !  He  saw  himself 
pitching  wonderful  curves  to  burly  "  Cap  "  Kiefer, 


90  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

the  veteran  back-stop,  built  like  a  mastodon,  who  had 
all  he  could  do  to  hold  those  frightful  balls.  He  saw 
the  crowds  of  boys,  six  deep,  who  stood  reverentially 
between  times  to  watch  the  amazing  curves.  He 
heard  pleasurably  the  chorus  of  "  Ahs ! "  and 
"  Ohs !  "  and  "  Gees ! "  which  followed  each  delivery. 
Then  suddenly  he  was  in  the  box  on  the  great,  clean 
diamond,  with  the  eyes  of  hundreds  of  boys  fastened 
prayerfully  on  him,  and  the  orange-and-black  stripes 
of  a  Princeton  Varsity  man  facing  him  at  the 
plate.  To  beat  the  Princeton  'varsity — what  a 
goal! 

He  saw  each  striped  champion  come  up  gracefully 
and  retire  crestfallen  to  the  bench,  even  as  the  Dick 
inson  batters  had  done.  Inning  after  inning  passed 
without  a  score;  not  a  Princeton  man  reached  first. 
Then  in  the  seventh  an  accident  happened.  The 
first  Princeton  man  up  deliberately  stepped  into  the 
ball,  and  the  umpire  allowed  him  to  take  his 
base.  It  was  outrageous,  but  worse  was  to  fol 
low.  On  the  attempt  to  steal  second,  Cap  lined  a 
beautiful  ball  to  the  base,  but  no  one  covered  it — a 
mistake  in  signals !  And  the  runner  kept  on  to 
third !  Snorky  settled  down  and  struck  out  the  next 
two  batters.  The  Lawrenceville  bleachers  rose  en 


THE    FUTURE   PRESIDENT  91 

masse  and  shrieked  his  praises.  Then  suddenly 
Kiefer,  to  catch  the  runner  off  third,  snapped  the 
ball  to  Waladoo  a  trifle,  just  a  trifle,  wild;  but  the 
damage  was  done.  1  to  0  in  favor  of  Princeton. 
Even  the  great  Princeton  captain,  Barrett,  said  to 
him: 

"  Hard  luck,  Green !  Blamed  hard  luck ! " 
But  Snorky  wasn't  beaten  yet.  The  eighth  and 
ninth  innings  passed  without  another  Princeton  man 
reaching  first.  Nine  innings  without  a  hit — won 
derful! — and  yet  to  be  beaten  by  a  fluke.  One  out 
for  Lawrenceville ;  two  out.  The  third  man  up,  Cap 
Kiefer  himself,  reached  first  on  an  error.  "  Green 
to  the  bat,"  sung  out  the  scorer. 

Snorky  looked  around,  picked  up  his  bat,  and 
calmly  strode  to  the  plate.  He  had  no  fear;  he 
knew  what  was  going  to  happen.  One  ball,  one 
strike,  two  strikes.  He  let  the  drop  pass.  What 
he  wanted  was  a  swift  in-shoot.  Two  balls — too 
high.  Three  balls — wide  of  the  plate.  He  was  not 
to  be  tempted  by  any  such.  Two  strikes  and  three 
balls ;  now  he  must  get  what  he  wanted.  He  cast  one 
glance  at  the  bleachers,  alive  with  the  frantic  red- 
and-black  flags ;  he  heard  his  comrades  calling,  be 
seeching,  imploring.  Then  his  eye  settled  on  the  far 


92  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

green  stretch  between  right  and  centre  field  and  the 
brown  masses  of  Memorial,  where  no  ball  before  had 
ever  reached.  A  home  run  would  drive  in  Kief er  and 
win  the  game !  The  chance  had  come.  The  Prince 
ton  pitcher  slowly  began  to  wind  up  for  the  delivery. 
Snorky  settled  into  the  box,  caught  his  bat  with  the 
grip  of  desperation,  gathered  together  all  his  sinews, 
and — 

"  Green !  "  called  the  sharp,  jeering  voice  of  Lucius 
Cassius  Hopkins. 

Snorky  sprang  to  his  feet  in  fright,  clutching  at 
his  book.  The  great  home  run  died  in  the  air. 

"  Translate." 

Snorky  gazed  helplessly  at  the  page,  seeking  the 
place.  He  heard  the  muffled  voi-ce  of  Hickey  behind 
Jhim  whisper : 

"  The  advance,  the  advance,  you  chump ! " 

But  to  find  the  place  under  the  hawk  eyes  of  the 
Roman  was  an  impossibility.  He  stared  at  the  page 
in  a  well-simulated  attempt,  shook  his  head,  and  sat 
down. 

"  A  very  creditable  attempt,  Green,"  said  the  mas 
ter,  now  with  a  gentle  voice.  "  De  Soto  ? — Nothing 
from  De  Soto?  Dear,  dear!  We'll  have  to  try 


THE    FUTURE   PRESIDENT  93 

Macnooder  then.  What?  Studied  the  wrong  les 
son?  How  sad!  Mistakes  will  happen.  Don't 
want  to  try  that,  either?  No  feeling  of  confidence 
to-day ;  no  feeling  of  confidence."  He  began  to  call 
them  by  rows.  "  Dark,  Davis,  Denton,  Dibble — 
nothing  in  the  D's.  Fair,  Francis,  Frey,  Frick — 
nothing  from  the  F's;  nothing  from  the  D.  F's. 
Very  strange!  very  strange!  Little  spring  fever — 
yes?  Too  bad!  too  bad!  Lesson  too  long?  Yes? 
Too  long  to  get  any  of  it?  Dear !  dear!  Every  one 
studied  the  review,  I  see.  Excellent  moral  idea,  con 
scientious  ;  wouldn't  go  on  until  you  have  mastered 
yesterday's  lesson.  Well,  well,  so  we'll  have  a  beau 
tiful  recitation  in  the  review." 

How  absurd  it  was  to  be  flunking  under  the  Ro 
man!  Next  year  he  would  show  them.  He  would 
rise  early  in  the  morning  and  study  hours  before 
breakfast ;  he  would  master  everything,  absorb  every 
thing — declensions  and  conjugations,  Greek,  Roman, 
and  mediaeval  civilisation ;  he  would  frolic  in  equations 
and  toy  with  logarithms;  his  translation  would  be 
the  wonder  of  the  faculty.  He  would  crush  Red  Dog 
and  Crazy  Opdyke ;  he  would  be  valedictorian  of  his 
class.  They  would  speak  of  him  as  a  phenomenon, 
as  a  prodigy,  like  Pascal — was  it  Pascal?  What  a 


94  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

tribute  the  head  master  would  pay  him  at  commence 
ment  !  There  on  the  stage  before  all  the  people,  the 
fathers  and  mothers  and  sisters,  before  the  Red  Dog, 
and  Ginger  Pop  Hooker,  and  Hickey,  and  all  the  rest, 
sitting  open-mouthed  while  he,  Snorky  Green,  the 
crack  pitcher  and  valedictorian  of  his  class,  a  scholar 
such  as  Lawrenceville  had  never  known — 

"  Green,  Gay,  and  Hammond,  go  to  the  board. 
Take  your  books." 

Snorky  went  hastily  and  clumsily,  waiting  as  a 
gambler  waits  for  his  chance. 

"  Gay,  decline  his,  hsec,  hoc ;  Green,  write  out  the 
gerundive  forms  of  all  the  verbs  in  the  first  para 
graph  top  of  page  163." 

Snorky  gazed  helplessly  at  the  chronicles  of 
;/Eneas,  and  then  blankly  at  the  inexorable  black 
board,  where  so  many  gerundives  had  not  been  in 
scribed. 

H*e  drew  his  name  in  lagging  letters  exactly  mid 
way,  at  the  top,  with  a  symmetrical  space  above. 

R.  B.  GREEN 

Then  he  searched  anxiously  for  the  gerundives  that 
lurked  somewhere  in  the  first  paragraph,  top  of  page 


THE    FUTURE   PRESIDENT  95 

163.     Then  returning-  to  the  board  he  rubbed  out 
the  name  with  little  reluctant  dabs  and  wrote 

ROGER  B.  GREEN 

[Abandoning  the  chase  for  gerundives,  he  stood  off 
a  few  feet  and  surveyed  his  labours  on  the  black 
board,  frowned,  erased  it  and  wrote  dashingly, 

ROGER  BALLINGTON  GREEN 

Satisfied,  he  drew  a  strong  line  under  it,  added 
two  short  crosses  and  a  dot  or  two,  and  returned  to 
his  seat. 

Once  more  in  the  abode  of  dreams  he  was  trans 
ported  to  college,  president  of  his  class,  the  idol  of 
his  mates,  the  marvel  of  the  faculty.  He  hesitated  on 
the  border-line  of  a  great  football  victory,  where, 
single-handed,  bruised,  and  suffering,  he  would  win 
the  game  for  his  college; — and  then  found  higher 
levels.  War  had  been  declared  swiftly  and  treach 
erously  by  the  German  Empire.  The  whole  country 
was  rising  to  the  President's  call  to  arms.  A  great 
meeting  of  the  University  was  held,  and  he  spoke 


96  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

with  a  sudden  revelation  of  a  power  for  oratory  he 
had  never  before  suspected. 

That  very  afternoon  a  company  was  formed  under 
his  leadership.  Twenty-four  hours  later  they 
marched  to  the  station,  and,  amid  a  whirlwind  of 
cheers  and  godspeeds,  embarked  for  the  front.  Dur 
ing  the  night,  while  others  slept,  he  pored  over  books 
of  tactics ;  he  studied  the  campaigns  of  Caesar,  Na 
poleon,  Grant,  and  Moltke.  In  the  first  disastrous 
year  of  the  war,  when  the  American  army  was  beaten 
back  at  every  point  and  an  invading  force  of  Ger 
mans  was  penetrating  from  the  coast  in  three  sec 
tions,  he  rose  to  the  command  of  his  regiment,  with 
the  reputation  of  being  the  finest  disciplinarian  in 
the  army.  Their  corps  was  always  at  the  front, 
checking  the  resistless  advance  of  the  enemy,  saving 
their  comrades  time  after  time  at  frightful  loss. 
Then  came  that  dreadful  day  when  it  seemed  as 
though  the  Army  of  the  South  was  doomed  to  be 
surrounded  and  crushed  by  the  sudden  tightening  of 
the  enemy's  net  before  the  Army  of  the  Centre  could 
effect  a  junction.  In  the  gloomy  council  he  spoke 
out.  One  way  of  escape  there  was,  but  it  meant  the 
sacrifice  of  five  thousand  men.  Clearly  and  quickly 
he  traced  his  plan,  while  general,  brigadier-general, 


THE   FUTURE   PRESIDENT  97 

and  general-in-chief  stared  in  amazement  at  the  new 
genius  that  flashed  before  their  minds. 

"  That  is  the  plan,"  he  said  calmly,  with  the 
authority  of  a  master  mind ;  "  it  means  the  safety 
of  a  hundred  thousand,  and  if  a  junction  can  be  made 
with  the  Army  of  the  Centre,  the  Germans  can  be 
stopped  and  driven  back  at  so-and-so.  But  this 
means  the  death  of  five  thousand  men.  There  is  only 
one  man  who  has  the  right  to  die  so — the  man  who 
proposes  it.  Give  me  five  regiments,  and  I  will  hold 
the  enemy  for  thirty-six  hours." 

He  threw  his  regiments  boldly  into  the  enemy's  line 
of  march,  and  by  a  sudden  rush  carried  the  spur  that 
dominated  the  valley.  The  German  army,  surprised 
and  threatened  in  its  most  vulnerable  spot,  forced  to 
abandon  the  pursuit,  turned  to  crush  the  handful  of 
heroes. 

All  day  long  the  desperate  battalions  flung  them 
selves  in  vain  against  the  little  band.  All  day  long1 
he  walked  with  drawn  sword  up  and  down  the  thin 
ning  ranks,  stiffening  their  courage.  Red  Dog  and 
Ginger  Pop  called  to  him,  imploring  him  not  to  ex 
pose  himself — Red  Dog  and  Ginger  Pop,  whose 
idol  he  now  was ;  yes,  and  Hickey's  and  Condit's,  too. 
But  carelessly,  defiantly,  he  stood  in  full  view,  his 


98  THE   PRODIGIOUS  HICKEY 

clothes  pierced,  his  head  bared.  Then  came  the 
night — the  long,  fatiguing  night,  without  an  in 
stant's  cessation.  The  carnage  was  frightful.  Half 
of  the  force  gone,  and  twelve  hours  more  to  hold  out ! 
That  was  his  promise.  And  the  sickening  dawn,  with 
the  shrouded  clouds  and  the  expectant  vultures,  came 
stealing  out  of  the  East.  Until  night  came  again 
they  must  cling  to  the  spur-top  and  manage  to  live 
in  that  hurricane  of  lead.  He  went  down  the  line, 
calling  each  man  by  name,  rousing  them,  like  a 
prophet  inspired.  The  fury  of  sacrifice  seized  them. 
They  fought  on,  parched  and  bleeding,  while  the  sun 
rose  above  them  and  slowly  fell.  A  thousand  lives ; 
half  that,  and  half  that  again.  Five  o'clock,  and 
still  two  hours  to  go.  He  looked  about  him.  Only 
a  few  hundred  remained  to  meet  the  next  charge. 
Red  Dog  and  Ginger  Pop  were  cold  in  death,  Hickey 
was  dying.  Of  all  his  school  friends,  only  Flash 
Condit  remained,  staggering  at  his  side.  And  then 
the  great  masses  of  the  enemy  swept  over  them  like 
an  avalanche,  and  he  fell,  unconscious  but  happy, 
with  the  vision  of  martyrdom  shining  above  him. 

Red  Dog,  on  his  way  back  to  his  seat,  knocked 
against  him,  saying  angrily: 


All  day  long  he  walked  with  drawn  sword  " 


THE   FUTURE   PRESIDENT          101 

"  Oh,  you  clumsy !  " 

Red  Dog,  of  all  the  world!  Red  Dog,  whom  he 
had  just  cheered  into  a  hero's  death.  Snorky,  thus 
brought  to  earth,  decided  to  resuscitate  himself  and 
read  the  papers,  with  their  big  page-broad  scare- 
heads  of  the  fight  on  the  spur.  This  accomplished, 
he  decided  to  end  the  war.  The  President,  driven  by 
public  clamour,  put  him  in  command  of  the  Army  of 
the  South.  In  three  weeks,  by  a  series  of  rapid  Na 
poleonic  marches,  he  flung  the  enemy  into  morasses 
and  wilderness,  cut  their  line  of  communication,  and 
starved  them  into  surrender;  then  flinging  his  army 
north,  he  effected  a  junction  with  the  Army  of  the 
Centre,  sending  a  laconic  message  to  the  President: 
"  I  am  here.  Give  me  command,  and  I  will  feed  the 
sea  with  the  remnants  of  Germany's  glory." 

Official  Washington,  intriguing  and  jealous,  cried 
out  for  a  court-martial ;  but  the  voice  of  the  people, 
echoing  from  coast  to  coast,  gave  him  his  wish.  In 
one  month  he  swept  the  middle  coast  bare  of  resist 
ance,  fought  three  enormous  battles,  and  annihilated 
the  armies  of  the  invaders,  ending  the  war.  What  a 
triumph  was  his !  That  wonderful  entry  into  Wash 
ington,  with  the  frenzied  roars  of  multitudes  that 
greeted  him,  as  he  rode  simply  and  modestly,  but 


102  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

greatly,  down  the  Avenue  at  the  head  of  his  old  regi 
ment,  in  their  worn  and  ragged  uniforms,  with  the 
flag  shot  to  shreds  proudly  carried  by  the  resusci 
tated  Hickey  and  Flash  Condit,  seeing  in  the  crowd 
the  tear-stained  faces  of  the  Roman  and  the  head 
master  and  all  his  old  comrades,  amid  the  waving 
handkerchiefs  of  frantic  thousands. 

At  this  point  Snorky's  emotion  overmastered  him. 
A  lump  was  in  his  throat.  He  controlled  himself 
with  difficulty  and  dignity.  He  went  over  the  quiet, 
stately  years  until  a  grateful  nation  carried  him  in 
triumph  into  the  Presidential  chair,  nominated  by 
acclamation  and  without  opposition!  He  saw  the 
wonderful  years  of  his  ascendency,  the  wrongs 
righted,  peace  and  concord  returning  to  all  classes, 
the  development  of  science,  the  uniting  into  one  sys 
tem  of  all  the  warring  branches  of  education,  the 
amalgamation  of  Canada  and  Mexico  into  the  United 
States,  the  development  of  an  immense  merchant  fleet, 
the  consolidation  of  all  laws  into  one  national  code, 
the  establishment  of  free  concerts  and  theatres  for 
the  people.  Then  suddenly  there  fell  a  terrible 
blow,  the  hand  of  a  maniac  struck  him  down  as  he 
passed  through  the  multitudes  who  loved  him.  He 
was  carried  unconscious  to  the  nearest  house.  The 
greatest  physicians  flocked  to  him,  striving  in  vain 


THE   FUTURE   PRESIDENT          103 

to  fight  off  the  inevitable  end.  He  saw  the  street 
filled  with  tan-bark  and  the  faces  of  the  grief-stricken 
multitude,  with  Hickey  and  Red  Dog  and  Ginger  Pop 
sobbing  on  the  steps  and  refusing  to  leave  all  that 
fateful  night,  while  bulletins  of  the  final  struggle 
were  constantly  sent  to  every  part  of  the  globe. 
And  then  he  died.  He  heard  the  muffled  peal  of 
bells,  and  the  sobs  that  went  up  from  every  home  in 
the  land ;  he  saw  the  houses  being  decked  with  crape,' 
and  the  people,  with  aching  hearts,  trooping  into  the 
churches :  for  he,  the  President,  the  beloved,  the  great 
military  genius,  the  wisest  of  human  rulers,  was 
dead — dead. 

Suddenly  a  titter,  a  horrible,  mocking  laugh,  broke 
through  the  stately  dignity  of  the  national  grief. 
Snorky,  with  tears  trembling  in  his  eyes,  suddenly 
brought  back  to  reality,  looked  up  to  see  Lucius 
Cassius  Hopkins  standing  over  him  with  mocking 
smile.  From  their  desks  Red  Dog  and  Hickey  were 
making  faces  at  him,  roaring  at  his  discomfiture. 

"  So  Green  is  dreaming  again !  Dear,  dear ! 
Dreaming  again ! "  said  the  deliberate  voice. 
"  Dreaming  of  chocolate  eclairs  and  the  jigger-shop, 
eh,  Green  ?  " 


FURTHER    PERSECUTION    OF    HICKEY 

EVER  since  the  disillusionising  encounter  with 
Tabby,  Hickey,  like  the  obscure  Bonaparte  before 
the  trenches  of  Toulon,  walked  moodily  alone,  ab 
sorbed  in  his  own  resolves,  evolving  his  immense 
scheme  of  a  colossal  rebellion.  Macnooder,  alone, 
received  the  full  confidence  of  the  war  a  entrance 
with  the  faculty  which  he  gradually  evolved. 

Macnooder  was  the  man   of  peace,  the  Mazarin 
and  the  Machiavelli   of  the  Dickinson.     He   risked 

104 


FURTHER  PERSECUTION  OF  HICKEY  105 

nothing  in  action,  but  to  his  cunning  mind  with  its 
legal  sense  of  dangers  to  be  met  and  avoided,  were 
brought  all  the  problems  of  conspiracies  against  the 
discipline  of  the  school.  Macnooder  pronounced 
the  scheme  of  a  revolt  heroic,  all  the  more  so  that 
he  saw  an  opportunity  of  essaying  his  strategy  on 
large  lines. 

"  We  must  begin  on  a  small  scale,  Hickey,"  he 
said  wisely,  "  and  keep  working  up  to  something 
really  big." 

"  I  thought  we  might  organise  a  secret  society," 
said  Hickey,  ruminating,  "  something  masonic,  all 
sworn  to  silence  and  secrecy  and  all  that  sort  of 
thing." 

"  No,"  said  Doc,  "  just  as  few  as  possible  and  no 
real  confidants,  Hickey;  we'll  take  assistants  as  we 
need  them." 

"  What  would  you  begin  with?  " 

"We  must  strike  a  blow  at  Tabby,"  said  Mac 
nooder.  "  We  must  show  him  that  we  don't  pro 
pose  to  stand  for  any  of  his  underhanded  methods." 

"  He  needs  a  lesson,"  Hickey  asserted  savagely. 

"How  about  the  skeleton?" 

"  Humph !  "  said  Hickey,  considering ;  "  perhaps, 
but  that's  rather  old." 


106  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

"  Not  up  the  flag-pole — something  new." 

"What  is  it,  Doc?" 

Hickey  looked  at  Macnooder  with  expectant  ad 
miration. 

"  I  noticed  something  yesterday  in  Memorial, 
during  chapel,  that  gave  me  an  idea,"  said  Mac 
nooder  profoundly.  "  There  is  a  great  big  ven 
tilator  in  the  ceiling;  now  there  must  be  some  way 
of  getting  to  that  and  letting  a  rope  down."  Mac 
nooder  stopped  and  looked  at  Hickey.  Hickey  re 
turned  a  look  full  of  admiration,  then  by  a  mutual 
movement  they  clasped  hands  in  ecstatic,  sudden 
delight. 

That  night  they  reconnoitred  with  the  aid  of  a 
dark-lantern,  borrowed  from  Legs  Brownell  of  the 
Griswold,  and  the  pass-keys,  of  which  Hickey  was 
the  hereditary  possessor. 

They  found  to  their  delight  that  there  was  in  fact 
a  small  opening  through  which  one  boy  could  wriggle 
with  difficulty. 

The  attempt  was  fixed  for  the  following  night, 
and  as  a  third  boy  was  indispensable  it  was  decided 
that  etiquette  demanded  that  the  owner  of  the  lan 
tern  should  have  the  first  call. 

At  two  o'clock  that  night  Hickey  and  Macnooder 


FURTHER  PERSECUTION  OF  RICKEY  107 

stole  down  the  creaking  stairs,  and  out  Sawtelle's 
window  (the  highway  to  the  outer  world).  The 
night  was  misty,  with  a  pleasant,  ghostly  chill  that 
heightened  measurably  the  delight  of  the  adventure. 
In  the  shadow  of  the  Griswold  a  third  shivering 
form  cautiously  developed  into  the  possessor  of  the 
dark-lantern. 

After  a  whispered  consultation,  they  proceeded 
to  Foundation  House,  where  they  secured  the  neces 
sary  rope  from  the  clothes-line,  it  being  deemed 
eminently  fitting  to  secure  the  cooperation  of  the 
best  society. 

Memorial  Hall  entered,  they  soon  found  them 
selves,  by  the  aid  of  the  smelly  lantern,  in  front 
of  the  closet  that  held  the  skeleton  which  twice  a 
week  served  as  demonstration  to  the  class  in  an 
atomy,  and  twice  a  year  was  dragged  forth  to  deco 
rate  the  flag-pole  or  some  such  exalted  and  in 
accessible  station.  In  a  short  time  the  door  yielded 
to  the  prying  of  the  hatchet  Macnooder  had  thought 
fully  brought  along,  and  the  white,  chalky  outlines 
of  the  melancholy  skeleton  appeared. 

The  three  stood  gazing,  awed.  It  was  black  and 
still,  and  the  hour  of  the  night  when  dogs  howl  and 
bats  go  hunting. 


108  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

"  Who's  going  to  take  him?  "  said  Legs  in  a  whis 
per. 

"  Take  it  yourself,"  said  Macnooder,  unhooking 
the  wriggling  form.  "  Hickey's  got  to  crawl 
through  the  air  hole,  and  I've  got  to  work  the 
lantern.  You're  not  superstitious,  are  you?" 

"  Sure,  I'm  not,"  retorted  Legs,  who  received  the 
skeleton  in  his  arms  with  a  shiver  that  raised  the 
goose-flesh  from  his  crown  to  his  heels. 

"Come  on,"  said  Hickey  in  a  whisper;  "softly 
now." 

"What's  that?"  exclaimed  Legs,  drawing  in  his 
breath. 

"  That's  nothing,"  said  Macnooder  loftily ;  "  all 
buildings  creak  at  night." 

"  I  swear  I  heard  a  step.     There  again.     Listen." 

"  Legs  is  right,"  said  Hickey  in  a  whisper.  "  It's 
outside." 

"  Rats !  it's  nothing  but  Jimmy,"  said  Macnooder 
with  enforced  calm.  "  Keep  quiet  until  he  passes 
on." 

They  stood  breathless  until  the  sounds  of  the 
watchman  on  his  nightly  rounds  died  away.  Then 
they  started  on  tiptoes  up  the  first  flight  for  the 
chapel,  Macnooder  leading  with  the  lantern,  Legs 


FURTHER   PERSECUTION  OF  RICKEY  109 

next  with  the  skeleton  gingerly  carried  in  his  arms, 
Hickey  bringing  up  the  rear  with  the  coil  of  rope. 

"  Here  we  are,"  said  Macnooder  at  length.  "  Legs, 
you  wait  here, — see,  that's  where  we're  going  to  hoist 
him."  He  flashed  the  bull's-eye  upward  to  the  per 
forated  circle  directly  above  the  rostrum,  and  added : 
"  I'll  get  Hickey  started  and  then  I'll  be  right  back." 

"  Are  you  going  to  take  the  lantern  ?  "  said  Legs, 
whose  courage  began  to  fail  him. 

"  Sure,"  said  Hickey,  indignantly.  "  Legs,  you're 
getting  scared." 

"  No,  I'm  not,"  protested  Legs,  faintly,  "  but  I 
don't  like  to  be  left  all  alone  with  this  thing  in  my 
arms ! " 

"  Say,  do  you  want  my  job?  "  said  Hickey,  scorn 
fully,  "  crawling  down  thirty  feet  of  air  hole,  with 
bugs,  and  spiders  and  mice?  Do  you?  'Cause  if 
you  do  just  say  so." 

"  No-o-o,"  said  Legs  with  a  sigh,  "  no,  I'll  stay 
here." 

"  You  don't  believe  in  ghosts  and  that  sort  of 
thing,  do  you?  "  said  Macnooder  solicitously. 

"Course,  I  don't!" 

"  All  right  then,  'cause  if  you  do  we  won't  leave 
you." 


110  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

"You  chaps  go  on,"  said  Legs  bravely,  "only 
be  quick  about  it." 

"All  right?" 

"All  right." 

Hickey  and  Macnooder  stole  away;  then  sud 
denly  Hickey,  returning,  whispered: 

"  Say,  Legs !  " 

"What?" 

"  If  you  catch  your  coat  don't  think  it's  the  dead 
man's  hand  grabbing  you,  will  you  ?  " 

"  Darn  you,  Hickey,"  said  Legs,  "  if  you  don't 
shut  up  I'll  quit." 

"  Sh-h — good-bye,  old  man." 

"Hurry  up!" 

In  the  crawling,  howling  darkness  Legs  waited, 
holding  the  skeleton  at  arm's  length,  trembling  like 
a  leaf,  listening  tensely  for  a  sound,  vowing  that 
if  he  ever  got  safely  back  into  his  bed  he  would 
never  break  another  law  of  the  school.  At  the  mo 
ment  when  his  courage  was  wavering,  he  heard  the 
muffled,  slipping  tread  of  Macnooder  returning. 
He  drew  a  long  comfortable  breath,  threw  one  leg 
nonchalantly  over  the  back  of  a  near-by  seat  and 
clasped  the  skeleton  in  an  affectionate  embrace. 

"Hist— Legs." 


FURTHER  PERSECUTION  OF  HICKEY  111 

The  lantern  flashed  upon  him.  Legs  yawned  a 
bored,  tranquil  yawn. 

"Is  that  you,  Doc?" 

"  Were  you  scared?  " 

"Of  what!" 

"  Say,  you've  got  nerve  for  a  youngster,"  said 
Macnooder  admiringly.  "  Honestly,  how  did  it 
feel  hugging  old  Bonesy,  all  alone  there  in  the 
dark?  " 

"  You  know,  I  rather  liked  it,"  said  Legs  with  a 
drawl.  "  I  tried  to  imagine  what  it  would  be  like  to 
see  a  ghost.  Only,  I  could  hardly  keep  awake. 
Good  Lord!  what's  that?" 

The  coil  of  rope  descending  had  brushed  against 
his  face  and  the  start  which  he  gave  completely  de 
stroyed  the  effect  o-f  his  narrative.  Macnooder, 
seizing  the  rope,  made  it  fast  to  the  skeleton. 
Then,  producing  a  large  pasteboard  from  under  his 
sweater,  he  attached  it  to  a  foot  so  that  it  would  dis 
play  to  the  morrow's  audience  the  inscription, 
TABBY. 

He  gave  two  quick  tugs,  and  the  skeleton  slowly 
ascended,  twisting  and  turning  in  unnatural,  white 
gyrations,  throwing  grotesque  shadows  against  the 
ceiling. 


THE    PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

"  Now,  let's  get  up  to  see  Hickey  come  out,"  said 
Macnooder  with  a  chuckle.  "  He's  a  sight." 

Ten  minutes  later,  as  they  waited  expectantly, 
listening  at  the  opening  of  the  narrow  passage,  a 
sneeze  resounded. 

"  What's  that? "  exclaimed  Legs,  whose  nerves 
were  tense. 

"  That's  Hickey,"  said  Macnooder  with  a  chuckle. 
"  He'll  be  along  in  a  minute.  He's  scattering  red 
pepper  after  him  so  no  one  can  crawl  in  to  get  the 
skeleton  down.  Gee!  he  must  have  swallowed  half 
of  it." 

A  succession  of  sneezes  resounded,  and  then  with  a 
scramble  an  unrecognisable  form  shot  out  of  the 
opening,  covered  with  cobwebs  and  the  accumulated 
dust  of  years. 

"  For  heaven's  sake,  Hickey,  stop  sneezing !  "  cried 
Macnooder  in  tremor.  "  You'll  get  us  pinched." 

"  I — I — can't  help  it,"  returned  Hickey  between 
sneezes.  "  Great  idea  of  yours — red  pepper !  " 

"  Just  think  of  the  fellow  that  goes  in  after  you," 
said  Macnooder,  "  and  stop  sneezing." 

"  It's  in  my  eyes,  down  my  throat,  everywhere ! " 
said  Hickey  helplessly. 

They  got  him  out  of  the  building  and  down  by 


FURTHER  PERSECUTION  OF  HICKEY  113 

the  pond  where  he  plunged  his  head  gratefully  into 
the  cooling  waters.  Then  they  slapped  the  dust 
from  him  and  rubbed  the  cobwebs  out  of  his  hair, 
until  he  begged  for  mercy. 

"  Never  mind,  Hickey,"  said  Macnooder  helpfully, 
"  just  think  of  Tabby  when  he  comes  in  to-morrow." 

Fortified  by  this  delicious  thought,  Hickey  sub 
mitted  to  being  cleaned.  Then  Macnooder  examined 
him  carefully,  saying: 

"  There  mustn't  be  the  slightest  clue ;  if  there  is 
a  button  missing  you'll  have  to  go  back  for  it." 
Suddenly  he  stopped.  "  Hickey,  there's  one  gone — 
off  the  left  sleeve." 

"  I  lost  that  scrapping  with  the  Egghead  last 
week,"  explained  Hickey,  "  and  both  of  the  left 
suspender  ones  are  gone,  too." 

"Honest?" 

"  I  swear  it." 

"There's  been  many  a  murder  tracked  down," 
said  Macnooder  impressively,  "  on  just  a  little 
button." 

"  Gee !  Doc,"  said  Legs  in  chilled  admiration, 
"  say,  what  a  bully  criminal  you  would  make." 

And  on  this  spontaneous  expression  of  young  am 
bition,  the  three  separated. 


THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

The  next  morning,  when  the  school  filed  in  to 
Memorial  for  chapel,  they  beheld  with  rapture  the 
uncanny  figure  suspended  directly  over  the  rostrum. 
In  an  instant  the  name  was  whispered  over  the  benches 
— "  Tabby."  It  was  then  a  feat  of  the  Dickinson 
House.  Every  Dickinsonian  was  questioned  ex 
citedly  and  professed  the  blankest  ignorance,  but 
with  such  an  insistent  air,  that  twenty  were  instantly 
credited  with  the  deed.  Then,  with  a  common  im 
pulse,  the  school  turned  to  watch  the  entrance  of 
the  faculty.  Each  master  on  entering  started,  re 
pressed  an  involuntary  smile,  looked  to  see  the  name 
attached,  frowned,  gazed  fiercely  at  the  nearest  boys 
and  took  his  seat. 

Suddenly  a  thrill  of  excitement  ran  over  the  school 
and  like  a  huge  sigh  the  exclamation  welled  up, 
"  Tabby ! " 

Mr.  Lorenzo  Blackstone  Tapping  had  entered. 
His  eyes  met  the  skeleton  and  he  coloured.  A  smile 
would  have  saved  him,  but  the  young  Greek  and 
Latin  expert  understood  nothing  of  the  humanising 
sciences.  He  tried  to  look  unconcerned  and  failed; 
he  tried  to  look  dignified  and  appeared  sheepish;  he 
tried  to  appear  calm  and  became  red  with  anger. 
It  was  a  moment  that  carried  joy  into  the  heart 


FURTHER  PERSECUTION  OF  HICKEY  115 

of  Hickey,  joy  and  the  forgetfulness  of  red  pepper, 
cobwebs  and  dust. 

Then  the  head  master  arrived  and  a  frightened 
calm  fell  over  the  awed  assemblage.  Did  he  see  the 
skeleton?  There  was  not  the  slightest  evidence  of 
recognition.  He  walked  to  his  seat  without  a  break 
and  began  the  services  without  once  lifting  his  eyes. 
The  school  was  vexed,  mystified  and  apprehensive. 
But  at  the  close  of  the  services  the  head  master 
spoke,  seeking  the  culprits  among  the  four  hun 
dred,  and  under  that  terrifying  glance  each  innocent 
boy  looked  guilty. 

Such  an  outrage  had  never  before  occurred  in  the 
history  of  the  institution,  he  assured  them.  Not 
only  had  a  gross  desecration  been  done  to  the  sacred- 
ness  of  the  spot,  but  wanton  and  cowardly  insult 
had  been  perpetrated  on  one  of  the  masters  (Tap 
ping  thought  the  specific  allusion  might  have  been 
omitted).  It  was  as  cowardly  as  the  miserable 
wretch  who  writes  an  anonymous  letter,  as  cowardly 
as  the  drunken  bully  who  shoots  from  the  dark.  He 
repelled  the  thought  that  this  was  a  manifestation 
of  the  spirit  of  the  school ;  it  was  rather  the  isolated 
act  of  misguided  unfortunates  who  should  never  have 
entered  the  institution,  who  would  leave  it  the  day 


116  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

of  their  detection.  And  he  promised  the  school  that 
they  would  be  detected,  that  he  would  neither  rest 
nor  spare  an  effort  to  ferret  out  this  cancer  and 
remove  it. 

Hickey  drank  in  the  terrific  onslaught  with  de 
light.  He  had  struck  the  enemy,  he  had  made  it 
wince  and  cry  out.  The  first  battle  was  his.  He 
rose  with  the  school  and  shuffled  up  the  aisle.  Sud 
denly  at  the  exit,  he  beheld  Mr.  Tapping  waiting. 
Their  glances  met  in  a  long  hostile  clash.  There 
was  no  mistaking  the  master's  meaning;  it  was  a 
direct  accusation  that  sought  in  Hickey's  face  to 
surprise  a  telltale  look. 

A  great  lump  rose  in  Hickey's  throat;  all  the  joy 
of  a  moment  ago  passed,  a  profound  melancholy  en 
veloped  him;  he  felt  alone,  horribly  alone,  fighting 
against  the  impossible. 

"  Why  ?  "  he  said,  bitterly,  "  why  should  he  always 
pick  on  me — the  sneak !  " 

During  the  next  few  days  a  few  minor  skirmishes 
ensued  which  showed  only  too  clearly  to  Hickey,  the 
implacable  persecution  he  must  expect  from  Tabby. 
The  first  day  it  was  the  question  of  breakfast. 

At  seven  o'clock  every  morning  the  rising  bell  fills 


FURTHER  PERSECUTION  OF  RICKEY  117 

the  air  with  its  clamour  from  the  belfry  of  the  old 
gymnasium,  but  no  one  rises.  There  is  half  an 
hour  until  the  gong  sounds  for  breakfast,  a  long 
delicious  half  hour — the  best  half  hour  of  the  day 
or  night  to  prolong  under  the  covers.  After 
twenty  minutes  a  few  effeminate  members  rise  to 
prink,  five  minutes  later  there  is  a  general  tumbling 
out  of  the  bed  and  a  wild  scamper  into  garments  ar 
ranged  in  ingenious  time-saving  combinations. 

At  exactly  the  half  hour,  with  the  first  sounds  of 
the  breakfast  gong,  Hickey  would  start  from  his 
warm  bed,  plunge  his  head  into  the  already  filled 
basin,  wash  with  circumspection  in  eight  seconds 
(drying  included),  thrust  his  legs  into  an  arrange 
ment  of  trousers,  socks  and  unmentionables,  pull  a 
jersey  over  his  head,  stick  his  feet  into  the  waiting 
pair  of  slippers,  part  and  brush  his  hair,  snap  a 
"  dickey  "  about  his  neck,  and  run  down  the  stairs 
struggling  into  his  coat,  tying  his  tie  and  attending 
to  the  buttons,  the  whole  process  varying  between 
twenty-one  and  one-eighth  seconds  and  twenty-two 
and  three-quarters. 

But  on  the  morning  after  the  exposing  of  the 
skeleton  Hickey  had  trouble  with  the  dickey.  The 
school  regulations  tyrannically  demanded  that  each 


118  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

boy  should  appear  at  breakfast  and  chapel  properly 
dressed,  i.  e.,  in  collar  and  shirt.  But  as  the  appear 
ance  is  accepted  for  the  fact,  the  "  dickey  "  comes 
to  the  rescue  and  permits  not  only  despatch  in 
dressing,  but  by  suppressing  a  luxury  from  the  wash 
list,  to  attend  to  the  necessities  of  the  stomach.  The 
dickey  is  formed  by  the  junction  of  two  flat  cuffs, 
held  together  by  a  stud,  to  which  is  attached  a  col 
lar,  and  later  a  tie.  When  the  coat  is  added  even 
the  most  practised  eye  may  be  deceived  by  the  in 
closed  exhibition  of  linen. 

On  the  aforesaid  morning  as  Hickey  hastily 
donned  his  dickey  the  stud  snapped  and  he  was 
forced  to  waste  precious  seconds  in  not  only  pro 
curing  another  stud,  but  in  arranging  the  component 
parts.  He  tore  down  the  stairs  to  find  the  door 
shut  in  his  face, — Tabby's  orders,  of  course! 

The  next  night  the  same  malignant  enemy  sur 
prised  him  at  ten  o'clock  returning  on  tiptoe  from 
the  Egghead's  room, — marks  and  penal  service  on 
Saturday  afternoon.  Hickey  soon  perceived  that 
he  was  to  be  subjected  to  a  constant  surveillance, 
that  the  slightest  absence  from  his  room  after  dark 
would  expose  him  to  detection  and  punishment. 
Macnooder  counselled  seeming  submission  and  a  cer- 


FURTHER   PERSECUTION  OF  HICKEY  119 

tain  interval  of  patient  caution.  Hickey  indignantly 
repelled  the  advice;  the  more  the  danger  the  greater 
the  glory. 

On  Friday  morning  a  strange  calm  pervaded  the 
school,  a  lethargy  universal  and  sweet.  Seven  o'clock, 
half  past  seven,  a  quarter  of  eight,  and  not  a  stir. 
Then  suddenly  in  every  house,  exclamations  of  amaze 
ment  burst  from  the  rooms,  watches  were  scanned 
incredulously  and  excited  boys  called  from  house  to 
house.  Gradually  the  wonder  dawned,  welcomed  by 
cries  of  rejoicing — the  clapper  had  been  stolen! 

In  the  Dickinson,  Hickey  and  Macnooder  were  the 
first  in  the  halls,  the  loudest  in  their  questions,  the 
most  dumfounded  at  the  occurrence.  Breakfast, 
forty  minutes  late,  was  eaten  in  a  buzz  of  excitement, 
interrupted  by  the  arrival  of  a  messenger  from  the 
head  master  with  peremptory  orders  to  convene  at 
once  in  Memorial. 

The  Doctor  was  in  no  pleasant  mood.  The  theft 
of  the  clapper,  coming  so  soon  upon  the  incident  of 
the  skeleton,  had  roused  his  fighting  blood.  His 
discourse  was  terse,  to  the  point,  and  uncompromis 
ing.  There  could  no  longer  be  any  doubt  that  in 
dividuals  were  in  rebellion  against  the  peace  and 
discipline  of  the  school.  He  would  accept  the  de- 


120  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

fiance.  If  it  was  to  be  war,  war  it  should  be.  It 
was  for  the  majority  to  say  how  long  they,  the  law- 
abiding,  the  studious,  the  decent,  would  suffer  from 
the  reckless  outrages  of  a  few  without  standards 
or  seriousness  of  purpose.  The  clapper  would  not 
be  replaced.  All  marks  for  tardiness  and  absence 
from  recitations  would  be  doubled,  and  the  moment 
any  total  reached  twenty,  that  boy  would  be  im 
mediately  suspended  from  the  institution.  The  clap 
per  would  not  be  replaced  until  the  school  itself 
replaced  it! 

Hickey  drank  in  the  sweet  discourse,  revelling  in 
the  buzz  of  conjecture  that  rose  about  him,  con 
centrating  all  his  powers  on  appearing  innocent 
and  unconcerned  before '  the  fusillade  of  admiring, 
alluring  glances  that  spontaneously  sought  him 
out. 

The  school  went  to  the  recitation  rooms  joyfully, 
discussing  how  best  to  draw  from  the  ultimatum  all 
the  amusement  possible.  By  the  afternoon  every 
boy  was  armed  with  an  alarm  clock,  which  he  carried 
into  each  recitation,  placing  it  in  the  aisle  at  his 
feet  after  a  solicitous  comparison  of  the  time  with 
his  neighbours.  Five  minutes  before  the  close  of  the 
hour  the  bombardment  would  begin,  and  as  each 


FURTHER  PERSECUTION  OF  HICKEY  121 

clock  exploded  the  owner  would  grab  it  up  frantic 
ally  and  depart  for  the  next  recitation  in  a  gallop. 
Bright  happy  days,  when  even  the  monotony  of  the 
classroom  disappeared  under  the  expectation  of  a 
sudden  alarm! 

With  a  perfect  simulation  of  seriousness,  expedi 
tions,  known  as  clapper  parties,  were  organised  to 
search  for  the  missing  clapper.  Orchards,  gardens, 
streams, — nothing  was  spared  in  the  search.  Com 
plaints  began  to  pour  in  from  neighbouring  farmers 
with  threats  of  defending  their  property  with  shot 
guns.  The  school  gardener  arrived  in  a  panic  to 
implore  protection  for  his  lawns.  Then  the  alarm 
clocks  became  strangely  unreliable.  At  every  mo 
ment  the  sound  of  the  alarm,  singly,  or  in  bunches, 
was  heard  in  the  halls  of  Memorial.  Several  of  the 
older  members  of  the  faculty,  who  were  addicted  to 
insomnia  and  nervous  indigestion,  sent  in  their  ulti 
matum.  Thus  forced  to  a  decision,  the  head  master 
compromised.  He  had  the  clapper  replaced  and 
assessed  the  school  for  the  costs. 

During  those  glorious,  turbulent  days,  Hickey 
perceived  with  melancholy  that  Tabby  still  persisted 
in  suspecting  him.  It  was  disheartening,  but  there 
was  no  blinking  the  fact.  Tabby  suspected  him! 


122  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

At  the  table  Tabby's  eyes  restlessly  returned 
again  and  again  in  his  direction.  Tabby's  ears 
were  strained  to  catch  the  slightest  word  he  might 
utter,  in  fact,  everything  in  Tabby's  bearing  indi 
cated  a  malignant  determination  to  see  in  him  the 
author  of  every  escapade.  This  fresh  injustice 
roused  Hickey's  ire  to  such  an  extent  that  despite 
the  cautious  Macnooder  he  determined  upon  a  further 
deed  of  bravado. 

One  morning  Mr.  Lorenzo  Blackstone  Tapping, 
exactly  as  Hickey  planned,  perceived  a  curious  watch 
charm  on  Hickey's  watch  chain,  which  he  soon  made 
out  to  be  a  miniature  silver  clapper.  Immediately 
suspicious,  he  noticed  that  every  boy  in  the  room 
was  in  a  state  of  excitement.  On  examining  them 
he  discovered  that  every  waistcoat  was  adorned  with 
the  same  suspect  emblem.  During  the  day  a  chance 
remark  overheard,  revealed  to  him  the  fact  that 
Hickey  was  selling  the  souvenirs  at  a  dollar  apiece. 
Assuredly  here  was  an  important  clue.  That  after 
noon  all  his  doubts  were  answered.  He  was  seated 
at  his  study  window  when  his  attention  was  attracted 
by  a  group  directly  beneath.  Against  the  wall 
Hickey  was  standing,  with  a  large  box  under  his 
arm,  selling  souvenirs  as  fast  as  he  could  make 


FURTHER  PERSECUTION  OF  HICKEY 

change  to  the  breathless  crowd  which  augmented  at 
every  moment. 

Meanwhile,  Hickey,  fully  aware  of  his  enemy's 
proximity,  took  special  pains  that  the  conversation 
should  carry.  About  him  the  excited  crowd  pressed 
in  a  frantic  endeavour  to  purchase  before  the  store 
was  exhausted. 

To  all  inquiries  Hickey  maintained  a  dark  secrecy. 

"  I'm  saying  nothing,  fellows,  nothing  at  all,"  he 
said  with  a  canny  smile ;  "  it  isn't  wise  sometimes  to 
do  much  talking.  The  impression  has  somehow  got 
around  that  these  little  '  suveneers '  are  made  out  of 
the  original  clapper.  I'm  not  responsible  for  that 
impression,  gents,  and  I  make  no  remarks  thereupon. 
These  little  '  suveneers  '  I  hold  in  my  hand  are  silver- 
plated — silver-plated,  gents,  and  when  a  thing  is 
silver-plated  there  must  be  something  inside.  And 
I  further  remark  that  these  '  suveneers  '  will  sell  for 
one  dollar  apiece  only  until  five  o'clock,  that  after 
that  time  they  will  sell  at  one  dollar  and  a  half,  and 
I  further  remark  that  there  are  only  forty-five  left !  " 
Then  rattling  the  box  he  continued  with  simulated 
innocence,  "  Nothing  but  a  *  suveneer,'  gents,  noth 
ing  guaranteed.  We  sell  nothing  under  false  pre 
tences  ! " 


THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

At  half  past  four  he  had  sold  the  last  of  a  lot 
of  two  hundred  and  fifty  amid  scenes  of  excitement 
worthy  of  Wall  Street. 

At  five  o'clock,  Hickey  received  a  summons 
to  Foundation  House.  There  to  his  delight  he 
found  the  head  master  in  the  company  of  Mr.  Tap 
ping. 

Hickey  entered  with  the  candour  of  a  cherub, 
plainly  quite  at  loss  as  to  the  object  of  the 
summons. 

"  Hicks,"  said  the  head  master  in  his  solemnest 
tones,  "  you  are  under  very  grave  suspicion." 

"  Me,  sir  ?  "  said  Hickey  in  ungrammatical  aston 
ishment. 

"  Hicks,  it  has  come  to  my  knowledge  that  you 
are  selling  as  souvenirs  bits  of  the  clapper  that  was 
stolen  from  the  gymnasium." 

"  May  I  ask,  sir,"  said  Hickey  with  indignation, 
"  who  has  accused  me?" 

At  this  Mr.  Tapping  spoke  up  severely : 

"  I  have  informed  the  Doctor  of  facts  which  have 
come  into  my  possession." 

"  Sir,"  said  Hickey,  addressing  the  head  master, 
"  Mr.  Tapping  has  honoured  me  with  his  enmity  for 
a  long  while.  He  has  not  even  hesitated  to  threaten 


FURTHER  PERSECUTION  OF1  HICKEY  125 

me.  I  am  not  surprised  that  he  should  accuse  me, 
only  I  insist  that  he  state  what  evidence  he  has  for 
bringing  this  accusation." 

"  Doctor,  allow  me,"  said  Mr.  Tapping,  somewhat 
ill  at  ease.  Then  turning  to  Hickey  he  said,  with 
the  air  of  a  cross-examiner :  "  Hicks,  are  you  or  are 
you  not  selling  souvenirs  at  one  dollar  apiece,  in 
the  shape  of  small  silver  clappers  ?  " 

"  Certainly." 

"  Made  out  of  the  original  clapper?  " 

"  Certainly  not!  " 

"  Wha-t !  "  exclaimed  the  amazed  Tapping. 

"Certainly  not." 

"  Do  you  mean  to  say  that  two  hundred  and  fifty 
boys  would  have  bought  those  souvenirs  at  a  dollar 
apiece  for  any  other  reason  than  that  they  contained 
a  bit  of  the  stolen  clapper?" 

Hickey  smiled  proudly. 

"  They  may  have  been  under  that  impression." 

"  Because  you  told  them !  " 

"  No,  sir,"  said  Hickey  with  righteous  anger. 
"You  have  no  right,  sir,  to  say  such  a  thing.  On 
the  contrary,  I  refused  to  answer  one  way  or  the 
other.  You  listened  this  afternoon  from  your  win 
dow  and  you  heard  exactly  my  answer.  If  you  will 


126  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

do  me  the  justice,  sir,  to  tell  the  Doctor  what  I  did 
say,  I  shall  be  very  much  obliged  to  you." 

"  Enough,  Hicks,"  said  the  head  master  with  a 
frown.  "  Answer  me  directly.  Are  these  watch 
charms  made  up  out  of  the  original  clapper  ?  " 

"No,  sir." 

The  Doctor,  in  his  turn,  looked  amazed. 

"  Come,  Hicks,  that  is  not  possible,"  he  said.  "  I 
warn  you  I  shall  trace  them  without  any  difficulty." 

Then  Hickey  smiled,  a  long  delicious  smile  of 
culminating  triumph.  Slowly  he  drew  forth  from 
his  pocket  an  envelope,  from  which  he  produced 
a  legal  document. 

"  If  you  will  kindly  read  this,  sir,"  he  said,  tend 
ing  it  with  deepest  respect. 

The  Doctor  took  it,  glanced  curiously  at  Hickey, 
and  then  began  to  read.  Presently  his  face  relaxed, 
and  despite  a  struggle  a  smile  appeared.  Then  he 
handed  the  document  to  Mr.  Tapping,  who  read  as 
follows : 

I,  John  J.  Goodsell,  representing  the  firm  of 
White,  Brown  and  Bangs,  jewellers  of  Trenton,  New 
Jersey,  take  oath  that  I  have  this  day  engaged  to 
manufacture  for  William  Orville  Hicks  of  the  Law- 


FURTHER   PERSECUTION   OF  RICKEY   127 

renceville  school  250  small  clappers,  design  sub 
mitted,  of  iron  plated  with  silver,  and  that  the  iron 
which  forms  the  foundation  comes  from  scrap-iron 
entirely  furnished  by  us. 

Sworn  to  in  the  presence  of  notary. 

JOHN  J.  GOODSELL. 

Attached  to  the  document  was  a  bill  as  follows : 

William  Orville  Hicks,  Dr., 

To  White,  Brown  and  Bangs. 

250  silver  gilt  clappers,  at  lie  apiece.  .  .  .   $27.50 
Received  payment. 


MAKING   FRIENDS 


"  THAT  was  just  before  I  licked  Whitey  Brown,"  said 
Lazelle,  alias  Gazelle,  alias  the  Rocky  Mountain  Goat 
and  the  Gutter  Pup.  "  Cracky,  that  was  a  fight !  " 

"  How  many  rounds  ?  "  asked  Lovely  Mead,  dis 
robing  for  the  night. 

"Eleven  and  a  half.  Knocked  him  to  the  count 
128 


MAKING   FRIENDS  129 

in  the  middle  of  the  twelfth  with  a  left  jab  to  the 
bellows,"  said  the  Gutter  Pup  professionally.  "  He 
weighed  ten  pounds  more  than  me.  Ever  do  any 
fighting  ?  " 

"  Sure,"  said  the  new  arrival  instantly. 

"  How  many  times  ?  " 

"  Oh,  I  can't  remember." 

"  You  don't  look  it." 

"Why  not?" 

"  Your  complexion's  too  lovely ;  and  you're  only  a 
shaver,  you  know." 

"  I'm  fifteen,  almost  sixteen,"  said  Lovely,  bri 
dling  up  and  surveying  his  new  roommate  with  a  cal 
culating  glance.  "  How  old  are  you?  " 

"I've  been  three  years  at  Lawrenceville,  fresh 
man,"  said  the  Gutter  Pup  severely.  "  That's  the 
difference.  What's  your  longest  fight?" 

"Twenty-one  rounds,"  said  Lovely,  promptly. 

"  Oh,"  said  the  Gutter  Pup  in  profound  disap 
pointment.  "  He  licked  you?  " 

"  No." 

"You  licked  him?" 

"  No." 

"What  then?" 

"  They  stopped  us." 


130  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

"Huh!" 

"  We  had  to  let  it  go  over  to  the  next  day." 

"And  then?" 

"  Then  I  put  him  out  in  the  thirteenth." 

"Yes,  you  did!" 

"  Yes,  I  did." 

The  two  fiery-haired  champions  stood  measuring 
each  other  with  their  glances.  Lovely  Mead  ran  his 
eye  over  the  wiry  arms  and  chest  opposite  him  and 
wondered.  The  Gutter  Pup  in  veteran  disdain  was 
about  to  remark  that  Lovely  was  a  cheerful  liar 
when  the  tolling  of  the  gym  bell  broke  in  on  a  dan 
gerous  situation.  The  Gutter  Pup  dove  into  bed 
and,  reaching  for  a  slipper,  hurled  it  across  the 
room,  striking  the  candle  fair  and  square  and  plung 
ing  the  room  into  darkness. 

"  I  learned  that  trick,"  he  said,  "  the  year  I  put 
the  Welsh  Rarebit  to  sleep  in  six."  He  stopped 
and  ruminated  over  Lovely's  story  of  his  two-day 
fight,  and  then  spoke  scornfully  from  the  dark :  "  I 
never  fought  anybody  over  eleven  rounds.  I  never 
had  to." 

Lovely  heard  and  possessed  his  soul  in  patience. 
He  was  on  his  second  day  at  the  school,  his  spirit  not 
a  whit  subdued,  though  considerably  awed,  by  the 


MAKING   FRIENDS  x      131 

sacred  dignities  of  the  old  boys.  He  liked  the  Gut 
ter  Pup,  with  one  reservation,  and  that  was  an  in 
stinctive  antagonism  for  which  there  was  no  logical 
explanation.  But  at  the  first  fistic  reminiscence  of 
the  Gutter  Pup  he  had  sought  in  his  soul  anxiously 
and  asked  himself,  "  Can  I  lick  him?  "  Each  time 
the  question  repeated  itself  he  felt  an  overwhelming 
impulse  to  throw  down  the  gage  and  settle  the  awful 
doubt  then  and  there.  It  was  pure  instinct,  nothing 
more.  The  Gutter  Pup  was  really  a  good  sort  and 
had  adopted  him  in  quite  a  decent  way  without 
taking  an  undue  advantage.  In  fact,  Lovely  was 
certain  that  in  his  roommate  he  had  met  the  con 
genial  soul,  the  chum,  the  best  friend  among  all 
friends  for  whom  he  had  waited  and  yearned.  His 
heart  went  out  to  the  joyous,  friendly  Gazelle,  but 
his  fingers  -contracted  convulsively.  Theirs  was  to 
be  an  enduring  friendship,  a  sacred,  Three  Mus 
keteer  sort  of  friendship — after  one  small  detail  was 
settled. 

The  next  morning  Lovely  Mead  bounded  up  with 
the  rising  bell  and  started  nervously  to  dress.  There 
was  a  lazy  commotion  in  the  opposite  bed,  and  then, 
after  a  few  languid  movements  of  the  covers,  the 
Gutter  Pup's  reddish  head  appeared  in  surprise. 


133  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

"  Why,  Lovely,  what  are  you  doing?  " 

"Dressing.     Didn't  you  hear  the  bell?" 

"  Jimminy  crickets,  what  a  waste,  what  an  awful 
waste  of  time,"  said  the  Gutter  Pup,  luxuriously, 
stretching  his  arms  and  yawning.  "  Say,  Lovely,  I 
like  you.  You're  a  good  sort  and  that  was  a  rattlin* 
plucky  tackle  you  made  yesterday.  Say,  we're  go 
ing  to  get  on  famously  together,  only,  Lovely,  you 
are  green,  you  know." 

"  I  suppose  I  am." 

"You  are.  Of  course,  you  can't  help  it,  you 
know.  Every  one  starts  that  way.  Lordy,  Lovely, 
you  remind  me  of  the  first  time  I  hit  this  old  place, 
three  weeks  after  I  fought  Mucker  Dennis,  of  the 
Seventy-second  Street  gang." 

Lovely  Mead's  gorge  swelled  up  with  indignation. 
To  hide  his  emotion,  he  plunged  his  head  into  the 
basin  and  emerged  dripping. 

"  I  say,  Lovely,  I  must  give  you  some  pointers," 
said  the  Gutter  Pup  affably.  "  Everything  de 
pends,  you  know,  on  the  start.  You  want  to  stand 
in  with  the  masters,  you  know.  Study  hard  the 
first  week  and  get  your  lessons  down  fine,  and  work 
up  their  weak  points,  and  you'll  slide  through  the 
term  with  ease  and  pleasure." 


MAKING   FRIENDS  133 

"  What  are  these  weak  points  ?  "  inquired  Lovely 
from  the  depths  of  a  clean  shirt. 

"  Oh,  I  mean  the  side  they're  most  approachable. 
Now  the  Roman,  you  know,  when  he  makes  a  joke 
you  always  want  to  laugh  as  though  you  were  going 
to  die." 

"Does  he  make  many  jokes?"  asked  Lovely. 

"  Cracky,  yes.  Then  there's  one  very  important 
one  he  makes  around  Thanksgiving  that  every  one 
watches  for.  I'll  put  you  on,  but  you  must  be  very 
careful." 

"What?  The  same  joke  every  year?"  said 
Lovely. 

"  Regular.  It's  about  Volturcius  in  Caesar — the 
*  c '  is  soft,  you  know,  but  you  have  to  pronounce  it 
— Vol-turk-ious." 

"Why   so?" 

"  So  the  Roman  can  say,  *  No-o,  no-o,  not  even 
the  near  approach  of  Thanksgiving  will  justify 
such  a  pronunciation.'  See?  That's  the  cue  to 
laugh  until  the  tears  wet  the  page.  It's  most 
important." 

"  What  about  the  Doctor?  " 

"Easy,  dead  easy;  just  ask  questions,  side-path 
questions  that'll  lead  him  away  from  the  lesson  and 


1S4  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

give  him  a  chance  to  discourse.  Say — another 
thing,  Lovely,  don't  go  and  buy  anything  in  the  vil 
lage  ;  let  me  do  that  for  you." 

"  Thanks." 

"  I'm  on  to  their  games,  you  know ;  I'm  wise.  Oh, 
say,  another  pointer — about  the  jigger-shop.  You 
want  to  build  up  your  credit  with  Al,  you  know." 

"  How  d'you  mean  ?  " 

"  The  best  way  is  to  get  trusted  right  off  while 
you've  got  the  chink  and  then  pay  up  promptly  at 
the  end  of  a  week,  and  repeat  the  operation  a  couple 
of  times.  Then  Al  thinks  you're  conscientious  about 
debts  and  that  sort  of  thing,  and  when  the  hard-up 
months  come  he'll  let  you  go  the  limit." 

'*  I  say,  Lazelle,"  said  Lovely,  admiringly,  "  you've 
got  it  down  pretty  fine,  haven't  you?  It's  real 
white  of  you  to  look  after  me  this  way." 

"  You're  all  right,"  said  the  Gutter  Pup,  still  loll 
ing  in  bed.  "  All  you  want  is  to  lay  low  for  a 
month  or  so  and  no  one'll  bother  you.  Besides,  I'll 
see  to  that." 

"  Thank  you." 

"You  see,  Lovely,  I've  taken  a  fancy  to  you:  a 
real,  live,  fat,  young  fancy.  You  remind  me  of 
Bozy  Walker  that  was  fired  for  introducing  geese 


MAKING   FRIENDS  135 

into  the  Muffin  Head's  bedroom ;  dear  old  Bozy,  he 
stood  up  to  me  for  seven  rounds." 

Lovely  Mead  dropped  the  hairbrush  in  his  agita 
tion  and  drew  a  long  breath.  How  much  longer 
could  his  weak  human  nature  hold  out?  Downstairs 
the  gong  began  to  call  them  to  breakfast.  With 
the  first  sound  the  Gutter  Pup  was  in  the  middle  of 
the  floor,  out  of  his  pajamas  and  into  his  clothes 
before  the  gong  had  ceased  to  ring.  He  plunged 
his  head  into  the  basin  already  filled  with  water, 
dried  himself,  parted  the  moist  hair  with  one  sweep 
ing  stroke  of  his  comb,  snapped  a  dickey  about  his 
neck  and  struggled  into  his  coat  while  Lovely  was 
still  staring  with  amazement. 

"  That's  the  way  it's  done,"  said  the  Gutter  Pup, 
triumphantly.  "  There's  only  one  fellow  in  the 
school  can  beat  me  out,  and  that's  that  old  Hickey, 
over  in  the  Dickinson;  but  I'll  beat  him  yet.  Are 
you  ready  ?  Come  on !  " 

The  trouble  was  that  the  Gutter  Pup  was  abso 
lutely  unaware  of  the  disturbance  in  Lovely's  mind, 
or  that  his  reminiscences  provoked  such  thoughts  of 
combat.  He  took  Lovely  to  the  village  and  fitted 
him  out,  hectoring  the  tradesmen  and  smashing 
prices  with  debonair  impudence  that  Lovely  sneak- 


136  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

ingly  envied.  Certainly  the  Gutter  Pup  was  un 
usually  cordial  and  did  not  in  the  least  make  him 
feel  the  indignities  of  his  position  of  newcomer,  as 
he  had  a  right  to  do. 

After  supper  they  worked  on  the  arrangement  of 
their  room.  The  Gutter  Pup  grew  ecstatic  as 
Lovely  produced  his  treasures  from  the  bottom  of 
the  trunk. 

"My  aunt's  cat's  kittens!"  he  ejaculated  as 
Lovely  produced  a  set  of  pennants  in  gaudy  ar 
rangement.  "  Will  we  have  the  boss  room,  though ! 
Lovely,  you  are  a  treasure!  This  will  make  the 
Waladoo  Bird  turn  pale  and  weep  for  sorrow.  Sup- 
posin'  we  ruminate." 

They  ranged  their  accumulated  possessions  on  the 
floor,  and  sat  back  to  consider. 

"  Well,"  said  the  Gutter  Pup,  "  let's  begin  by  put 
ting  the  cushions  on  the  window-seat  and  the  rugs 
on  the  floor.  Now  the  question  is — what's  to  have 
the  place  of  honour?  " 

"  What  have  you  got  ?  "  asked  Lovely,  considering. 

"  I've  got  a  signed  photograph  of  John  L.  Sulli 
van,"  said  the  Gutter  Pup,  proudly  producing  it. 
"  It  used  to  be  cleaner,  but  Butsey  White  blew  up 
with  a  root-beer  bottle  and  spattered  it." 


MAKING   FRIENDS  137 

"  Is  it  his  own  signature  ?  "  inquired  Lovely,  gaz 
ing  in  awe. 

"  Sure.  Dear  old  John  L.  He  was  a  fighter. 
Now,  what  have  you  got  ?  " 

"  I've  got  a  picture  of  an  actress." 

"Honest?" 

"  Sure." 

"Who  is  it?" 

"  Maude  Adams." 

"  You  don't  say  so !  " 

"Fact." 

"It  isn't  signed,  Lovely — it  can't  be?" 

"  It  is." 

"  Cracky !  That  is  a  prize.  Maude  Adams ! 
Think  of  it !  What  will  the  Waladoo  Bird  say?  " 

The  Gutter  Pup  gazed  reverently  at  the  priceless 
photograph  and  said  in  a  breath: 

"  Maude  Adams  and  John  L. ;  think  of  it,  Lovely !  " 
He  paused  and  added  in  a  burst  of  gratitude :  "  Say, 
you  can  call  me  Gazelle  or  Razzle-dazzle  now,  if  you 
want;  afterward  we'll  see  about  Gutter  Pup." 

Lovely  was  too  overcome  by  this  advance  to  voice 
his  feelings,  but  his  heart  went  out  to  his  new  friend, 
all  irritation  forgotten.  After  long  discussion  it  was 
decided  that  the  two  photographs,  being  of  unique 


138  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

and  equal  value,  should  be  hung  side  by  side  on  the 
background  of  an  American  flag.  The  pennants 
were  strung  as  a  border  around  the  walls,  but  were 
speedily  hidden  under  an  imposing  procession  of 
light-weight  and  middle-weight  champions,  sporting 
prints,  posters  and  lithographic  reproductions  of 
comic  opera  favourites,  boxing  gloves,  fencing  masks, 
lacrosse  sticks,  Japanese  swords,  bird  nests,  stolen 
signs,  photographs  of  athletic  teams,  cotillon  favours 
and  emblems  of  the  school  and  the  Woodhull.  They 
stopped  and  gazed  in  awe  and  admiration,  and  falling 
gleefully  into  each  other's  arms,  executed  a  dance 
about  the  room.  Then  Lovely  Mead,  in  an  unthink 
ing  moment,  standing  before  the  photograph  of  the 
mighty  John  L.,  exclaimed:  "Say,  Gazelle,  isn't  he 
a  wonder,  though !  How  long  have  you  had  it  ?  " 

"  I  got  it,"  said  the  Gutter  Pup,  putting  his  head 
on  one  side  and  reflecting,  "  right  after  I  fought 
Whitey  Brown — just  before  my  mill  with  Doggie 
Shephard — a  year  and  a  half  ago,  I  should  say." 

All  the  joy  of  the  home-building  left  Lovely.  He 
sat  down  on  the  bed  and  pulled  at  his  shoestrings 
so  viciously  that  they  broke  off  in  his  hand. 

"What's  the  matter?"  said  the  Gutter  Pup  in 
surprise. 


MAKING   FRIENDS  139 

«  Nothing." 

"  You  look  sort  of  put  out." 

"  Oh,  no." 

"  Whitey  was  a  tough  one,"  resumed  the  Gutter 
Pup,  lolling  on  the  window-seat,  "  but  Doggie  was 
no  great  shakes.  Too  fat  and  overgrown.  He  did 
look  big,  but  he  had  no  footwork  and  his  wind  was 
bad — very  bad." 

Lovely  Mead  listened  with  averted  eyes. 

If  he  had  only  been  an  old  boy  he  would  have 
thrown  down  the  gauntlet  then  and  there ;  but  he  was 
a  freshman  and  must  check  the  tugging  within.  Be 
sides,  there  must  be  some  excuse.  He  could  not 
openly,  out  of  clear  sky,  provoke  an  old  boy  who  had 
taken  him  under  his  protection  and  had  done  every 
thing  to  make  him  feel  at  home.  Such  an  act  would 
be  fresh,  and  would  bring  down  on  him  the  condem 
nation  of  the  whole  school. 

"  Why  the  deuce  should  I  care,  after  all  ? "  he 
asked  himself  gloomily  that  night.  "  What  differ 
ence  does  it  make  how  many  fellows  he's  licked.  I 
suppose  it's  because  I'm  a  coward.  That's  it;  it's 
because  I'm  afraid  that  he  would  lick  me  that  it 
rankles  so.  Am  I  a  coward,  after  all,  I  wonder  ?  " 

This  internal  questioning  became  an  obsession.  It 


140  THE    PRODIGIOUS    RICKEY 

clouded  his  days  and  took  the  edges  from  the  keen 
joy  of  romping  over  the  football  field  and  earning 
the  good  word  of  Tough  McCarthy  for  his  neat  div 
ing  tackles.  Could  the  Gutter  Pup  lick  him,  after 
all?  He  wondered,  he  debated,  he  doubted.  He 
began  to  brood  over  it  until  he  became  perfectly  un 
approachable,  and  the  Gutter  Pup,  without  a  sus 
picion  of  the  real  cause,  began  to  assure  Hasbrouck 
that  Lovely  was  being  overtrained. 

Meanwhile,  matters  were  approaching  a  crisis 
with  Lovely.  Each  morning  he  calculated  the 
strength  of  the  Gutter  Pup's  chest  and  arms,  and 
wondered  what  was  the  staying  power  of  his  legs. 
Sometimes  he  admitted  to  himself  that  he  wouldn't 
last  three  rounds.  At  others  he  figured  out  a  whole 
plan  of  campaign  that  must  wear  down  the  Gutter 
Pup  and  send  him  to  a  crashing  defeat.  Waking, 
he  went  through  imaginary  rounds,  received  without 
wincing  tremendous,  imaginary  blows,  and  sent  in 
sledge-hammer  replies  that  inevitably  landed  the 
champion  prone  on  his  back.  At  night  his  dreams 
were  a  long  conglomeration  of  tussling  and  battle 
in  the  most  unexpected  places.  He  fought  the  Gut 
ter  Pup  at  the  top  of  the  water-tower  and  saw  him 
vanish  over  the  edge  as  the  result  of  a  smashing  blow 


MAKING   FRIENDS  141 

on  the  point  of  the  jaw;  he  fought  him  on  the  foot 
ball  field  and  in  the  classroom,  while  the  Roman  held 
the  watch  and  the  head  master  insisted  on  referee- 
ing. 

The  worst  of  it  was,  he  knew  he  was  going  to  pieces 
and  moping  in  a  way  to  render  himself  a  nuisance  to 
all  his  associates;  and  yet  he  couldn't  help  it.  Try 
as  he  would  to  skip  the  mention  of  any  subject  that 
could  be  tagged  to  a  date,  every  now  and  then  an 
opening  would  come,  and  the  Gutter  Pup  would  be 
gin:  "Let  me  see;  that  must  have  been  just  after 
I  fought " 

At  last,  one  night,  unable  to  bear  the  strain  longer, 
Lovely  went  to  his  room  resolved  to  end  it.  He 
bided  his  opportunity,  gazing  with  unseeing  eyes 
at  the  pages  of  the  divine  Virgil.  Finally  he  raised 
his  head  and  said,  abruptly :  "  Say,  Lazelle,  what  do 
you  think  of  our  chances  for  the  football  champion 
ship?" 

"  Fair,  only  fair,"  said  the  Gutter,  glad  for  any 
excuse  to  stop  studying.  "  The  Davis  and  the  Dick 
inson  look  better  to  me." 

"  How  long  has  it  been  since  we  won  ? "  said 
Lovely,  scarcely  breathing. 

"  Let  me  see,"  said  the  Gutter  Pup,  unsuspecting. 


THE    PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

"  We  won  the  fall  I  fought  Legs  Brownell  behind  the 
Davis  house." 

"  Lazelle,"  said  Lovely,  rising  desperately,  "  I  can 
lick  you ! " 

"What?" 

"  I  can  lick  you !  " 

"  Hello,"  said  the  Gutter  Pup,  considering  him  in 
amazement ;  "  what  does  this  mean  ?  " 

"  It  means  I  can  lick  you,"  repeated  Lovely  dog 
gedly,  advancing  and  clenching  his  fists. 

"You  want  a  fight?" 

"  I  do." 

"Why,  bully  for  you!" 

The  Gutter  Pup  considered,  joyfully,  with  a 
glance  at  the  clock. 

"  It's  too  late  now  to  pull  it  off.  We'll  let  it  go 
until  to-morrow  night.  Besides,  you'll  be  in  better 
condition  then,  and  you  can  watch  your  food,  which 
is  important.  I'll  notify  Hickey.  You  don't  mind 
fighting  by  lamplight?  " 

"Huh!" 

"  Of  course,  we'll  fight  under  the  auspices  of  the 
Sporting  Club,  with  a  ring  and  sponges  and  that 
sort  of  thing,"  said  the  Gutter  Pup  cheerfully. 
"  You'll  like  it.  It's  a  secret  organisation  and  it's  a 


MAKING   FRIENDS  143 

great  honour  to  belong.  Hickey,  at  the  Dickinson, 
got  it  up.  He's  president,  and  referees.  I'm  the 
official  timekeeper,  but  that  don't  matter.  They'll 
arrange  for  seconds  and  all  that  sort  of  thing,  and 
Doc  Macnooder  is  always  there  for  medical  assist 
ance.  You're  sure  the  lights  won't  bother  you?" 

"  No." 

"  It's  a  queer  effect,  though.  First  time  I  fought 
Snapper  Bell " 

"  Lazelle,"  said  Lovely,  choking  with  rage,  "  I 
can  lick  you,  right  now — here — and  I  don't  believe 
you  ever  licked  anyone  in  your  life ! " 

"  Look  here,  freshman,"  said  the  Gutter  Pup,  at 
once  on  his  dignity ;  "  I've  stood  enough  of  your 
impertinence.  You'll  do  just  as  I  say,  and  you'll 
act  like  a  gentleman  and  a  sport  and  not  like  a  mem 
ber  of  the  Seventy-second  Street  gang.  We'll  fight 
like  sportsmen,  to-morrow,  at  midnight,  under  the 
auspices  of  the  Sporting  Club,  in  the  baseball  cage, 
and  until  then  I'll  dispense  with  your  conversation! 
Do  you  hear  me?  " 

Lovely  Mead  felt  the  justice  of  the  reproof.  Yes, 
he  had  acted  like  a  member  of  the  Seventy-second 
Street  gang!  He  glanced  up  at  the  photograph 
(slightly  spotted)  of  John  L.,  and  he  thought  of 


144  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

Ivanhoe  and  the  Three  Musketeers,  and  Sir  Nigel 
of  the  White  Company,  and  presently  he  said,  ten 
tatively  : 

"  I  say " 

No  answer. 

"Lazelle " 

Still  no  answer. 

"  Say,  I  want  to — to  apologise.  You're  right 
about  the  Seventy-second  Street  gang.  I'm  sorry." 

"  All  right,"  said  the  Gutter  Pup,  not  quite  ap 
peased.  "  I'm  glad  you  apologised." 

"  But  we  fight  to-morrow — to  the  end — to  the 
limit!" 

"  You're  on!" 

They  spoke  no  more  that  night,  undressing  in 
silence,  each  covertly  swelling  his  muscles  and  glanc 
ing  with  stolen  looks  at  his  opponent's  knotted  torso. 
By  morning  the  Gutter  Pup's  serenity  had  re 
turned. 

"  Well,  how're  you  feeling?  How  did  you  sleep?  " 
he  asked,  poking  his  nose  over  the  coverlets. 

"Like  a  log,"  returned  Lovely,  lying  gloriously. 

"  Good.  Better  take  a  nap  in  the  afternoon, 
though,  if  you're  not  used  to  midnight  scrapping." 

«  Thanks." 


MAKING   FRIENDS  145 

"  Mind  the  food — no  hot  biscuits,  and  that  sort 
of  thing.  A  dish  of  popovers  almost  put  me  to  the 
bad  the  first  time  I  met  Bull  Dunham.  Fact,  and  he 
didn't  know  enough  to  counter." 

Lovely  dressed  and  hurriedly  left  the  room. 

At  two  o'clock,  to  his  amazement,  Charley  De 
Soto,  the  great  quarterback,  in  person,  waited  on 
him  in  company  with  the  gigantic  Turkey  Reiter, 
tackle  on  the  eleven,  and  informed  him  that  they  had 
been  appointed  his  seconds  and  anxiously  inquired 
after  his  welfare. 

"  I — oh,  I'm  doing  pretty  well,  thank  you,  sir," 
said  Lovely,  overcome  with  embarrassment  and  pride. 

"  Say,  Charley,"  said  Turkey,  after  an  approving 
examination,  "  I  kind  of  hanker  to  the  looks  of  this 
here  bantam.  He's  got  the  proper  colour  hair  and 
the  protruding  jaw.  Danged  if  I  don't  believe  he'll 
give  the  Gutter  Pup  the  fight  of  his  life." 

"  Can  you  lick  him? "  said  De  Soto,  looking 
Lovely  tensely  in  the  eyes. 

"  I'll  do  it  or  die,"  said  Lovely,  with  a  lump  in 
his  throat. 

"  Good,  but  mind  this,  youngster :  no  funking.  I 
don't  stand  second  to  any  quitter.  If  I'm  behind 
you,  you've  got  to  win." 


146  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

Lovely  thought  at  that  moment  that  death  on  the 
rack  would  be  a  delight  if  it  only  could  win  a  nod 
of  approbation  from  Charley  De  Soto. 

"  How's  your  muscles  ?  "  asked  Turkey.  He  ran 
his  fingers  over  him,  slapped  his  chest  and  punched 
his  hips,  saying: 

"  Hard  as  a  rock,  Charley." 

"  How's  your  wind?  "  said  De  Soto. 

"Pretty  well,  thank  you,  sir,"  said  Lovely,  quite 
overcome  by  the  august  presence. 

"  Now  keep  your  mind  off  things.  Don't  let  the 
Gutter  Pup  bluff  you.  Slip  over  to  the  Upper,  right 
after  lights,  and  I'll  take  charge  of  the  rest.  By 
the  way,  Turk,  who's  in  the  corner  with  the  Gutter 
Pup?" 

"  Billy  Condit  and  the  Triumphant  Egghead." 

"  Good.  We'll  just  saunter  over  and  lay  a  little 
bet.  So-long,  youngster.  No  jiggers  or  eclairs. 
See  you  later." 

"  So-long,  old  Sporting  Life,"  added  Turkey,  with 
a  friendly  tap  on  the  shoulder.  "  Mind  now,  keep 
cheerful." 

Lovely's  mood  was  not  exactly  cheerful.  In  fact 
he  felt  as  if  the  bottom  had  fallen  out  of  things.  He 
tried  his  best  to  follow  Charley  De  Soto's  advice 


MAKING   FRIENDS  147 

and  not  think  of  the  coming  encounter,  but,  do  what 
he  would,  his  mind  slipped  ahead  to  the  crowded  base 
ball  cage,  the  small,  ill-lighted  ring,  and  the  Gutter 
Pup. 

"After  all,  will  he  lick  me?"  he  said,  almost 
aloud.  His  heart  sank,  or  rather  it  was  a  depression 
in  the  pit  of  his  stomach. 

"  Supposing  he  does  ?  "  he  went  on,  pressing  his 
knuckles  against  his  teeth.  What  a  humiliation  after 
his  boast!  There  would  be  only  one  thing  to  do — 
leave  school  at  once,  and  never,  never  return! 

He  had  wandered  down  to  the  football  field  where 
the  candidates  for  the  school  eleven  were  passing  and 
falling  on  the  ball  under  the  shouted  directions  of 
the  veterans.  The  bulky  figure  of  Turkey  Reiter, 
gigantic  with  its  padded  shoulders  and  voluminous 
sweater,  hove  into  view,  and  the  tackle's  rumbling 
voice  cried  out: 

"  Hi  there,  old  Sockarooster,  this  won't  do !  Keep 
a-laughin' ;  keep  cheerful ;  tumble  down  here  and  shag 
for  me." 

Lovely  Mead  went  gratefully  to  fetch  the  balls 
that  Turkey  booted,  far  down  the  field,  to  the  waiting 
halfbacks. 

"  Feeling  a  bit  serious,  eh?  "  said  Turkey. 


148  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

«  Well " 

"  Sure  you  are.  That's  nothing.  Don't  let  the 
Gutter  Pup  see  it,  though.  He's  got  to  believe  we 
are  holding  you  in,  chaining  you  up,  keepin'  you 
under  the  bars,  'cause  you're  barking  to  get  at  him. 
Savvy  ?  Chuck  in  a  bluff,  old  sport,  and — keep  cheer 
ful.  Better  now?" 

"  Yes,  thank  you,"  said  Lovely,  who  was  in  nowise 
suffering  from  an  excess  of  hilarity. 

He  did  not  see  the  Gutter  Pup  until  supper,  and 
then  had  to  undergo  again  his  solicitous  inquiries. 
By  a  horrible  effort  he  succeeded  in  telling  a  funny 
story  at  the  table,  and  laughed  until  his  own  voice 
alarmed  him.  Then  he  relapsed  into  silence,  smiling 
furiously  at  every  remark,  and  chewing  endlessly  on 
food  that  had  no  flavour  for  him. 

"Lovely,"  said  the  Gutter  Pup  upstairs,  shaking 
his  head,  "  you  don't  look  fit ;  you're  getting  nerv 
ous." 

"  Sure,"  said  Lovely,  remembering  Turkey's  in 
junction.  "  I'm  a  high-strung,  vicious  tempera- 
ament  1 " 

"  Your  eye  acts  sort  of  loose,"  said  the  Gutter 
Pup,  unconvinced.  "  You're  new  to  fighting  before 
a  big  assemblage.  It's  no  wonder.  I  don't  want 


MAKING   FRIENDS  149 

any  accidental  advantages.  Say  the  word  and  we'll 
put  it  over." 

"  No,"  said  Lovely,  quite  upset  by  his  friendly 
offer.  "  I  only  hope,  Lazelle,  I  can  hold  myself  in. 
I've  got  an  awful  temper;  I'm  afraid  I'll  kill  a  man 
some  day." 

"  No,  Lovely,"  said  Gutter  Pup,  shaking  his  head. 
"  You  don't  deceive  me.  You  are  ill — ill,  I  tell  you, 
and  you  might  as  well  own  up." 

The  truth  was,  Lovely  was  ill  and  rapidly  get 
ting  worse  under  the  insouciance  of  the  veteran  of 
the  ring. 

"  Why,  my  aunt's  cat's  pants,  Lovely,"  said  the 
Gutter  Pup  seriously.  "  That's  nothing  to  be 
ashamed  of.  Didn't  I  get  it  the  same  way  the  first 
time  I  went  up  against  Bloody  Davis,  of  the 
Murray  Hill  gang,  on  a  bet  I'd  stick  out  three 
rounds  ?  " 

Lovely  Mead  drew  a  sigh  of  relief.  The  red  blood 
seemed  to  rush  back  into  his  veins  once  more,  and  his 
lungs  to  resume  their  appointed  functions. 

"  September's  a  good  month  for  these  little 
things,"  he  said  hopefully. 

"  October's  better,  more  snap  in  the  air,"  said  the 
Gutter  Pup.  "  September's  muggy.  I  remember 


150  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

when  I  was  matched  against  Slugger  Kelly;  it  was 
so  hot  I  lost  ten  pounds,  and  the  fight  only  went  five 
rounds,  at  that.' 

The  old  provocation  had  roused  up  the  old  antag 
onism  in  Lovely.  He  hardly  dared  trust  himself 
longer  in  the  room,  so  he  bolted  and  slipped  down  to 
the  Waladoo's  room  and  out  into  the  campus. 

"  Gee,"  he  said  to  himself,  with  a  sigh  of  relief,  "  if 
I  could  only  get  at  him  now!  " 

At  taps  he  went  cautiously  to  the  Upper,  by  the 
back  way,  and  gained  the  room  of  Charley  De  Soto, 
where  he  was  told  to  turn  in  on  the  window-seat  and 
take  it  easy. 

Presently  Turkey  Reiter  and  Macnooder  arrived 
to  discuss  the  probabilities.  Then  Bo  jo  Lowry,  who 
could  play  anything,  sat  down  at  the  piano  and  per 
formed  the  most  wonderful  variations  and  medleys, 
until  Lovely  forgot  any  future  engagement  in  the 
delight  of  gazing  from  his  cushioned  recess  on  real 
Fourth  Formers,  enjoying  the  perquisites  and  lib 
erties  of  the  Upper  House. 

Suddenly  Macnooder  glanced  at  his  watch  and  an 
nounced  that  it  was  almost  midnight.  Lovely  sprang 
up  feverishly. 

"  Here,  young  Sporting  Life,"  cried  Turkey,  "  no 


MAKING   FRIENDS  151 

champing  on  the  bit !  Just  a  dash  of  calm  and  tran 
quillity." 

"  Easy,  easy  there,"  said  De  Soto,  with  a  profes 
sional  glance. 

"  Ready  here,"  said  Macnooder,  picking  up  a 
brown  satchel.  "  I'll  bleed  him  if  he  faints." 

They  separated,  and,  on  tiptoe,  by  various  routes, 
departed  from  the  Upper,  making  wide  circles  in  the 
darkness  before  seeking  the  baseball  cage,  Lovely 
Mead  supported  on  either  side  by  Charley  De  Soto 
and  Turkey. 

They  gave  the  countersign  at  the  door,  and  were 
admitted  noiselessly  into  the  utter  blackness  of  the 
baseball  cage.  Lovely  waited  in  awe,  unable  to  dis 
tinguish  anything,  clutching  at  Turkey's  arm. 

"Is  the  Gutter  Pup  here  yet?"  said  De  Soto's 
voice,  in  a  whisper. 

Another  voice,  equally  guarded,  replied :  "  Just 
in." 

From  time  to  time  the  door  opened  on  the  starry 
night  and  vague  forms  flitted  in.  Then  other  voices 
spoke : 

"What  time  is  it?" 

"Midnight,  Hickey." 

"Lock    the    door;    no    admittance    now.      Egg- 


THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

head,  show  up  with  the  light.  Strike  up,  Morning 
Glory!" 

A  bull's-eye  flashed  out  from  one  corner,  and  then 
two  lanterns  filled  the  gloom  with  their  trembling 
flicker. 

Out  of  the  mist  suddenly  sprang  forty-odd  mem 
bers  of  the  Sporting  Club,  grouped  about  a  vacant 
square  in  the  middle  of  the  cage  which  had  been  roped 
off.  De  Soto  and  Turkey  pushed  forward  to  their 
appointed  stations,  where  chairs  had  been  placed  for 
the  principals.  Lovely  seated  himself  and  glanced 
across  the  ropes.  The  Gutter  Pup  was  already  in  his 
corner,  stripped  to  the  waist,  and  being  gently  mas 
saged  by  the  Triumphant  Egghead  and  Billy  Condit, 
captain  of  the  eleven. 

In  the  middle  of  the  ring,  Hickey,  in  his  quality  of 
president  and  referee,  was  giving  his  directions  in 
low,  quick  syllables.  The  assembled  sporting  gentle 
men  pressed  forward  for  the  advantage  of  position ; 
the  two  front  ranks  assuming  sitting  or  crouching 
positions,  over  which  the  back  rows  craned.  Lovely 
gazed  in  awe  at  the  select  assembly.  The  elite  of  the 
school  was  there.  He  saw  Glendenning,  Rock  Bemis 
and  Tough  McCarthy  of  his  own  house,  scattered 
among  such  celebrities  as  Crazy  Opdyke,  the  Mug- 


MAKING   FRIENDS  153 

wump  Politician,  Goat  Phillips,  who  ate  the  necktie, 
and  the  Duke  of  Bilgewater,  Wash  Simmons,  Cap 
Kiefer,  Stonewall  Jackson,  Tug  Moffat,  Slugger 
Jones,  Ginger-Pop  Rooker,  Cheyenne  Baxter,  Red 
Dog,  Hungry  Smeed,  and  Beauty  Sawtelle,  all  si 
lently  estimating  the  strength  of  the  freshman  who 
had  to  go  up  against  the  veteran  Gutter  Pup. 

Referee  Hickey  paid  a  quick  visit  to  the  contend 
ing  camps,  and  was  assured  that  each  antagonist  was 
restrained  from  flying  at  his  opponent's  throat  only 
by  the  combined  efforts  of  his  seconds. 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  Sporting  Club,"  said  Hickey, 
scraping  one  foot  and  shooting  his  collar,  as  referees 
do,  "  Before  proceeding  with  the  evening's  entertain 
ment,  the  management  begs  to  remind  you  that  the 
labours  incident  to  the  opening  of  the  school  have 
been  unusually  heavy — unusually  so ;  and,  as  we  par 
ticularly  desire  that  nothing  shall  be  done  to  disturb 
the  slumbers  of  our  overworked  Faculty,  we  will  ask 
you  to  applaud  only  in  the  English  fashion,  by  whis 
pering  to  your  neighbour,  '  Oh,  very  well  struck,  in 
deed,'  when  you  are  moved  to  excitement.  We  gently 
remind  you  that  any  one  breaking  forth  into  cheers 
will  be  first  slugged  and  then  expelled. 

"  Gentlemen   of  the   Sporting   Club,  I  have  the 


154  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

honour  to  present  to  you  the  evening's  contestants. 
On  the  right,  our  well-known  sporting  authority,  Mr. 
Gutter  Pup  Lazelle,  known  professionally  as  the 
Crouching  Kangaroo.  On  the  left,  Mr.  Lovely 
Mead,  the  dark  horse  from  Erie,  Pennsylvania,  who 
has  been  specially  fed  on  raw  beef  in  preparation  for 
the  encounter.  Both  boys  are  members  of  the  Wood- 
hull  branch  of  this  club.  The  rounds  will  be  of 
three  minutes  each — one  minute  intermission.  Mr. 
Welsh  Rabbit  Simpson  will  act  as  timekeeper,  and 
will  return  the  stop-watch  immediately  on  conclusion 
of  the  exercises.  Both  contestants  have  signified 
their  desire  to  abide  strictly  to  the  rules  laid  down  by 
the  late  Marquess  of  Queensberry,  bless  him!  No 
fouls  will  be  tolerated,  and  only  one  blow  may  be 
struck  in  the  break-away. 

"  In  the  corner  for  the  Gutter  Pup,  Mr.  William 
Condit,  the  tiddledy-winks  champion,  and  the  only 
Triumphant  Egghead  in  captivity. 

"  In  the  corner  for  Lovely,  Mr.  Turkey  Reiter, 
the  Dickinson  Mud  Lark,  and  Mr.  Charles  De  Soto, 
the  famous  .crochet  expert.  Doctor  Macnooder,  the 
Trenton  veterinary,  is  in  attendance,  but  will  not  be 
allowed  to  practice.  The  referee  of  the  evening  will 
be  that  upright  and  popular  sportsman,  the  Honour- 


MAKING   FRIENDS  155 

able  Hickey  Hicks.  Let  the  contestants  step  into 
the  ring." 

Lovely  was  shoved  to  his  feet  and  propelled  for 
ward  by  a  resounding  slap  on  his  shoulders  from 
Turkey  Reiter.  He  had  sat  in  a  daze,  awed  by  the 
strange,  imposing  countenances  of  the  school  celeb 
rities,  duly  submitting  to  the  invigorating  massage 
of  his  seconds,  hearing  nothing  of  the  directions 
showered  on  him.  Now  he  was  actually  in  the  ring, 
feeling  the  hard  earth  under  his  feet,  looking  into  the 
eyes  of  the  Gutter  Pup,  who  came  up  cheerfully  ex 
tending  his  hand.  Surprised,  Lovely  took  it,  and 
grinned  a  sheepish  grin. 

"  Ready — go !  "  came  the  command. 

Instantly  the  Gutter  Pup  sprang  back,  assuming 
that  low,  protective  attitude  which  had  earned  from 
Hickey  the  epithet  of  the  Crouching  Kangaroo. 
Lovely,  very  much  embarrassed,  extended  his  left 
arm,  holding  his  right  in  readiness  while  he  moved 
mechanically  forward  on  the  point  of  his  toes.  The 
Gutter  Pup,  smiling  at  him,  churned  his  arms  and 
shifted  slightly  to  one  side.  Strangely  enough, 
Lovely  felt  all  his  resentment  vanish.  He  no  longer 
had  the  slightest  desire  to  hurl  himself  on  his  an 
tagonist.  Indeed,  it  would  at  that  moment  have 


156  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

seemed  quite  a  natural  act  to  extend  his  hand  to 
the  joyful  Gutter  Pup  and  close  the  incident  with  a 
laugh.  But  there  he  was,  irrevocably  destined  to 
fight  before  the  assembled  Sporting  Club,  under 
penalty  of  everlasting  disgrace.  He  made  a  tenta 
tive  jab  and  sprang  lightly  back  from  the  Gutter 
Pup's  reply.  Then  he  moved  forward  and  back 
ward,  feinting  with  his  left  and  right,  wishing  all  the 
time  that  the  Gutter  Pup  would  rush  in  and  strike 
him,  that  he  might  attack  with  anger  instead  of  this 
weakening  mental  attitude  to  which  he  was  at  present 
a  prisoner.  Twice  the  Gutter  Pup's  blows  grazed 
his  head,  and  once  landed  lightly  on  his  chest,  with 
out  his  being  at  all  moved  from  his  calm.  The  call 
of  "  Time  "  surprised  him.  He  went  to  his  seconds 
frowning. 

"What's  wrong,  young'n?  "  said  De  Soto. 
"  You're  not  in  the  game." 

"  No,"  said  Lovely,  shaking  his  head.  "  I — I've 
got  to  get  mad  first." 

"  All  right,  that'll  come.  Keep  cool  and  play  to 
tire  him  out,"  said  De  Soto,  satisfied.  "  Make  him 
do  the  prancing  around;  don't  you  waste  any 
energy." 

"  Time !  "  whispered  the  Welsh  Rabbit. 


MAKING   FRIENDS  157 

Again  he  was  in  the  ring,  experiencing  once  more 
that  same  incomprehensible  feeling  of  sympathy  for 
the  Gutter  Pup.  The  more  he  danced  about,  shaking 
his  head  and  feinting  with  quick,  nervous  jabs,  the 
more  Lovely's  heart  warmed  up  to  him.  Wasn't  he 
a  jolly,  genial  chap,  though?  Desperately  Lovely 
strove  to  remember  some  fault,  a  word  or  a  look  that 
had  once  offended  him.  In  vain ;  nothing  came.  He 
liked  the  chap  better  than  he  had  ever  liked  any  one 
before.  He  struck  out  as  one  strikes  at  his  dearest 
friend,  and  a  low  groan  of  disgust  rose  from  the 
Sporting  Club. 

"  Ah,  put  some  steam  in  it !  " 

"  Do  you  think  you're  pickin'  cherries  ?  " 

"  That's  it— be  polite !  " 

"  Sister,  don't  hurt  little  brother !  " 

The  Welsh  Rabbit  spoke: 

"Time!" 

Not  a  real  blow  had  yet  been  struck.  Lovely  went 
to  his  corner  perplexed. 

"  That's  the  boy,"  said  De  Soto,  with  a  satisfied 
shake  of  his  head.  "  That's  the  game !  Don't  mind 
what  you  hear.  Play  the  long  game.  The  Crouch 
ing  Kangaroo  style  is  all  very  pretty,  but  it  doesn't 
save  the  wind." 


158  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

"  Never  mind  the  ballet  steps,  Sport,"  added  Tur 
key,  vigorously  applying  the  towel.  "  Hold  in,  but 
when  you  do  start,  rip  the  in'ards  out  of  things." 

"  They  think  I'm  doing  it  on  purpose,"  said  Lovely 
to  himself. 

"  Time!  "  called  the  Welsh  Rabbit. 

The  Gutter  Pup,  changing  his  tactics,  as  though 
he  had  sufficiently  reconnoitred,  began  to  attack 
with  rapid,  pestiferous  blows  that  annoyed  Lovely 
as  a  swarm  of  gnats  annoys  a  dog.  He  shook  his 
head  angrily  and  sought  an  opportunity  to  strike, 
but  the  fusillade  continued,  light  but  disconcerting. 
When  he  struck,  the  Gutter  Pup  slipped  away  or 
ducked  and  returned  smiling  and  professional  to  at 
tack.  Lovely  began  to  be  irritated  by  the  Gutter 
Pup's  complacency.  He  wasn't  serious  enough, — 
his  levity  was  insulting.  Also,  he  was  furious  be 
cause  the  Gutter  Pup  would  not  strike  him  a  blow 
that  hurt.  His  jaw  set  and  he  started  to  rush. 

"  Time!  "  said  the  Welsh  Rabbit. 

Lovely  went  to  his  corner  unconvinced. 

"  Are  the  rounds  three  minutes  ?  "  he  asked. 

"  Sure,"  said  Turkey.  "  Don't  worry ;  they'll  get 
longer." 

Lovely  looked  across  at  the  opposite  camp.     The 


MAKING   FRIENDS  159 

adherents  of  the  Gutter  Pup  were  patting  him  on  the 
back,  exulting  over  his  work. 

"  What's  he  done?  "  said  Lovely,  angrily,  to  him 
self  ;  "  that  sort  of  work  wouldn't  hurt  a  fly." 

"  Time !  "  said  the  Welsh  Rabbit. 

Lovely  walked  slowly  to  meet  the  Gutter  Pup, 
bursting  with  irritation.  He  waited,  and  as  the  Gut 
ter  Pup  attacked  he  plunged  forward,  taking  a 
blow  in  the  face,  and  drove  his  fist  joyfully  into  the 
chest  before  him.  The  Gutter  Pup  went  back  like 
a  tenpin,  staggered,  and  kept  his  footing.  When  he 
came  up  there  was  no  longer  a  smile  in  his  eyes. 

They  threw  boxing  to  the  winds.  It  was  give  and 
take,  fast  and  furious,  back  and  forth  against  the 
ropes,  and  rolling  over  and  over  on  the  ground. 

"  Time ! "  announced  the  Welsh  Rabbit,  and 
Hickey  had  to  pry  them  apart. 

Lovely  thought  the  intermission  would  never  end. 
He  sat  stolidly,  paying  no  heed  to  his  seconds'  pray 
ers  to  go  slow,  to  rest  up  this  next  round,  to  make 
the  Gutter  Pup  work.  He  would  fight  his  fight  his 
own  way,  without  assistance. 

"  Time ! "  said  the  Welsh  Rabbit. 

Lovely  started  from  his  corner  for  the  thing  that 
came  to  meet  him  without  yielding,  exchanging  blows 


160  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

without  attempt  at  blocking,  rushing  into  clinches, 
locking  against  the  heaving  chest,  looking  into  the 
strange,  wild  eyes,  pausing  for  neither  breath  nor 
rest. 

Once  he  was  rushed  across  the  ring,  fighting  back 
like  a  tiger,  and  jammed  over  the  ropes  into  the  ranks 
of  the  spectators.  Then  he  caught  the  Gutter  Pup 
off  his  balance,  and  drove  him  the  same  way,  his  arms 
working  like  pistons.  The  rounds  continued  and 
ended  with  nothing  to  choose  between  them. 

Lovely  felt  neither  the  blows  received  nor  the 
rough  rubbing-down  of  his  seconds.  He  heard  noth 
ing  but  the  sharp  cries  of  "  Time ! "  and  sometimes 
he  didn't  hear  that;  but  a  rough  hand  would  seize 
him  (was  it  Hickey's?)  and  tear  him  away  from  the 
body  against  him. 

He  went  down  several  times,  wondering  what  had 
caused  it,  quits  for  standing  moments  triumphantly, 
while  the  fallen  Gutter  Pup  raised  himself  from  the 
ground. 

Then  he  lost  track  of  the  rounds ;  and  the  rows  of 
sweaters  and  funny  white  faces  about  the  ring  seemed 
to  swell  and  multiply  into  crowds  that  stretched  far 
back  and  up.  The  lights  seemed  to  be  going  out — 
getting  terribly  dim  and  unsteady. 


MAKING   FRIENDS  163 

Once  in  his  corner  he  thought  he  heard  some  one 
say :  "  Fifteenth  round  " — fifteen,  and  he  could  re 
member  only  six.  In  fact,  he  had  forgotten  whom 
he  was  fighting  or  what  it  was  about,  only  that  some 
one  on  whose  knee  he  was  resting  was  shrieking  in  his 
ear: 

"  He's  all  out,  Lovely.  You've  got  him.  Just 
one  good  soak — just  one  lovely  one!  " 

That  was  a  joke,  he  supposed — a  poor  joke — but 
he  would  see  to  that  "  one  soak  "  the  next  round. 

"  Time !  "  cried  the  Welsh  Rabbit. 

For  the  sixteenth  time  the  seconds  raised  their 
champions,  steadied  them,  and  sent  them  forth.  One 
good  blow  would  send  either  toppling  over  to  the 
final  count.  So  they  craned  forward  in  wild  excite 
ment,  exhorting  them  in  hoarse  whispers. 

The  two  contestants  gyrated  up  and  stood  blankly 
regarding  each  other.  About  them  rose  a  murmur 
of  voices: 

"Sail  in!'* 

"  Soak  him,  Lovely ! " 

"  Clean  him  up,  Gutter  Pup ! " 

"One  to  the  jaw!" 

"  Now's  your  time !  " 

With  a   simultaneous  movement  each   raised  his 


164  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

right  and  shot  it  lumberingly  forward,  past  the  hazy, 
confronting  head,  fruitlessly  into  the  air.  Renewed 
whispers,  dangerously  loud,  arose: 

"  Now's  your  chance,  Gutter  Pup !  " 

"  Draw  off  and  smash  him !  " 

"  He's  all  yours,  Lovely ! " 

"Oh,  Lovely,  hit  him!  hit  him!" 

"Just  once!" 

They  neither  heard  nor  cared.  Their  arms  locked 
lovingly  about  their  shoulders,  and  they  began  to 
settle.  New  cries: 

"  Break  away !  " 

"  Don't  let  him  pull  you  down ! " 

"  Keep  your  feet,  Lovely !  " 

"  They're  both  going!  " 

With  a  gradual,  deliberate  motion,  Lovely  and  the 
Gutter  Pup  sat  down,  still  affectionately  embraced ; 
then,  wavering  a  moment,  careened  over  and  lay 
blissfully  unconscious.  Amazement  and  perplexity 
burst  forth. 

"  Why,  they're  done  for !  " 

"  They're  out— they're  both  out !  " 

"  Sure  enough." 

"  What  happens?  " 

"  Who  wins?" 


MAKING   FRIENDS  165 


"  Well,  did  you  ever- 


Suddenly  Hickey,  standing  forward,  began  to 
count : 

"  One,  two,  three " 

"  What's  he  doing  that  for?  " 

"Aren't  they  both  down?" 

"  Four,  five,  six,  seven " 

"  But  Lovely  went  first !  " 

"  No,  the  Gutter  Pup." 

"  Eight,  nine,  TEN!  "  cried  Hickey.  "  I  declare 
both  men  down  and  out.  The  Sporting  Club  will 
register  one  knockout  to  the  credit  of  the  Gutter 
Pup  and  one  to  Lovely  Mead.  All  bets  off.  The 
Welsh  Rabbit  will  proceed  to  return  that  watch ! ! " 

At  seven  o'clock  the  next  morning  Lovely,  from 
his  delicious  bed,  gazed  across  at  the  swollen  head  of 
the  Gutter  Pup.  At  the  same  instant  the  Gutter 
Pup,  opening  his  eyes,  perceived  the  altered  map  of 
Lovely's  features. 

"  Lovely,"  he  said  brokenly,  "  you're  the  finest 
ever.  You're  a  man  after  my  own  heart !  " 

"  Razzle-dazzle,"  replied  Lovely,  choking,  "  you're 
the  finest  sport  and  gentleman  in  the  land.  I  love 
you  better  than  a  brother." 


166  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

"  Lovely,  that  was  the  greatest  fight  that  has  ever 
been  fought,"  said  the  Gutter  Pup.  "  You  are  the 
daisy  scrapper ! " 

"  Razzle-dazzle " 

"  Call  me  Gutter  Pup." 

"  Gutter  Pup,  you've  got  the  nerve  market  cor 
nered." 

"  Lovely,  I  haven't  felt  so  happy  since  the  day  I 
stood  up  five  rounds " 

Suddenly  the  Gutter  Pup  stopped  and  added  apol 
ogetically  :  "  Say,  Lovely,  honest,  does  my  au-to- 
biography  annoy  you?  " 

And  Lovely  replied  happily: 

"  No,  Gutter  Pup,  honest — not  now." 


THE    HERO    OF    AN  HOUR 


GEORGE  BARKER  SMITH  was  one  of  the  four-hun 
dred-odd  boys  whose  names  figure  in  the  school  cata 
logue  at  the  .commencement  of  each  year.  He  had 
passed  from  the  shell  into  the  first  form,  from  the 
first  form  into  the  second,  where  he  had  remained 
an  extra  year,  during  the  elongating,  dormant  period 
of  his  growth,  and  another  year,  during  the  dormant, 
elongating  one.  Then  in  the  seventh  year  of  his  ca 
reer  he  finally  achieved  the  fourth  form  and  entered 
the  Upper  House. 

During  this  generous  stay  he  had  done  nothing 

167 


168  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

to  distinguish  himself  from  his  neighbour.  He  had 
never  accomplished  anything  heroic,  attempted  any 
thing  daring,  or  done  anything  ridiculous.  After 
seven  years  his  record  was  so  blank  that  even  the 
fertile  imaginations  of  Hickey  and  Macnooder  could 
find  nothing  on  which  to  hang  a  nickname.  Besides, 
it  is  doubtful  if  they  ever  stopped  to  think  of  George 
Barker  Smith.  He  filled  in,  he  was  the  average — a 
part  of  the  great  background  of  school  life,  which 
made  up  the  second  teams  in  athletic  contests  and 
substituted  occasionally  on  the  banjo  and  mandolin 
clubs,  after  borrowing  a  dress  suit  across  the  hall. 

He  ran  in  debt  at  the  jigger-shop,  like  everyone 
else,  or  he  might  have  been  called  Miser.  He  flunked 
in  Greek  and  mathematics  sufficiently  to  escape  the 
epithet  of  Poler.  He  had  occasionally  been  read 
out  at  roll-call  for  absence  from  bath,  thus  invali 
dating  the  right  to  Soapsuds  or  Wash. 

Sometimes,  when  his  neighbours  dropped  in  on 
him  in  quest  of  stamps  or  a  collar  or  a  jersey,  they 
called  him  affectionately  Smithy,  old  Sockarooster. 
But  he  was  not  deceived,  and  loaned  from  his  ward 
robe  with  a  full  comprehension  of  the  value  of  en 
dearing  terms.  Smithy!  After  seven  years  he  was 
just  Smithy — his  whole  story  was  there. 


THE   HERO   OF   AN   HOUR  169 

And  in  the  secret  places  of  his  heart,  which  no 
boy  reveals,  George  Barker  Smith  grieved.  Covertly 
he  felt  his  obscureness  and  rebelled.  After  seven 
years'  afflictions  he  would  pass  from  Lawrenceville 
and  be  forgotten.  And  all  for  the  lack  of  a  nick 
name!  If  Nature  had  only  formed  him  so  that  he 
might  have  aspired  to  the  appellation  of  the  Tri 
umphant  Egghead.  The  Triumphant  Egghead — 
that  was  a  name  to  be  proud  of!  Who  could  ever 
forget  that?  There  was  fame  secure  and  imperish 
able;  neither  years  nor  distance  could  dim  the  mem 
ory! 

No,  Nature  had  not  been  considerate  of  him.  His 
nose  was  just  a  nose,  not  a  Beekstein;  his  ears  were 
ordinary  ears,  not  Flop  Ears ;  his  teeth  were  regular 
and  all  present.  No  one  would  ever  call  him  Walrus 
or  Tuskarora  Smith,  which  sounds  so  well.  He  was 
not  tall  enough  to  be  called  Ladders  or  Beanpole; 
he  was  not  small  enough  for  Runt,  Tiny,  Wee-wee, 
or  The  Man.  He  was  just  average  size,  average 
weight,  which  barred  a  whole  category,  such  as 
Skinny,  Puff-Ball,  Shanks,  Slab-Sides,  Jumbo,  Flea, 
Bigboy  and  Razors. 

To  pass  into  the  world  and  be  forgotten !  To  fade 
from  the  memory  of  his  classmates  or  to  linger  in- 


170  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

distinctly  as  one  of  the  Smiths  between  Charles  D. 
and  George  R. !  And  all  for  the  lack  of  a  nickname ! 
George  Barker  Smith,  brooding  thereon,  envied  the 
Gutter  Pup,  who  likewise  rejoiced  in  the  appellation 
of  Razzle-dazzle  and  the  Rocky  Mountains  Gazelle; 
he  envied  the  Waladoo  Bird,  the  Coffee-Cooler,,  the 
Morning  Glory ;  he  envied  Two-Inches  Brown,  whose 
indiscreet  remark  that  he  needed  but  that  to  make  the 
'varsity  nine  had  at  least  enrolled  his  name  on  the 
list  of  celebrities ;  but  most  of  all  he  envied  the  Tri 
umphant  Egghead.  With  that  glorious  title  as 
model,  he  sought  in  himself  for  something  which 
might  reclaim  him — and  found  nothing.  From 
Barker  Smith  might  be  made  Doggie  or  Bow-wow 
Smith,  but  even  that  lacked  naturalness  and  applica 
tion.  No,  there  was  no  turning  his  destiny ;  Smithy 
it  was  decreed  and  Smithy  it  would  remain. 

It  was  not  fame  Smith  sought.  His  spirit  was 
not  of  the  sort  that  drags  angels  down.  Naturally 
there  had  been  periods  in  his  youth  when  he  had 
dreamed  of  reaching  the  Homeric  proportions  of 
Turkey  Reiter  or  Slugger  Jones ;  of  scurrying  over 
the  gridiron,  darting  through  a  maze  of  frantic 
tacklers  like  Flash  Condit,  who  had  scored  against 
the  Princeton  'varsity  in  that  glorious  eight  to  four 


THE   HERO   OF   AN   HOUR  171 

game ;  of  knocking  out  dramatic  home  runs  like  Cap 
Kiefer,  that  bring  joy  out  of  sorrow  and  end  in 
towering  bonfires.  These  are  glories  which  all  may 
dream  of  but  few  attain. 

Neither  did  he  ask  for  the  gif^s  of  a  Hungry 
Smeed,  for  to  possess  the  ability  to  eat  forty-nine 
pancakes  at  a  sitting  was  a  talent  that  is  not  lightly 
bestowed.  No,  he  did  not  ask  for  fame;  all  he 
asked  was  to  be  remembered;  for  some  incident  or 
accident  to  come  which  would  mark  him  with  a  glori 
ous,  fantastic  nickname  that  would  live  with  the 
Triumphant  Egghead  and  the  Duke  of  Bilgewater. 
And  Fate,  which  sometimes  listens  to  prayers,  was 
kind  and  brought  him  not  only  a  nickname  but 
fame — real  enduring  fame.  For  in  the  most  extraor 
dinary  way  it  came  to  pass  that  George  Barker 
Smith  unwittingly  accomplished  a  feat  which  no  boy 
had  ever  dared  before  and  which  it  is  extremely 
unlikely  will  ever  be  duplicated  in  the  future.  And 
this  is  the  manner  in  which  greatness  was  thrust 
upon  him. 

In  the  last  days  of  the  month  of  September  the 
school  returned  from  the  fatiguing  period  of  vaca 
tion  to  seek  recuperation  and  needed  sleep  in  the 


172  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

classrooms.  George  Barker  Smith  found  himself  at 
last  a  full-fledged  fourth  former,  one  of  the  lords 
of  the  school,  member  of  a  free  governing  body, 
with  license  to  burn  the  midnight  lamp  unchallenged, 
to  stray  into  the  village  at  all  hours,  to  visit  the  jig 
ger-shop  during  school  and  remain  tranquilly  seated 
when  a  master  bore  down  from  the  horizon,  instead 
of  joining  the  palpitating  under-formers  that  just 
at  his  back  crouched,  glasses  in  hand,  behind  the 
counter.  No  longer  did  he  have  to  stand  in  file  once 
a  week  before  the  Bursar  to  claim  a  beggarly  half- 
dollar  allowance.  Instead,  once  a  mouth  he  strolled 
in  at  his  pleasure  and  nonchalantly  tendered  checks 
for  fifty  dollars,  with  which  allowance  his  parents, 
for  one  blissful  year  only,  fondly  expected  him  to 
purchase  all  the  clothes  necessary — per  agreement. 

He  could  hire  a  buggy  at  ruinous  rates  and  dis 
appear  in  search  of  distant  cider-mills  or  visit  friends 
in  Princeton,  who  had  gone  before.  Finally,  his 
room  was  his  castle,  where  no  imperious  tapping  of 
a  lurking  undermaster  would  come  to  disturb  a  little 
party  at  the  national  game,  for  chips  only,  of  course. 

George  Barker  "Smith's  room  was  on  the  third 
floor  back  and  had  attached  to  it  certain  communal 
rights.  Even  as  the  possession  of  the  ground-floor 


THE   HERO   OF   AN   HOUR  173 

rooms  in  the  tinder-form  houses  entailed  the  obliga 
tion  to  assist  at  all  hours  of  the  night  the  passage 
to  the  outer  world,  and  to  assure  the  safe  return 
therefrom,  so  room  67  was  the  recognised  highway 
to  the  roof  of  the  Upper,  when  the  thermometer 
had  mounted  above  seventy-eight  degrees  Fahrenheit. 

Those  who  sought  the  cooling  heights  sought  se 
curity  and  (be  it  confessed,  now  that  an  inconsid 
erate  Faculty's  sanction  has  made  smoking  no  longer 
a  pleasure  but  a  choice)  the  companionship  of  the 
Demon  Cigarette  or  the  "  Coffin  Nail,"  as  it  was  more 
affectionately  known.  The  guardianship  of  this 
highway,  if  it  entailed  responsibilities,  also  brought 
with  it  certain  perquisites  and  tariffs  in  the  shape  of 
an  invitation  without  expense. 

Now,  George  Barker  Smith  did  not  like  the  odour 
of  tobacco  in  the  least,  and  he  particularly  disliked 
the  effects  produced  by  the  cheap  cigarette  which 
the  price  rendered  popular.  But  once  a  fourth 
former  there  were  so  few  rules  to  break  that  this  op 
portunity  had  to  be  embraced  as  an  imperative  duty, 
and  so  he  resigned  himself,  pretending  (like  how 
many  others!)  to  inhale  and  enjoy  it. 

The  last  weeks  of  September  were  unusually  hot 
and  distressing.  The  stiff  collar  disappeared.  Two- 


174  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

piece  suits  became  the  fashion  for  full  dress  and 
fatigue  uniform  consisted  of  considerably  less.  The 
day  was  passed  in  long,  grumbling  siestas  under  the 
shade  of  apple  trees  or  in  a  complete  surrender  to 
the  cooling  contact  of  peach  and  strawberry  jiggers. 
Even  games  lost  their  attraction,  and  the  only  sign 
of  life  was  the  pleasant  spectacle  of  the  heavy  squad 
on  the  football  team,  puffing  protestingly  about  the 
circle  under  the  cruel  necessity  of  reducing  weight. 

After  dark,  bands  were  organised  which  stole 
away,  through  negro  villages,  arousing  frantic  dogs, 
to  the  banks  of  the  not-too-fragrant  canal,  where 
they  spent  a  long,  blissful  hour  frolicking  in  the 
moonlit  water  or  raising  their  voices  in  close  har 
mony  on  the  bank.  Other  spirits,  not  so  adventur 
ous,  contented  themselves  with  lining  up  behind  the 
Upper  in  white,  shivering  line,  where  the  hose  brought 
comfort  as  it  played  over  grateful  backs. 

Naturally,  at  night,  smoking  up  the  flue,  even  with 
the  whispered  conversations  with  the  boy  below  and 
the  boy  across,  lost  all  charm.  The  roof  became  a 
veritable  rookery.  Mattresses  were  carried  up  and 
hot,  suffocating  boys  lolled  through  the  raging  night 
swapping  yarns  and  gazing  at  the  inscrutable  stars. 

On  a  certain  evening,    hot    among    the    hottest, 


THE   HERO   OF   AN   HOUR  175 

George  Barker  Smith,  in  that  costume  which  ob 
tained  before  the  publication  of  the  first  fashions, 
was  sitting-  at  his  desk  in  a  conscientious  endeavour 
to  translate  one  paragraph  of  Cicero,  which  he  held 
in  his  right  hand,  for  every  chapter  of  the  Count 
of  Monte  Cristo,  which  he  held  in  his  left. 

At  his  door  suddenly  appeared  the  Triumphant 
Egghead  and  Goat  Phillips,  whose  title  at  this  time 
had  been  -conveyed  solely  for  the  butting  manner 
of  his  attack.  Each  had  likewise  reached  that  stage 
of  dishabille  where  there  is  little  more  to  shed. 

"  Hello,  old  Sockbutts,"  said  Egghead,  genially. 

"  Hello  yourself,"  returned  Smith,  non-commit- 
tally. 

"  We're  going  up  on  the  roof,"  continued  the 
Egghead.  "  Anyone  up  yet?  " 

"  Not  yet." 

"  It's  as  hot  as  blazes,"  said  the  Goat.  "  Better 
come  along." 

"I  ought  to  finish  this  Cicero,"  said  Smith,  won 
dering  if  he  could  leave  his  hero  in  a  sack,  ready  to 
be  plunged  into  the  dizzy  waters  below. 

"  Oh,  come  on,"  said  the  Egghead ;  "  I'll  give  you 
that  when  we  come  down.  Have  you  any  matches? 
I've  got  the  coffin  nails." 


176  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

A  slight  shower  had  ended  a  few  minutes  before 
without  bringing  relief  from  the  heat. 

"  Are  you  coming?  "  said  the  Egghead,  already 
out  of  the  window.  "  Don't  be  a  grind,  Smithy." 

"  Sure,  I'm  with  you,"  replied  Smith,  thus  forced 
to  repel  the  insinuation. 

The  Goat  had  gone  first,  then  the  Egghead,  with 
Smith  bringing  up  the  rear. 

"  Look  out,  fellows,"  whispered  the  pilot,  lost  in 
the  darkness  ahead.  "  It's  slippery  as  the  deuce !  " 

The  way  led  up  a  gutter  to  the  peak  of  one  slope, 
down  that,  up  another  and  over  to  a  cranny  which 
formed  about  the  back  chimneys.  The  still  moist 
tiles  were,  in  fact,  slippery  and  treacherous,  and 
their  movements  were  made  with  calculation  and  so 
licitude. 

Smith,  arriving  the  last  at  the  top  of  the  first  peak, 
waited  until  the  Egghead  had  descended  and  climbed 
in  safety  to  the  next  ridge,  glanced  down  the  twenty 
feet  of  slippery  slate,  and,  tempted,  called  out: 

"  Look  out,  fellows,  I'm  going  to  slide !  " 

The  Goat  and  the  Egghead,  in  unison,  cried  to 
him  to  desist,  for  the  second  ridge  which  ended  the 
slope  of  the  first  had  a  downward  inclination  to- 


THE   HERO   OF   'AN   HOUR  177 

wards  the  edge  of  the  roof  that  made  it  exceedingly 
dangerous. 

Just  how  it  happened  has  never  been  satisfactorily 
settled:  whether  Smith  actually  intended  to  slide  or 
whether  he  lost  his  grip  and  started  unwillingly. 
However  it  may  be,  Egghead  and  the  Goat,  astride 
the  second  ridge,  were  suddenly  horrified  to  see 
Smith's  naked  body  shoot  down  the  slope,  strike  the 
moist  incline  at  the  bottom,  and,  bounding  down 
that,  with  increased  velocity  disappear  over  the  roof. 
They  heard  one  thud  and  then  another  in  the  gravel 
path,  three  stories  below. 

The  two  clung  to  each  other  with  a  dreadful  sink 
ing  feeling. 

"  He's  dead,"  said  the  Goat,  solemnly.  "  Poor 
old  Smith  is  dead." 

"  Squashed  like  a  bug,"  said  the  Egghead.  "  We 
won't  even  recognise  his  remains." 

"  Egghead,  it's  all  our  fault — all  our  fault." 

"  Shut  up,  Goat,  and  don't  blubber." 

"  I'm  not." 

"  You  are — for  Heaven's  sake,  brace  up  !  We've 
got  to  get  down  to  him !  " 

They  started  fearfully  over  the  treacherous  re- 


178  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

turn,  reaching  Smith's  room  thoroughly  unnerved. 
Then  they  began  to  run  down  the  stairs,  calling 
out: 

"Smithy's  dead!" 

"Smithy's  fallen  off  the  roof!" 

On  their  trail  came  a  motley  assortment  of  excited 
boys,  rushing  out  of  every  room.  Without  a  single 
hope  they  tore  around  to  the  back  of  the  Upper, 
and,  there,  sitting  bolt  upright  in  the  position  in 
which  he  had  fallen,  they  found  Georg'e  Barker 
Smith.  They  stopped  astounded. 

"  Smith,  is  that  you ! "  Egghead  said,  in  a  hoarse, 
incredulous  whisper,  and  the  answer  returned  faintly : 

"  It's  me,  Egghead." 

"  Are  you  dying?  " 

"  I  don't  know." 

"  Are  your  bones  all  broken?  " 

"  I  don't  know— I'm  full  of  gravel! " 

The  boys  gazed  astounded  up  at  the  dark  outline 
three  stories  above  them.  Half-way,  the  slanting 
roof  of  the  porch  had  broken  the  fall  and  saved  him 
from  certain  death.  They  gazed  in  silence,  and  then 
the  chprus  arose: 

"Holy  cats!" 

"  Great  snakes ! " 


THE  HERO  OF  AN  HOUR  181 

"  Marvellous ! " 

"  Can  you  beat  that ! " 

"Mamma!" 

"  Simply  marvellous ! " 

Smith,  still  in  a  comatose  condition,  caught  the 
sounds  of  astonishment,  and  suddenly  comprehended, 
first,  that  he  had  done  something  without  parallel 
in  school  history,  and,  second,  that  he  was  alive. 

"  You  fellows,  get  me  upstairs,"  he  said,  gruffly, 
"  and  send  for  Doctor  Charlie.  I  want  to  get  this 
gravel  out  of  me." 

Macnooder  and  Turkey  reverently  carried  him  to 
his  room,  while  Shy  Thomas,  who  was  clothed  in  a 
dressing-gown,  went  streaming  across  the  campus 
for  the  doctor. 

A  quick  examination  revealed  the  amazing  fact 
that  not  a  bone  had  been  fractured. 

"You've  got  a  few  bruises,  and  that's  all,  by 
George ! "  said  the  doctor,  looking  at  him  in  open- 
eyed  wonder. 

"  It's  the  gravel  that  bothers  me,"  said  Smith, 
twisting  on  his  side. 

"  You  did  sit  down  rather  hard,"  remarked  the 
doctor,  with  a  twitch  of  his  lips.  In  half  an  hour 
he  had  removed  thirty-seven  pieces  of  gravel,  large 


182  THE    PRODIGIOUS    HICKEY 

and  small,  and  departed,  after  ordering  rest  and  a 
few  days'  sojourn  in  bed. 

Hardly  had  the  doctor  departed  when  Hickey  ar 
rived,  full  of  importance  and  enthusiasm.  For  a  mo 
ment  he  stood  at  the  foot  of  the  bed  surveying  the 
bruised  hero  with  the  affectionate  and  fatherly  joy 
of  a  Barnum  suddenly  discovering  a  new  freak. 

"  My  boy,"  he  said,  happily,  "  you're  a  wonder. 
You're  great.  You're  it.  There's  been  nothing  like 
it  ever  happened.  Smithy,  my  boy,  you're  a  genius. 
You're  the  wonder  of  the  age ! " 

"  I  suppose  everyone's  excited? "  said  Smith, 
faintly  realising  that  Fate  had  touched  him  in  her 
flight  and  made  him  famous. 

"  Excited?  Why,  they're  howling  with  curiosity," 
responded  Hickey,  who,  having  cautiously  turned 
the  key  in  the  door,  returned  and  continued  with 
importance : 

"  Say,  but  I  suppose  you  don't  realise  what  we 
can  make  of  this,  do  you?  " 

"What  do  you  mean?"  said  Smith. 

"First,  where  are  those  thirty-seven  pieces  of 
gravel?  " 

"  I  threw  them  away." 

"  My  boy,  my  boy ! "  said  Hickey,  sitting  down 


THE   HERO   OF   AN   HOUR          183 

and  burying  his  head  in  his  arms.     "  Pearls  before 

swine." 

"  But  they're  over  there  in  the  basket." 
Hickey,  with  a  -cry  of  joy,  flung  himself  on  them, 

counted  them  and  thrust  them  into  his  pocket. 
"  Smith,"  he  said,  condescendingly,  "  you've  got 

certain  qualities,  I'll  admit,  but  what  you  need  is  a 
manager ! " 

"  Why,  what  are  you  thinking  of?  "  said  Smith, 
who  began  to  have  a  suspicion  of  Hickey's  plan. 

66 1  suppose  you  would  expose  your  honourable 
scars,"  said  Hickey,  disdainfully,  "to  any  one  who 
asks  to  see  them?  " 

"Why  not?" 

"  Just  out  of  friendliness  ?  " 

"Yes." 

"  Smith,  you  are  a  nincompoop !  Why,  my  boy, 
there's  money  in  it — big  money.  Never  thought  of 
that,  eh?  " 

"How  so?" 

"  Exhibitions — paid  exhibitions,  my  boy !  We'll 
organise  the  greatest  side-show  ever  known." 

Smith  blushed  at  the  thought. 

"Won't  it  be  rather  undignified?  "  he  said  doubt 
fully. 


184  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

"  Dignity,  rats ! "  said  Hickey.  "  Talk  to  me  of 
dignity  when  you  hear  the  gold  rattling  in  your 
pocket,  when  you  lodge  in  a  marble  palace  and  drive 
fast  horses  up  Fifth  Avenue.  My  boy,  you  don't 
known  what  you're  worth.  I'll  have  Macnooder  pa 
per  the  campus  to-morrow.  I'll  get  up  scareheads 
that'll  bring  every  mother's  son  of  them  scampering 
here  to  see  you." 

"  What  do  I  get  out  of  it  ?  "  said  Smith  cautiously. 

"Half!" 

"You  low-down  robber!" 

"  Who  had  the  idea?  Would  you  ever  have  made 
a  cent  if  it  hadn't  been  for  me?  Do  you  suppose 
any  attraction  ever  makes  as  much  as  his  manager? 
My  boy,  I'm  generous !  I  oughtn't  to  do  it !  Come 
now — is  it  a  go  ?  " 

"Well— yes!" 

"Wait — till  you  see  the  posters,"  said  Hickey, 
squeezing  his  hand  joyfully,  "  and  mind,  no  private 
exhibitions.  Promise?" 

"  I  promise." 

"Under  oath?" 

"  So  help  me." 

"Ta,  ta." 

Left  at  last  alone,  George  Barker  Smith  could 


THE   HERO    OF   AN   HOUR  185 

hardly  seize  the  full  measure  of  his  future.  Hickey 
was  right,  it  was  the  biggest  thing  that  had  ever  hap 
pened.  In  one  short  hour  everything  had  changed. 
Now  he  was  of  the  elect — a  part  of  history,  a  tale  to 
be  told  over  whenever  one  old  graduate  would  meet 
another.  Even  Hungry  Smeed's  great  pancake  rec 
ord  would  have  to  be  placed  second  to  this.  Other 
more  distinguished  appetites  might  come  who  would 
achieve  fifty  pancakes,  but  no  boy  would  ever  go 
the  path  he  had  gone.  He  was  famous  at  last.  At 
Prom  and  Commencement  he  would  be  pointed  out 
to  visitors  in  the  company  of  Hickey,  Flash  Condit, 
Cap  Kiefer  and  Turkey  Reiter.  Only  yesterday  he 
was  plain  George  Barker  Smith,  to-morrow  he  might 
be  ... 

What  would  the  morrow  bring?  Who  would  name 
him?  Would  it  be  Hickey,  Macnooder  or  Turkey  or 
the  Egghead,  or  would  some  unsuspected  classmate 
find  the  happy  expression  ?  He  hoped  that  it  would  be 
something  picturesque,  but  a  little  more  dignified 
than  the  Triumphant  Egghead.  He  tried  to  imag 
ine  what  the  nickname  would  be.  Of  course,  there 
were  certain  obvious  appellations  that  immediately 
suggested  themselves,  such  as  Roofie,  Jumper,  or, 
better  still,  Plunger  Smith.  There  was  also  Tattoo 


186  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

and  Rubber  and  Sliding,  but  somehow  none  of  these 
seemed  to  measure  up  to  the  achievement,  and  in  this 
delightful  perplexity  Smith  fell  asleep. 

OLD   IRONSIDES 

THE    GREATEST   SIDE-SHOW   OK    EARTH    ON    EXHIBITION 
AT    BOOM    67    UPPER 

MANAGEMENT— Hicks  &  Macnooder. 
Come  one,  Come  all!    Come  and  View  the  HUMAN  ME 
TEOR,  THE  YOUNG  RUBBER  PLANT,  THE  FAMOUS 
PLUNGING      ROCKET,      THE      WORLD  -  RENOWNED 
SMITH,  THE  BOY  GRAVEL  YARD! 

Come  and  see  the  honourable  scars!  No  private  exhibition. 
This  afternoon  only!  Old  Ironsides  is  under  contract  not  to 
bathe  in  the  canal  this  fall.  This  is  your  one  and  only  oppor 
tunity  to  see  the  results  of  Old  Ironsides'  encounter  with  the 
gravel  path! 

Come  and  see  the  37  original  guaranteed  and  authentic  bits 
of  gravel  which  dented  but  could  not  penetrate! 

ADMISSION,  5  CENTS        FRESHMEN,  10  CENTS 

$500  REWARD  $500 

To  any  one  who  will  duplicate  this  mad,  death-defying  feat 
MR.  MACNOODER,  on  behalf  of  Old  Ironsides,  will  offer 
the  above  reward.  Doctor's  or  Undertaker's  bills  to  be  shared 
in  case  of  failure. 

ROOM  67  ROOM  67 

Exhibition  begins  at  2  o'clock. 

The  above   posters,  prominently   displayed,   pro 
duced  a  furore.     By  two  o'clock  fully  one  hundred 


THE   HERO    OF   AN   HOUR          187 

boys  were  in  line  before  room  67.  At  two  o'clock 
Hickey  addressed  the  crowd. 

"  Gentlemen,  unfortunately  a  slight  delay  has  be 
come  necessary — only  a  slight  delay.  Mr.  Ironsides 
Smith's  sense  of  natural  delicacy  is  at  present  strug 
gling  with  Mr.  Ironsides  Smith's  desire  not  to  dis 
appoint  his  many  friends  and  admirers.  Just  a 
slight  delay,  gentlemen — just  a  slight  delay." 

A  cry  of  protest  went  up  and  Hickey  disappeared. 
At  the  end  of  five  minutes  he  returned  radiant,  an 
nouncing: 

"  Gentlemen,  I  am  very  glad  to  announce  to  you 
that  Old  Ironsides  will  not  disappoint  his  many  ad 
mirers.  Only  we  wish  it  to  be  understood  that  this 
is  a  strictly  scientific  exhibition  with  an  educational 
purpose  in  view.  No  levity  will  be  tolerated.  The 
exhibition  is  about  to  begin.  Have  your  nickels  in 
hand,  gentlemen;  ten  cents  for  freshmen,  with  the 
privilege  of  shaking  hands  with  Old  Ironsides  him 
self  !  Absolutely  unique,  absolutely  unique !  " 

When  the  last  spectator  had  filed  out,  Hickey,  Mac- 
nooder  and  Smith  divided  fifteen  dollars  and  twenty 
cents  as  pure  profit,  of  which  sum  the  gravel-stones 
had  brought  no  less  than  a  third. 

When  on  the  fourth  day  Smith  was  able  painfully 


188  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

to  descend  the  stairs  and  circulate  in  the  world  again 
he  felt  the  full  delight  of  his  newly-acquired  fame. 
At  the  jigger-shop,  Al  graciously  waved  aside  his 
tendered  money,  saying: 

"  I  guess  it's  up  to  me,  Ironsides,  to  stand  treat. 
Such  things  don't  happen  every  day.  Go  ahead — do 
your  worst." 

Bill  Appleby  and  "  Mista  "  Laloo,  the  rival  livery 
men,  Bill  Orum,  the  cobbler,  Barnum  of  the  village 
store,  even  Doc  Cubberly,  the  bell-ringer,  with  his 
little  dog,  stopped  to  watch  him  pass.  When  he 
crossed  the  campus  youngsters  gambolled  up  to  his 
side  with  solicitous  inquiries  and  the  inevitable: 

"  Say,  weren't  you  awfully  scared?  " 

Even  in  the  classroom  the  Roman,  after  flunking 
him,  would  say: 

"  That  will  do  now,  Smith.  You  may  sit  down — 
gently." 

So  he  was  now  "  Old  Ironsides."  He  liked  the  name 
and  was  proud  of  it.  It  had  a  certain  grim,  uncom 
promising  sternness  about  it  that  lent  it  dignity.  It 
sounded  well  and  it  had  patriotic  associations. 

For  a  whole  week  he  knew  the  intoxication  of  pop 
ularity,  of  being  the  celebrity  of  the  hour,  of  the 
thrill  that  runs  up  and  down  the  back  when  a  dozen 


THE   HERO   OF   AN   HOUR          189 

glances  are  following,  and  the  music  of  a  mur 
mured  name,  admiringly  pronounced.  Then  abruptly 
another  hero  was  exalted  and  he  fell. 

One  evening  after  supper,  while  the  fourth  form 
lounged  on  the  esplanade  of  the  Upper,  Turkey 
Reiter  and  Slugger  Jones  amused  themselves  with 
teasing  Goat  Phillips,  who,  being  privileged  by  his 
diminutive  size,  responded  by  butting  his  tormentors 
in  vigorous  fashion. 

"  My,  what  an  awful  rambunctious,  great  big 
Goat,"  said  Reiter,  defending  himself.  "  Do  goats 
eat  neckties  ?  " 

"  I'll  eat  yours,"  responded  the  youngster  reck 
lessly. 

"  Ten  double  jiggers  to  one  you  can't  do  it,"  said 
Slugger  Jones,  lazily. 

"  Give  me  the  tie,"  responded  Phillips. 

More  to  continue  the  joke  than  for  any  other 
reason,  Turkey  detached  the  green  and  yellow  cross 
tie,  which  was  his  joy,  and  tendered  it.  What  was 
his  amazement  to  see  Goat  Phillips  calmly  set  to  work 
to  devour  it,  and  to  devour  it  to  the  very  last  shred 
in  the  most  classic  goat-fashion. 

When  he  had  swallowed  the  last  mouthful  he  stood 
stock-still  and  gazed  at  his  shrieking  audience.  Then 


190  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

he  began  to  have  doubts ;  then  he  began  to  have  pre 
monitions.  Then  he  ended  by  having  settled  on 
rather  the  most  unsettling  convictions.  The  con 
sideration  of  the  act  came  after  the  accomplishment, 
but  it  came  with  terrifying  force.  What  would  hap 
pen  now? 

"  Turkey,"  he  said,  grown  very  solemn,  "  you 
don't  think  I'm  going  to  be  poisoned,  do  you  ?  " 

Turkey  became  serious  at  once.  Everyone  became 
serious. 

"  What  do  you  fellows  think?  "  said  Turkey,  ad 
dressing  the  crowd. 

No  one  had  any  opinions  to  volunteer.  There  were 
no  precedents  to  go  by. 

"  He  might  get  ptomaine  poisoning,"  finally  sug 
gested  Shy  Thomas. 

"What's  that?"  said  Goat,  horrified.  Shy  was 
forced  to  confess  that  he  did  not  know.  Hungry 
Smeed  thought  it  was  when  you  cut  your  toe  on  an 
oyster  shell. 

"  See  here,  Goat,"  said  Turkey,  decisively,  "  we 
can't  fool  with  this  any  more.  You  come  with  me." 

The  now  thoroughly  demoralised  and  penitent 
Goat  went  meekly  between  Turkey  and  Slugger  to 
ward  Foundation  House.  But  on  the  way,  encoun- 


THE   HERO    OF    AN    HOUR          191 

tering  the  Roman,  they  decided  to  consult  him  in 
stead. 

"  Please,  sir,"  said  Phillips,  with  difficult  calm, 
"  I'd  like  to  ask  you  something." 

The  master  stopped  and,  prepared  for  any  even 
tuality,  said: 

"  Well,  Phillips,  nothing  serious,  I  hope  ?  " 

"  Please,  sir,  I'm  afraid  it  is,"  said  Phillips,  all  in 
a  breath.  "  I've  just  eaten  a  necktie,  sir." 

"A  what?" 

"  A  necktie,  sir,  and  I  want  to  know  if  you  think 
I'm  in  any  danger,  sir." 

The  Roman  stood  stock-still  for  a  long  moment, 
with  dropped  jaw;  then,  recovering  himself,  he  said: 

"A  necktie,  Phillips?" 

"  Yes,  sir." 

"  A  whole  necktie?  " 

"  Yes,  sir." 

"  Well,  Phillips,  if  you  can  eat  a  necktie  I  guess 
you  can  digest  it ! " 

•  •  »  •  • 

The  next  morning,  when  Ironsides  Smith  unsus 
pectingly  strolled  out  into  the  campus,  no  soul  did 
him  honour,  not  a  glance  turned  as  he  turned,  not 
a  first  form  youngster,  primed  with  curiosity  and 


198  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

admiration,  came  rushing  to  his  side.  Instead,  a 
knot  of  boys  at  the  far  end  of  the  esplanade  were 
clustered  in  excited  contemplation  about  Goat  Phil 
lips,  the  boy  who  had  heroically  eaten  a  necktie 
rather  than  suffer  a  dare. 

Then  Ironsides  understood — he  was  the  hero  of 
yesterday.  A  new  celebrity  had  risen  for  the  de 
lectation  of  the  fickle  populace.  The  King  was  dead 
— long  live  the  King ! 

He  went  to  the  classroom  disillusionised  and  sat 
through  the  hour  stolidly  tasting  the  bitterness  of 
Napoleonic  isolation.  So  this  was  the  favour  of 
crowds.  In  a  night  to  be  dethroned  and  forgotten ! 

As  he  descended  Memorial  steps,  Goat  Phillips 
passed,  radiant,  saluted  by,  capricornian  acclama 
tions. 

Smith  regarded  him  darkly. 

"As  though  any  one  couldn't  eat  a  necktie,"  he 
said  in  righteous  disgust. 

Unacclaimed  he  went  through  the  crowd  toward 
the  Upper — he  who  had  risked  life  and  limb  to  amuse 
them  for  a  week ! 

From  a  tower  window  in  the  Upper  the  Triumph 
ant  Egghead,  lolling  on  the  cushioned  window-seat, 
called  down  lazily: 


THE   HERO   OF   AN   HOUR          193 

"  Oh,  you — Ironsides !  " 

That  was  the  answer.  Let  popularity  run  after  a 
dozen  unworthy  lights.  Other  boys  would  come  who 
would  eat  neckties,  no  one  ever  would  go  the  way 
he  had  gone.  He  had  nothing  to  do  with  transitory 
emotions.  He  must  be  superior  to  the  voice  of  the 
hour.  He,  Ironsides,  belonged  to  history.  That, 
nothing  could  take  from  him! 


THE    PROTEST     AGAINST    SINKERS 

THE  feeling  of  revolt  sprang  up  at  chapel  during 
the  head  master's  weekly  talk.  Ordinarily  the  school 
awaited  these  moments  with  expectation,  received 
them  with  tolerance  and  drew  from  them  all  the 
humour  that  could  be  extracted. 

These  little  heart-to-heart  talks  brought  joy  to 
many  an  overweighted  brain  and  obliterated  momen 
tarily  the  slow,  dragging  months  of  slush  and  hail. 

194 


THE  PROTEST  AGAINST  SINKERS      195 

They  also  added,  from  time  to  time,  picturesque  ex 
pressions  to  the  school  vocabulary — and  for  that 
much  was  forgiven  them.  No  one  who  heard  it  will 
ever  forget  the  slashing  that  descended  from  the 
rostrum  on  the  demon  tobacco,  in  its  embodied  vice, 
the  cigarette,  nor  the  chill  that  ran  over  each  of  the 
four  hundred  cigarette  smokers  as  the  head  master, 
with  his  boring  glance  straight  on  him,  concluded: 

"  Yes,  I  know  what  you  boys  will  say ;  I  know 
what  your  plea  will  be  when  you  are  caught.  You 
will  come  to  me  and  you'll  say  with  tears  in  your 
eyes,  with  tears : 

"  '  Doctor,  think  of  my  mother — my  poor  mother 
— it  will  kill  my  mother ! ' 

"I  tell  you,  now  is  the  time  to  think  of  your 
mother;  now  is  the  time  to  spare  her  grey  hairs. 
Every  cigarette  you  boys  smoke  is  a  nail  in  the 
coffin  of  your  mother" 

It  was  terrific.  The  school  was  unanimous  in  its 
verdict  that  the  old  man  had  outdone  himself.  Boys, 
whom  a  whiff  of  tobacco  rendered  instantly  ill, 
smoked  up  the  ventilators  that  night  with  shivers  of 
delight,  and  from  that  day  to  this  a  cigarette  has 
never  been  called  anything  but  a  coffin-nail. 

Only  the  week  before,  in  announcing  the  suspen- 


196  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

sion  of  Corkscrew  Higgins  (since  with  the  minis 
try),  for,  among  other  offences,  mistaking  the  initials 
on  the  hat  of  Bucky  Oliver  as  his  own,  the  head 
master  in  his  determination  to  abolish  forever  such 
deadly  practices,  had  given  forth  the  following: 

"  Young  gentlemen,  it  is  my  painful  duty,  my  very 
painful  duty,  to  announce  to  you  the  suspension  of 
the  boy  Higgins.  The  boy  Higgins  was  a  sloth, 
the  boy  Higgins  was  the  prince  of  sloths !  The  boy 
Higgins  was  a  gambler,  the  boy  Higgins  was  the 
prince  of  gamblers !  The  boy  Higgins  was  a  liar, 
the  boy  Higgins  was  the  prince  of  liars !  The  boy 
Higgins  was  a  thief,  the  boy  Higgins  was  the  prince 
of  thieves !  Therefore,  the  boy  Higgins  will  no 
longer  be  a  member  of  this  community ! " 

The  school  pardoned  the  exaggeration  in  its  ad 
miration  for  the  rhetoric,  which  was  rated  up  to  the 
oration  against  Catiline.  But  on  the  first  Monday 
of  that  lean  month  of  February  the  school  rose  in 
revolt.  In  a  tirade  against  the  alarming  decline  in 
the  percentage  of  scholastic  marks  the  head  master, 
flinging  all  caution  to  the  winds,  had  terminated  with 
these  incendiary  words: 

"  I  know  what  the  trouble  is,  and  I'll  tell  you. 
The  trouble  with  you  boys  is  INORDINATE  and  IM- 


THE  PROTEST  AGAINST  SINKERS      197 

MODERATE  EATING.  The  trouble  with  you  boys  is 
—You  Eat  Too  Much!" 

Such  a  groan  as  went  up!  To  -comprehend  the 
monstrosity  of  the  accusation  it  is  not  sufficient  to 
have  been  a  boy ;  one  must  have  retained  the  memory 
of  the  sharp  pains  and  gnawing  appetites  of  those 
growing  days !  Four  hundred-odd  famished  forms, 
just  from  breakfast,  suddenly  galvanised  by  that 
unmerited  blow,  roared  forth  a  unanimous  indignant : 

"  What!  " 

"  Eat  too  much ! " — they  could  hardly  believe  their 
ears.  Had  the  head  master  of  the  school,  with  years 
of  personal  experience,  actually,  in  his  sober  mind, 
proclaimed  that  they  ate  too  much !  The  words  had 
been  said;  the  accusation  had  to  stand.  And  such 
a  time  to  proclaim  it — in  the  month  of  sliced  bananas 
and  canned  vegetables !  The  protest  that  rumbled 
and  growled  in  the  under-form  houses  exploded  in 
the  Dickinson. 

It  so  happened  that  for  days  there  had  been  a 
dull  grumbling  about  the  monotony  of  the  daily 
meals  and  the  regularity  and  frequency  of  the  ap 
pearance  of  certain  abhorrent  dishes,  known  as 
"  scrag-birds  and  sinkers."  '*  Scrag-bird  "  was  a 
generic  term,  allowing  a  wide  latitude  for  conjecture, 


198  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

but  "  sinker  "  was  an  opprobrious  epithet  dedicated 
to  a  particularly  hard,  doughy  substance  that  un 
der  more  favourable  auspices  sometimes,  without  fear 
of  contradiction,  achieves  the  name  of  "  dumpling." 

The  "  sinker  "  was,  undoubtedly,  the  deadliest  en 
emy  of  the  growing  boy — the  most  persistent,  the 
most  malignant.  It  knew  no  laws  and  it  defied  all 
restraint.  It  languished  in  the  spring,  but  thrived 
and  multiplied  amazingly  in  the  canned,  winter  term. 
It  was  as  likely  to  bob  up  in  a  swimming  dish  of 
boiled  chicken  as  it  was  certain  to  accompany  a 
mutton  stew.  It  associated  at  times  with  veal  and 
attached  itself  to  corned  beef;  it  concealed  itself  in 
a  beefsteak  pie  and  clung  to  a  leg  of  lamb.  What 
the  red  rag  is  to  the  bull,  the  pudgy  white  of  the 
"  sinker  "  was  to  the  boys,  who,  in  a  sort  of  desperate 
hope  of  exterminating  the  species,  never  allowed  one 
to  return  intact  to  the  kitchen.  Twice  a  week  was 
the  allotted  appearance  of  the  "  sinker  " ;  at  a  third 
visit  grumbling  would  break  out;  at  a  fourth  arose 
threats  of  leaving  for  Andover  or  Exeter,  of  writing 
home,  of  boycotting  the  luncheon. 

Now,  it  so  happened  that  during  the  preceding 
week  the  "  sinker  "  had  inflicted  itself  not  four,  but 
actually  six,  times  on  that  community  of  aching 


THE  PROTEST  AGAINST  SINKERS      199 

voids.  The  brutal  accusation  of  the  head  master 
was  the  spark  to  the  powder.  The  revolt  assumed 
head  and  form  during  the  day,  and  a  call  for  a 
meeting  of  protest  was  unanimously  made  for  that 
very  night. 

The  boys  met  with  the  spirit  of  the  Boston  Tea 
Party,  resolved  to  defend  their  liberties  and  assert 
their  independence.  The  inevitable  Doc  Macnooder 
was  to  address  the  meeting.  He  spoke  naturally, 
fluently,  with  great  sounding  phrases,  on  any  oc 
casion,  on  any  topic,  for  his  own  pure  delight,  and 
he  always  continued  to  speak  until  violently  sup 
pressed. 

"  Fellows,"  he  began,  without  apologies  to  history 
— "  we  are  met  to  decide  once  and  for  all  whether 
we  are  a  free  governing  body,  to  ask  ourselves  what 
is  all  this  worth?  For  weeks  we  have  endured,  su 
pinely  on  our  backs,  the  tyranny  of  Mrs.  Van  As- 
terbilt,  the  matron  of  this  House.  We  have,  I  say, 
supinely  permitted  each  insult  to  pass  unchallenged. 
But  the  hour  has  struck,  the  worm  has  turned,  the 
moment  has  come  and,  without  the  slightest  hesi 
tation,  I  ask  you  ...  I  ask  you  .  .  .  what 
do  I  ask  you  ? "  he  paused,  and  appealed  for 
enlightenment. 


200  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

The  meeting  found  him  guilty  of  levity  and  threat 
ened  him  with  the  ban  of  silence. 

Macnooder  looked  grieved  and  continued :  "  I  ask 
you  to  strike  as  your  fathers  struck.  I  ask  you  to 
string  the  bow,  to  whet  the  knife,  to  sharpen  the 
tomahawk,  to  loose  the  dogs  of  war " 

Amid  a  storm  of  whoops  and  catcalls,  Macnooder 
was  pulled  back  into  his  seat.  He  rose  and  ex 
plained  that  his  peroration  was  completed  and  de 
manded  the  inalienable  right  to  express  his  opin 
ions. 

The  demand  was  rejected  by  a  vote  of  eighty-two 
to  one  (Macnooder  voting). 

Butcher  Stevens  rose  with  difficulty  and,  clutch 
ing  the  shoulder  of  Red  Dog  in  front  of  him,  ad 
dressed  the  gathering  as  follows: 

"  Fellows,  I  am  no  silver-tongued  orator  and  all  I 
want  to  say  is  just  a  few  words.  I  think  we  want 
to  treat  this  thing  seriously."  (Cries  of  "Hear! 
hear ! "  "  Right.")  "  I  think,  fellows,  this  is  a  very 
serious  matter,  and  I  think  we  ought  to  take  some  ac 
tion.  This  food  matter  is  getting  pretty  bad.  I 
don't  think,  fellows,  that  we  ought  to  stand  for 
'  sinkers  '  the  way  they're  coming  at  us,  without  some 
action.  I  don't  know  just  what  action  we  ought 


THE  PROTEST  AGAINST  SINKERS      201 

to  take,  but  I  think  we  ought  really  to  take  some 
action." 

The  Butcher  subsided  into  his  seat  amid  immense 
applause.  Lovely  Mead  arose  and  jangling  the  keys 
in  his  trousers  pocket,  addressed  the  ceiling  in  rapid, 
jerky  periods: 

"  Fellows,  I  think  we  ought  to  begin  by  taking  a 
vote — a  vote.  I  think — I  think  the  sentiment  of  this 
meeting  is  about  made  up — made  up.  I  think  my 
predecessor  has  very  clearly  expressed  the — the — 
has  voiced  the  sentiments  of  this  meeting — very 
clearly.  I  think  a  vote  would  clear  the  air,  therefore 
I  move  we  take  a  vote." 

He  sighed  -contentedly  and  returned  into  the 
throng.  Doc  Macnooder  sarcastically  demanded 
what  they  were  to  vote  upon.  Lovely  Mead,  in  great 
confusion,  rose  and  stammered: 

"  I  meant  to  say,  Mr.  Chairman,  that  I  move  we 
take  a  vote,  take  a  vote  to — to  take  some  action." 

"  Action  about  what?  "  said  the  merciless  Mac 
nooder. 

Lovely  Mead  remained  speechless.  Hungry  Smeed 
interposed  glibly: 

"  Mister  Chairman,  I  move  that  it  is  the  sense  of 
this  meeting  that  we  should  take  some  action  look- 


208  THE   PRODIGIOUS  H1CKEY, 

ing  toward  the  remedying  of  the  present  condition 
of  our  daily  meals." 

The  motion  was  passed  and  the  chairman  an 
nounced  that  he  was  ready  to  hear  suggestions  as 
to  the  nature  of  the  act,  as  contemplated.  A  painful 
silence  succeeded. 

Macnooder  rose  and  asked  permission  to  offer  a 
suggestion.  The  demand  was  repulsed.  Wash  Sim 
mons  moved  that  at  the  next  appearance  of  the  ab 
horrent  "  sinkers,"  they  should  rise  and  leave  the 
room  en  masse.  It  was  decided  that  the  plan  entailed 
too  many  sacrifices,  and  it  was  rejected. 

Crazy  Opdyke  from  the  Woodhull  developed  the 
following  scheme,  full  of  novelty  and  imagination: 

"  I  say,  fellows,  I've  got  an  idea,  you  know.  What 
we  want  is  an  object  lesson,  you  know,  something 
striking.  Now,  fellows,  this  is  what  I  propose: 
We're  eighty-five  of  us  in  these  dining-rooms;  now, 
at  two  *  sinkers '  each,  that  makes  one  hundred  and 
seventy  '  sinkers  '  every  time ;  at  six  times  that  makes 
one  thousand  '  sinkers  '  a  week.  What  we  want  to  do 
is  to  carry  off  the  l  sinkers  '  from  table,  save  them  up, 
and  at  the  end  of  the  week  make  a  circle  of  them 
around  the  campus  as  an  object  lesson!" 

Macnooder,  again,  was  refused  permission  to  speak 


in  support  of  this  measure,  which  had  an  instant  ap 
peal  to  the  imagination  of  the  audience.  In  the  end, 
however,  the  judgment  of  the  more  serious  prevailed, 
and  the  motion  was  lost  by  a  close  vote.  After  more 
discussion  the  meeting  finally  decided  to  appoint  an 
embassy  of  three,  who  should  instantly  proceed  to 
the  head  master's,  and  firmly  lay  before  him  the 
Woodhull's  and  the  Dickinson's  demand  for  uncon 
ditional  and  immediate  suppression  of  that  indiges 
tible  and  totally  ornamental  article  known  as  "  the 
sinker."  Hickey,  Wash  Simmons  and  Crazy  Op- 
dyke,  by  virtue  of  their  expressed  defiance,  were 
chosen  to  carry  the  ultimatum.  Some  one  proposed 
that  Macnooder  should  go  as  a  fourth,  and  the  mo 
tion  passed  without  opposition.  Macnooder  rose  and 
declined  the  honour,  but  asked  leave  to  state  his  rea 
sons.  Whereupon  the  meeting  adjourned. 

The  Messrs.  Crazy  Opdyke,  Hickey,  and  Wash 
Simmons  held  a  conference  and  decided  to  shave  and 
assume  creased  trousers  in  order  to  render  the  aspect 
of  their  mission  properly  impressive.  After  a  short 
delay  they  united  on  the  steps,  where  they  received 
the  exhortations  of  their  comrades — to  speak  out 
boldly,  to  mince  no  words,  and  to  insist  on  their 
demands. 


204  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

The  distance  to  Foundation  House,  where  the 
head  master  resided,  was  short — thirty  seconds  in 
the  darkness;  and  almost  before  they  knew  it  the 
three  were  at  the  door.  There,  under  the  muffled 
lamp,  they  stopped,  with  spontaneous  accord,  and 
looked  at  one  another. 

"  I  say,"  said  Hickey,  "  hadn't  we  better  agree 
on  what  we'll  say  to  the  old  man?  We  want 
to  be  firm,  you  know." 

"  That's  a  good  idea,"  Opdyke  assented,  and  Wash 
added,  "  We'll  take  a  turn  down  the  road." 

"  Now,  what's  your  idea  ? "  said  Simmons  to 
Hickey,  when  they  had  put  a  safe  distance  between 
them  and  the  residence  of  the  Doctor. 

"We'd  better  keep  away  from  discussion,"  re 
plied  Hickey.  "  The  Doctor'll  beat  us  out  there, 
and  I  don't  think  we'd  better  be  too  radical  either, 
because  we  want  to  be  firm." 

"What  do  you  -call  radical?"  said  Opdyke,  with 
a  little  defiance. 

"  Well,  now,  we  don't  want  to  be  too  aggressive ; 
we  don't  want  to  go  in  with  a  chip  on  our  shoulder." 

"  Hickey,  you're  beginning  to  hedge !  " 

Hickey  indignantly  denied  the  accusation,  and  a 


THE    PROTEST   AGAINST    SINKERS    205 

little  quarrel  arose  between  them,  terminated  by 
Wash,  who  broke  in: 

"  Shut  up,  Crazy — Hickey  is  dead  right.  We 
want  to  go  in  friendly-like,  just  as  though  we  knew 
the  Doctor  would  side  with  us  at  once — sort  of  take 
him  into  our  confidence." 

"  That's  it,"  said  Hickey ;  "  we  want  to  be  good- 
natured  at  first,  lay  the  matter  before  him  calmly, 
then  afterward  we  can  be  firm. 

"  Rats !  "  said  Crazy ;  "  are  we  going  to  tell  him, 
or  not,  that  we  represent  the  Dickinson  and  the 
Woodhull  and  that  they  have  voted  the  extinction  of 
*  sinkers '?  " 

"  Sure  we  are ! "  exclaimed  Wash.  "  You  don't 
think  we  are  afraid,  do  you  ?  " 

"Well,  then,  let's  tell  him,"  said  Crazy.  "Come 
on,  if  you're  going  to." 

They  returned  resolutely  and  again  entered  the 
dominion  of  the  dreary  lamp. 

"  Say,  fellows,"  Wash  suddenly  interjected,  "  are 
we  going  to  say  anything  about  *  scrag-birds '  ?  " 

"  Sure,"  said  Crazy. 

"  The  deuce  we  are ! "  said  Hickey. 

"  Why  not  ?  "  said  Crazy,  militantly. 


206  THE   PRODIGIOUS  HICKEY 

"  Because  we  don't  want  to  make  fools  of  our 
selves." 

The  three  withdrew  again  and  threshed  out  the 
point.  It  was  decided  to  concentrate  on  the  "  sinker." 
Crazy  gave  in  because  he  said  he  was  cold. 

"  Well,  now,  it's  all  settled,"  said  Hickey.  "  We 
make  a  direct  demand  for  knocking  out  the  *  sinker,' 
and  we  stand  firm  on  that.  Nothing  else.  Come  on." 

«  Come  on." 

A  third  time  they  came  to  the  terrible  door. 

*'  I  say,"  said  Wash,  suddenly,  "  we  forgot.  Who's 
to  do  the  talking?  " 

"  Crazy,  of  course,"  said  Hickey,  looking  hard  at 
Simmons,  "  since  that  clapper  episode,  I'm  not  drop 
ping  in  for  the  dessert ! " 

"  Sure,  Crazy,  you're  just  the  one,"  Simmons 
agreed. 

"  Hold  up9"  said  Crazy,  whose  fury  suddenly 
cooled.  "  Let's  talk  that  over." 

Again  they  retired  for  deliberation. 

"  Now,  see  here,  fellows,"  said  Crazy,  "  let's  be 
reasonable.  We  want  this  thing  to  go  through, 
don't  we?  " 

"  Who's  hedging  now?  "  said  Hickey,  with  a  laugh. 

"  No  one,"  retorted  Crazy.     "  I'll  talk  up  if  you 


THE   PROTEST   AGAINST   SINKERS    207 

say.  I'm  not  afraid,  only  I  don't  stand  one,  two, 
three  with  the  Doctor  and  you  know  it.  I've  flunked 
every  recitation  in  Bible  this  month.  What  we  want 
is  the  strongest  pull — and  Wash  is  the  one.  Why, 
the  old  man  would  feed  out  of  Wash's  hand." 

Wash  indignantly  repelled  the  insinuation.  Fi 
nally  it  was  agreed  that  Crazy  should  state  the  facts, 
that  Hickey  should  say,  "  Doctor,  we  feel  strongly, 
very  strongly,  about  this,"  and  that  Wash  should 
then  make  the  direct  demand  for  the  suspension  for 
one  month  of  the  "  sinker,"  and  its  future  regulation 
to  two  appearances  a  week. 

"  And  now,  no  more  backing  and  filling,"  said 
Hickey. 

"  I'll  lay  the  facts  before  him,  all  right,"  added 
Crazy,  clenching  his  fists. 

"  We'll  stick  together,  and  we  stand  firm,"  said 
Wash.  "Now  for  it!" 

They  had  reached  a  point  about  thirty  feet  from 
the  threshold,  when  suddenly  the  door  was  flung  vio 
lently  open  and  a  luckless  boy  bolted  out,  under  the 
lamp,  so  that  the  three  could  distinguish  the  ve 
hement  gestures.  The  Doctor  appeared  in  a  passion 
of  rage,  calling  after  the  retreating  offender: 

"  Don't  you  dare,  young  man,  to  come  to  me  again 


208  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

with  such  a  complaint.  You  get  your  work  up  to 
where  it  ought  to  be,  or  down  you  go,  and  there 
isn't  a  power  in  this  country  that  can  prevent  it." 

The  door  slammed  violently  and  silence  returned. 

"  He's  not  in  a  very  receptive  mood,"  said  Wash, 
after  a  long  pause. 

"  Not  precisely,"  said  Hickey,  thoughtfully. 

"  I'm  catching  cold,"  said  Crazy. 

"  Suppose  we  put  it  over? "  continued  Wash, 
"What  do  you  say,  Hickey?" 

"  I  shall  not  oppose  the  will  of  the  majority." 

"And  you,  Crazy?" 

"  I  think  so,  too." 

They  returned  to  the  Dickinson,  where  they  were 
surrounded  and  assailed  with  questions:  How  had 
the  Doctor  taken  it? — What  had  he  said? 

"  We  took  no  talk  from  him,"  said  Crazy,  with  a 
determined  shake  of  his  head,  and  then  Wash  added 
brusquely,  "  Just  keep  your  eyes  on  the  *  sinkers.' " 

"  You  took  long  enough,"  put  in  the  suspicious 
Macnooder. 

"  We  were  firm,"  replied  Hickey,  bristling  at  the 
recollection — "  very  firm ! " 


BEAUTY'S   SISTER 


His  hair  it  is  a  faded  white, 

His  eye  a  watery  blue; 
He  has  no  buttons  on  his  coat, 

No  shoe-strings  in  his  shoe. 

"  BEAUTY  "  SAWTELLE,  or  Chesterton  V.  Sawtelle, 
as  it  was  pronounced  when  each  Monday  the  master 
of  the  form  read  the  bi-weekly  absences  from  bath, 
sat  adjusting  his  skate  on  the  edge  of  the  pond,  with 
a  look  of  ponderous  responsibility  on  the  freckled 
face,  crowned  by  a  sheaf  of  tow  hair,  like  the  wisp 

209 


210  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

of  a  Japanese  doll.  Presently  he  drew  from  his 
pocket  a  dance-card,  glanced  over  it  for  the  twen 
tieth  time,  and  replaced  it  with  a  sigh. 

"  Cracky !  "  he  said,  in  despair.  "  Sixteen  regu 
lars  and  eight  extras ;  sixteen  and  eight,  twenty- 
four.  Gee!" 

Beauty's  heart  was  heavy,  and  his  hope  faint,  for 
the  sinister  finger  of  the  Prom  had  cast  its  shadow 
over  the  lighthearted  democracy  of  boyhood.  Into 
this  free  republic,  where  no  thoughts  of  the  outside 
society  should  penetrate,  the  demoralising  swish  of 
coming  petticoats  had  suddenly  intruded  its  ominous 
significance  of  a  world  without,  where  such  tyrannies 
as  money  and  birth  stand  ready  to  divide  the  unsus 
pecting  hosts. 

Now  Beauty's  woes  were  manifold:  he  was  only  a 
second  former,  and  the  Prom  was  the  property  of 
the  lords  of  the  school,  the  majestic  fourth  formers, 
who  lived  in  the  Upper  House,  and  governed  them 
selves  according  to  the  catalogue  and  a  benevolent 
tempering  of  the  exact  theory  of  independence. 

A  few  rash  under-formers  with  pretty  sisters  were 
admitted  on  sufferance,  and  robbed  of  their  part 
ners  if  the  chance  arose.  Beauty,  scrubby  boy  of 
fourteen,  with  a  like  aversion  to  girls  and  stiff  col- 


BEAUTY'S   SISTER  211 

lars  in  his  ugly  little  body,  had  been  horrified  to 
learn  that  his  sister,  at  the  invitation  of  Rogers, 
the  housemaster,  was  coming  to  the  Prom.  On  his 
shoulders  devolved  the  herculean  task  of  filling  a 
card  from  the  upper  class,  only  a  handful  of  whom 
he  knew,  at  a  moment  when  the  cards  had  been  cir 
culated  for  weeks.  So  he  stood  dejectedly,  calcu 
lating  how  to  fill  the  twenty-four  spaces  that  were 
so  blank  and  interminable.  Twenty-four  dances  to 
fill,  and  the  Prom  only  two  weeks  off! 

In  the  middle  of  the  pond  boys  were  darting  and 
swaying  in  a  furious  game  of  hockey.  Beauty  lin 
gered,  biding  his  opportunity,  searching  the  crowd 
for  a  familiar  face,  until  presently  Wash  Simmons, 
emerging  from  the  melee,  darted  to  his  side,  grind 
ing  his  skates  and  coming  to  a  halt  for  breath,  with 
a  swift :  "  Hello,  Venus !  How's  the  Dickinson  these 
days?" 

Beauty,  murmuring  an  inaudible  reply,  stood 
turning  and  twisting,  desperately  seeking  to  frame  a 
demand. 

"  What's  the  secret  sorrow,  Beauty  ?  "  continued 
Wash,  with  a  glance  of  surprise. 

"  I  say,  Wash,"  said  Beauty,  plunging — "  I  say, 
have  you  got  any  dances  left  ?  " 


THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

"I?  Oh,  Lord,  no !  "  said  the  pitcher  of  the  school 
nine,  with  a  quick  glance.  "  Gone  long  ago." 

He  drew  the  strap  tight,  dug  his  hands  into  his 
gloves  again,  and  with  a  nod  flashed  back  into  the 
crowd.  Beauty,  gulping  down  something  that  rose 
in  his  throat,  started  aimlessly  to  skirt  the  edge  of 
the  pond.  He  had  understood  the  look  that  Wash 
had  given  him  in  that  swift  moment. 

In  this  abstracted  mood,  he  suddenly  came  against 
something  angular  and  small  that  accompanied  him 
to  the  ice  with  a  resounding  whack. 

"  Clumsy  beast ! "  said  a  sharp  voice. 

From  his  embarrassed  position,  Beauty  recognised 
the  Red  Dog. 

"  Excuse  me,  Red  Dog,"  he  said  hastily ;  "  I  didn't 
see  you." 

"  Why,  it's  Beauty,"  said  the  Red  Dog,  rubbing 
himself.  "  Blast  you !  all  the  same." 

"  I  say,  Red  Dog,"  said  Beauty,  "  have  you  any 
dances  left?  " 

"  All  gone,  Beauty,"  answered  Red  Dog,  stooping 
suddenly  to  recover  his  skate. 

"Nothing  left?" 

"Nope — filled  the  last  extra  to-day,"  said  Red 
Dog,  with  the  shining  face  of  prevarication.  Then 


BEAUTTS   SISTER  213 

he  added,  "Why,  Venus,  are  you  going  to  the 
Prom?" 

"  No,"  said  Sawtelle ;  "  it's  my  sister." 

"  Oh,  I'm  sorry.  I'd  like  to  oblige  you,  but  you 
see  how  it  is,"  said  Red  Dog,  lamely. 

"  I  see." 

" Ta,  ta,  Beauty!    So  long! " 

Sawtelle  shut  his  lips,  struck  a  valiant  blow  at  an 
imaginary  puck,  and  began  to  whistle. 

'Tis  a  jolly  life  we  lead 
Care  and  sorrow  we  defy — 

After  piping  forth  this  inspiring  chorus  with 
vigorous  notes,  the  will  gave  way.  He  began  an 
other: 

To  Lawrenceville  my  father  sent  me, 
Where  for  college  I  should  prepare; 

And  so  I  settled  down, 

In  this  queer,  forsaken  town, 
About  five  miles  away  from  anywhere. 

The  bellows  gave  out.  Overcome  by  the  mourn- 
fulness  of  the  last  verse,  he  dropped  wearily  on  the 
bank,  continuing  doggedly: 


214.  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

About  five  miles  from  anywhere,  my  boys, 
Where  old  Lawrenceville  evermore  shall  stand; 

For  has  she  not  stood, 

Since  the  time  of  the  flood — 


Whether  the  accuracy  of  the  last  statement  or  the 
forced  rhyme  displeased  him,  he  broke  off,  heaved  a 
sigh,  and  said  viciously :  "  They  lied,  both  of  'em." 

"  Well,  how's  the  boy  ?  "  said  a  familiar  voice. 

Beauty  came  out  of  the  vale  of  bitterness  to  per 
ceive  at  his  side  the  great  form  of  Turkey  Reiter, 
preparing  to  adjust  his  skates. 

"  Oh,  Turkey,"  said  Beauty,  clutching  at  ihe 
straw,  "  I've  been  looking  everywhere " 

"  What's  the  matter?  " 

"  Turkey,  I'm  in  an  awful  hole." 

"  Out  with  it." 

"  I  say,  Turkey,"  said  Sawtelle,  stumbling  and 
blushing — "  I  say,  you  know,  my  sister's  coming  to 
the  Prom,  and  I  thought  if  you'd  like — that  is,  I 
wanted  to  know  if — if  you  wouldn't  take  her  dance- 
card  and  get  it  filled  for  me."  Then  he  added  ab 
jectly:  "I'm  awfully  sorry." 

Turkey  looked  thoughtful.  This  was  a  commis 
sion  he  did  not  relish.  Beauty  looked  particularly 
unattractive  that  afternoon,  in  a  red  tobogganing 


BEAUTTS   SISTER  215 

toque  that  swore  at  his  faded  white  hair,  and  the 
orange  freckles  that  stared  out  from  every  point 
of  vantage. 

"  Why,  Beauty,"  he  began  hesitatingly,  "  the  way 
it  is,  you  see,  my  card's  already  filled,  and  I'm  afraid, 
honestly,  that's  about  the  case  with  all  the  others." 

"  She's  an  awfully  nice  girl,"  said  Sawtelle,  look 
ing  down  in  a  desperate  endeavour  to  control  his 
voice. 

"  Nice  girl,"  thought  Turkey,  "  ahem !  Yes ;  must 
be  a  good-looker,  too,  something  on  Venus's  particu 
lar  line  of  beauty." 

He  glanced  at  his  companion,  and  mentally  pic 
tured  a  lanky  girl,  with  sandy  hair,  a  little  upstart 
nose,  and  a  mass  of  orange  freckles.  But  between 
Turkey  and  Sawtelle  relations  had  been  peculiar. 
There  had  been  many  moments  in  the  last  year  at  the 
Dickinson  when  the  ordinary  luxuries  of  life  would 
have  been  difficult  had  it  not  been  for  the  superior 
financial  standing  of  Chesterton  V.  Sawtelle.  The 
account  had  been  a  long  one,  and  there  was  a  slight 
haziness  in  Turkey's  mind  as  to  the  exact  status  of 
the  balance.  Also,  Turkey  was  genuinely  grateful, 
with  that  sense  of  gratitude  which  is  described  as  a 
lively  looking  forward  to  favours  to  come. 


216  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

"  Oh,  well,  young  un,"  he  said  with  rough  good 
humour,  "  give  us  the  card.  I'll  do  what  I  can.  But, 
mind  you,  I  can't  take  any  myself.  My  card's  full, 
and  it  wouldn't  do  for  me  to  cut  dances." 

Jumping  up,  he  started  to  escape  the  effusive 
thanks  of  the  overjoyed  Sawtelle,  but  suddenly 
wheeled  and  came  skating  back. 

"  Hello,  Beauty ! "  he  called  out,  "  I  say,  what's 
your  sister's  name?  " 

"  Sally — that  is,  Sarah,"  came  the  timid  answer. 

"  Heavens !  "  said  Turkey  to  himself  as  he  flashed 
over  the  ice.  "That  settles  it.  Sally — Sally!  A 
nice  pickle  I'm  in!  Wonder  if  she  sports  spectacles 
and  old-fashioned  frocks.  A  nice  pickle — I'll  be  the 
laughing  stock  of  the  whole  school.  Guess  I  won't 
have  much  trouble  recognising  Beauty's  sister. 
Whew !  That  comes  from  having  a  kind  heart !  " 

With  these  and  similar  pleasant  reflections  he 
threaded  his  way  among  the  crowd  of  skaters  until 
at  length  he  perceived  Hickey  skimming  over  the 
ice,  stealing  the  puck  from  a  bunch  of  scrambling 
players,  until  his  progress  checked,  and  the  puck 
vanishing  into  a  distant  melee,  he  came  to  a  stop  for 
breath.  Turkey,  profiting  by  the  occasion,  descended 
on  his  victim. 


BEAUTY'S   SISTER  217 

"Whoa  there,  Hickey!" 

"Whoa  it  is!" 

"How's  your  dance-card?" 

"  A  dazzling  galaxy  of  beauty,  a  symposium  of 
grace,  a  feast  of " 

"Got  anything  left?  I  have  a  wonder  for  you 
if  you  have." 

"  Sure ;  twelfth  regular  and  sixth  extra — but  the 
duchess  will  be  awfully  cut  up." 

"  Twelfth  and  sixth,"  said  Turkey,  with  a  nod ; 
"that's  a  go." 

"Who's  the  heart-smasher?"  asked  Hickey,  with 
an  eye  on  the  approaching  puck. 

"  A  wonder,  Hickey ;  a  screamer.  There'll  be 
nothing  to  it.  Ta,  ta!  Much  obliged." 

"What's  her  name?" 

"  Sawtelle — some  distant  relative  of  the  Beauty's, 
I  believe.  I'm  filling  out  her  card.  Obliged  for  the 
dance.  Ta,  ta !  " 

"Hold  up!"  said  Hickey,  quickly.  "Hold  up! 
Jiminy !  I  almost  forgot — why,  I  do  believe  I  went 
and  promised  those  two  to  Hasbrouck.  Isn't  that  a 
shame!  Sorry.  To  think  of  my  forgetting  that! 
Try  to  give  you  some  other.  Confound  it!  I  have 
no  luck."  With  the  most  mournful  look  in  the  world 


218  THE   PRODIGIOUS   H1CKEY 

he  waved  his  hand  and  sped  ostentatiously  toward 
the  bunch  of  players. 

"  Hickey's  on  to  me,"  thought  Turkey  as  he 
watched  him  disengage  himself  from  the  crowd  and 
skate  off  with  Sawtelle ;  "  no  hope  in  that  quarter." 

Finally,  after  an  hour's  persistent  work,  during 
which  he  pleaded  and  argued,  commanded  and  threat 
ened,  he  succeeded  in  filling  exactly  six  of  the  neces 
sary  twenty-four  dances.  Indeed,  he  would  have  had 
no  difficulty  in  completing  the  card  if  he  could  have 
passed  over  that  fatal  name.  But  each  time,  just  as 
he  was  congratulating  himself  on  another  conquest, 
his  victim  would  ask,  "  By  the  way,  what  name  shall 
I  put  down  ?  " 

"  Oh — er — Miss  Sawtelle,"  he  would  answer  non 
chalantly  ;  "  a  distant  relative  of  the  Beauty — 
though  nothing  like  him — ha !  ha !  " 

Then  each  would  suddenly  remember  that  the 
dances  in  question  were  already  half-promised, — a 
sort  of  an  understanding;  but  of  course  he  would 
have  to  look  it  up, — but  of  course,  if  he  found  they 
were  free,  why,  then  of  course,  he  wanted,  above  all 
things  in  the  world,  to  dance  with  Miss  Sawtelle. 

"  Well,  anyhow,"  said  Turkey  to  himself,  recapitu- 


BEAUTY'S   SISTER  219 

lating,  "  I've  got  six,  provided  they  don't  all  back 
out.  Let  me  see.  I  can  make  the  Kid  take  three, — 
that's  nine, — and  Snookers  will  have  to  take  three, — 
that's  twelve, — and,  hang  it!  Butcher  and  Egg 
head  have  got  to  take  two  each — that  would  make 
sixteen.  The  other  eight  I  can  fill  up  with  some 
harmless  freaks:  some  will  snap  at  anything." 

That  night  at  the  supper-table  Turkey  had  to 
face  the  music. 

"  You're  a  nice  one,  you  are,"  said  Hickey, 
starting  in  immediately,  "  you  arch  deceiver.  You 
are  a  fine  friend ;  I  have  my  opinion  of  you.  *  Hand 
some  girl,'  *  a  wonder,'  '  fine  talker,'  '  a  screamer ' — 
that's  the  sort  of  game  you  try  on  your  friends,  is 
it?  Who  is  she?  Oh — ah,  yes,  a  distant  relative  of 
the  Beauty." 

"What's  up  now?"  said  the  Kid,  editor  of  the 
"  Lawrence,"  and  partner  of  Turkey's  secrets,  joys, 
and  debts. 

"Hasn't  he  tried  to  deceive  you  yet?"  continued 
Hickey,  with  an  accusing  look  at  Turkey.  "  No? 
That's  a  wonder!  What  do  you  think  of  a  fellow 
who  tries  to  pass  off  on  his  friends  such  a  girl  as  the 
Beauty's  sister?" 


THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

"  No !  "  said  Butcher  Stevens. 

"  What ! "  exclaimed  Macnooder,  laying  down  his 
knife  with  a  thud. 

"  Beauty's  sister,"  said  the  Egghead,  gaping  with 
astonishment. 

"  Well,  why  not?  "  said  Turkey,  defiantly. 

"  Listen  to  that !  "  continued  Hickey.  "  The  bra- 
zenness  of  it !  " 

The  four  graduates  of  the  Dickinson,  after  a 
moment  of  stupefied  examination  of  Hickey  and 
Reiter,  suddenly  burst  into  roars  of  laughter  that 
produced  a  craning  of  necks  and  a  storm  of  inquiries 
from  the  adjoining  tables. 

When  the  hilarity  had  been  somewhat  checked, 
Hickey  returned  to  the  persecution  of  the  blushing 
Turkey. 

"  Bet  you  three  to  one  she's  a  mass  of  freckles," 
he  said.  "  Bet  you  even  she  wears  glasses ;  bet  you 
one  to  three  she's  cross-eyed;  bet  you  four  to  one 
she  won't  open  her  mouth." 

"  Hang  you,  Hickey ! "  said  Turkey,  flushing, 
"  I  won't  have  her  talked  about  so." 

"  Did  you  take  any  dances  ? "  said  the  Kid  to 
Hickey. 

"  Me  ?  "  exclaimed  the  latter,  in  great  dudgeon. 


BEAUTY'S   SISTER 

"  Me !  Well,  I  guess  not !  I  wouldn't  touch  any  of 
that  tribe  with  a  ten-foot  pole." 

"  Look  here,  you  fellows  have  got  to  shut  up,"  said 
Turkey,  forced  at  last  into  a  virtuous  attitude  by 
the  exigency  of  the  situation.  "  I  promised  the 
Beauty  I'd  fill  his  sister's  card  for  him,  and  I'm 
going  to  do  it.  The  girl  can't  help  her  looks.  You 
talk  like  a  lot  of  cads.  What  you  fellows  ought  to 
do  is  to  join  in  and  give  her  a  treat.  The  girl  is 
probably  from  the  backwoods,  and  this  ought  to  be 
made  the  time  of  her  life." 

"  Turkey,"  said  the  malicious  Hickey,  "  how  many 
dances  have  you  eagerly  appropriated?  " 

Turkey  stopped  point-blank,  greeted  by  derisive 
jeers. 

"Oho!" 

"  That's  it,  is  it?  " 

"Fake!" 

"Humbug!" 

"  Not  at  all,"  said  Turkey,  indignantly.  "  What 
do  you  think  I  am?  " 

"  Pass  over  your  list  and  let's  see  the  company 
you're  going  to  introduce  her  to,"  said  Hickey, 
stretching  out  his  hand  for  the  dance-card.  "Ah, 
I  must  congratulate  you,  my  boy;  your  selection 


THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

is  magnificent;  the  young  lady  will  be  charmed." 
He  flipped  the  card  disdainfully  to  the  Egghead, 
saying,  "  A  bunch  of  freaks !  " 

"  Hang  it  all ! "  said  the  Egghead,  "  that's  too 
hard  on  any  girl.  A  fine  opinion  she'll  have  of  Law- 
renceville  fellows !  We  can't  stand  for  that." 

"  Look  here,"  said  the  Kid,  suddenly.  "  Turkey 
is  at  fault,  and  has  got  to  be  punished.  Here's  what 
we'll  do,  though :  let's  each  take  a  dance  on  condition 
that  Turkey  takes  her  out  to  supper." 

"  Oh,  I  say ! "  protested  Turkey,  who  had  other 
plans. 

The  others  acclaimed  the  plan  gleefully,  rejoicing 
in  his  discomfiture,  until  Turkey,  driven  to  a  corner, 
was  forced  to  capitulate. 

That  evening  on  the  esplanade  he  called  Snookers 
to  him,  and  resting  his  hand  affectionately  on  the 
little  fellow's  shoulder,  said :  "  Old  man,  do  you 
want  to  do  me  a  favour?  " 

"  Sure." 

"  I'm  filling  up  a  girl's  card  for  the  Prom,  and 
I  want  you  to  help  me  out." 

te  Certainly ;  give  me  a  couple,  if  the  girl's  the  real 
thing." 

"  Much  obliged.     I'll  put  your  name  down." 


BEAUTY'S   SISTER 

"  Second  and  fifth.     Say,  who  is  she?  " 

"Oh,  some  relative  of  Sawtelle's — you  remember 
you  used  to  go  with  him  a  good  deal  in  the  Dickin 
son.  It's  his  sister." 

"  Whew ! "  said  Snookers,  with  a  long-drawn 
whistle.  "  Say,  give  me  three  more,  will  you?  " 

"  Hardly,"  answered  Turkey,  with  a  laugh ;  "  but 
I'll  spare  you  another." 

"  I  didn't  think  it  quite  fair  to  the  girl,"  he  ex 
plained  later,  "  to  give  her  too  big  a  dose  of  Snook 
ers.  Queer,  though,  how  eager  the  little  brute  was !  " 

The  last  week  dragged  interminably  in  multiplied 
preparations  for  the  great  event.  In  the  evenings 
the  war  of  strings  resounded  across  the  campus 
from  the  "gym,"  where  the  Banjo  and  Mandolin 
clubs  strove  desperately  to  perfect  themselves  for 
the  concert.  The  Dramatic  Club,  in  sudden  fear, 
crowded  the  day  with  rehearsals,  while  from  the  win 
dow  of  Room  65,  Upper,  the  voice  of  Biddy  Hamp 
ton,  soloist  of  the  Glee  Club,  was  heard  chanting 
"  The  Pride  of  the  House  is  Papa's  Baby  "  behind 
doors  stout  enough  to  resist  the  assaults  of  his  neigh 
bours. 

Oil-stoves  and  flatirons  immediately  came  into  de- 


THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

mand,  cushions  were  rolled  back  from  window-seats, 
and  trousers  that  were  limp  and  discouraged,  grew 
smooth  and  well-creased  under  the  pressure  of  the 
hot  iron.  Turkey  and  Doc  Macnooder,  who  from 
their  long  experience  in  the  Dickinson  had  become 
expert  tailors,  advertised  on  the  bulletin  board : 

REITER  AND  MACNOODER 
BON  TON  TAILORS 

Trousers  neatly  pressed,  at  fifteen  cents  per  pair;  all 
payments  strictly  cash — in  advance. 

Each  night  the  dining-room  of  the  Upper  was 
cleared,  and  the  extraordinary  spectacle  was  seen  of 
boys  of  all  sizes  in  sweaters  and  jerseys,  clasping  each 
other  desperately  around  the  waist,  spinning  and 
bumping  their  way  about  the  reeling  room  to  the 
chorus  of: 

"Get  off  my  feet!" 

"  Reverse,  you  lubber !  " 

"  Now,  one,  two,  three " 

"  A  fine  lady  you  are !  " 

"  Do  you  expect  me  to  carry  you  around  the 
room?  " 

"Darn  you,  fatty!" 


Trousers    that    were    limp  and   discouraged, 
grew  smooth  " 


BEAUTY'S   SISTER  227 

"  Hold  tight !  " 

"  Let  'er  rip  now !  " 

From  the  end  of  the  room  the  cynics  and  misog 
ynists,  roosting  on  the  piled-up  tables  and  chairs, 
croaked  forth  their  contempt: 

"  Oh,  you  f ussers !  " 

"You  lady-killers!" 

"  Dance,  my  darling,  dance !  " 

"Squeeze  her  tight,  Bill!" 

"That's  the  way!" 

"Look  at  Skinny!" 

"  Keep  a-hoppin',  Skinny ! " 

"  Look  at  him  spin !  " 

"  For  heaven's  sake,  someone  stop  Skinny !  " 

Of  evenings  certain  of  the  boys  would  wander  in 
pairs  to  the  edge  of  the  woods  and  confide  to  each 
other  the  secret  attachments  and  dark,  forlorn  hopes 
that  were  wasting  them  away.  Turkey  and  the  Kid, 
who  were  going  as  stags,  opened  their  hearts  to  each 
other  and  spoke  of  the  girl,  the  one  distant  girl,  whose 
image  not  all  the  fair  faces  that  would  come  could 
for  a  moment  dim. 

"Kid,"  said  Turkey,  in  solemn  conclusion,  speak 
ing  from  the  experience  of  eighteen  years,  "  I  am 
going  to  make  that  little  girl — my  wife." 


THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

"  Turkey,  old  man,  God  bless  you !  "  answered  the 
confidant,  with  nice  regard  for  old  precedents.  Then 
he  added,  a  little  choked,  "Turkey,  I,  too— I " 

"  I  understand,  Kid,"  said  Turkey,  gravely  clap 
ping  his  shoulder ;  "  I've  known  it  all  along." 

"Dear  old  boy!" 

They  walked  in  silence. 

"  What's  her  name?  "  asked  Turkey,  slowly. 

"Lucille.     And  hers?" 

"  Marie  Louise." 

Another  silence. 

"Kid,  is  it  all  right?" 

The  romanticist  considered  a  moment,  and  then 
shook  his  head. 

"  No,  Turk." 

"  Dear  old  boy,  you'll  win  out." 

"I  must.     And  you,  Turk,  does  she  care?" 

A  heavy  sigh  was  the  answer.  They  walked  back 
arm  in  arm,  each  fully  believing  in  the  other's  sor 
row,  and  almost  convinced  of  his  own.  At  the  es 
planade  of  the  Upper  they  stopped  and  listened  to 
the  thumping  of  the  piano  and  the  systematic  beat 
from  the  dancers. 

"  I  wish  it  were  all  over,"  said  Turkey,  gloomily. 
"  This  can  mean  nothing  to  me." 


BEAUTY'S   SISTER  229 

"  Nor  to  me,"  said  the  Kid,  staring  at  the  melan 
choly  moon. 

On  the  fateful  day  the  school  arose,  so  to  speak,  as 
one  boy,  shaved,  and  put  on  a  -clean  collar.  Every 
boot  was  blacked,  every  pair  of  trousers  creased  to  a 
cutting  edge.  The  array  of  neckties  that  suddenly 
appeared  in  gigantic  puffs  or  fluttering  wings  was 
like  the  turn  of  autumn  in  a  single  night. 

Chapel  and  the  first  two  recitations  over,  the  es 
planade  of  the  Upper  was  crowded  with  fourth 
formers,  circulating  critically  in  the  dandified 
throng,  chattering  excitedly  of  the  coming  event. 
Perish  the  memory  of  the  fashion  there  displayed! 
It  seemed  magnificent  then:  let  that  be  the  epitaph. 

The  bell  called,  and  the  group  slowly  departed  to 
the  last  recitation.  From  each  house  a  stream  of 
boys  came  pouring  out  and  made  their  lagging  way 
around  the  campus  toward  Memorial.  Slower  and 
slower  rang  the  bell,  and  faster  came  the  unwilling 
slaves — those  in  front  with  dignity;  those  behind 
with  despatch,  and  so  on  down  the  line  to  the  last 
scattered  stragglers,  who  came  racing  over  the  lawns. 
The  last  peal  sounded,  the  last  laggard  tore  up  Me 
morial  steps,  and  vanished  within.  A  moment  later 


230  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

the  gong  in  the  hall  clanged,  and  the  next  recitation 
was  on.  The  circle,  a  moment  before  alive  with 
figures,  was  quiet  and  deserted.  A  group  of  seven 
or  eight  lounging  on  the  esplanade  were  chatting 
indolently,  tossing  a  ball  back  and  forth  with  the 
occupant  of  a  third-story  window. 

At  this  moment  Turkey  emerged  from  the  doorway 
in  shining  russets,  a  Gladstone  collar,  a  tie  of  robin's- 
egg-blue,  and  a  suit  of  red  and  green  plaids,  such 
as  the  innocent  curiosity  of  a  boy  on  his  first  allow 
ance  goes  to  with  the  thirst  of  possession. 

"  Hurrah  for  Turkey !  "  cried  the  Kid.  "  He  looks 
like  a  regular  fashion-plate." 

In  an  instant  he  was  surrounded,  punched,  ex 
amined,  and  complimented. 

"  Well,  fellows,  it's  time  to  give  ourselves  them 
finishing  touches,"  said  the  Egghead,  with  a  glance 
of  envy.  "  Turkey  is  trying  to  steal  a  march  on  us. 
The  girls  are  coming." 

"Hello!"  cried  the  Kid,  suddenly.  "Who's 
this?" 

All  turned.  From  behind  Foundation  House 
came  a  carriage.  It  drove  on  briskly  until  nearly 
opposite  the  group  on  the  steps,  when  the  driver 
reined  in,  and  some  one  within  looked  out  dubi 
ously. 


BEAUTY'S   SISTER  233 

"  Turkey,  you're  in  luck,"  said  the  Gutter  Pup. 
"  You're  the  only  one  with  the  rouge  on.  Go  down 
gracefully  and  see  what  the  lady  wants." 

So  down  went  Turkey  to  his  duty.  They  watched 
him  approach  the  carriage  and  speak  to  some  one 
inside.  Then  he  closed  the  door  and  spoke  to  the 
driver,  evidently  pointing  out  his  destination,  for  the 
cab  continued  around  the  circle. 

Then  Turkey  made  a  jump  for  the  esplanade,  and, 
deaf  to  all  inquiries,  seized  upon  his  roommate  and 
dragged  him  aside. 

"  Great  guns !  Kid,"  he  exclaimed,  "  I've  seen 
her — Beauty's  sister!  She  isn't  like  Beauty  at  all. 
She's  a  stunner,  a  dream!  Look  here!  Get  that 
dance-card.  Get  it,  if  you  have  to  lie  and  steal. 
He's  in  recitation  now.  You've  got  to  catch  him 
when  he  comes  out.  For  heaven's  sake!  don't  let 
anyone  get  ahead  of  you.  Tell  him  two  girls  have 
backed  out,  and  I  want  five  more  dances.  Tell  him 
I'm  to  take  her  to  the  debate  to-night,  and  the  Dra 
matic  Club  to-morrow.  Kid,  get  that  card!" 

Releasing  his  astounded  roommate,  he  went  tear 
ing  across  the  campus  to  meet  the  carriage. 

"  What's  happened  to  our  staid  and  dignified  presi 
dent  ?  "  cried  the  Gutter  Pup  in  wonder.  "  Is  he 
crazy  ?  " 


THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

"  Oh,  say,  fellows,"  exclaimed  the  Kid,  overcome 
by  the  humour  of  the  situation,  "who  do  you  think 
that  was?" 

The  carriage  had  now  stopped  before  the  Dickin 
son,  and  Turkey,  arrived  in  time,  was  helping  out 
a  tall,  slender  figure  in  black.  A  light  flashed  over 
the  group. 

"  Beauty's  sister." 

"No!" 

"Yes." 

"Impossible!" 

"  Beauty's  sister  it  is,"  cried  the  Kid ;  "  and  the 
joke  is,  she's  a  stunner,  a  dream!" 

'*  A  dream ! "  piped  up  the  inevitable  Snookers. 
"  Well,  I  guess !  She's  an  all-round  A-No.  1.  Gee ! 
I  just  got  a  glimpse  of  her  at  a  theatre,  and  I  tell 
you,  boys,  she's  a  paralyser." 

But  his  remark  ended  on  the  air,  for  all,  with  a 
common  impulse,  had  disappeared.  Snookers,  struck 
with  the  same  thought,  hastened  to  his  room. 

Ten  minutes  later  they  reappeared.  Hickey,  in 
a  suit  of  pronounced  checks,  his  trousers  carefully 
turned  up  a  VAwglais,  glanced  approvingly  at  the 
array  of  manly  fashion. 

"  And   now,    fellows,"   he   said,   pointing   to    the 


BEAUTY'S   SISTER  235 

Chapel,  which  Turkey  was  entering  with  Miss  Saw- 
telle,  "  that  traitor  shall  be  punished.  We'll  guard 
every  entrance  to  Memorial,  capture  our  friend, 
'  Chesterton  V.  Sawtelle  (absent  from  bath),'  relieve 
him  of  that  little  dance-card,  and  then,  Romans,  to 
the  victors  belong  the  spoils ! " 

The  Kid  having  delayed  over  the  choice  between 
a  red-and-yellow  necktie  or  one  of  simple  purple,  did 
not  appear  until  Hickey  had  stationed  his  forces. 
Taking  in  the  situation  at  a  glance,  he  chuckled  to 
himself,  and  picking  up  a  couple  of  books,  started 
for  the  entrance. 

"  Lucky  it's  Hungry  and  the  Egghead,"  he  said 
to  himself  as  he  passed  them  and  entered  the  Lower 
Hall.  "  Hickey  would  have  guessed  the  game." 

He  called  Sawtelle  from  the  second  form,  and, 
slipping  his  arm  through  his,  drew  him  down  the  cor 
ridor. 

"  Sawtelle,"  he  said,  "  I  want  your  sister's  dance- 
card.  There's  some  mistake,  and  Turkey  wants  to 
fix  it  up.  Thanks ;  that's  all.  Oh,  no,  it  isn't,  either. 
Turkey  said  he'd  be  over  after  supper  to  take  your 
sister  to  the  debate,  and  that  he  had  seats  for  the 
Dramatic  Club  to-morrow.  Don't  forget  all  that. 
So  long!  See  you  later." 


236  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

In  high  feather  at  the  success  of  this  stratagem, 
he  skipped  downstairs,  and  avoiding  Hickey,  went 
to  meet  Turkey  in  the  Chapel,  where  he  was  duly 
presented. 

f  When  Sawtelle  emerged  at  length  from  the  study- 
room,  he  was  amazed  at  the  spontaneity  of  his  re 
ception.  He  was  no  longer  "  Beauty  "  or  "  Apollo  " 
or  "  Venus." 

"  Sawtelle,  old  man,"  they  said  to  him,  "  I  want 
to  see  you  a  moment." 

"  Chesterton,  where  have  you  been  ?  " 

"  Old  man,  have  you  got  anything  to  do  ?  " 

Each  strove  to  draw  him  away  from  the  others, 
and  failing  in  this,  accompanied  him  to  the  jigger- 
shop,  where  he  was  plied  with  substantial  flattery, 
until  having  disposed  of  jiggers,  soda,  and  eclairs, 
he  cast  one  lingering  glance  at  the  tempting  coun 
ters,  and  said  with  a  twinkle  in  his  ugly  little  eyes : 

"And  now,  fellows,  I  guess  my  sister  must  be 
over  at  the  house.  Come  around  this  afternoon,  why 
don't  you,  and  meet  her?  " — an  invitation  which  was 
received  with  enthusiasm  and  much  evident  sur 
prise. 

When  the  Prom  opened  that  evening,  Beauty's  sis 
ter  made  her  entree  flanked  by  the  smitten  Turkey 


BEAUTY'S   SISTER  237 

and  the  languishing  Hasbrouck,  while  the  stricken 
Kid  brought  up  the  rear,  consoled  by  the  responsi 
bility  of  her  fan.  Five  stags  who  had  been  linger 
ing  miserably  in  the  shadow  searching  for  something 
daring  and  imaginative  to  lay  at  her  feet,  crowded 
forward  only  to  be  stricken  dumb  at  the  splendour 
of  her  toilette. 

Beauty's  sister,  fresh  from  a  Continental  season, 
was  quite  overwhelmed  by  the  subtle  adoration  of  the 
famous  Wash  Simmons  and  of  Egghead,  that  pattern 
of  elegance  and  savoir-faire — overwhelmed,  but  not 
at  all  confused.  Gradually  under  her  deft  manipu 
lation  the  power  of  speech  returned  to  the  stricken. 
Then  the  rout  began.  The  young  ladies  from  city 
and  country  finishing  schools,  still  struggling  with 
their  teens,  were  quite  eclipsed  by  the  gorgeous  Pa 
risian  toilette  and  the  science  of  movement  displayed 
by  the  sister  of  Chesterton  V.  Sawtelle.  The  ordi 
nary  ethics  of  fair  play  were  thrown  to  the  winds. 
Before  the  eyes  of  every  one,  Turkey  held  up  the 
worthless  dance-card,  and  tore  it  into  shreds.  Only 
the  brave  should  deserve  the  fair.  Little  Smeed, 
Poler  Fox,  and  Snorky  Green  struggled  in  vain  for 
recognition,  and  retired  crestfallen  and  defrauded, 
to  watch  the  scramble  for  each  succeeding  dance, 


238  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

which  had  to  be  portioned  among  three  and  often 
four  clamourers. 

In  fact,  it  became  epidemic.  They  fell  in  love  by 
blocks  of  five,  even  as  they  had  sought  the  privileges 
of  the  measles.  Each  implored  a  memento  to  fix 
imperishably  on  his  wall.  The  roses  she  wore  con 
soled  a  dozen.  The  Gutter  Pup  obtained  her  fan ; 
the  Kid  her  handkerchief,  a  wonderful  scented  trans 
parency.  Glendenning  and  Hasbrouck  brazenly  di 
vided  the  gloves,  while  Turkey,  trembling  at  his  own 
blurting  audacity,  was  blown  to  the  stars  by  permis 
sion  to  express  in  a  letter  certain  delicate  thoughts 
which  stifle  in  the  vulgar  scramble  of  the  ballroom. 

When  the  last  dance  had  been  fought  for,  divided, 
and  redivided,  and  the  lights  peremptorily  suppressed, 
the  stags  en  masse  accompanied  Beauty's  sister  to  the 
Dickinson,  where  each  separately  pressed  her  hand 
and  strove  to  give  to  his  "  Good-night "  an  accent 
which  would  be  understood  by  her  alone. 

On  that  next  morning  that  somehow  always  arises, 
Turkey  and  the  Kid,  envied  by  all,  drove  her  to  the 
station,  listening  mutely  to  her  gay  chatter,  each 
plunged  in  melancholy,  secretly  wondering  how  she 
managed  to  conceal  her  feelings  so  well. 

They  escorted  her  to  the  car,  and  loaded  her  with 


BEAUTY'S   SISTER  239 

magazines  and  candies  and  flowers,  and  each  suc 
ceeded  in  whispering  in  her  ear  a  rapid,  daring  sen 
tence,  which  she  received  from  each  with  just  the 
proper  encouragement.  Then,  imaginary  Lucilles 
and  Marie  Louises  forgot,  they  drove  back,  heavy 
of  heart,  and  uncomprehending,  viewing  the  land 
scape  without  joy  or  hope,  suffering  stoically  as  men 
of  eighteen  should.  Not  a  word  was  spoken  until 
from  the  last  hill  they  caught  the  first  glimmer  of 
the  school.  Then  Turkey  hoarsely,  flicking  the  air 
with  the  lash  of  the' whip,  said: 

"Kid " 

"What?" 

"  That  was  a  woman. 

"  A  woman  of  the  world,  Turkey." 

They  left  the  carriage  at  the  stable,  and  strolled 
up  to  the  jigger-shop,  joining  the  group,  all  intent 
on  the  coming  baseball  season;  and  gradually  the 
agony  eased  a  bit.  Presently  a  familiar  little  figure, 
freckled  and  towheaded,  sidled  into  the  shop,  and 
stood  with  fists  jammed  in  empty  pockets,  sniffing 
the  air  for  succour. 

"  Oh,  you  Beauty  1  oh,  you  astonishing  Venus ! " 
cried  the  inevitable  persecutor.  Then  from  the 
crowd  Macnooder  began  to  intone  the  familiar  lines : 


240  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEK 

"  His  hair,  it  is  a  faded  white, 

His  eye  a  watery  blue; 
He  has  no  buttons   on  his  coat, 
No  shoe-strings  in  his  shoe." 

"Doc,"  said  the  Beauty,  blushing  sheepishly, 
"  set  me  up  to  a  jigger,  will  you?  Go  on,  now !  " 

Then  Macnooder,  roaring,  shouted  back :  "  Not 
this  year ;  next  year — SISTEE  !  " 


THE   GREAT   BIG   MAN 


THE  noon  bell  was  about  to  ring,  the  one  glorious 
spring  note  of  that  inexorable  "  Gym "  bell  that 
ruled  the  school  with  its  iron  tongue.  For  at  noon, 
on  the  first  liberating  stroke,  the  long  winter  term 
died  and  the  Easter  vacation  became  a  fact. 

Inside  Memorial  Hall  the  impatient  classes  stirred 
nervously,  counting  off  the  minutes,  sitting  gingerly 

on  the  seat-edges  for  fear  of  wrinkling  the  carefully 

241 


THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

pressed  suits  or  shifting  solicitously  the  sharpened 
trousers  in  peril  of  a  bagging  at  the  knees.  Heav 
ens  !  how  interminable  the  hour  was,  sitting  there  in 
a  planked  shirt  and  a  fashion-high  collar — and  what 
a  recitation!  Would  Easter  ever  begin,  that  long- 
coveted  vacation  when  the  growing  boy,  according 
to  theory,  goes  home  to  rest  from  the  fatiguing 
draining  of  his  brain,  but  in  reality  returns  ex 
hausted  by  dinners,  dances,  and  theatres,  with  per 
haps  a  little  touch  of  the  measles  to  exchange  with 
his  neighbours.  Even  the  masters  droned  through 
the  perfunctory  exercises,  flunking  the  boys  by  twos 
and  threes,  by  groups,  by  long  rows,  but  without 
malice  or  emotion. 

Outside,  in  the  roadway,  by  the  steps,  waited  a 
long,  incongruous  line  of  vehicles,  scraped  together 
from  every  stable  in  the  countryside,  forty-odd.  A 
few  buggies  for  nabobs  in  the  Upper  House,  two- 
seated  rigs  (holding  eight),  -country  buckboards, 
excursion  wagons  to  be  filled  according  to  capacity 
at  twenty-five  cents  the  trip,  hacks  from  Trenton, 
and  the  regulation  stage-coach — all  piled  high  with 
bags  and  suitcases,  waiting  for  the  bell  that  would 
start  them  on  the  scramble  for  the  Trenton  station, 
five  miles  away.  At  the  horses'  heads  the  lazy  ne- 


THE    GREAT   BIG  MAN  243 

groes  lolled,  drawing  languid  puffs  from  their  cig 
arettes,  unconcerned. 

Suddenly  the  bell  rang  out,  and  the  supine  team 
sters,  galvanising  into  life,  jumped  to  their  seats. 
The  next  moment,  down  the  steps,  pell-mell,  scram 
bling  and  scuffling,  swarming  over  the  carriages, 
with  joyful  clamour,  the  school  arrived.  In  an  in 
stant  the  first  buggies  were  off,  with  whips  franti 
cally  plied,  disputing  at  a  gallop  the  race  to  Trenton. 

Then  the  air  was  filled  with  shouts. 

"Where's  Butsey?" 

"Oh,  you,  Red  Dog!" 

"  Where's  my  bag?  " 

"Jump  in!" 

"  Oh,  we'll  never  get  there ! " 

"  Drive  on !  " 

"Don't  wait!" 

"Where's  Jack?" 

"  Hurry  up,  you  loafer !  " 

"  Hurry  up,  you  butter-fingers ! " 

"Get  in!" 

"Pile  in!" 

"Haul  him  in!" 

"We're  off!" 

"Hurrah!" 


THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

Wagon  after  wagon,  crammed  with  joyful  boy 
hood,  disappeared  in  a  cloud  of  dust,  while  back 
returned  a  confused  uproar  of  broken  cheers, 
snatches  of  songs,  with  whoops  and  shrieks  for  more 
speed  dominating  the  whole.  The  last  load  rollicked 
away  to  join  the  mad  race,  where  far  ahead  a 
dozen  buggies,  with  foam-flecked  horses,  vied  with 
one  another,  their  youthful  jockeys  waving  their 
hats,  hurling  defiance  back  and  forth,  or  shrieking 
with  delight  as  each  antagonist  was  caught  and  left 
behind. 

The  sounds  of  striving  died  away,  the  campus 
grew  still  once  more.  The  few  who  had  elected  to 
wait  until  after  luncheon  scattered  hurriedly  about 
the  circle  and  disappeared  in  the  houses,  to  fling 
last  armfuls  into  the  already  bursting  trunks. 

On  top  of  Memorial  steps  the  Great  Big  Man  re 
mained,  solitary  and  marooned,  gazing  over  the 
fields,  down  the  road  to  Trenton,  where  still  the  rising 
dust-clouds  showed  the  struggle  toward  vacation. 
He  stood  like  a  monument,  gazing  fixedly,  struggling 
with  all  the  might  of  his  twelve  years  to  conquer  the 
awful  feeling  of  homesickness  that  came  to  him. 
Homesickness — the  very  word  was  an  anomaly :  what 
home  had  he  to  go  to?  An  orphan  without  ever 


THE    GREAT   BIG  MAN  245 

having  known  his  father,  scarcely  remembering  his 
mother  in  the  hazy  reflections  of  years,  little  Joshua 
Tibbets  had  arrived  at  the  school  at  the  beginning 
of  the  winter  term,  to  enter  the  shell,*  and  gradually 
pass  through  the  forms  in  six  or  seven  years. 

The  boys  of  the  Dickinson,  after  a  glance  at  his 
funny  little  body  and  his  plaintive,  doglike  face, 
had  baptised  him  the  "  Great  Big  Man  "  (Big  Man 
for  short),  and  had  elected  him  the  child  of  the 
house. 

He  had  never  known  what  homesickness  was  be 
fore.  He  had  had  a  premonition  of  it,  perhaps,  from 
time  to  time  during  the  last  week,  wondering  a  little 
in  the  classroom  as  each  day  Snorky  Green,  beside 
him,  calculated  the  days  until  Easter,  then  the  hours, 
then  the  minutes.  He  had  watched  him  with  an 
amused,  uncomprehending  interest.  Why  was  he  so 
anxious  to  be  off?  After  all,  he,  the  Big  Man, 
found  it  a  pleasant  place,  after  the  wearisome  life 
from  hotel  to  hotel.  He  liked  the  boys ;  they  were 
kind  to  him,  and  looked  after  his  moral  and  spiritual 
welfare  with  bluff  but  affectionate  solicitude.  It  is 
true,  one  was  always  hungry,  and  only  ten  and  a 
half  hours'  sleep  was  a  refinement  of  cruelty  un- 
*The  "shell"  is  the  lowest  class. 


246  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

worthy  of  a  great  institution.  But  it  was  pleasant 
running  over  to  the  jigger-shop  and  doing  errands 
for  giants  like  Reiter  and  Butcher  Stevens,  with 
the  privileges  of  the  commission.  He  liked  to  be 
tumbled  in  the  grass  by  the  great  tackle  of  the 
football  eleven,  or  thrown  gently  from  arm  to  arm 
like  a  medicine-ball,  quits  for  the  privileges  of  pom 
melling  his  big  friends  ad  libitum  and  without  fear 
of  reprisals.  And  then  what  a  privilege  to  be  al 
lowed  to  run  out  on  the  field  and  fetch  the  nose- 
guard  or  useless  bandage,  thrown  down  haphazard, 
with  the  confidence  that  he,  the  Big  Man,  was  there 
to  fetch  and  guard !  Then  he  was  permitted  to  share 
their  studies,  to  read  slowly  from  handy,  literal 
translations,  his  head  cushioned  on  the  Egghead's 
knee,  while  the  lounging  group  swore  genially  at 
Pius  ^Eneas  or  sympathised  with  Catiline.  He 
shagged  elusive  balls  and  paraded  the  bats  at  shoul 
der-arms.  He  opened  the  mail,  and  sorted  it,  fetch 
ing  the  bag  from  Farnum's.  He  was  even  allowed 
to  stand  treat  to  the  mighty  men  of  the  house  when 
ever  the  change  in  his  pocket  became  too  heavy  for 
comfort. 

In  return  he  was  taught  to  box,  to  wind  tennis 
rackets,  to  blacken  shoes,  to  crease  trousers,  and  sew 


THE   GREAT   BIG  MAN  247 

on  the  buttons  of  the  house.  Nothing  was  lacking 
to  his  complete  happiness. 

Then  lately  he  had  begun  to  realise  that  there 
was  something  else  in  the  school  life,  outside  it,  but 
very  much  a  part  of  it — vacation. 

At  first  the  idea  of  quitting  such  a  fascinating 
life  was  quite  incomprehensible  to  him.  What  gorg 
ing  dinner-party  could  compare  with  the  thrill  of 
feasting  at  midnight  on  crackers  and  -cheese,  devilled 
ham,  boned  chicken,  mince  pie  and  root  beer,  by  the 
light  of  a  solitary  candle,  with  the  cracks  of  the 
doors  and  windows  smothered  with  rugs  and  blankets, 
listening  at  every  mouthful  for  the  tread  of  the  mas 
ter  that  sometimes  (oh,  acme  of  delight!)  actually 
passed  unsuspectingly  by  the  door? 

Still,  there  was  a  joy  in  leaving  all  this.  He 
began  to  notice  it  distinctly  when  the  trunks  were 
hauled  from  the  cellar  and  the  packing  began.  The 
packing — what  a  lark  that  had  been !  He  had  folded 
so  many  -coats  and  trousers,  carefully,  in  their 
creases,  under  Macnooder's  generous  instructions, 
and,  perched  on  the  edge  of  the  banisters  like  a 
queer  little  marmoset,  he  had  watched  Wash  Sim 
mons  throw  great  armfuls  of  assorted  clothing  into 
the  trays  and  churn  them  into  place  with  a  baseball 


248  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

bat,  while  the  Triumphant  Egghead  carefully  built 
up  his  structure  with  nicety  and  tenderness.  Only 
he,  the  Big  Man,  sworn  to  secrecy,  knew  what  Hickey 
had  surreptitiously  inserted  in  the  bottom  of  Egg 
head's  trunk,  and  also  what,  from  the  depths  of 
Wash's  muddled  -clothing,  would  greet  the  fond 
mother  or  sister  who  did  the  unpacking;  and  every 
time  he  thought  of  it  he  laughed  one  of  those  laughs 
that  pain.  Then  gleefully  he  had  watched  Macnoo- 
der  stretching  a  strap  until  it  burst  with  consequences 
dire,  to  the  complete  satisfaction  of  Hickey,  Tur 
key,  Wash,  and  the  Egghead,  who,  embracing  fondly 
on  the  top  of  another  trunk,  were  assisting  Butcher 
Stevens  to  close  an  impossible  gap. 

Yet  into  all  this  amusement  a  little  strain  of 
melancholy  had  stolen.  Here  was  a  sensation  of 
which  he  was  not  part,  an  emotion  he  did  not  know. 
Still,  his  imagination  did  not  seize  it;  he  could  not 
think  of  the  halls  quiet,  with  no  familiar  figures  loll 
ing  out  of  the  windows,  or  a  campus  unbrokenly 
green. 

Now  from  his  lonely  eerie  on  Memorial  steps,  look 
ing  down  the  road  to  vacation,  the  Great  Big  Man 
suddenly  understood — understood  and  felt.  It  was 
he  who  had  gone  away,  not  they.  The  school  he 


THE   GREAT   BIG  MAN  249 

loved  was  not  with  him,  but  roaring  down  to  Tren 
ton.  No  one  had  thought  to  invite  him  for  a  visit; 
but  then,  why  should  anyone? 

"  I'm  only  a  runt,  after  all,"  he  said,  angrily,  to 
himself.  He  stuck  his  fists  deep  in  his  pockets,  and 
went  down  the  steps  like  a  soldier  and  across  the 
campus  chanting  valorously  the  football  slogan : 

Bill  kicked, 

Dunham  kicked. 
They  both  kicked  together, 
But  Bill  kicked  mighty  hard. 

Flash  ran, 

Charlie  ran, 

Then  Pennington  lost  her  grip; 
She  also  lost  the  championship — 

Siss,  boom,  ah! 

[After  all,  he  could  sleep  late;  that  was  something. 
Then  in  four  days  the  baseball  squad  would  return, 
and  there  would  be  long  afternoon  practices  to 
watch,  lolling  on  the  turf,  with  an  occasional  foul 
to  retrieve.  He  would  read  The  Count  of  Monte 
Cristo,  and  follow  The  Three  Musketeers  through  a 
thousand  far-off  adventures,  and  Lorna  Doone,— 
there  was  always  the  great  John  Ridd,  bigger  even 
than  Turkey  or  the  Waladoo  Bird. 


250  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

He  arrived  resolutely  at  the  Dickinson,  and  started 
up  the  deserted  stairs  for  his  room.  There  was 
only  one  thing  he  feared;  he  did  not  want  Mrs. 
Rogers,  wife  of  the  housemaster,  to  "  mother " 
him.  Anything  but  that!  He  was  glad  that  after 
luncheon  he  would  have  to  take  his  meals  at  the 
Lodge.  That  would  avert  embarrassing  situations, 
for  whatever  his  friends  might  think,  he,  the  Great 
Big  Man,  was  a  runt  in  stature  only. 

To  express  fully  the  excessive  gaiety  he  enjoyed, 
he  tramped  to  his  room,  bawling  out : 

"'Tis  a  jolly  life  we  lead, 
Care  and  sorrow  we  defy." 

All  at  once  a  gruif  voice  spoke: 

"  My,  what  a  lot  of  noise  for  a  Great  Big  Man ! " 

The  Big  Man  stopped  thunderstruck.  The  voice 
came  from  Butcher  Stevens'  room.  Cautiously  he 
tiptoed  down  the  hall  and  paused,  with  his  funny 
little  nose  and  eyes  peering  around  the  door-jamb. 
Sure  enough,  there  was  Butcher,  and  there  were  the 
Butcher's  trunks  and  bags.  What  could  it  mean? 

"  I  say,"  he  began,  according  to  etiquette,  "  is 
that  you,  Butcher  ?  " 

"Very  much  so,  Big  Man." 


THE   GREAT   BIG   MAN  251 

"  What  are  you  doing  here?  " 

"  The  faculty,  Big  Man,  desire  my  presence," 
said  the  Butcher,  sarcastically.  "  They  would  like 
my  expert  advice  on  a  few  problems  that  are  per 
plexing  them." 

"  Ah,"  said  the  Great  Big  Man,  slowly.  Then  he 
understood.  The  Butcher  had  been  caught  two 
nights  before  returning  by  Sawtelle's  window  at  a 
very  late  hour.  He  did  not  know  exactly  the  facts 
because  he  had  been  told  not  to  be  too  inquisitive, 
and  he  was  accustomed  to  obeying  instructions. 
Supposing  the  faculty  should  expel  him!  To  the 
Big  Man  such  a  sentence  meant  the  end  of  all  things, 
something  too  horrible  to  contemplate.  So  he  said, 
"  Oh,  Butcher,  is  it  serious  ?  " 

"Rather,  youngster;  rather,  I  should  say." 

"  What  will  the  baseball  team  do  ?  "  said  the  Big 
Man,  overwhelmed. 

"  That's  what's  worrying  me,"  replied  the  crack 
first-baseman,  gloomily.  He  rose  and  went  to  the 
window,  where  he  stood  beating  a  tattoo. 

"You  don't  suppose  Crazy  Opdyke  could  cover 
the  bag,  do  you?"  said  the  Big  Man. 

"Lord,  no!" 

"  How  about  Stubby?  " 


252  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

"  Too  short." 

"  They  might  do  something  with  the  Waladoo." 

"  Not  for  first ;  he  can't  stop  anything  below  his 
knees." 

"  Then  I  don't  see  how  we're  going  to  beat  An- 
dover,  Butcher." 

"  It  does  look  bad." 

"Do  you  think  the  faculty  will — will " 

"Fire  me?     Pretty  certain,  youngster." 

"Oh,  Butcher!" 

"  Trouble  is,  they've  got  the  goods  on  me — dead 
to  rights." 

"  But  does  the  Doctor  know  how  it'll  break  up  the 
nine?" 

Butcher  laughed  loudly. 

"  He  doesn't  op-preciate  that,  youngster." 

"No,"  said  the  Big  Man,  reflectively.  "They 
never  do,  do  they?  " 

The  luncheon  bell  rang,  and  they  hurried  down. 
The  Big  Man  was  overwhelmed  by  the  discovery. 
If  Butcher  didn't  cover  first,  how  could  they  ever 
beat  Andover  and  the  Princeton  freshmen?  Even 
Hill  School  and  Pennington  might  trounce  them. 
He  fell  into  a  brown  melancholy,  until  suddenly  he 
caught  the  sympathetic  glance  of  Mrs.  Rogers  on 


THE   GREAT   BIG   MAN  253 

him,  and  for  fear  that  she  would  think  it  was  due  to 
his  own  weakness,  he  began  to  chat  volubly. 

He  had  always  been  a  little  in  awe  of  the  Butcher. 
Not  that  the  Butcher  had  not  been  friendly ;  but  he 
was  so  blunt  and  rough  and  unbending  that  he  rather 
repelled  intimacy.  He  watched  him  covertly,  admir 
ing  the  bravado  with  which  he  pretended  unconcern. 
It  must  be  awful  to  be  threatened  with  expulsion 
and  actually  to  be  expelled,  to  have  your  whole  life 
ruined,  once  and  forever, — The  Big  Man's  heart  was 
stirred.  He  said  to  himself  that  he  had  not  been 
sympathetic  enough,  and  he  resolved  to  repair  the 
error.  So,  luncheon  over,  he  said  with  an  appear 
ance  of  carelessness: 

"  I  say,  old  man,  come  on  over  to  the  jigger-shop. 
I'll  set  'em  up.  I'm  pretty  flush,  you  know." 

The  Butcher  looked  down  at  the  funny  face  and 
saw  the  kindly  motive  under  the  exaggerated  bluff- 
ness.  Being  touched  by  it,  he  said  gruffly: 

i6  Well ;  come  on,  then,  you  old  billionaire !  " 

The  Big  Man  felt  a  great  movement  of  sympathy 
in  him  for  his  big  comrade.  He  would  have  liked 
to  slip  his  little  fist  in  the  great  brown  hand  and 
say  something  appropriate,  only  he  could  think  of 
nothing  appropriate.  Then  he  remembered  that 


254  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

among  men  there  should  be  no  letting  down,  no 
sentimentality.  So  he  lounged  along,  squinting 
up  at  the  Butcher  and  trying  to  copy  his  rolling 
gait. 

At  the  jigger-shop,  Al  lifted  his  eyebrows  in 
well-informed  disapproval,  saying  curtly : 

"What  are  you  doing  here,  you  Butcher,  you?" 

"  Building  up  my  constitution,"  said  Stevens,  with 
a  frown.  "  I'm  staying  because  I  like  it,  of  course. 
Lawrenceville  is  just  lovely  at  Easter:  spring  birds 
and  violets,  and  that  sort  of  thing." 

"  You're  a  nice  one,"  said  Al,  a  baseball  enthusi 
ast.  "Why  couldn't  you  behave  until  after  the 
Andover  game?  " 

"  Of  course ;  but  you  needn't  rub  it  in,"  replied 
the  Butcher,  staring  at  the  floor.  "  Give  me  a  double 
strawberry,  and  heave  it  over." 

Al,  seeing  him  not  insensible,  relented.  He  added 
another  dab  to  the  double  jigger  already  delivered, 
and  said,  shoving  over  the  glass: 

"It's  pretty  hard  luck  on  the  team,  Butcher. 
There's  no  one  hereabouts  can  hold  down  the  bag 
like  you.  Heard  anything  definite?" 

"  No." 

"What  do  you  think?" 


THE   GREAT   BIG   MAN,  g55 

"  I'd  hate  to  say." 

"  Is  anyone  doing  anything?  " 

"  Cap  Kief er  is  to  see  the  Doctor  to-night." 

"  I  say,  Butcher,"  said  the  Big  Man,  in  sudden 
fear,  "  you  won't  go  up  to  Andover  and  play  against 
us,  will  you?  " 

"  Against  the  school !  Well,  rather  not !  "  said  the 
Butcher,  indignantly.  Then  he  added :  "  No ;  if  they 
fire  me,  I  know  what  I'll  do." 

The  Big  Man  wondered  if  he  contemplated  suicide ; 
that  must  be  the  natural  thing  to  do  when  one  is 
expelled.  He  felt  that  he  must  keep  near  Butcher, 
close  all  the  day.  So  he  made  bold  to  wander  about 
with  him,  watching  him  with  solicitude. 

They  stopped  at  Lalo's  for  a  hot  dog,  and  lingered 
at  Bill  Appleby's,  where  the  Butcher  mournfully 
tried  the  new  mits  and  swung  the  bats  with  critical 
consideration.  Then  feeling  hungry,  they  trudged 
up  to  Conover's  for  pancakes  and  syrup.  Every 
where  was  the  same  feeling  of  dismay;  what  would 
become  of  the  baseball  nine?  Then  it  suddenly 
dawned  upon  the  Big  Man  that  no  one  seemed  to 
be  sorry  on  the  Butcher's  account.  He  stopped  with 
a  pancake  poised  on  his  fork,  looked  about  to  make 
sure  no  one  could  hear  him,  and  blurted  out : 


256  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

"  I  say,  Butcher,  it's  not  only  on  account  of  first 
base,  you  know;  I'm  darn  sorry  for  you,  honest."* 

"  Why,  you  profane  little  cuss,"  said  the  Butcher, 
frowning,  "  who  told  you  to  swear  ?  " 

"  Don't  make  fun  of  me,  Butcher,"  said  the  Great 
Big  Man,  feeling  very  little ;  "  I  meant  it." 

"  Conover,"  said  the  Butcher,  loudly,  "  more  pan 
cakes,  and  brown  'em !  " 

He,  too,  had  been  struck  by  the  fact  that  in  the 
general  mourning  there  had  been  scant  attention 
paid  to  his  personal  fortunes.  He  had  prided  him 
self  on  the  fact  that  he  was  not  susceptible  to 
"  feelings,"  that  he  neither  gave  nor  asked  for  sym 
pathy.  He  was  older  than  his  associates,  but  years 
had  never  reconciled  him  to  Latin  or  Greek  or,  for 
that  matter,  to  mathematics  in  simple  or  aggravated 
form.  He  had  been  the  bully  of  his  village  out  in 
northern  Iowa,  and  when  a  stranger  came,  he 
trounced  him  first,  and  cemented  the  friendship  af 
terward.  He  liked  hard  knocks,  give  and  take.  He 
liked  the  school  because  there  was  the  long  football 
season  in  the  autumn,  with  the  joy  of  battling,  with 
every  sinew  of  the  body  alert  and  the  humming  of 
cheers  indistinctly  heard,  as  he  rammed  through  the 


THE    GREAT   BIG   MAN  257 

yielding  line.  Then  the  spring  meant  long  hours  of 
romping  over  the  smooth  diamond,  cutting  down  im 
possible  hits,  guarding  first  base  like  a  bull-dog,  pull 
ing  down  the  high  ones,  smothering  the  wild  throws 
that  came  ripping  along  the  ground,  threatening  to 
jump  up  against  his  eyes,  throws  that  other  fellows 
dodged.  He  was  in  the  company  of  equals,  of  good 
fighters,  like  Charley  De  Soto,  Hickey,  Flash  Condit, 
and  Turkey,  fellows  it  was  a  joy  to  fight  beside. 
Also,  it  was  good  to  feel  that  four  hundred-odd 
wearers  of  the  red  and  black  put  their  trust  in  him, 
and  that  trust  became  very  sacred  to  him.  He  played 
hard — very  hard,  but  cleanly,  because  combat  was 
the  joy  of  his  life  to  him.  He  broke  other  rules,  not 
as  a  lark,  but  out  of  the  same  fierce  desire  for  battle, 
to  seek  out  danger  wherever  he  could  find  it.  He 
had  been  caught  fair  and  square,  and  he  knew  that 
for  that  particular  offence  there  was  only  one  punish 
ment.  Yet  he  hoped  against  hope,  suddenly  realising 
what  it  would  cost  him  to  give  up  the  great  school 
where,  however,  he  had  never  sought  friendships  or 
anything  beyond  the  admiration  of  his  mates. 

The  sympathy  of  the  Big  Man  startled  him,  then 
made  him  uncomfortable.     He  had  no  intention  of 


258  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

crying  out,  and  he  did  not  like  or  understand  the 
new  emotion  that  rose  in  him  as  he  wondered  when 
his  sentence  would  come. 

"  Well,  youngster,"  he  said,  gruffly,  "  had  enough  ? 
Have  another  round  ?  " 

"I've  had  enough,"  said  the  Big  Man,  heaving  a 
sigh.  "  Let  me  treat,  Butcher." 

"  Not  to-day,  youngster." 

"  Butcher,  I— I'd  like  to.    I'm  awfully  flush." 

"  Not  to-day." 

"  Let's  match  for  it." 

"What!"  said  the  Butcher,  fiercely,  "Don't  let 
me  hear  any  more  of  that  talk.  You've  got  to  grow 
up  first." 

The  Big  Man,  thus  rebuked,  acquiesced  meekly. 
The  two  strolled  back  to  the  campus  in  silence. 

"  Suppose  we  have  a  catch,"  said  the  Big  Man, 
tentatively. 

"  All  right,"  said  the  Butcher,  smiling. 

Intrenched  behind  a  gigantic  mit,  the  Big  Man 
strove  valorously  to  hold  the  difficult  balls.  After 
a  long  period  of  this  mitigated  pleasure  they  sat 
down  to  rest.  Then  Cap  Kiefer's  stocky  figure  ap 
peared  around  the  Dickinson,  and  the  Butcher  went 
off  for  a  long,  solemn  consultation. 


THE    GREAT   BIG   MAN  259 

The  Big  Man,  thus  relieved  of  responsibility,  felt 
terribly  alone.  He  went  to  his  room  and  took  down 
volume  two  of  The  Count  of  Monte  Cristo,  and 
stretched  out  on  the  window-seat.  Somehow  the 
stupendous  adventures  failed  to  enthrall  him.  It  was 
still  throughout  the  house.  He  caught  himself  lis 
tening  for  the  patter  of  Hickey's  shoes  above, 
dancing  a  breakdown,  or  the  rumble  of  Egghead's 
laugh  down  the  hall,  or  a  voice  calling,  "  Who  can 
lend  me  a  pair  of  suspenders?  " 

And  the  window  was  empty.  It  seemed  so 
strange  to  look  up  from  the  printed  page  and  find 
no  one  in  the  Woodhull  opposite,  shaving  painfully 
at  the  window,  or  lolling  like  himself  over  a  novel, 
all  the  time  keeping  an  eye  on  the  life  below.  He 
could  not  jeer  at  Two  Inches  Brown  and  Crazy  Op- 
dyke  practising  curves,  nor  assure  them  that  the 
Dickinson  nine  would  just  fatten  on  those  easy  ones. 
No  one  halloed  from  house  to  house,  no  voice  below 
drawled  out: 

"  Oh,  you  Great  Big  Man!  Stick  your  head  out 
of  the  window !  " 

There  was  no  one  to  call  across  for  the  time  o* 
day,  or  for  just  a  nickel  to  buy  stamps,  or  for  the 
loan  of  a  baseball  glove,  or  a  sweater,  or  a  collar 


260  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

button,  scissors,  button-hook,  or  fifty  and  one  ar 
ticles  that  are  never  bought  but  borrowed. 

The  Great  Big  Man  let  The  Count  of  Monte 
Cristo  tumble  unheeded  on  the  floor,  seized  a  ten 
nis  ball,  and  went  across  the  campus  to  the  esplanade 
of  the  Upper  House,  where  for  half  an  hour  he 
bounced  the  ball  against  the  rim  of  the  ledge,  a  privi 
lege  that  only  a  fourth  former  may  enjoy.  Tiring 
of  this,  he  wandered  down  to  the  pond,  where  he 
skimmed  innumerable  flat  stones  until  he  had  ex 
hausted  the  attractions  of  this  limited  amusement. 

"I — I'm  getting  homesick,"  he  admitted  finally. 
"  I  wish  I  had  a  dog — something  living — around." 

At  supper-time  he  saw  the  Butcher  again,  and 
forgot  his  own  loneliness  in  the  -concern  he  felt 
for  his  big  friend.  He  remembered  that  the  Butcher 
had  said  that  if  he  were  expelled  he  knew  what  he 
would  do.  What  had  he  meant  by  that  ?  Something 
terrible.  He  glanced  up  at  the  Butcher,  and,  being 
very  apprehensive,  made  bold  to  ask: 

"  Butcher,  I  say,  what  does  Cap  think?  " 

"  He  hasn't  seen  the  Doctor  yet,"  said  the  Butcher. 
"  He'll  see  him  to-night.  I  guess  I'll  go  over  my 
self,  just  to  leave  a  calling-card  accordin'  to  et- 
iquette!" 


THE   GREAT   BIG   MAN  261 

The  Big  Man  kept  his  own  counsel,  but  when  the 
Butcher,  after  dinner,  disappeared  through  the  aw 
ful  portal  of  Foundation  House,  he  sat  down  in  the 
dark  under  a  distant  tree  to  watch.  In  a  short  five 
minutes  the  Butcher  reappeared,  stood  a  moment 
undecided  on  the  steps,  stooped,  picked  up  a  hand 
ful  of  gravel,  flung  it  into  the  air  with  a  laugh,  and 
started  along  the  'Circle. 

"  Butcher ! " 

"Hello,  who's  that!" 

"  It's  me,  Butcher,"  said  the  Big  Man,  slipping 
his  hand  into  the  other's ;  "  I — I  wanted  to  know." 

"  You  aren't  going  to  get  sentimental,  are  you, 
youngster?"  said  Stevens,  disapprovingly. 

"  Please,  Butcher,"  said  the  Great  Big  Man, 
pleadingly,  "  don't  be  cross  with  me !  Is  there  any 
hope?" 

"  The  Doctor  won't  see  me,  young  one,"  said  the 
Butcher,  "  but  the  atmosphere  was  not  encourag- 
ing." 

"  I'm  sorry." 

"Honest?" 

"  Honest." 

"You  damn  little  runt!" 

They  went  hand  in  hand  over  to  the  chapel,  where 


THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

they  chose  the  back  steps  and  settled  down  with  the 
great  walls  at  their  back  and  plenty  of  gravel  at 
their  feet  to  fling  aimlessly  into  the  dusky  night. 

"Butcher?" 

"Well,  Big  Man!" 

"  What  will  you  do  if— if  they  fire  you?  " 

"  Oh,  lots  of  things.  I'll  go  hunting  for  gold 
somewhere,  or  strike  out  for  South  America  or 
Africa." 

"  Oh ! "  The  Big  Man  was  immensely  relieved ; 
but  he  added  incredulously,  "  Then  you'll  give  up 
football  and  baseball?  " 

"  Looks  that  way." 

"You  won't  mind?" 

"  Yes,"  said  the  Butcher,  suddenly,  "  I  will  mind. 
I'll  hate  to  leave  the  old  school.  I'd  like  to  have  one 
chance  more." 

"Why  don't  you  tell  the  Doctor  that?" 

"  Never !  I  don't  cry  out  when  I'm  caught, 
youngster.  I  take  my  punishment." 

"Yes,"  said  the  Big  Man,  reflecting.  "That's 
right,  I  suppose ;  but,  then,  there's  the  team  to  think 
of,  you  know." 

They  sat  for  a  long  time  in  silence,  broken  sud 
denly  by  the  Butcher's  voice,  not  so  gruff  as  usual. 


THE   GREAT   BIG   MAN  263 

"  Say,  Big  Man — feeling  sort  of  homesick?  " 

No  answer. 

"Just  a  bit?" 

Still  no  answer.  The  Butcher  looked  down,  and 
saw  the  Big  Man  struggling  desperately  to  hold  in 
the  sobs. 

"  Here,  none  of  that,  youngster !  "  he  exclaimed  in 
alarm.  "  Brace  up,  old  man !  " 

"  I — I'm  all  right,"  said  the  Great  Big  Man  with 
difficulty.  "It's  nothing." 

The  Butcher  patted  him  on  the  shoulder,  and  then 
drew  his  arm  around  the  little  body.  The  Big  Man 
put  his  head  down  and  blubbered,  just  as  though  he 
had  been  a  little  fellow,  while  his  companion  sat  per 
plexed,  wondering  what  to  do  or  say  in  the  strange 
situation. 

"  So  he's  a  little  homesick,  is  he?  "  he  said  lamely. 

"  N-o-o,"  said  the  Great  Big  Man,  "  not  just  that; 
it's — it's  all  the  fellows  I  miss." 

The  Butcher  was  silent.  He,  too,  began  to  under 
stand  that  feeling ;  only  he,  in  his  battling  pride,  re 
sisted  fiercely  the  weakness. 

"You've  got  an  uncle  somewhere,  haven't  you, 
youngster  ?  "  he  said  gently.  "  Doesn't  he  look  after 
you  in  vacation-time?  " 


THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

"  I  don't  miss  him,"  replied  the  Big  Man,  shaking 
his  head.  Then  he  pulled  himself  together  and  said 
apologetically:  "It's  just  being  left  behind  that 
makes  me  such  a  damned  cry-baby." 

"  Youngster,"  said  the  Butcher,  sternly,  "  your 
language  is  af-rocious.  Such  words  do  not  sound 
well  in  the  mouth  of  a  suckling  of  your  size." 

"  I  didn't  mean  to,"  said  the  Big  Man,  blush 
ing. 

"  You  must  leave  something  to  grow  up  for,  young 
man,"  said  the  Butcher,  profoundly.  "  Now  tell  me 
about  that  uncle  of  yours.  I  don't  fancy  his 
silhouette." 

The  Great  Big  Man,  thus  encouraged,  poured  out 
his  lonely  starved  little  heart,  while  the  Butcher 
listened  sympathetically,  feeling  a  certain  comfort  in 
sitting  with  his  arm  around  a  little  fellow-being. 
Not  that  he  was  sensible  of  giving  much  comfort ; 
his  comments,  he  felt,  were  certainly  inadequate ;  nor 
did  he  measure  in  any  way  up  to  the  situation. 

"Now  it's  better,  eh,  Big  Man?"  he  said  at  last 
when  the  little  fellow  had  stopped.  "  Does  you  sort 
of  good  to  talk  things  out." 

"  Oh,  yes ;  thank  you,  Butcher." 

"  All  right,  then,  youngster." 


THE    GREAT   BIG   MAN  265 

"  All  right.  I  say,  you — you  don't  ever  feel  that 
way,  do  you — homesick,  I  mean?" 

"  Not  much." 

"  You've  got  a  home,  haven't  you?  " 

"  Quite  too  much,  young  one.  If  they  fire  me, 
I'll  keep  away  from  there.  Strike  out  for  myself." 

"  Of  course,  then,  it's  different." 

"  Young  one,"  said  the  Butcher,  suddenly,  "  that's 
not  quite  honest.  If  I  have  to  clear  out  of  here,  it 
will  cut  me  up  considerable." 

"Honest?" 

"  A  fact.  I  didn't  know  it  before ;  but  It  will  cut 
me  up  to  strike  out  and  leave  all  this  behind.  I  want 
another  chance;  and  do  you  know  why?  " 

"Why?" 

"  I'd  like  to  make  friends.  Oh,  I  haven't  got  any 
real  friends,  youngster ;  you  needn't  shake  your  head. 
It's  my  fault.  I  know  it  You're  the  first  mortal 
soul  who  cared  what  became  of  me.  All  the  rest  are 
thinking  of  the  team." 

"  Now,  Butcher " 

"  Lord !  don't  think  I'm  crying  out ! "  said  the 
Butcher,  in  instant  alarm.  "  It's  all  been  up  to  me. 
Truth  is,  I've  been  too  darned  proud.  But  I'd  like 
to  get  another  whack  at  it." 


266  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

"  Perhaps  you  will,  Butcher." 

"  No,  no,  there's  no  reason  why  I  should."  The 
Butcher  sat  solemnly  a  moment,  flinging  pebbles 
down  into  the  dark  tennis  courts.  Suddenly  he  said : 
"  Look  here,  Big  Man,  I'm  going  to  give  you  some 
good  advice." 

"  All  right,  Butcher." 

**  And  I  want  you  to  tuck  it  away  in  your  thinker 
— savez?  You're  a  nice  kid  now,  a  good  sort,  but 
you've  got  a  lot  of  chances  for  being  spoiled.  Don't 
get  fresh.  Don't  get  a  swelled  head  just  because  a 
lot  of  the  older  fellows  let  you  play  around.  There's 
nothing  so  hateful  in  the  sight  of  God  or  man  as  a 
fresh  kid." 

"  You  don't  think "  began  the  Big  Man  in 

dismay. 

"  No ;  you're  all  right  now.  You're  quiet,  and 
don't  tag  around,  and  you're  a  good  sort,  darned  if 
you  aren't,  and  that's  why  I  don't  want  to  see  you 
spoiled.  Now  a  straight  question:  Do  you  smoke?  " 

"Why,  that  is — well,  Butcher,  I  did  try  once  a 
puff  on  Snookers'  cigarette." 

"  You  ought  to  be  spanked ! "  said  the  Butcher, 
angrily.  "  And  when  I  get  hold  of  Snookers,  I'll 
tan  him.  The  idea  of  his  letting  you!  Don't  you 


THE   GREAT   BIG   MAN  267 

monkey  around  tobacco  yet  a  while.  First  of  all,  it's 
fresh,  and  second,  you've  got  to  grow.  You  want 
to  make  a  team,  don't  you,  while  you're  here?  " 

"  O-o-oh ! "  said  the  Great  Big  Man  with  a  long 
sigh. 

"  Then  just  stick  to  growing.  'Cause  you've  got 
work  cut  out  for  you  there.  Now  I'm  not  preachin' ; 
I'm  saying  that  you  want  to  fill  out  and  grow  up  and 
do  something.  Harkee." 

"All  right." 

"  Cut  out  Snookers  and  that  gang.  Pick  out  the 
fellows  that  count,  as  you  go  along,  and  just  remem 
ber  this,  if  you  forget  the  rest:  if  you  want  to  put 
ducks  in  Tabby's  bed  or  nail  down  his  desk,  do  it 
because  you  want  to  do  it,  not  because  some  other 
fellow  wants  you  to  do  it.  D'ye  hear?  " 

"  Yes,  Butcher." 

"  Remember  that,  youngster ;  if  I'd  stuck  to  it, 
I'd  kept  out  of  a  peck  of  trouble."  He  reflected  a 
moment  and  added :  "  Then  I'd  study  a  little.  It's 
not  a  bad  thing,  I  guess,  in  the  long  run,  and  it  gets 
the  masters  on  your  side.  And  now  jump  up,  and 
we'll  trot  home." 

The  following  night  the  Big  Man,  again  under  his 
tree,  waited  for  the  result  of  the  -conference  that  was 


THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

going  on  inside  Foundation  House  between  the  Doc 
tor  and  the  Butcher  and  Cap  Kiefer.  It  was  long, 
very  long.  The  minutes  went  slowly,  and  it  was  very 
dark  there,  with  hardly  a  light  showing  in  the  circle 
of  houses  that  ordinarily  seemed  like  a  procession  of 
lighted  ferry-boats.  After  an  interminable  hour, 
the  Butcher  and  Cap  came  out.  He  needed  no  word 
to  tell  what  their  attitudes  showed  only  too  plainly : 
the  Butcher  was  expelled! 

The  Big  Man  waited  until  the  two  had  passed  into 
the  night,  and  then,  with  a  sudden  resolve,  went 
bravely  to  the  doorbell  and  rang.  Before  he  quite 
appreciated  the  audacity  of  his  act,  he  found  him 
self  in  the  sanctum  facing  a  much-perplexed  head 
master. 

"  Doctor,  I — I "  The  Big  Man  stopped,  over 
whelmed  by  the  awful  majesty  of  the  Doctor,  on 
whose  face  still  sat  the  grimness  of  the  past  confer 
ence. 

"  Well,  Joshua,  what's  the  matter  ?  "  said  the  head 
master,  relaxing  a  bit  before  one  of  his  favourites. 

"  Please,  sir,  I'm  a  little — a  little  embarrassed,  I'm 
afraid,"  said  the  Great  Big  Man,  desperately. 

"Am  I  so  terrible  as  all  that?"  said  the  Doctor, 
smiling. 

"  Yes,  sir — you  are,"  the  Big  Man  replied  frankly. 


THE    GREAT   BIG   MAN  269 

Then  he  said,  plunging  in,  "  Doctor,  is  the  Butcher — 
is  Stevens — are  you  going  to — expel  him  ?  " 

"  That  is  my  painful  duty,  Joshua,"  said  the  Doc 
tor,  frowning. 

"  Oh,  Doctor,"  said  the  Big  Man  all  in  a  breath, 
"  you  don't  know — you're  making  a  mistake." 

"lam?     Why,  Joshua?" 

"  Because — you  don't  know.  Because  the  Butcher 
won't  tell  you,  he's  too  proud,  sir ;  because  he  doesn't 
want  to  cry  out,  sir." 

"What  do  you  mean  exactly?"  said  the  Doctor 
in  surprise.  "  Does  Stevens  know  you're  here  ?  " 

"  Oh,  Heavens,  no,  sir !  "  said  the  Big  Man  in  hor 
ror.  "  And  you  must  never  tell  him,  sir ;  that  would 
be  too  terrible." 

"  Joshua,"  said  the  Doctor,  impressively,  "  J  am 
expelling  Stevens  because  he  is  just  the  influence  I 
don't  want  boys  of  your  age  to  come  under." 

"  Oh,  yes,  sir,"  said  the  Big  Man,  "  I  know  you 
think  that,  sir ;  but  really,  Doctor,  that's  where  you 
are  wrong ;  really  you  are,  sir." 

The  Doctor  saw  there  was  something  under  the 
surface,  and  he  encouraged  the  little  fellow  to  talk. 
The  Big  Man,  forgetting  all  fear  in  the  seriousness 
of  the  situation,  told  the  listening  head  master  all 
the  Butcher's  conversation  with  him  on  the  chapel 


270  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

steps  the  night  before — told  it  simply  and  eloquently, 
with  an  ardour  that  bespoke  absolute  faith.  Then 
suddenly  he  stopped. 

"  That's  all,  sir,"  he  said,  frightened. 

The  Doctor  rose  and  walked  back  and  forth, 
troubled  and  perplexed.  There  was  no  doubting  the 
sincerity  of  the  recital:  it  was  a  side  of  Stevens  he 
had  not  guessed.  Finally  he  turned  and  rested  his 
hand  on  the  Big  Man's  shoulders. 

"  Thank  you,"  he  said ;  "  it  does  put  another  light 
on  the  question.  I'll  think  it  over." 

When,  ten  days  later,  the  school  came  trickling 
home  along  the  road  from  vacation,  they  saw,  against 
all  hope,  the  Butcher  holding  down  first  base,  frolick 
ing  over  the  diamond  in  the  old  familiar  way,  and  a 
great  shout  of  joy  and  relief  went  up.  But  how  it 
had  happened  no  one  ever  knew,  least  of  all  Cap  and 
the  Butcher,  who  had  gone  from  Foundation  House 
that  night  in  settled  despair. 

To  add  to  Butcher's  mystification,  the  Doctor,  in 
announcing  his  reprieve,  had  added: 

"  I've  decided  to  make  a  change,  Stevens.  I'm 
going  to  put  Tibbetts  in  to  room  with  you.  I  place 
him  in  your  charge.  I'm  going  to  try  a  little  re 
sponsibility  on  you." 


THE    POLITICAL    EDUCATION    OF    MR.    BALDWIN 

IF  Hickey  had  not  been  woefully  weak  in  mathe 
matics  the  famous  Fed.  and  anti-Fed,  riots  would 
probably  never  have  happened.  But  as  revolutions 
turn  on  minor  axes,  Hickey,  who  could  follow  a  foot 
ball  like  a  hound,  could  not  for  the  life  of  him  trace 
X,  the  unknown  factor,  through  the  hedges  of  the 
simplest  equation. 

It  was,  therefore,  with  feelings  of  the  acutest  in 
terest  that  he  waited,  in  the  upper  corridor  of  Me 
morial  Hall,  on  the  opening  morning  of  the  spring 
term,  for  the  appearance  of  Mr.  Baldwin,  the  new 
recruit  to  the  mathematics  department.  The  Hall 

271 


THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

was  choked  with  old  boys  chattering  over  the  doings 
of  the  Easter  vacation,  calling  back  and  forth, 
punching  one  another  affectionately  or  critically  ex 
amining  the  returning  stragglers. 

"  His  name  is  Ernest  Garrison  Baldwin,"  said  the 
Gutter  Pup.  "  Just  graduated,  full  of  honours  and 
that  sort  of  thing." 

"  He  ought  to  be  easy,"  said  Crazy  Opdyke,  hope- 
fully 

"  These  mathematical  sharks  are  always  fancy 
markers,"  interposed  Macnooder. 

"  If  I'm  stuck  in  the  first  row,"  said  the  Egghead 
gloomily,  "  it's  all  up — I  never  could  do  anything 
with  figures." 

"  If  we  want  short  lessons,"  said  Hickey,  waking 
out  of  his  reverie,  "  we've  all  got  to  flunk  in  the  be 
ginning." 

At  this  Machiavellian  analysis  there  was  a  chorus 
of  assent. 

"  Sure." 

"Rickey's  the  boy!" 

"  Red  Dog  and  Poler  Fox  have  got  to  be  kept 
down." 

"  We're  not  pack-horses." 

"  Say,  is  he  green  ?  " 


POLITICAL  EDUCATION  OF  BALDWIN  273 

"  Sure — never  taught  before." 

"  Cheese  it — he's  coming." 

The  group  stood  aside,  intent  on  the  arrival  of  the 
new  adversary.  They  saw  a  stiff  young  man,  al 
ready  bald,  with  a  set,  affable  manner  and  a  pervad 
ing  smile  of  cordiality,  who  entered  the  classroom 
with  a  confident  step,  after  a  nodded: 

"  Ah,  boys — good-morning." 

The  class  filed  in,  eyeing  the  natural  enemy  closely 
for  the  first  indications  of  value  to  aid  them  in  the 
approaching  conflicts. 

"  He's  awfully  serious,"  said  the  Egghead  to  his 
neighbour. 

"  He'll  try  to  drive  us,"  replied  Macnooder,  with 
instinctive  resentment. 

Hickey  said  nothing,  absorbed  in  contemplation  of 
a  momentous  question — how  would  the  new  master 
hear  recitations?  To  solve  a  master's  system  is  to 
be  prepared  in  advance,  and  with  the  exception  of  the 
Roman's  there  was  not  a  system  which  he  had  not 
solved.  Popular  masters,  like  Pa  Dater,  called  you 
up  every  third  day,  which  is  eminently  just  and  con 
ducive  to  a  high  standard  of  scholarship.  The 
Muffin  Head,  in  stealthy  craftiness,  had  a  way  of 
calling  you  up  twice  in  succession  after  you  had 


274  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

flunked  and  were  expecting  a  brief  period  of  im 
munity;  but  this  system  once  solved  gave  ample  op 
portunity  to  redeem  yourself.  The  Doctor,  wiser 
than  the  rest,  wrote  each  name  on  a  card,  shuffled  the 
pack  and  called  for  a  recitation  according  to  chance 
— but  even  the  Doctor  left  the  pack  on  his  desk,  nor 
counted  the  cards  as  all  careful  players  should. 
Other  masters,  like  Tapping  and  Baronson,  trusted 
to  their  intuitions,  seizing  upon  the  boy  whose  counte 
nance  betrayed  a  lurking  apprehension.  Hickey 
took  kindly  to  this  method  and  had  thrived  amaz 
ingly,  by  sudden  flagrant  inattentions  or  noticeable 
gazing  out  of  the  windows,  which  invariably  pro 
cured  him  a  staccato  summons  to  recite  just  as  the 
recitation  neared  the  limited  portion  he  had  studied. 

So  Hickey  sat,  examining  Mr.  Baldwin,  and  spec 
ulating  into  which  classification  he  would  fall. 

"  Now,  boys,"  said  Mr.  Baldwin,  with  an  expanding 
smile,  "  we're  beginning  the  new  term.  I  hope  you'll 
like  me — I  know  I  shall  like  you.  I'm  quite  a  boy 
myself — quite  a  boy,  you  know.  Now  I'm  going 
ahead  on  a  new  principle.  I'm  going  to  assume  that 
you  all  take  an  interest  in  your  work  [the  class  sat 
up].  I'm  going  to  assume  that  you  look  upon  life 
with  seriousness  and  purpose.  I'm  going  to  assume 


POLITICAL  EDUCATION  OF  BALDWIN  275 

that  you  realise  the  sacrifices  your  parents  are  mak 
ing  to  afford  you  an  education.  I'm  not  here  as  a 
taskmaster.  I'm  here  to  help  you,  as  your  friend, 
as  your  companion — as  an  older  brother — that's  it, 
as  an  older  brother.  I  hope  our  interest  in  one  an 
other  will  not  be  limited  to  this  classroom." 

Hickey  and  the  Egghead,  who  had  prominently 
installed  themselves  in  the  front  seats,  led  the  ap 
plause  with  serious,  responsive  faces.  Mr.  Baldwin 
acknowledged  it,  noticing  pleasantly  the  leaders  of 
the  demonstration. 

Then  he  rapped  for  order  and  began  to  call  the 
roll,  seating  the  boys  alphabetically.  He  ran  rapidly 
through  the  F's,  the  G's  and  H's  and,  pausing,  in 
quired  : 

"  Are  there  any  J's  in  the  class?  " 

At  this  excruciatingly  witty  remark,  which  every 
master  annually  blunders  upon,  the  waiting  class 
roared  in  unison,  while  Hinsdale  was  forced  to  slap 
Hickey  mercilessly  on  the  back  to  save  him  from 
violent  hysterics. 

Mr.  Baldwin,  who  suddenly  perceived  he  had  made 
a  pun,  hastily  assumed  a  roguish  expression  and  al 
lowed  a  considerable  moment  for  the  laughter  to  die 
away.  The  session  ended  in  a  gale  of  cordiality. 


276  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

Hickey  and  the  Egghead  paid  a  visit  that  after 
noon  to  the  Griswold,  to  make  the  new  arrival  feel 
quite  at  home. 

"Ah,  boys,"  said  Mr.  Baldwin,  with  a  wringing 
hand-shake,  "  this  is  very  friendly  of  you,  very 
friendly." 

"Mr.  Baldwin,"  said  Hickey  seriously,  "we  were 
very  much  interested  in  what  you  said  to  us  this 
morning." 

"  Indeed,"  said  Baldwin,  gratified.  "  Well,  that 
pleases  me  very  much.  And  I  am  glad  to  see  that 
you  take  me  at  my  word,  and  I  hope  you  will  drop  in 
often.  There  are  lots  of  things  I  want  to  talk  over 
with  you." 

"  Yes,  sir,"  said  the  Egghead.  "  It's  very  kind 
of  you." 

"  Not  at  all,"  said  Baldwin,  with  a  wave  of  his 
hand.  "  My  theory  is  that  a  master  should  be  your 
companion,  and  I  have  one  or  two  ideas  about  educa 
tion  I  am  anxious  to  have  my  boys  interested  in. 
Now,  for  instance,  take  politics;  what  do  you  know 
about  politics  ?  " 

"  Why,  nothing,"  said  Hickey  in  acquiescent  sur 
prise. 

"And  yet  that  is  the  most  vital  thing  you  will 


POLITICAL  EDUCATION  OF  BALDWIN  277 

have  to  face  as  men.  Here's  a  great  national  elec 
tion  approaching,  and  yet,  I  am  certain  not  one  in 
four  hundred  of  you  has  any  clear  conception  of  the 
political  system." 

"  That's  so,  Egghead,"  said  Hickey,  nodding  im 
pressively  at  his  companion.  "  It  is  so." 

"  I  have  a  scheme  I'm  going  to  talk  over  with 
you,"  continued  Baldwin,  "  and  I  want  your  advice. 
Sit  down ;  make  yourselves  comfortable." 

Later  in  the  afternoon  Mr.  Baronson,  Baldwin's 
superior  in  the  Griswold,  dropped  in  with  a  friendly 
inquiry.  Young  Mr.  Baldwin  was  gazing  out  of  the 
window  in  indulgent  amusement.  Mr.  Baronson,  fol 
lowing  his  gaze,  beheld,  in  the  far  campus,  Hickey 
and  Egghead  rolling  over  each  other  like  two  trick 
bears. 

"Well,  Baldwin,  how  goes  it?"  said  Baronson 
genially.  , 

"  Splendidly.  The  boys  are  more  than  friendly. 
We  shall  get  on  famously." 

"  'Danaos  timeo  et  dona  ferentes,'  "  said  Baronson 
shrewdly. 

"  Oh "  Baldwin  objected. 

"  Yes,  yes — I'm  an  old  fogy — old  style,"  said 
Baronson,  cutting  in,  "  but  it's  based  on  good  sci- 


278  THE    PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

entific  researches,  Baldwin.  I  just  dropped  in  for 
a  hint  or  two,  which  you  won't  pay  attention  to — 
never  mind.  When  you've  lived  with  the  young 
human  animal  as  long  as  I  have,  you  won't  have  any 
illusions.  He  doesn't  want  to  be  enlightened.  He 
hasn't  the  slightest  desire  to  be  educated.  He  isn't 
educated.  He  never  will  be.  His  memory  simply 
detains  for  a  short  while,  a  larger  and  larger  num 
ber  of  facts — Latin,  Greek,  history,  mathematics, 
it's  all  the  same — facts,  nothing  but  facts.  He  re 
members  when  he  is  compelled  to,  but  he  is  supremely 
bored  by  the  performance.  All  he  wants  is  to  grow, 
to  play  and  to  get  into  sufficient  mischief.  My  dear 
fellow,  treat  him  as  a  splendid  young  savage,  who 
breaks  a  rule  for  the  joy  of  matching  his  wits  against 
yours,  and  don't  take  him  seriously,  as  you  are  in 
danger  of  doing.  Don't  let  him  take  you  seriously 
or  he  will  lead  you  to  a  cropper." 

Ernest  Garrison  Baldwin  did  not  deign  to  reply — 
the  voice  of  the  older  generation,  of  course !  He  was 
of  the  new,  he  would  replace  old  prejudices  with  new 
methods.  There  were  a  great  many  things  in  the 
world  he  intended  to  change — among  others  this 
whole  antagonistic  spirit  of  education.  So  he  re 
mained  silent,  and  looked  very  dignified. 


POLITICAL  EDUCATION  OF  BALDWIN  279 

Baronson  studied  him,  saw  the  workings  of  his 
mind,  and  smiled. 

"  Never  were  at  boarding-school,  were  you  ?  "  he 
asked. 

"  No,"  said  Baldwin,  drily. 

Baronson  gave  a  glance  at  the  study,  remarked 
the  advanced  note  in  the  shelves,  and  went  to  the 
door. 

"After  all,"  he  said,  with  his  hand  on  the  knob, 
"the  first  year,  Baldwin,  we  learn  more  than  we 
teach." 

"  Gee !  I  think  it's  an  awful  bore,"  said  the  Gutter 
Pup. 

"  I  don't  see  it  either,"  said  the  Egghead. 

"  Who  started  it?  "  asked  Turkey  Reiter. 

"  Hickey  and  Elder  Brother  Baldwin,"  said  the 
Egghead.  "  Hickey's  improving  his  stand." 

"  Hickey,  boy,"  said  Butcher  Stevens,  profession 
ally,  "  you're  consorting  with  awful  low  company." 

"  Hickey,  you  are  getting  to  be  a  greasy  grind," 
said  the  Gutter  Pup. 

"  I  am,  am  I,"  said  Hickey  indignantly.  "  I'd 
like  to  know  if  I'm  not  a  patriot.  I'd  like  to  know 
if  I'm  not  responsible  for  the  atmosphere  of  brotherly 
love  and  the  dove  of  peace  that  floats  around  Bald- 


280  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

win's  classroom.  I'd  like  to  know  if  I'm  not  re 
sponsible  for  his  calling  us  up  alphabetically,  regu 
lar  order,  every  other  day,  no  suspicion,  perfect 
trust — mutual  confidence.  Am  I  right  ?  " 

"You  are  right,  Hickey,  you  are  right,"  said 
Turkey  apologetically.  "  The  binomial  theorem  is 
a  delight  and  a  joy,  when,  as  you  say,  the  master  has 
mutual  trust  in  the  scholar.  But  where  in  blazes, 
Hickey,  did  you  get  this  political  shindy  into  your 
thinker?  " 

"  It's  Elder  Brother's  theory  of  education,"  said 
Hickey  carefully,  "  one  of  his  theories.  Elder 
Brother  is  very  much  distressed  at  the  ignorance,  the 
political  ignorance,  of  the  modern  boy.  Brother  is 
right." 

"  Come  off,"  said  the  Egghead,  glancing  at  him 
suspiciously,  but  Hickey  maintained  a  serious  face. 

"  What's  up  ?  "  said  Macnooder,  sauntering  over 
to  the  crowd  on  the  lawn. 

"  Hickey's  fixed  up  a  plan  with  Brotherly  Love  to 
have  a  political  campaign,"  said  the  Gutter  Pup, 
"  and  is  trying  to  rouse  our  enthusiasm." 

"  A  campaign  here  in  the  school,  in  the  Lawrence- 
vill  School,  John  C.  Green  Foundation ! "  said  Mac 
nooder  incredulously. 


POLITICAL  EDUCATION  OF  BALDWIN  281 

"The  same!" 

"  No  ?  I  won't  believe  it.  It's  a  dream — it's  a 
beautiful,  satisfying  dream,"  said  Macnooder,  shak 
ing  his  head.  "A  political  campaign  in  school; 
Hickey,  my  bounding  boy,  I  see  your  cunning  band !  " 

"  Now  Doc's  gone  nutty,"  said  the  unimaginative 
Egghead.  "  What  the  deuce  do  you  see  in  it?  " 

"  Hickey,  you  old,  rambunctious,  foxy,  prodigious 
Hickey,  I  knew  something  was  brewing,"  said  Doc, 
not  deigning  to  notice  the  Egghead.  "  You  have 
been  quiet,  most  quiet  of  late.  Hickey,  how  did  you 
do  it?  " 

"  Sympathy,  Doc,"  said  Hickey  blandly.  "  I've 
been  most  sympathetic  with  Elder  Brother,  sympa 
thetic  and  most  encouraging.  Sympathy  is  a  beau 
tiful  thing,  Doc,  beautiful  and  rare." 

"  Hickey,  don't  torture  me  with  curiosity,"  said 
Doc.  "  Where  are  we  at?  " 

"At  the  present  moment,  Brother  is  asking  the 
Doctor  for  permission  to  launch  the  campaign,  and 
the  sympathetic,  popular  and  serious  Hickey  Hicks 
is  proceeding  to  select  a  preliminary  conference  com 
mittee." 

"And  what  then?"  said  Turkey,  with  sudden  in 
terest. 


282  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

"  What  then?  "  said  Hickey.  "  Bonfires,  parades, 
stump  speeches,  proclamations,  et  cetera,  et  ceteray." 

"  Oh,  Hickey,"  said  the  now  enthusiastic  Gutter 
Pup,  "  do  you  think  the  Doctor  ever  will  permit  it  ?  " 

"What's  the  use  of  getting  excited?"  said  the 
Egghead  contemptuously.  "  You  don't  fancy  for  a 
moment,  do  you,  there's  a  chance  of  fooling  the 
Doctor?" 

"  Sure,  Egghead's  right,"  said  Butcher  Stevens ; 
"you  won't  get  the  Doctor  to  bite.  Baldwin  is 
green,  but  the  Doctor  is  quite  ripe,  thank  you ! " 

Even  Macnooder  looked  dubiously  at  Hickey,  who 
assumed  an  air  of  superhuman  wisdom  and  answered : 

"  I  have  two  chances,  Baldwin  and  the  De-coy 
Ducks!" 

"The  what?" 

"  Decoy  Ducks ;  the  committee  that  will  confer  to 
morrow  afternoon  with  the  Doctor." 

Turkey  emitted  a  long,  admiring  whistle. 

"  I  have  given  the  matter  thought  —  serious 
thought,  as  Baldwin  would  say,"  said  Hickey. 
"  The  following  collection  of  Archangels  and  young 
High  Markers  will  be  rounded  up  for  the  Doctor's 
inspection  to-morrow." 

"As  Decoy  Ducks?" 


POLITICAL  EDUCATION  OF  BALDWIN  283 

"  As  Decoy  Ducks,  you  intelligent  Turkey. 
High  Markers :  Red  Dog,  Poler  Fox,  Biddy  Hamp 
ton  and  Ginger  Pop  Rooker,  Wash  Simmons — the 
Doctor  would  feed  out  of  Wash's  hand — Crazy  Op- 
dyke — he  reads  Greek  like  Jules  Verne.  Everything 
must  be  done  to  make  this  a  strictly  ed-u-cational 
affair.  Now  to  demonstrate  that  it  has  the  sanction 
of  the  religious  element  of  this  community  the  follow 
ing  notorious  and  flagrant  Archangels  will  qualify: 
Halo  Brown,  Pink  Rabbit,  Parson  Eddy,  the  Sap- 
head  and  the  Coffee  Cooler — the  Doctor  is  real  affec 
tionate  with  the  Coffee  Cooler." 

"What  a  beoo-ti-ful  bunch!"  said  the  Gutter 
Pup  rapturously. 

"  It  is,"  said  Hickey,  proudly ;  "  the  Doctor  would 
let  any  one  of  them  correct  his  own  examination 
papers  and  raise  the  mark  afterward  on  the  ground 
of  overconscientiousness." 

"Well,  where's  the  fun?"  said  the  Egghead  ob 
stinately.  "  If  Crazy  Opdyke  and  that  bunch  is  to 
run  the  campaign,  where  do  we  -come  in?" 

"  There  will  be  a  small  preliminary  representation 
of  professional  politicians,"  said  Hickey,  smiling, 
"  very  small  at  present,  limited  to  the  handsome  and 
popular  Hickey  Hicks,  who  will  represent  the  large 


284  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

body  of  professional  politicians  who  will  be  detained 
at  home  by  hard  work  and  serious  application, 
but " 

"  But  what?  "  said  Macnooder! 

"  But  who  will  find  time  to  ac-tively  assist  this 
quiet,  orderly  campaign  of  education,  after  their 
presence  will  not  be  misunderstood ! " 

At  half -past  one  the  next  day,  the  Doctor,  sympa 
thetically  inclined  by  the  enthusiastic,  if  inexperi 
enced,  Mr.  Baldwin,  received  the  Decoy  Ducks  in  his 
study  at  Foundation  House. 

The  Doctor,  while  interested,  had  not  been  con 
vinced,  and  had  expressed  a  desire  to  know  into  whose 
guidance  the  nurturing  of  such  a  tender  plant  had 
been  intrusted.  As  the  impressive  gathering  defiled 
before  him,  his  instinctive  caution  vanished,  his 
glance  warmed  with  satisfaction,  and  assuming  the 
genial  and  conversational  attitude  he  reserved  for 
his  favourites,  he  began : 

"  Well,  boys,  this  appears  to  be  a  responsible  gath 
ering,  an  unusually  responsible  one.  It  is  gratifying 
to  see  you  approaching  such  subjects  with  serious 
purpose  and  earnestness.  It  is  gratifying  that  the 
leaders  of  this  school  "  (here  his  glance  rested  fondly 


POLITICAL  EDUCATION  OF  BALDWIN  285 

on  Wash  Simmons,  Crazy  Opdyke  and  the  Coffee 
Cooler,  prominently  placed)  "  that  the  earnest,  pur 
poseful  boys  show  this  interest  in  the  political  wel 
fare  of  the  nation.  Mr.  Baldwin's  plan  seems  to  me 
to  be  a  most  excellent  one.  I  am  in  hearty  accord 
with  its  motive.  We  cannot  begin  too  soon  to  interest 
the  youth,  the  intelligent,  serious  youth  of  our  coun 
try  in  honest  government  and  -clean  political  methods." 
(Hickey,  in  noble  effacement  by  the  window-seat, 
here  gazed  dreamily  over  the  campus  to  the  red  circle 
of  houses.)  "Much  can  be  accomplished  from  the 
earnest  and  purposeful  pursuit  of  this  instructive  ex 
periment.  The  experiment  should  be  educational  in 
the  largest  sense ;  the  more  I  study  it  the  more  worthy 
it  appears.  I  should  not  be  surprised  if  your  ex 
periment  should  attract  the  consideration  of  the  edu 
cational  world.  Mr.  Baldwin,  it  gives  me  pleasure 
to  express  to  you  my  thanks  and  my  gratification  for 
the  authorship  of  so  worthy  an  undertaking.  I  will 
leave  you  to  a  discussion  of  the  necessary  details." 

"  Well,  boys,"  said  Baldwin  briskly,  "  let  me  briefly 
outline  the  plan  agreed  upon.  The  election  shall  be 
for  a  school  council,  before  which  legislation  affect 
ing  the  interests  of  the  school  shall  come.  Each  of 
the  four  forms  shall  elect  two  representatives,  each 


286  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

of  the  ten  houses  shall  elect  one  representative,  mak 
ing  a  deliberative  body  of  eighteen.  In  view  of  the 
fact  that  the  approaching  national  election  might 
inject  unnecessary  bitterness  if  the  election  should 
be  on  national  issues,  we  have  decided,  on  the  very 
excellent  suggestion  of  Hicks,  who  has  indeed  given 
many  valuable  suggestions "  (Hickey  looked  pre- 
ternaturally  solemn),  "to  have  the  election  on  a 
matter  of  school  policy,  and  have  settled  upon  the 
athletic  finances  as  an  issue  of  sufficient  interest  and 
yet  one  that  can  be  calmly  and  orderly  discussed. 
At  present,  the  management  of  the  athletic  finances 
is  in  the  hands  of  selected  officers  from  the  fourth 
form.  The  issue,  then,  is  whether  this  method  shall 
be  continued  or  whether  a  member  of  the  faculty 
shall  administer  the  finances.  I  should  suggest  Fed 
eralists  and  Anti-Federalists  as  names  for  the  parties 
you  will  form.  One  week  will  be  given  to  campaign 
ing  and  the  election  will  take  place  according  to  the 
Australian  ballot  system.  Now,  boys,  I  wish  you 
success.  You  will  acquire  a  taste  for  public  combat 
and  a  facility  in  the  necessary  art  of  politics  that  will 
nurture  in  you  a  desire  to  enter  public  life,  to  take 
your  part  in  the  fight  for  honest  politics,  clean  meth 
ods,  independent  thinking,  and  will  make  you  foes 


POLITICAL  EDUCATION  OF  BALDWIN  287 

of  intimidation,  bribery,  cheating  and  that  dema- 
goguery  that  is  the  despair  of  our  present  system. 
At  present  you  may  be  indifferent,  a  little  bored,  per 
haps,  at  this  experiment,  but  you  will  like  it — I  am 
sure  you  will  like  it.  I  prophesy  it  will  interest  you 
once  you  get  started." 

Hickey  lingered  after  the  meeting  to  explain  that 
the  duties  incident  to  the  organising  of  such  an  im 
portant  undertaking  had  unfortunately  deprived  him 
of  the  time  necessary  to  prepare  his  advanced 
algebra. 

"  Well,  that  is  a  little  matter  we'll  overlook, 
Hicks,"  said  the  enthusiast  genially.  "  I  congratu 
late  you  on  your  selection,  an  admirable  committee, 
one  that  inspires  confidence.  Keep  me  in  touch  with 
developments  and  call  on  me  for  advice  at  any  time." 

"  Yes,  indeed,  sir." 

"  Good  luck." 

"  Thank  you,  sir." 

A  half  hour  later  Hickey  announced  the  addition 
of  the  following  professional  politicians:  Tough 
McCarthy,  Doc  Macnooder,  The  Triumphant  Egg 
head,  Slugger  Jones,  Turkey  Reiter,  Cheyenne  Bax 
ter,  Jock  Hasbrouck,  Butcher  Stevens,  Rock  Bemis 
and  Bat  Greer. 


288  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

The  reinforced  -committee  then  met,  divided  equit 
ably,  and  having  tossed  for  sides,  announced  their 
organisation,  as  follows: 

FEDERALIST    PARTY 
Chairman:  THE  HON.  TOUGH  MCCARTHY 
Vice-Chairman:  THE  HON.  GINGER  POP  ROOKER 

ANTI-FEDERALIST   PARTY 
Chairman:  HON.  CHEYENNE  BAXTER 
V ice-Chairman:  HON.  HICKEY  HICKS 

The  school  was  at  first  apathetic,  then  mildly  in 
terested.  The  scheme  was  examined  with  suspicion 
as  perhaps  being  a  veiled  attempt  of  the  faculty  to 
increase  the  already  outrageous  taxes  on  the  mind. 
It  looked  prosy  enough  at  first  glance — perhaps  an 
attempt  to  revive  the  interest  in  debating  and  so  to 
be  fiercely  resisted. 

For  an  hour  the  great  campaign  for  political  edu 
cation  hung  fire  and  then  suddenly  it  began  to  catch 
on.  A  few  leading  imaginations  had  seen  the  latent 
possibilities.  In  another  hour  apathy  had  disap 
peared  and  every  house  was  discussing  the  moment 
ous  question  whether  to  go  Fed  or  Anti-Fed. 

The  executive  committee  of  the  Federalist  party 
met  immediately,  on  a  call  from  the  Honourable 


POLITICAL  EDUCATION  OF  BALDWIN  289 

Cheyenne  Baxter,  in  the  Triumphant  Egghead's 
rooms  for  organisation  and  conference. 

"We've  got  the  short  end  of  it,  all  right,  all 
right,"  said  Butcher  Stevens  gloomily.  "  The  idea 
of  our  standing  up  for  the  faculty." 

"  That's  right,  Cheyenne,"  said  Turkey,  shaking 
his  head.  "  We'll  be  left  high  and  dry." 

"  We  won't  carry  any  house  outside  the  Dickinson 
and  the  Woodhull,"  said  Slugger  Jones. 

"  I'd  like  to  make  a  suggestion,"  said  Crazy  Op- 
dyke. 

"  We've  got  to  plan  two  campaigns,"  said  Chey 
enne,  "  one  for  the  election  from  the  forms  and  one 
for  the  control  of  the  houses.  Let's  take  up  the 
forms— the  fourth  form  will  go  solidly  against  us." 

"  Sure,"  said  Doc  Macnooder,  "  because  if  we  win 
they  lose  control  of  the  finances." 

"  I  have  a  suggestion,"  said  Crazy  Opdyke  for  the 
second  time. 

"  Now,"  said  Cheyenne,  "  we've  got  to  make  this  a 
matter  of  the  school  against  the  fourth  form,  and  it 
oughtn't  to  be  so  hard,  either.  Now,  how're  we  go 
ing  to  do  it  ?  First,  what  have  we  got  ?  " 

"  The  Dickinson  and  the  Woodhull,"  said  Hickey. 

"  Yes,  we  can  be  sure  of  those,  but  that's   all. 


290  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

Now,  those  Feds,  with  Jock  Hasbrouck  and  Tough 
McCarthy,  will  swing  the  Kennedy  and  the  Gris- 
wold." 

"  The  Davis  House  will  be  against  us,"  said  Mac- 
nooder,  with  conviction.  "  They're  just  aching  to 
get  back  at  the  Dickinson." 

"That's  so,"  said  Turkey.  "They're  still  sore 
because  we  won  the  football  championship." 

"  The  Davis  will  pull  the  Rouse  House  with  it," 
said  Hickey  gloomily.  "  They're  forty  in  the  Davis 
and  only  twelve  in  the  Rouse.  The  Davis  would 
mangle  them  if  they  ever  dared  go  our  way." 

"We've  got  to  counteract  that  by  getting  the 
Green,"  said  Cheyenne.  "  They're  only  ten  there, 
but  it  makes  a  vote.  The  fight'll  be  in  the  Hamill 
and  the  Cleve." 

"  The  Cleve  is  sore  on  us,"  said  Turkey  of  the 
Dickinson,  "  because  we  swiped  the  ice  cream  last  year 
for  their  commencement  dinner." 

"  I've  got  an  idea,"  said  Crazy  Opdyke,  trying  to 
be  heard. 

"  Shut  up,  Crazy,"  said  Doc.  "  You've  served 
your  purpose;  you're  a  Decoy  Duck  and  nothing 
else." 

"  Harmony ! "  said  Cheyenne  warningly.     "  The 


POLITICAL  EDUCATION  OF  BALDWIN  291 

way  to  get  the  Green  is  to  give  Butsey  White,  down 
there,  the  nomination  from  the  second  form,  if  he'll 
swing  the  house." 

"  And  put  up  Bronc  Andrews  in  the  Hamill," 
added  Macnooder. 

"  Where  do  I  come  in  ?  "  said  Crazy  Opdyke,  who 
had  aspirations. 

"  You  subordinate  yourself  to  the  success  of  your 
party,"  said  Cheyenne. 

"  The  devil  I  do,"  said  Opdyke.  "  If  you  think 
I'm  a  negro  delegate,  you've  got  another  think  com 
ing.  I  may  be  a  Decoy  Duck,  but  either  I'm  made 
chairman  of  a  Finance  Committee  or  I  lead  a  bolt 
right  out  of  this  convention." 

"A  Finance  Committee?"  said  Butcher  Stevens, 
mystified. 

"  Sure,"  said  Cheyenne  Baxter.  "  That's  most 
important." 

"  I'll  take  that  myself,  then,"  said  Macnooder  ag 
gressively.  "I'd  like  to  know  what  claim  Crazy's 
got  to  a  position  of  trust  and  responsibility." 

"  Claim  or  no  claim,"  said  Opdyke,  pulling  his 
hat  over  his  eyes  and  tilting  back,  "  either  I  handle 
the  funds  of  this  here  campaign  or  the  Anti-Fed 
eralist  party  begins  to  split." 


292  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

"  Shall  a  half-plucked  rooster  from  the  Cleve 
House  hold  up  this  convention  ?  "  said  Wash  Sim 
mons  militantly.  "  If  we're  going  to  be  black-jacked 
by  every  squid  that  comes  down  the  road,  I'm  going 
to  get  out." 

"  I  have  spoken,"  said  Crazy. 

"  So  have  I." 

"  Gentlemen,  gentlemen,"  protested  the  Honour 
able  Cheyenne  Baxter,  "  we  must  have  harmony." 

"  Rats ! "  said  Opdyke.     "  I  demand  a  vote." 

"  I  insist  upon  it,"  said  Wash. 

The  vote  was  taken  and  Macnooder  was  declared 
chairman  of  the  Finance  Committee.  Crazy  Opdyke 
arose  and  made  them  a  profound  bow. 

"  Gentlemen,  I  have  the  honour  of  bidding  you 
farewell,"  he  said,  loftily.  "  The  voice  of  freedom 
has  been  stifled.  This  great  party  is  in  the  hands  of 
commercial  interests  and  private  privilege.  This  is 
nothing  but  a  Dickinson  House  sinecure.  I  retire,  I 
withdraw,  I  shake  the  dust  from  my  feet.  I  depart, 
but  I  shall  not  sleep,  I  shall  not  rest,  I  shall  neither 
forget  nor  forgive.  Remember,  gentlemen  of  the 
Anti-Federalist  party,  this  hour,  and  when  in  the 
stillness  of  the  night  you  hear  the  swish  of  the 
poisoned  arrow,  the  swirl  of  the  tomahawk,  the  thud 


POLITICAL  EDUCATION  OF  BALDWIN  293 

of  the  secret  stone,  pause  and  say  to  yourself,  *  Crazy 
Opdyke  done  it ! '  " 

"  It  is  unfortunate,"  said  Cheyenne,  when  Crazy 
had  departed,  "  most  unfortunate,  but  that's  pol 
itics." 

"  Crazy  has  no  influence,"  said  Wash,  contemptu 
ously. 

"  He  has  our  secrets,"  said  Cheyenne  gloomily. 

"  Let's  get  to  work,"  said  Macnooder.  "  You  can 
bet  Tough  McCarthy's  on  the  job;  his  father's  an 
alderman." 

At  six  o'clock  the  campaign  was  off  with  a  rush. 
!At  seven  the  head  master,  all  unsuspecting,  stepped 
out  from  Foundation  House,  cast  one  fond  glance  at 
the  familiar  school,  reposing  peacefuly  in  the  twi 
light,  and  departed  to  carry  the  message  of  in 
creased  liberty  in  primary  education  to  a  waiting 
conference  at  Boston.  Shortly  after,  a  delegation  of 
the  school  faculty,  who  had  just  learned  of  the 
prospective  campaign,  hurried  over  in  amazed,  indig 
nant  and  incredulous  protest.  They  missed  the  head 
master  by  ten  minutes  —  but  ten  minutes  make 
history. 

"  Jiminy  crickets ! " 

"  Suffering  Moses ! " 


294  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

"Call  Hickey!" 

"Tell  Hickey!" 

"  Hickey,  stick  your  head  out  of  the  window ! " 

Hickey,  slumbering  peacefully,  in  that  choicest 
period  between  the  rising  bell  and  breakfast,  leaped 
to  the  middle  of  the  floor  at  the  uproar  that  sud 
denly  resounded  through  the  Dickinson. 

He  thrust  his  head  out  of  the  window  and  beheld 
from  the  upper  stories  of  the  Griswold  an  immense 
white  sheet  sagging  in  the  breeze,  displaying  in 
crude  red-flannel  letters  the  following  device: 

NO    APRON-STRINGS  FOR    US 

THE    FEDERAL    PARTY 

WILL  FIGHT  TO  THE  END 

FACULTY   USURPATION 

Hardly  had  his  blinking  eyes  become  accustomed 
to  the  sight  when  a  fresh  uproar  broke  out  on  the 
other  side  of  the  Dickinson. 

"HullyGee!" 

"  Look  at  the  Kennedy !  " 

"  Great  cats  and  little  kittens ! " 

"  Snakes  alive ! " 

"  Look  at  the  Kennedy,  will  you ! " 

"  Hickey,  oh  you,  Hickey ! " 


POLITICAL  EDUCATION  OF  BALDWIN  295 

At  the  sound  of  Macnooder's  voice  in  distress, 
Hickey  realised  the  situation  was  serious  and  rushed 
across  the  hall.  He  found  Macnooder  with  stern  and 
belligerent  gaze  fixed  out  of  the  window.  From  the 
Kennedy  House  another  banner  insolently  displayed 
this  amazing  proclamation : 

DOWN   WITH    THE    GOO-GOOS 
LAWRENCEVILLE    SHALL    NOT    BE 

A    KINDERGARTEN. 

RALLY  TO  THE    FEDERALISTS    AND 

DOWN  THE  DICKINSON  GOO-GOOS 

Hickey  looked  at  Macnooder.  Macnooder  looked 
at  Hickey. 

"  Goo-Goo,"  said  Hickey,  grieved. 

"  Goo-Goo,"  repeated  Doc  sadly.  "  Goo-Goo 
and  Apron-strings.  Hickey,  my  boy,  we  have  got 
to  be  up  and  doing." 

"  Doc,"  said  Hickey,  "  that's  Tough  McCarthy's 
work.  We  never  ought  to  have  let  him  get  away 
from  us." 

"Hickey,  we  must  nail  the  lie,"  said  Doc  sol 
emnly. 

"  The  Executive  Committee  of  the  Anti-Fed  party 
will  meet  in  my  rooms,"  said  Hickey  determinedly, 


296  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

"  directly  after  first  recitation.  We  have  been 
caught  napping  by  a  gang  of  ballot  staffers,  but  we 
will  come  back — Doc,  we  will  come  back ! " 

The  Executive  Committee  met  with  stern  and 
angry  resolve,  like  battling  football  players  between 
the  halves  of  a  desperate  game. 

"  Fellows,"  said  Hickey,  "  while  we  have  slept 
the  enemy  has  been  busy.  We  are  muts,  and  the 
original  pie-faced  mut  is  yours  truly." 

"  No,  Hickey,  if  there's  going  to  be  a  competition 
for  muts,"  said  Cheyenne  Baxter,  "  I'm  the  blue  rib 
bon." 

"  Before  we  bestow  any  more  bouquets,"  said  Mac- 
nooder  sarcastically,  "  let's  examine  the  situation. 
Let's  see  the  worst.  The  Feds  have  the  jump  on  us. 
They've  raised  the  cry  of  'Apron-strings  '  on  us,  and 
it's  going  to  be  a  mighty  hard  one  to  meet." 

"  We'll  never  answer  it,"  said  the  gloomy  Egg 
head  ;  "  we're  beaten  now.  It's  a  rotten  issue  and  a 
rotten  game." 

At  this  moment  the  Gutter  Pup  rushed  in  like  a 
white  fuzzy  dog,  his  eyes  bulging  with  importance 
as  he  delivered  the  bombshell,  that  Crazy  Opdyke 
had  organised  a  Mugwump  party  and  carried  the 
Cleve  House  for  it. 


POLITICAL  EDUCATION  OF  BALDWIN  297 

"  No." 

"  A  Mugwump  party !  " 

"  What  the  deuce  is  he  up  to?  " 

"Order,"  said  Hi-ckey,  stilling  the  tumult  with  a 
shoe  vigorously  applied  to  a  wash-basin.  "  This 
meeting  is  not  a  bunch  of  undertakers.  We  are  here 
to  save  the  party." 

"  Rickey's  right,"  said  Turkey ;  "  let's  get  down 
to  business." 

"  First,"  said  Hickey,  "  let's  have  reports.  What 
has  Treasurer  Macnooder  to  report  ?  " 

The  Mark  Hanna  of  the  campaign  rose,  tightened 
his  belt,  adjusted  his  glasses,  and  announced  amid 
cheers  that  the  Finance  Committee  had  to  report 
sixty-two  dollars  and  forty  cents  in  promissory  notes, 
twelve  dollars  and  thirty-eight  cents  in  cash,  three 
tennis  rackets,  two  jerseys,  one  dozen  caps,  a  bull's- 
eye  lantern  (loaned)  and  a  Flobert  rifle. 

"  We  can  always  have  a  banquet,  even  if  we're 
beaten,"  said  the  Triumphant  Egghead.  The  gloom 
began  to  dissipate. 

"What  has  the  Honourable  Gutter  Pup  to  re 
port  ?  "  said  Cheyenne  Baxter. 

The  Rocky  Mountain  Gazelle  proudly  announced 
the  establishment  of  a  thorough  system  of  espionage, 


298  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

through  the  corrupting  of  Mr.  Klondike  Jackson, 
the  coloured  gentleman  who  waited  on  the  table  at  the 
Kennedy,  and  Mr.  Alcibiades  Bonaparte,  who  shook 
up  the  beds  at  the  Griswold.  He  likewise  reported 
that  young  Muskrat  Foster,  who  was  not  overpopu- 
lar  at  the  Davis  House,  had  perceived  the  great 
truths  of  Anti-Federalism.  He  then  presented  a  bill 
of  two  dollars  and  forty-five  cents  for  the  corrupting 
of  the  Messrs.  Jackson  and  Bonaparte,  with  an  ad 
dition  of  fifty  cents  for  the  further  contaminating 
of  young  Muskrat  Foster. 

"  The  Honourable  Wash  Simmons  will  report," 
said  Cheyenne  Baxter. 

"  Fellows,"  said  Wash,  "  I  ain't  no  silver-tongued 
orator,  and  all  I've  got  to  say  is  that  Butsey  White, 
down  at  the  Green  House,  is  most  sensible  to  the 
honour  of  representing  this  great  and  glorious  party 
of  moral  ideas,  as  congressman  from  the  second 
form,  but " 

"  But  what  ?  "  said  Slugger  Jones. 

"  But  he  kind  of  fears  that  the  other  members  of 
the  Green  House  aren't  quite  up  on  Anti-Federalism, 
and  he  reckons  it  will  take  quite  a  little  literature 
to  educate  them." 

"  Literature?  "  said  Cheyenne,  mystified. 


POLITICAL  EDUCATION  OF  BALDWIN  299 

"  About  eight  volumes,"  said  Wash.  "  Eight 
green-backed  pieces  of  literature!  " 

"  The  robber ! " 

"  Why,  that's  corruption." 

"  Gentlemen,"  said  Cheyenne,  rapping  for  order, 
"the  question  is,  does  he  get  the  literature?  Ayes 
or  noes." 

"  I  protest,"  interrupted  Hickey.  "  Remember, 
gents,  this  is  a  campaign  for  clean  politics.  We 
will  not  buy  votes,  no !  we  will  only  encourage  local 
enterprises.  The  Green  is  trying  to  fit  themselves 
out  for  the  baseball  season.  I  suggest  contributing 
toward  a  catcher's  mit  and  a  mask,  and  letting  it  go 
at  that." 

On  the  announcement  of  a  unanimous  vote,  the 
Honourable  Wash  Simmons  departed  to  encourage 
local  enterprises. 

"  And  now,  fellows,"  said  Hickey,  "  we  come  to 
the  serious  proposition — the  real  business  of  the 
meeting.  We  have  got  to  treat  with  Crazy  Op- 
dyke." 

"Never!" 

"  Macnooder  must  sacrifice  himself,"  said  Hickey. 
"Am  I  right,  Cheyenne?" 

"  You  are,"  said  Cheyenne.     "  The  campaign  has 


300  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

reached  a  serious  stage.  The  Upper,  the  Kennedy, 
the  Griswold,  the  Davis,  are  already  Fed ;  the  Rouse 
will  go  next.  Even  if  we  get  the  Green,  we're  lost 
if  the  Cleve  goes  against  us,  and  Crazy  is  just  hold 
ing  out  to  make  terms." 

"We  have  misjudged  Crazy,"  said  Hiekey;  "his 
record  was  against  him,  but  we  have  misjudged  him. 
He's  been  the  only  live  one  in  the  bunch.  Now  we've 
got  to  meet  his  terms. 

The  door  opened  and  Crazy  Opdyke  sauntered  in. 

"  Hello,  fellows,"  he  drawled.  "  How's  the  cam 
paign  going?  Are  you  satisfied  with  your  prog 
ress?  "  He  stretched  languidly  into  an  armchair. 
"  Am  I  still  welcome  in  the  home  of  great  moral 
ideas?" 

"  Crazy,  our  feelings  for  you  are  both  of  sorrow 
and  of  affection,"  said  Cheyenne,  conciliatingly. 
"  You  certainly  are  a  boss  politician.  What's  this 
new  wrinkle  of  yours  over  in  the  Cleve  ?  " 

"  I've  been  amusing  myself,"  said  Crazy  with  a 
drawl,  "  organising  the  Mugwumps,  the  intelligent 
and  independent  vote,  the  balance  of  power,  you  know, 
the  party  that  doesn't  heel  to  any  boss,  but  votes 
according  to  its,  to  its " 

"  To  its  what,  Crazy  ?  "  said  Hiekey,  gently. 


POLITICAL  EDUCATION  OF  BALDWIN  301 

"  To  its  conscience,"  replied  Crazy  firmly.  "  To 
its  conscience,  when  its  conscience  is  intelligently 
approached." 

"Oh,  you're  for  sale,  are  you?"  said  Turkey 
aggressively. 

"  No,  Turkey,  no-o-o !  And  yet  we've  organised 
the  Blocks  of  Five  Marching  Club ;  rather  significant, 
eh?" 

"  Well,  what's  your  game ;  what  have  you  come 
for?  » 

"  Oh,  just  to  be  friendly,"  said  Crazy,  rising 
languidly. 

"Stop,"  said  Hickey.  "Sit  down.  Let's  have 
a  few  words." 

Crazy  slouched  back,  sunk  into  the  armchair  and 
assumed  a  listening  position. 

"  Crazy,"  said  Hickey,  "  we've  made  a  mistake. 
We  didn't  know  you.  You  are  the  surprise  of  the 
campaign.  We  apologise.  We  are  merely  ama 
teurs;  you  are  the  only  original,  professional  poli 
tician." 

"  This  is  very  gratifying,"  said  Crazy,  without  a 
blush. 

"  Crazy,  from  this  moment,"  said  Hickey,  firmly, 
"  you  are  the  treasurer  of  the  Campaign  Committee, 


808  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

and  we're  listening  for  any  words  of  wisdom  you 
have  ready  to  uncork." 

"  No,  Hickey,  no,"  said  Crazy,  rising  amid  gen 
eral  dismay,  "  I  no  longer  hanker  to  be  a  treasurer. 
It  was  just  a  passing  fancy.  Independence  is  better 
and  more  profitable;  I  appreciate  your  kind  offer, 
I  do  appreciate  it,  Hickey,  but  I'm  a  Mugwump;  I 
couldn't  wear  a  dog-collar,  I  couldn't ! " 

"  Sit  down  again,  Crazy,"  said  Hickey,  persua-, 
sively ;  "  sit  down.  It's  a  pleasure  to  talk  with 
you.  You're  right ;  your  independent  and  intelli 
gent  nature  would  be  thrown  away  in  a  matter  of 
books  and  figures.  We've  been  looking  round  for  a 
fearless,  upright,  popular  and  eloquent  figure  to 
stand  for  the  Cleve,  and,  Crazy,  we're  just  aching  to 
have  you  step  up  into  the  frame." 

"  Hickey,  you  mistake  me,  you  mistake  me  and 
my  motives,"  said  Crazy,  sadly.  "  My  soul  does  not 
hanker  for  personal  glorification  or  the  flattery  of 
the  multitude.  I'm  a  child  of  nature,  Hickey,  and 
my  ambitions  are  few  and  simple." 

"  It's  right  to  have  ambitions,  Crazy,"  said 
Hickey,  soothingly,  "  and  they  don't  need  to  be  few 
or  simple.  We  regret  that  we  cannot  honour  your 
eminent  qualities  as  we  wish  to,  but  we  still  have 


POLITICAL   EDUCATION   OF  BALDWIN   303 

hopes,  Crazy,  that  we  may  have  the  benefit  of  your 
guiding  hand." 

"Guiding  hand?"  said  Crazy,  looking  at  the 
ceiling. 

"  Exactly,"  said  Hickey,  magnanimously ;  "  in 
fact,  I  realise  how  unworthy  I  am  to  fill  the  great 
position  of  trust  and  responsibility  of  vice-chairman 
of  this  committee,  and  I  long  to  see  it  in  the 
hands " 

"  I  thought  you  said  guiding  hand,"  said  Crazy, 
interrupting. 

The  assembled  committee  looked  in  amazement  at 
Crazy.  Then  the  storm  broke  out. 

"  Why,  you  insolent,  impudent  pup !  " 

"  Do  you  think  we'll  make  you  chairman  ?  " 

"Kick  him  out!" 

"  Rough-house ! " 

"  Order !  "  cried  Cheyenne.  "  Crazy,  out  with  it. 
You  want  to  be  chairman,  don't  you  ?  " 

"  Have  I  made  any  demands  ?  "  said  Crazy,  coolly. 

"  Come  now — yes  or  no !  " 

"  Are  you  handing  it  to  me?  " 

A  fresh  storm  of  indignation  was  interrupted  by 
the  sudden  tumultuous  reappearance  of  Wash  Sim 
mons,  shouting: 


304  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

"  Fellows,  Butsey  White  and  the  Green  have  sold 
out  to  the  Mugwumps!" 

Crazy  Opdyke  sat  down  again. 

A  long  silence  succeeded.  Then  Cheyenne  Baxter, 
mutely  interrogating  every  glance,  rose  and  said : 

"  Crazy,  you  win.  The  chairmanship  is  yours. 
Will  you  take  it  on  a  silver  platter  or  with  a  bouquet 
of  roses  ?  " 

That  evening,  when  Hickey  went  to  report  to 
Ernest  Garrison  Baldwin,  he  found  that  civic  re 
former  in  a  somewhat  perturbed  condition. 

"  I'm  afraid,  Hicks,"  he  said  dubiously,  "  that 
the  campaign  is  getting  a  wrong  emphasis.  It  seems 
to  me  that  those  Federalist  banners  are  not  only  in 
questionable  taste,  but  show  a  frivolous  and  trifling 
attitude  toward  this  great  opportunity." 

"  It's  just  the  humour  of  the  campaign,  sir," 
said  Hickey  reassuringly ;  "  I  wouldn't  take  them 
seriously." 

" Another  thing,  Hicks;  I'm  rather  surprised 
that  the  management  of  the  campaign  does  not  seem 
to  be  in  the  hands  of  the  very  representative  com 
mittee  you  originally  selected." 

"  Yes,  sir,"  said  Hickey ;  "  we  realise  that ;  but 
we're  making  a  change  in  our  party  at  least  which 


POLITICAL  EDUCATION  OF  BALDWIN  305 

will  please  you.  Opdyke  is  going  to  take  con 
trol." 

"  Indeed !  That  is  reassuring ;  that  is  a  guar 
antee  on  your  side,  at  least,  of  a  dignified,  honourable 
canvass.'* 

"Oh,  yes,  sir,"  said  Hickey. 

He  left  gravely  and  scampered  across  the  campus. 
Suddenly  from  the  Woodhull  Toots  Cortell's  trumpet 
squeaked  out.  At  the  same  moment  the  first  Anti- 
Fed  banner  was  flung  out,  thus  conceived: 

TURN  THE  ROBBERS  OUT 

NO  MORE  GRAFTING 

NO  MORE  GOUGING  THE  UNDER  FORMERS 
FACULTY  SUPERVISION  MEANS 

SAVING  TO  THE  POCKET 
OUT  WITH  THE  BLACKMAILERS 

The  astute  and  professional  hand  of  the  Honour 
able  Crazy  Opdyke  was  felt  at  once.  The  Anti-Fed 
party,  while  still  advocating  faculty  control  of  the 
athletic  finances  for  purposes  of  efficiency  and  econ 
omy,  now  shifted  the  ground  by  a  series  of  brilliant 
strokes. 

The  third  day  of  the  campaign  had  hardly  opened 
when  the  four  fusion  houses  displayed  prominently 
the  following  proclamation: 


306  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

ECONOMY    AND    JIGGERS 
FACULTY    MANAGEMENT    OF    THE  FINANCES 

MEANS    RIGID   ECONOMY 
PROTECTION    OF    THE    WEAK 
FROM    THE    TYRANNY    OF    THE    TAX  GATHERER 

EQUITABLE    PRO-RATA 

LEVYING    OF    CONTRIBUTIONS 

ECONOMY    MEANS    MORE     JIGGERS 

MORE    JIGGERS    MEANS 

MORE    HAPPINESS    FOR    THE    GREATER    NUMBER 
VOTE    FOR  THE    FATTER    POCKETBOOK 

Hardly  had  this  argument  to  the  universal  appe 
tite  been  posted  before  the  Feds  retorted  by  posting 
a  proclamation : 

FACULTY   PLOT 

EVIDENCE  IS  PILING  UP  THAT  THE 
PRESENT  POLITICAL  CAMPAIGN  IS  A 
HUGE  FACULTY  CONSPIRACY  TO  DE 
PRIVE  THE  SCHOOL  OF  ITS  LIBERTIES 
BY  UNDERGROUND  DARK-LANTERN 
METHODS,  WHERE  IT  DOES  NOT  DARE 

TO    ATTEMPT    IT    OPENLY 
THE  APRON-STRINGS  ARE  IN  POSSES 
SION     OF    A    GIGANTIC    CORRUPTION 
FUND          WHO  IS  PUTTING  UP? 

When  this  attack  became  public  the  Anti-Feds  were 
in  deep  deliberation,  planning  a  descent  on  the 
Hamill  House.  The  news  of  the  outrageous  charge 


POLITICAL  EDUCATION  OF  BALDWIN  307 

was  borne  to  the  conference  by  Hungry  Smeed,  with 
tears  in  his  eyes. 

"  Crazy,"  said  Doc,  "  we  must  meet  the  charge, 
now,  at  once." 

There  was  a  chorus  of  assent. 

"  We  will,"  said  Crazy,  diving  into  his  pocket 
and  producing  a  wad  of  paper.  "  This  is  what  I've 
had  up  my  sleeve  from  the  beginning.  This  is  the 
greatest  state  paper  ever  conceived." 

"  Let's  have  it,"  said  Hickey,  and  Crazy  proudly 
read: 

THE   FULL   PROGRAMME 

The  Campaign  of  Slander  and  Villification  Instituted 
by  Tough  McCarthy  and  His  Myrmidons  Will  Not  De 
ceive  the  Intelligent  and  Independent  Voter.  Anti-Fed 
eralist  Candidates  Only  Are  the  Defendants  of  the  Liber 
ties  of  the  School. 

Anti-Fed.  Candidates  Stand  Solemnly  Pledged  to  Work 
For  Increased  Privileges. 

ACCESS  TO  THE  JIGGER-SHOP  AT  ALL  TIMES 

REMOVING  THE  LIMIT  ON  WEEKLY  ALLOWANCES 

ABOLITION  OF  THE  HATEFUL  COMPULSORY 

BATH    SYSTEM 

BETTER    FOOD  MORE    FOOD 

REGULATION   OF   SINKERS   AND   SCRAG-BIRDS 

ESTABLISHMENT    OF    TWO    SLEIGHING  HOLIDAYS 

CUSHIONED  SEATS   FOR  CHAPEL 


308  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

When  this  momentous  declaration  of  principles  was 
read  there  was  an  appalled  silence,  while  Crazy,  in 
the  centre  of  the  admiring  circle,  grew  perceptibly. 

Then  a  shriek  burst  out  and  Crazy  was  smothered 
in  the  arms  of  the  regenerated  Anti-Feds. 

"  Crazy  will  be  President  of  the  United  States," 
said  Turkey  admiringly. 

"Wonderful!" 

"  The  bathroom  plank  will  win  us  fifty  votes." 

"  And  what  about  the  jigger  vote?  " 

At  this  moment  an  egg  passed  rapidly  through 
the  open  window  and  spread  itself  on  the  wall,  while 
across  the  campus  the  figure  of  Mucker  Reilly  of  the 
Kennedy  was  seen  zigzagging  for  safety,  with  his 
thumb  vulgarly  applied  to  his  nose. 

The  Executive  Committee  gazed  at  the  wall, 
watching  the  yellow  desecration  gradually  trickling 
into  a  map  of  South  America. 

"  This  means  the  end  of  argument,"  said  Chey 
enne  sadly.  "  The  campaign  from  now  on  will  be 
bitter." 

"  If  the  appeal  to  force  is  going  to  be  made," 
said  Crazy,  applying  a  towel,  "we  shall  endeavour 
— Doc,  shut  the  window — we  shall  endeavour  to 
meet  it." 


POLITICAL  EDUCATION  OF  BALDWIN  309 

"  We  have  now  a  chance,"  said  Egghead,  bright 
ening,  "  to  prove  that  we  are  not  Goo-Goos." 

"  Egghead,  you  are  both  intelligent  and  comfort 
ing,"  said  Hickey.  "  The  first  thing  is  to  corner 
the  egg  market." 

"  The  Finance  Committee,"  said  Crazy  wrathfully, 
"  is  empowered  to  buy,  beg  or  borrow  every  egg, 
every  squashy  apple,  every  mushy  tomato  that  can  be 
detected  and  run  down.  From  now  on  we  shall  wage 
a  vigorous  campaign." 

The  publication  of  the  Anti-Fed  programme 
roused  the  party  cohorts  to  cheers  and  song.  The 
panicky  Feds  strove  desperately  to  turn  the  tide  with 
the  following  warning: 

HA!   HA! 

IT    WON'T   DO! 

WE    KNOW   THE    HAND! 

Don't  Be  Deceived.  Hickey  is  the  Sheep  in  Wolf's 
Clothing.  Stung  to  the  Quick  by  Our  Detection  of  the 
Criminal  Alliance  Between  the  Anti-Feds  and  the  Faculty, 
Hickey,  the  King  of  the  Goo-Goos,  is  Trying  to  Bleat  Like 
a  Wolf.  It  Won't  Do!  They  Cannot  Dodge  the  Issue. 
Stand  Firm.  Lawrenceville  Must  Not  Be  Made  Into  a 
Kindergarten. 


310  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

But  this  could  not  stem  the  rising  wave.  The 
Hamill  House  turned  its  back  on  Federalism  and 
,  threw  in  its  lot  with  the  foes  of  compulsory  bath. 
Just  before  supper  the  Anti-Feds  were  roused  to 
frenzy  by  the  astounding  news  that  the  little  Rouse 
House,  isolated  though  it  was  from  the  rest  of  the 
school  and  under  the  very  wing  of  the  Davis,  had 
declared  Anti-Fed,  for  the  love  of  combat  that 
burned  in  its  heroic  band  led  by  the  redoubtable 
Charley  De  Soto  and  Scrapper  Morrissey. 

With  the  declaration  of  the  different  houses  the 
first  stage  of  the  campaign  ended.  By  supper  every 
house  was  on  a  military  footing  and  the  dove  of 
peace  was  hastening  toward  the  horizon. 

That  night  Mr.  Baldwin  waited  in  vain  for  the 
report  of  Hickey,  waited  and  wondered.  For  the 
first  time  Baldwin,  the  enthusiast,  began  to  be  a 
little  apprehensive  of  the  forces  he  had  unchained. 

A  little  later  Mr.  Baronson  chose  to  pay  him  a 
visit. 

"  Well,  Baldwin,  what  news  ? "  he  said,  drily. 
"  Thoroughly  satisfied  with  your  new  course  in 
political  education  ?  " 

"  Why,  the  boys  seem  to  take  to  it  with  enthusi- 


POLITICAL  EDUCATION  OF  BALDWIN  311 

asm,"  said  Baldwin  rather  dubiously.  "  I  think 
they're  thoroughly  interested." 

"  Interested?  Yes — quite  so.  By  the  way,  Bald 
win,"  Baronson  stopped  a  moment  and  scanned  his 
young  subordinate  with  pitying  knowledge,  "  I'm 
going  to  retire  for  the  night.  If  I  had  a  cyclone 
cellar  I'd  move  to  it.  I  put  you  in  charge  of  the 
house.  If  any  attempt  is  made  to  set  it  on  fire  or 
dynamite  it,  go  out  and  argue  gently  with  the  boys, 
and  above  all,  impress  upon  them  that  they  are  the 
hope  of  the  country  and  must  set  a  standard.  Rea 
son  with  them,  Baldwin,  and  above  all,  appeal  to 
their  better  natures.  Good-night." 

Baldwin  did  not  answer.  He  stood  meditatively 
gazing  out  the  window.  From  the  Dickinson  and 
the  Kennedy  magic  lanterns  were  flashing  campaign 
slogans  on  white  sheets  suspended  at  opposite  houses. 
The  uproar  of  cat-calls  and  hoots  that  accompanied 
the  exhibitions  left  small  reason  to  hope  that  they 
were  couched  in  that  clear,  reasoning  style  which 
would  uplift  future  American  politics. 

As  he  looked,  from  the  Upper  House  the  indignant 
and  now  thoroughly  aroused  fourth  form  started 
to  parade  with  torch-lights  and  transparencies. 


312          THE    PRODIGIOUS    HICKEY 

Presently  the  winding  procession,  clothed  in  super 
imposed  night  shirts,  arrived  with  hideous  clamour. 
Dangling  from  a  pole  were  two  grotesque  figures 
stuffed  with  straw  and  decked  with  aprons ;  over 
head  was  the  inscription,  "  Kings  of  the  Goo-Goos," 
and  one  was  labelled  Hickey  and  one  was  labelled 
Brother.  Opposite  his  window  they  halted  and 
chanted  in  soft  unison: 

Hush,  hush,  tread  softty, 
Hush,  hush,  make  no  noise, 
Baldwin  is  the  King  of  the  Goo-Goos, 
Let  him  sleep, 
Let  him  sleep. 
Shouted:    LET  HIM  SLEEP!!! 

Then  the  transparencies  succeeded  one  another, 
bobbing  over  the  rolling  current  of  indignant  seniors. 

BACK    TO    THE    KINDERGARTEN! 

WE    WANT    NO    BROTHERLY    LOVE! 

GOOD-BYE,  BALDWIN!  GOOD-BYE! 

Baldwin  drew  down  the  shade  and  stepped  from 
the  window.  He  heard  a  familiar  step  in  the  cor 
ridor,  and  quickly  locked  the  door.  Baronson 
knocked;  then  he  knocked  again;  after  which  he 
moved  away,  chuckling. 

When  the  fourth  form  procession  arrived  on  its 


POLITICAL   EDUCATION   OF  BALDWIN  313 

tour  around  the  circle  the  Dickinsonians  were  pre 
pared  to  welcome  it.  Crazy  Opdyke,  head  of  the 
literary  bureau,  stood  by  the  lantern  directing  the 
proclamations  to  be  flashed  on  the  sheet  that  hung 
from  the  opposite  house. 

Hickey  and  Macnooder  posted  the  orators  at 
strategic  windows,  supplying  them  with  compressed 
arguments  in  the  form  of  eggs  and  soft  apples. 

"  All  ready  ?  "  said  Opdyke  as  Hickey  returned, 
chuckling. 

"  Ready  and  willing,"  said  Hickey. 

"  Here  they  come,"  said  the  Big  Man. 

"Is  the  Kennedy  and  the  Woodhull  with  them?" 
asked  Hickey. 

"  Sure,  they're  trailing  on  behind,"  said  Turkey. 

A  yell  of  defiance  burst  from  the  head  of  the  pro 
cession  as  it  reached  the  headquarters  of  the  enemy. 

"  Start  the  literature,"  said  Crazy. 

Egghead,  at  the  lantern,  slipped  in  the  first  slides, 
flashing  them  on  the  opposite  sheet. 

IT'S    ALL   OVER,   BOYS 
FEDERALISM    IS    IN    THE    SOUP 

FEDERALISTS 

THE    UPPER    HOUSE    MYRMIDONS 
THE    DAVIS    JAYHAWKERS 


314  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

THE    WOODHULL    SORE    HEADS 
THE    KENNEDY   MUCKERS 

ANTI-FEDERALISTS 

THE    ROUSE    INVINCIBLES 

THE    CLEVE    INDEPENDENTS 

THE   GRISWOLD   INTELLECTUALS 

THE    GREEN    MUGWUMPS 
THE    DICKINSON    SCHOLARS 
THE    HAMILL  MISSIONARIES 
GOOD-BYE,  FEDS!  GOOD-BYE! 

"  Now  for  a  few  personal  references,"  said  Crazy, 
smiling  happily  at  the  howls  that  greeted  his  first 
effort.  "  Egghead,  shove  them  right  along." 

Another  series  was  put  forth: 

WHY,    WOODHULL,    DID    WE    STEAL 

YOUR    ICE    CREAM? 
IS   TOUGH    MCCARTHY'S   GANG   OF 

BALLOT-STUFFERS   WITH   YOU? 
WE    ARE    NOT    FOURTH-FORM    PUPPY 

DOGS 

HELLO,  TOUGH,   HOW   DOES   IT  FEEL  TO 
BE   A    PUPPY    DOG? 

"  What  are  they  shouting  now  ?  "  said  Hickey, 
peering  over  at  the  turbulent  chaos  below. 

"  They  are  re-questing  us  to  come  out ! "  said  the 
Egghead. 

The  night  was  filled  with  the  shrieks  of  the  helpless 
Feds. 

"Come  out!" 


POLITICAL  EDUCATION  OF  BALDWIN  315 

"  We  dare  you  to  come  out !  " 
"  Come  out,  you  Dickinson  Goo-Goos." 
"  Why,    they're    really     getting    excited,"    said 
Hickey.       "  They're  hopping  right  up  and  down." 
"We  will  give  them  a  declaration  of  principles," 
said  Crazy.     "  Egghead,  give  them  the  principles ; 
Hickey,  notify  the  orators  to  prepare  the  compressed 
arguments.     The  word  is  '  BIFF.'  " 

Hickey  went  tumbling  upstairs;  the  Egghead  de 
livered  the  new  series. 

WHY,  FEDS,  DON'T  GET  PEEVISH 
THIS    IS    AN    ORDERLY    CAMPAIGN 

A    QUIET,  ORDERLY  CAMPAIGN 

REMEMBER,    WE    MUST    UPLIFT   THE 

NATION 

Outside,  the  chorus  of  hoots  and  cat-calls  gave  way 
to  a  steady  rhythmic  chant: 

GOO-GOOS,   GOO-GOOS,    GOO-GOOS! 

"How  unjust!"  said  Crazy,  sadly.  "We  must 
clear  ourselves;  we  must  nail  the  lie — in  a  quiet, 
orderly  way !  Let  her  go,  Egghead ;  Cheyenne,  give 
Hickey  the  cue." 

On  the  sheet  suddenly  flashed  out : 

WE    ARE    GOO-GOOS,    ARE    WE?     BIFF  1 

At  the  same  moment,  from  a  dozen  windows  de- 


316  THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

scended  a  terrific  broadside  of  middle-aged  eggs,  as 
sorted  vegetables  and  squashy  fruit. 

The  Federalist  forces,  utterly  off  their  guard, 
dripping  with  egg  and  tomato,  vanished  like  a  heap 
of  leaves  before  a  whirlwind,  while  from  the  Anti- 
Federalist  houses  exultant  shrieks  of  victory  burst 
forth. 

"  If  we  are  to  be  called  Goo-Goos,"  said  Crazy, 
proudly,  "  we  have,  at  least,  made  Goo-Goo  a  term  of 
honour." 

"  To-morrow  should  be  a  very  critical  day  in  the 
campaign,"  said  Macnooder,  pensively. 

"  I  suggest  that  on  account  of  the  uncertain  state 
of  the  weather,"  said  Hickey,  wisely,  "  that  all  win 
dow-blinds  should  be  closed  and  locked." 

"I  think,"  said  Cheyenne,  "that  we  had  better 
march  to  chapel  in  close  formation." 

"  Are  there  any  more  arguments  left  ? "  said 
Crazy. 

"  Quite  a  number." 

"  They  must  be  delivered  to-night,"  said  Crazy, 
firmly.  "  No  egg  shall  be  allowed  to  spoil — in  this 
house." 

At  eleven  o'clock  that  night,  as  the  head  master  sat 


POLITICAL  EDUCATION  OF  BALDWIN  317 

in  his  room  in  distant  Boston,  giving  the  last  touches 
to  the  address  which  he  had  prepared  for  the  fol 
lowing  day  on  the  "  Experiment  of  Self -Government 
and  Increased  Individual  Responsibility  in  Primary 
Education,"  the  following  telegram  was  handed  to 
him: 

Come  back  instantly.  School  in  state  of  anarchy. 
Rioting  and  pillaging  unchecked.  Another  day  may  be 
too  late.  Baldwin's  course  in  political  education. 

BAKONSOK. 

When  the  Doctor,  after  a  night's  precipitous 
travel,  drove  on  to  the  campus  he  had  left  picturesque 
and  peaceful  but  a  few  days  before,  he  could  hardly 
believe  his  eyes.  The  circle  of  houses  was  stained 
and  spotted  with  the  marks  of  hundreds  of  eggs  and 
the  softer  vegetables.  From  almost  every  upper 
window  a  banner  (often  ripped  to  shreds)  or  a  mu 
tilated  proclamation  was  displayed.  Proclamations 
blossomed  on  every  tree,  couched  in  vitriolic  lan 
guage.  Two  large  groups  of  embattled  boys,  bear 
ing  strange  banners,  were  converging  across  the 
campus,  with  haggard,  hysterical  faces,  fists  clenched 
and  muscles  strung  in  nervous  tension,  waiting  the 
shock  of  the  approaching  clash. 


318  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

The  Doctor  sprang  from  the  buggy  and  advanced 
toward  chapel  with  determined,  angry  strides.  At 
the  sight  of  the  familiar  figure  a  swift  change  went 
over  the  two  armies,  on  the  point  of  flying  at  each 
other's  throats.  The  most  bloodthirsty  suddenly 
quailed,  the  most  martial  scowls  gave  place  to  looks 
of  innocence.  In  the  twinkling  of  an  eye  every  ban 
ner  had  disappeared,  and  the  two  armies,  breaking 
formation,  went  meekly  and  fearfully  into  chapel. 

The  Doctor  from  his  rostrum  looked  down  upon 
the  school.  Under  his  fierce  examination  every 
glance  fell  to  the  hymn-book. 

"  Young  gentlemen  of  the  Lawrenceville  School,  I 
will  say  just  one  word,"  began  the  head  master. 
"  This  political  campaign  will  STOP,  NOW,  AT 
ONCEl"  He  paused  at  the  spectacle  of  row  on 
row  of  blooming  eyes  and  gory  features,  and,  de 
spite  himself,  his  lips  twitched. 

In  an  instant  the  first  ranks  began  to  titter,  then  a 
roar  of  laughter  went  up  from  the  pent-up,  hysteri 
cal  boys.  They  laughed  until  they  sobbed,  for  the 
first  time  aware  of  the  ridiculousness  of  the  situation. 
Then  as  the  Doctor,  wisely  refraining  from  further 
discourse,  dismissed  them,  they  swayed  out  on  the 
campus  where  the  Davis  fell  into  the  arms  of  the 


POLITICAL  EDUCATION  OF  BALDWIN  319 

Dickinson,  and  Fed  and  Anti-Fed  rolled  with  laugh 
ter  on  the  ground. 

When  Hickey,  that  afternoon,  brazenly  sought  out 
Mr.  Baldwin,  a  certain  staccato  note  in  the  greeting 
caused  a  dozen  careful  phrases  to  die  on  his  tongue. 

"  Don't  hesitate,  Hicks,"  said  Baldwin,  smiling 
coldly. 

"  I  came,  sir,"  said  Hicks,  looking  down,  "  I  came 
— that  is,  I — Mr.  Baldwin,  sir,  I'm  sorry  it  turned 
out  such  a  failure." 

"  Of  course,  Hicks,"  said  Baldwin,  softly,  *'  of 
course.  Jt  must  be  a  great  disappointment — to  you. 
But  it  is  not  a  failure,  Hicks.  On  the  contrary,  it 
has  been  a  great  success — this  campaign  of  educa 
tion.  I  have  learned  greatly.  By  the  way,  Hicks, 
kindly  announce  to  the  class  that  I  shall  change  my 
method  of  hearing  recitations.  I  have  a  new  system 
— based  on  the  latest  discoveries  in  the  laws  of  prob 
ability.  Announce  also  an  examination  for  to-mor 
row." 

"  To-morrow  ?  "  said  Hickey,  astounded. 

"  On  the  review — in  the  interest  of  education — my 
education.  Don't  look  down,  Hicks — I  cherish  no 
resentment  against  ycxu — none  at  all." 

"  Against  me  ?  "  said  Hickey,  aggrieved. 


320  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

"  My  feelings  are  of  gratitude  and  affection  only. 
You   harve  been   the   teacher   and  I   the   scholar — 

but "     He  paused  and  surveyed  the  persecuted 

Hicks  with  the  smile  of  the  anaconda  for  the  canary, 
"  but,  Hicks,  my  boy,  whatever  else  may  be  the 
indifference  of  the  masters  toward  your  education, 
when  you  leave  Lawrenceville  you  will  not  be  weak 
in — mathematics." 


THE   MARTYRDOM   OF   WILLIAM   HICKS 

HICKEY  had  now  reached  the  height  of  his  fame.  In 
toxicated  by  success,  he  forgot  all  prudence,  or 
rather  his  revolt  became  an  appetite  that  demanded 
constant  feeding.  He  no  longer  concealed  his  past 
exploits,  he  even  went  so  far  as  to  announce  the 
escapades  he  planned. 

"You  are  running  your  head  into  the  noose, 
Hickey,  my  boy,"  said  Macnooder,  sadly ;  "  every 
master  in  the  school  has  got  his  eye  on  you." 

321 


THE   PRODIGIOUS   RICKEY 

"  I  know  it,"  said  Hickey  proudly,  "  but  they've 
got  to  catch  me." 

"  Your  position  is  different,"  objected  Macnooder, 
"  now  you  are  suspected.  And  do  you  want  me  to 
tell  you  the  truth?  Your  trick  about  the  clappers 
was  too  clever.  If  you  could  imagine  that,  you  were 
at  the  bottom  of  other  things.  That's  what  the 
Doctor  will  say  to  himself  when  he  thinks  it  over." 

"  The  Doctor  plays  square,"  retorted  Hickey ; 
"  he  won't  do  anything  on  suspicion.  Let  him  try 
and  catch  me,  let  them  all  try.  If  they  get  me  fair 
and  square,  I'll  take  my  punishment.  I  say,  Doc, 
just  you  wait.  I've  got  something  up  my  sleeve 
that'll  make  them  all  sit  up." 

"  Good  Lord !  "  said  the  Egghead,  who  was  of  the 
party,  "  you  don't  mean  you're  going  on  ?  " 

"  Egghead,"  said  Hickey,  impressively,  "  I've 
made  up  my  mind  that  I  just  can't  live  without  doing 
one  thing  more !  " 

"  Heavens,  Hickey !  what  now  ?  " 

"  I've  got  a  craving,  Egghead,  to  sleep  in  Tabby's 
bed." 

"No!" 

"  Fact." 

"  What  do  you  mean  ?  " 


MARTYRDOM   OF    WILLIAM   HICKS       323 

"  Just  that.  I  intend  to  sleep,  not  just  pop  in 
and  out,  to  sleep  two  hours  in  Tabby's  nice,  white, 
little  bed." 

"  Gee  whiz,  Hickey !    When  ?  " 

"  Some  night  that's  coming  pretty  soon." 

"When  Tabby's  away " 

"  No,  sir,  when  Tabby's  here — after  Tabby  him 
self  has  been  in  it.  After  that  I'm  going  to  get 
back  at  Big  Brother." 

"  You're  crazy !  " 

"  I'm  backing  my  feelings." 

"You'll  bet  on  it?" 

"  As  much  as  you  want." 

The  scornful  Egghead,  thus  provoked,  offered  ten 
to  one  against  him.  Hickey  accepted  at  once. 

During  the  day  the  news  spread  and  the  bets  came 
flying  in.  As  to  his  plans,  Hickey  preserved  a 
cloaked  mystery,  promising  only  that  the  feat  should 
take  place  within  the  fortnight. 

Each  night  toward  midnight,  he  slipped  out  of 
Sawtelle's  window  (Sawtelle  being  sworn  to  deadly 
secrecy).  He  remained  out  an  hour,  sometimes  two, 
and  came  back  sleepy  and  chuckling.  About  this 
time  the  report  began  to  spread  that  burglars  were 
in  the  vicinity. 


324  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

The  Gutter  Pup,  who  roomed  on  the  first  floor 
of  the  Woodhull,  took  a  solemn  oath  that  having  been 
waked  up  by  a  strange  scratching  noise  at  his  win 
dow,  he  had  seen  four  masked  figures  with  bull's- 
eye  lanterns  scurrying  away.  The  next  report  came 
from  Davis  with  added  picturesqueness.  The  school 
became  wrought  up  to  an  extraordinary  pitch  of  ex 
citement  in  which  even  the  masters  joined  after  a 
period  of  incredulity. 

When  the  proper  stage  of  frenzy  arrived,  Hickey 
took  into  his  confidence  a  dozen  allies. 

At  exactly  two  o'clock  on  a  moonless  night,  Beauty 
Sawtelle,  waiting,  watch  in  hand,  gave  a  horrid  shriek 
and  sent  a  baseball  bat  crashing  through  his  win 
dow,  where  he  afterward  swore  four  masked  faces 
had  glared  in  on  him.  At  the  same  time  the  Egg 
head  raised  his  window  and  emptied  a  revolver  into 
the  air,  shouting: 

"  Thieves,  thieves,  there  they  go !  " 

Immediately  every  waiting  boy  sprang  out  of  bed 
armed  with  revolvers,  shot-guns,  brickbats,  Japanese 
swords  and  what  not,  and  rushed  downstairs,  shout 
ing: 

"Stop  thief!" 

Mr.  Tapping,  startled  from  his  slumbers  by  the 


MARTYRDOM   OF    WILLIAM    HICKS       325 

uproar,  seized  a  bird-gun  and,  guided  by  Hungry 
Smeed  and  the  Red  Dog,  rushed  out  of  doors  and 
valorously  took  the  lead  of  the  searching  party.  By 
this  time  the  racket  had  spread  about  the  campus 
and  boys  in  flimsy  garments,  ludicrously  armed, 
came  pouring  out  the  other  houses  and  joined  the 
wild  hunt  for  the  masked  marauders.  Suddenly, 
from  the  direction  of  Foundation  House,  a  series  of 
shots  exploded  amid  yells  of  excitement.  At  once 
the  mass  that  had  been  churning  in  the  middle  of  the 
campus,  set  off  with  a  rush.  The  cry  went  up  that 
the  burglars  had  been  discovered  and  were  fleeing 
down  the  road  to  Trenton.  Five  minutes  later  the 
campus  was  silent,  as  boys  and  masters  swept  along 
the  highway,  their  cries  growing  fainter  in  the  dis 
tance. 

Meanwhile,  Hickey  had  not  lost  a  second.  Hardly 
had  Mr.  Tapping's  pink  pajamas  rushed  from  the 
Dickinson,  when  Hickey,  entering  the  study,  locked 
the  door  and  set  to  work.  In  a  jiffy  he  had  the 
mattress  and  bedclothes  out  the  window,  down  into 
the  waiting  hands  of  Macnooder  and  the  Egghead, 
who  piled  them  on  a  ready  wheelbarrow.  In  less 
than  five  minutes  the  iron  bedstead,  separated  into 
its  four  component  parts,  followed.  The  whole, 


326  THE   PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

packed  on  the  wheelbarrow,  was  hastily  rushed  into 
the  darkness  by  the  rollicking  three.  According 
to  the  plan,  Hickey  directed  them  past  Memorial  and 
into  the  baseball  cage,  where,  by  the  light  of  the 
indispensable  dark-lantern,  they  put  the  bed  to 
gether,  placed  on  it  the  bedding,  and  saw  Hickey 
crawl  blissfully  under  cover. 

When  Mr.  Tapping  returned  after  an  hour's 
fruitless  pursuit  down  the  dusty  road,  it  had  begun 
to  dawn  upon  him,  in  common  with  other  athletic 
members  of  the  faculty,  that  he  had  been  hoaxed. 
Mr.  Tapping  was  very  sensitive  to  his  dignity,  and 
dignity  was  exceedingly  difficult  in  pajamas,  in  the 
chill  of  a  night  with  a  ridiculous  bird-gun  over  his 
shoulder  and  an  assorted  lot  of  semi-bare  savages 
chuckling  about  him.  Tired,  covered  with  dust,  and 
sheepish,  he  returned  to  the  Dickinson,  gave  orders 
for  every  one  to  return  to  his  room  and  wearily 
toiled  up  to  seek  his  comfortable  bed. 

The  vacancy  that  greeted  his  eyes  left  him  abso 
lutely  incredulous,  then  beside  himself  with  rage.  If 
on  that  moment  he  could  have  laid  his  hands  on 
Hickey,  he  would  have  done  him  bodily  injury. 
That  Hickey  was  the  perpetrator  of  this  new  out- 


MARTYRDOM   OF    WILLIAM   HICKS       327 

rage,  as  of  the  previous  ones,  he  never  for  a  mo 
ment  doubted.  His  instinct  needed  no  proofs,  and 
in  such  enmities  the  instinct  is  strong.  He  went 
directly  to  Hickey's  room,  finding  it,  as  he  had  ex 
pected,  empty.  He  sat  there  half  an  hour,  an  hour, 
fruitlessly.  Then  he  made  the  rounds  of  the  house 
and  returned  to  the  room,  seated  himself,  folded  his 
arms  violently,  set  his  teeth  and  prepared  to  wait. 
He  heard  four  o'clock  strike,  then  five,  and  he  began 
to  nod.  He  rose,  shook  himself,  returned  to  his  seat 
and  presently  fell  asleep,  and  in  this  condition 
Hickey,  returning,  found  him. 

The  bell  rang  six,  and  Mr.  Tapping,  starting  up 
guiltily,  glanced  hastily  at  the  bed  and  assured  him 
self  thankfully  that  it  was  empty.  Moreover,  con 
clusive  evidence,  the  counterpane  had  not  been  turned 
down,  so  Hickey  had  not  gone  to  bed  at  all. 

By  prodigies  of  will  power  he  remained  awake, 
consoled  by  the  fact  that  he  held  at  last  the  evi 
dence  needed  to  debarrass  himself  of  his  tor 
mentor.  At  seven  o'clock  the  gym  bell  rang  the 
rising  hour.  Mr.  Tapping  rose  triumphant.  Sud 
denly  he  stopped  and  looked  down  in  horror.  Some-  ' 
thing  had  moved  under  the  bed.  The  next  moment 


328          THE  PRODIGIOUS   HICKEY 

Hickey's  face  appeared  under  the  skirts  of  the  trail 
ing  bedspread — Hickey's  face,  a  mirror  of  sleepy 
amazement,  as  he  innocently  asked : 

<l  Why,  Mr.  Tapping,  what  is  the  matter?  " 
"  Hicks !  "  exclaimed  Mr.  Tapping,  too  astounded 
to  gather  his  thoughts,  "  is  that  you,  Hicks  ?  " 
"Yes,  sir." 

"  What  are  you  doing  under  there  ?  " 
"  Please  sir,"  said  Hickey,  "  I'm  troubled  with  in 
somnia  and  sometimes  this  is  the  only  way  I  can 
sleep." 

At  two  o'clock  Hickey  was  a  second  time  summoned 
to  Foundation  House.  He  went  in  perfect  faith. 
Nothing  had  miscarried,  there  was  not  the  slightest 
evidence  against  him.  If  he  was  questioned  he  would 
refuse  to  answer — that  was  all.  It  had  been  a  morn 
ing  of  exquisite  triumph  for  him.  Tabby's  bed  had 
not  been  discovered  until  ten  o'clock,  and  the  trans 
feral  to  the  Dickinson,  made  in  full  daylight,  had 
been  witnessed  by  the  assembled  school.  He  went 
across  the  campus,  light  of  feet  and  proud  of  heart, 
aware  of  the  scores  of  discreetly  admiring  eyes  that 
followed  him,  hearing  pleasantly  the  murmurs  which 
buzzed  after  him : 


MARTYRDOM   OF    WILLIAM   HICKS       329 

"  Oh,  you  prodigious  Hickey — oh,  you  daredevil ! " 

Of  course,  the  Doctor  would  be  in  a  towering 
rage.  Hickey  was  not  unreasonable,  he  understood 
and  expected  a  natural  exhibition  of  vexation.  What 
could  the  Doctor  do,  after  all?  Ask  him  questions 
which  he  would  refuse  to  answer — that  was  all,  but 
that  was  not  evidence. 

He  found  the  Doctor  alone,  quietly  writing  at 
his  desk,  and  received  a  smile  and  an  invitation  to  be 
seated.  Somehow  the  tranquillity  of  the  head  mas 
ter's  attitude  did  not  reassure  Hickey.  He  would 
have  preferred  a  little  more  agitation,  but  this  sat 
isfied  calm  was  disquieting. 

He  stood  with  his  hands  behind  his  back,  twirling 
his  cap,  studying  the  photographs  of  Grecian  archi 
tecture  on  the  walls,  finding  it  awfully  still  and  wish 
ing  the  Doctor  would  begin. 

Presently  the  Doctor  turned,  put  down  his  spec 
tacles,  shoved  back  from  the  desk  and  glanced  at 
Hickey  with  a  smile,  saying: 

"  Well,  Hicks,  we're  going  to  let  you  go." 

"  Beg  your  pardon,  sir,"  said  Hickey,  smiling 
frankly  back,  "  you  said " 

"  We're  going  to  let  you  take  a  vacation." 

"Me?" 


330          THE  PRODIGIOUS  HICKEY 

"You." 

Hickey  stood  a  long  moment,  open-mouthed,  star 
ing. 

"  Do  you  mean  to  say,"  he  said,  at  last,  with  an 
effort,  "  that  I  am  expelled?  " 

"  Not  expelled,"  said  the  Doctor,  suavely,  "  we 
don't  like  that  word ;  we're  going  to  let  you  go,  that's 
all." 

"For  what  reason?"  said  Hickey,  defiantly. 

"For  no  reason  at  all,"  answered  the  Doctor, 
smoothly.  "  There  is  no  reason,  there  can  be  no 
reason,  Hicks.  We're  just  naturally  going  to  make 
up  our  minds  to  part  with  you.  You  see,  Hicks," 
he  continued,  tilting  back  and  gazing  reminiscently 
at  the  ceiling,  "  we've  had  a  rather  agitated  session 
here,  rather  extraordinary.  The  trouble  seems  to 
have  broken  out  in  the  Dickinson  about  the  time  of 
the  little  surprise  party  at  which  Mr.  Tapping  did 
not  assist!  Then  a  few  days  later  our  chapel  serv 
ice  was  disturbed  and  our  janitor  put  to  consider 
able  trouble ;  next  the  school  routine  was  thrown  into 
confusion  by  the  removal  of  the  clapper.  We  passed 
a  very  disagreeable  period — much  confusion,  very 
little  study,  and  the  nerves  of  the  faculty  were  thrown 
into  such  a  state  that  even  you,  Hicks,  were  sus- 


p 

,£ 


3  - 
S  B 


it 

^ 


MARTYRDOM   OF    WILLIAM   HICKS       535 

pected.  Then  there  was  the  political  campaign,  a 
subject  too  painful  to  analyse.  Last  night  we  lost 
a  great  deal  of  sleep — and  sleep  is  most  necessary 
to  the  growing  boy.  All  these  events  have  followed 
with  great  regularity,  and  while  they  have  not  lacked 
in  picturesqueness,  we  have,  we  fear,  been  forget 
ting  the  main  object  of  our  life  here — to  study  a 
little." 

"  Doctor,  I "  broke  in  Hickey. 

"  No,  Hicks,  you  misunderstand  me,"  said  the  Doc 
tor,  reproachfully.  "  All  this  is  true,  but  that  is  not 
why  we  are  going  to  let  you  go.  We  are  going  to 
let  you  go,  Hicks,  for  a  much  more  conscientious 
reason ;  we're  parting  with  you,  Hicks,  because  we 
feel  we  no  longer  have  anything  to  teach  you." 

"  Doctor,  I'd  like  to  know,"  began  Hickey,  with 
a  great  lump  in  his  throat.  Then  he  stopped  and 
looked  at  the  floor.  He  knew  his  hour  had  sounded. 

"  Hicks,  we  part  in  sorrow,"  said  the  Doctor, 
"  but  we  have  the  greatest  faith  in  your  career.  We 
expect  in  a  few  years  to  claim  you  as  one  of  our 
foremost  alumni.  Perhaps  some  day  you  will  give 
us  a  library  which  we  will  name  after  you.  No,  don't 
be  disheartened.  We  have  the  greatest  admiration 
for  your  talents,  admiration  and  respect.  Anyone 


THE  PRODIGIOUS  HICKEY 

who  can  persuade  two  hundred  and  fifty  keen-eyed 
Lawrenceville  boys  to  pay  one  dollar  apiece  for  sil 
ver  gilt  scrap-iron  souvenirs  worth  eleven  cents 
apiece  because  they  may  or  may  not  be  genuine  bits 
of  a  stolen  clapper — anyone  who  can  do  that  is 
needed  in  the  commercial  development  of  our  coun 
try." 

"  Doctor,  do  you — do  you  call  this  justice?  "  said 
Hickey,  with  tears  in  his  voice. 

"  No,"  said  the  Doctor,  frankly,  "  I  -call  it  a 
display  of  force.  You  see,  Hicks,  you've  beaten  us 
at  every  point,  and  so  all  we  can  do  is  to  let  you 
go." 

"  I'll  hire  a  lawyer,"  said  Hicks,  brokenly. 

"  I  thought  you  would,"  said  the  Doctor,  "  only 
I  hope  you  will  be  easy  on  us,  Hicks,  for  we  haven't 
much  money  for  damage  suits." 

"  Then  I'm  to  be  fired,"  said  Hickey,  forcing  back 
the  tears,  "  fired  just  for  nothing !  " 

"Just  for  nothing,  Hicks,"  assented  the  Doctor, 
rising  to  close  the  painful  interview,  "  and,  Hicks, 
as  one  last  favour,  we  would  like  to  request  that  it 
be  by  the  evening  train.  We  have  lost  a  great  deal 
of  sleep  lately." 

"  Just  for  nothing,"  repeated  Hickey,  hoarsely. 


MARTYRDOM   OF    WILLIAM   HICKS       335 

"  Just  for  nothing,"   replied  the  Doctor,  as  he 
closed  the  door. 


At  six  o'clock,  in  the  midst  of  indignant  hundreds, 
Hickey  climbed  to  the  top  of  the  stage,  where  his 
trunks  had  already  been  deposited.  Nothing  could 
comfort  him,  neither  the  roaring  cheers  that  echoed 
again  and  again  to  his  name,  nor  the  hundreds  of 
silent  hand-shakes  or  muttered  vows  to  continue  the 
good  fight.  His  spirit  was  broken.  All  was  dark 
before  him.  Neither  right  nor  justice  existed  in  the 
world. 

Egghead  and  Macnooder,  visibly  affected,  reached 
up  for  the  last  hand-shakes. 

"  Keep  a  stiff  upper  lip,  old  man,"  said  the  Egg 
head. 

"  Don't  you  worry,  Hickey,  old  boy,"  said  Mac 
nooder  ;  "  we'll  attend  to  Tabby." 

Then  Hickey,  bitterly,  from  the  caverns  of  his 
heart,  spoke,  raising  his  fist  toward  Tabby's  study 
window. 

"  He  hadn't  any  proof,"  he  said,  brokenly,  "  no 
proof — damn  him ! " 


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